Fandom: BtVS
Pairings/Characters: Xander/Anya, Xander/Spike
Prompt: [info]tamingthemuse - Impetus, [info]kissbingo - emotion: anger, [info]angst_bingo - doppelgangers, 6x6 Challenge Card*
Rating: Hard R
Warnings: vague non-con, character death, possible character vamping
Summary: Xander lets go
Disclaimer: I don't own. Really.
A/N: Yeah, this isn't a nice fluffy story. Sorry

Letting Go


Bitter did not describe the feeling burning in Xander's chest. Bitter could not hold a candle to the rage that was quickly building, threatening to overwhelm everything. He stared angrily across the room at the couple dancing so close together. Their heads were pressed close together, dark brown and bottle blond mixing. At that moment he hated them more than anything in the world.

"They don't care, do they?" Spike commented silkily as the vampire settled beside him on the fabric covered chair. The cream and jade fabric crinkled as the vampire's weight eased down. Xander hated the chairs too. They were overdone and gaudy, just like everything else in the room.

"They never did," the human shrugged, acting like he didn't care. He knew Spike could see through the mask to the pain simmering below but Xander was confident that no one else would. His masks were all that had kept him going since that fateful night.

He could still remember Willow saying the words that were supposed to put him back together. As the last word left her lips, Xander felt a change inside him and opened his eyes with a smile only to see his double standing there staring back at him. Vaguely he could hear the others babbling about spellwork gone wrong and distantly Anya made another comment about sex with twins, but all he could see was the sure, suave part of him standing inches away. Only he didn't feel like he was two people, he couldn't feel anything lacking like he could before. It turned out whatever made magic go wrong around him was still at work and instead of combining two into one; it combined the split attributes between them and send the full set back into each.

After that Xander quickly learned sex with your girl and your twin was overrated and there's wasn't room for three in the relationship. Now, months later, he watched as they spun happily on the dance floor, celebrating their wedding while he stood alone on the sidelines.

"Come on, pet," Spike said softly, tugging at his arm. "I've got a bottle back at my place with your name on it."

Xander thought about it. He didn't want to follow the path of his parents, but he doubted anything else would take away the pain he was in. With a sigh he nodded and allowed the vampire to drag him out.


"I loved her," he whispered brokenly, taking another slug of liquor. Spike nodded at him. "Why did he get to keep her? Why not me?"

"I don't know, pet," Spike said soothingly. "Feel better?"

"Feel dizzy," Xander slurred. He looked at the vampire. "You look funny."

"Good," Spike said with a grin. He learned over a pressed a kiss to Xander's lips.

"No," the human gasped, pushing the vampire back. "Not gay!"

Hard hands grabbed him and dragged him up and the vampire kissed him again, lips and teeth harsh against his own. "You're mine," Spike snarled, flashing into game face.

"No," Xander protested again. He tried to pull away but his limbs felt heavy. "What did you do?"

"Drugged your drink," replied Spike calmly and he carried the limp man over to the bed. "I watched one of you walk away from me tonight, I'm not letting the other go."

As Spike arranged him on the bed, Xander could hear the radio playing softly in the background. Listening to the lyrics he thought fate had a sick sense of humour.

I'll fix your feet til you can't walk
I'll lock your jaw til you can't talk
I'll close your eyes so you can't see
This very air, come and go with me
Well I am Death, none can excel
I'll open the door to heaven or hell*

Here was his personal death. He knew he wouldn't last Spike's usage of him, if only because the vampire turned him at the end. Idly, he wondered what had happened to the chip since Spike was feeling no pain despite the agony Xander was enduring. But it didn't matter in the long run. Nothing mattered anymore and when Spike sank sharp fangs into his neck, Xander left go of life and surrendered to the black gratefully.

The End

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