Fandom: SGA/BtVS
Pairings/Characters: McShep, Spander, Faith, Dawn, and the rest of the SGA crew.
Rating/Warnings:  Mature for language
Summary:  Takes place in an season three. This is an insane  cheer-up fic for[info]suki_blue.
Disclaimer: I conquered the world AND the Pegasus Galaxy.  I now own all. Thank you.   Or not.

Atlantis Antics


1 It's Not an It

SGA-1 (plus Carson) sat in the mess hall, eating their lunch in silence.  It was a tense silence, a brooding silence.  In fact, it was a tense, brooding silence.  The previous day, Dr. Weir had been summoned to Earth for an urgent meeting of an undisclosed nature.  They had no idea when she would return.  That, including the relative peace of the past week, caused imaginations to run wild.

"Is it possible she is being reprimanded?" Teyla asked.  John shook his head.

"Nah, they usually cover that up by calling the meeting a 'performance review.'"

"Maybe they want to replace her," Rodney suggested, a sudden look of panic on his face.  John's heart skipped a beat at the thought of a change of command.  After all, a change could mean a military leader, and a military leader wouldn't ignore John's relationship with... never mind.

"No, they wouldn't do that, I don't think," John replied.  "I think all the countries like having her in charge here."

"Perhaps it's a cover, and she's really quitting," Carson offered with a frown.

"Maybe someone died."  The occupants at the table froze; Ronon's idea made sense, the kind of sense that makes one feel stupid for thinking of other things.  After all, the death of a loved one isn't really something you can just tell a person through an intergalactic communique.

"Gate room to Sheppard.  Dr. Weir is returning, please report to the gate room with the rest of your team."  John tapped his earpiece and responded.

"They're here with me; we're on our way."  He turned his earpiece off and looked at his team.  "She's back."


The puddle jumper moved out of the event horizon and into Atlantis.  It would have been impressive and awe-inspiring if everyone hadn't already seen it countless times.  The hatch opened, and Elizabeth walked out.  Her brow was furrowed, her expression vacant.  Slowly, she walked away from the jumper.  John, Rodney, Telya, Carson, and Ronon looked at each other, their expressions inscrutable.  Well, Ronon's was inscrutable.  John, Rodney, Carson, and Teyla's expressions were scrutable and easily translated into WTF?

They quickly followed her down into the conference room.  McKay, Sheppard, Ronon, Teyla, and Beckett quietly sat down, with Carson the closest to Elizabeth.  They sat, tense, as they waited for their leader to speak.  

"Well?  Are you going to tell us who died?" Rodney asked plaintively

"What makes you think someone died?" John asked.

"Because it makes sense!  Besides, she looks like she's in shock.  You're in shock aren't you?"

Elizabeth nodded.

"See, I told you!  Somebody died!" Rodney declared with a snap of his fingers.

"No you didn't, Rodney.  Ronon figured out that someone died," Carson pointed.

"Wait, who died?" a voice yelled from the door.  The group that had previously been focused on their mute leader turned to face the new arrivals.  They stared, blinked, then continued to stare at the four people that now stood before them.  There was a tall, dark haired man with an eye patch, a blond man with glittering blue eyes, a willowy girl with long brown hair, and a curvaceous, sensual brunette.

"When did we get a pirate?" John finally asked.  The brunette man at the door rolled his eyes.

"Boy, that was an original joke.  I've never heard that one before."  The young man shook his head, then moved to sit down.  The blond sat by Rodney at the end of the table.  The man with the eye patch sat between the blond and the young girl, while the leather-clad woman slouched at the end.

Teyla raised her eyebrow. "I have not seen you on Atlantis before.  I am Teyla Emmagan," she offered, inclining her head.  The young man offered her a genuine smile before speaking.

"I'm Xander Harris.  Well, it's really Alexander Harris, but people only say that when I'm in trouble, so just call me Xander."

"I'm Faith, and I'm here for the ass, hopefully to kick some, and get some," the curvy woman said with a smirk. 

"I'm Dawn," the thin girl offered next.  "Um, I'm a Gemini, a graduate student at Oxford, and I like peanut butter ice cream with salsa."

"What?  What does that have to do with anything?" Rodney sputtered.  "And peanut butter ice cream with salsa?  Are you retarded?"

Dawn opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by a low growl.  All eyes focused on the blond man.  "You ever speak to the Bit like that again, I'll rip your spine out," he growled, "and only after I've finished stripping the flesh from your bone."

Rodney's eyes widened as he inched away from the psycho beside him.  "My, that was vivid."

"Who are you people?" Carson finally wailed.  "And why are you here?  And what on Earth is wrong with Elizabeth?" 

"Oh her?  She's been like this since the meeting at the SGC yesterday.  It's kinda creepy," Xander said.  "Apparently living in the lost city of Atlantis, in another galaxy, while fighting creepy space vampires, doesn't prepare you to learn that demons, witches, and magic are real.  You'd think it would, but it doesn't."

"What?  That preposterous!" Rodney yelled.  The newcomers looked at each other.

"Okay, who's turn is it?"  Xander asked.

"Not me," Faith muttered.  

"Not me!" Dawn yelled, quickly followed by Xander's repetition of the same words.  Silently, they all turned toward the blonde man.

"You're turn, Spike," Dawn grinned.

"His name is Spike?" Sheppard snorted.  Spike gave the Colonel a sarcastic grin.  Then, to the amazement of the Atlanteans, the man's facial bones rearranged with sickening crunch.  His brows became pronounced, his eyes turned gold, and fangs appeared in his mouth.

"Very enlightening explanation, Spike," Faith snorted. 

"What in the hell is that?" Rodney shrieked, stumbling out of his chair.

"It's not an 'it,' it's a 'Spike,'" Dawn corrected.  "And if you want to get technical, it's Xander's Spike."

"Hey!  He is not my Spike!" Xander shouted indignantly.   Faith let out a smokey laugh before speaking.

"Come on, X, he's totally your Spike."

"Oi, I'm not his 'anything!'  If anything, he's my Xander!" Spike retorted.

"That isn't helping, Spike," Xander moaned.  Dawn grinned maniacally.

"See, Spike admits that Xander is his!"

"He's not my anything, other than the pain in my arse!" the vampire snarled.

"That's 'cause you guys need to use some lube," Faith snickered.

"Everybody shut up!" Xander screamed.  "Let's leave our butts and my... whatever out of this!  We are here to represent the council and save the universe, not to discuss my sex life!"

Everyone stared in silence.  

"Okay then," John smirked.  

"See?  They're totally fucking," Dawn said, her head angled toward Faith.

"You don't have any proof," Spike pointed out.  "Not like those two," he added, nodding toward John and Rodney.

"Proof, what proof?" Rodney asked, his voice pitched.  Spike shrugged.

"I'm a vampire, mate.  I have bloody fantastic sense of smell, and I can smell you two all over each other."  Smirking, again, he turned towards Dawn.  "Now those two are definitely sha-."

Xander slapped his hand over Spike's mouth.  "Hey Spike, this is 'don't ask, don't tell' time.  So don't tell!"

"Look, all those bad stories you heard are pretty much true, demons and monsters are real. I'm supposed to fight them and sometimes I get dreams to help me out. Lately, I've been dreaming about your space vamps, so Will did her research thing and came across your Stargate program.  So I got sent here with the three stooges as backup to figure out what the hell is going on."

Ronon turned to Sheppard.  "You said vampires were a myth."

"Wow, you have an awesome voice," Dawn said.  Her eyes were glued to the large Satedan, a dreamy smile on her lips.  Ronon looked at her, frowning.

Rodney rolled his eyes.  "They are a myth.  This guy is just some sort of alien or something.  Some sort of rogue Go'uld."

"Is that why you won't sit back down?" Faith asked.  Rodney looked at her, then began to fiddle with his watch.

"No, I just don't feel like sittng, that's all."

"Can you prove it?" Ronon asked.  

"What, that he's a vampire?  Easy," Dawn said.  "Just try to take Spike's pulse.  He doesn't have one.  No heartbeat, no breathing; he's a corpse.  A demonically animated corpse, but a corpse none the less."

Carson took a deep breath, stood, and walked over to Spike.  Reaching down, he gently placed one hand over the vampire's heart, and one on his throat.  After a few minutes, Carson paled and turned to Elizabeth.  "I see your point, Dr. Weir."

2 Who Would You Rather...?

The balcony was located on one of the more remote edges of the city. It had been one of the areas that had been flooded first when the shield had failed, and neither the area nor it's transporter had been repaired. After the initial teams had deemed it "not-too-dangerous-except-for-the-broken-bits," it had been ignored. But Faith and Dawn liked the balcony. It was isolated and remote, giving them privacy and the ocean breeze. The two sat on the ground with Laura Cadman and Teyla, enjoying the sunshine and a picnic lunch.

"Okay Laura, so no questions about Beckett. Hmmm...who would you rather fuck, Sheppard or... Xander?" Dawn asked, chewing her peanut butter and salsa sandwich. Laura laughed.

"Neither! Spike would rip my spine out, and McKay would probably poison me. I don't think Rodney and the Colonel are doing the freaky yet, but when I was stuck in his head, the man thought about John waaaay too much," she giggled, taking a sip of Faith's smuggled beer.

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Okay, one: Spike and Xander aren't doing it yet. Two: just for clarification, Spike says he can smell Sheppard and McKay all over each other, and all over the city. Apparently they are quite adventurous. And third, it's all hypothetical, so if we were in a completely free environment, no consequences, who would you pick?"

"Depends. I heard Spike teasing Xander, so first I need to know: did his fiancee really call him a viking in the sack?"

Faith snickered. "Oh yeah. I was Xan's first, and let me tell you: boy is a natural. He didn't have any experience, but it was a damn good ride. He can't dance for shit, but he's got the right rhythm."

Teyla raised her eyebrow while Laura grinned. "Okay, definitely Xander."

"Very well, then. I believe it is my turn. Dawn, who would you rather... fuck: Xander or Ronon?" Teyla asked, grinning.

"Ronon," Laura and Faith replied in unison.

"Hey, you don't know that for sure," Dawn argued. "I mean, I've had a crush on Xander for a...." Seeing the disbelieving looks on the others' faces, she rolled her eyes. "Fine! It would totally be Ronon. He's all hot and sexy and growly. And did I mention hot."

Teyla laughed. "I believe that you did. I agree, Ronon is most appealing. I have seen him shirtless before, and the sight was quite... attractive."

"Well what about you, Faith, who are you lookin' at?" Laura asked, biting into a piece of Athosian fruit. Faith leaned back on her arms.

"Ya want the whole list?" she asked. "You've got a lot of salty goodness here."

"But if you were simply desirous of pleasure, who in the city would be your first choice?" Teyla clarified.

"Hmm... dunno." She shook her head. "Even though the thing with Robin didn't work out, I don't feel like hittin' a bunch of different guys. I'm kinda liking the idea sticking with a guy long enough that he learns just how to touch me."

"Wow, emotional growth," Dawn muttered, impressed. "So who are you into?"

"Well, Sheppard isn't too hard on the eyes. Lorne's not too bad, either, but he does remind me too much of Finn. Then there's Dex." Laura and Dawn let out matching sighs. "That man looks like he knows how to handle himself and a woman. Bet he fucks like a jackhammer."

Both of Teyla's eyebrows arched as Laura frowned in contemplation. Dawn glared, but didn't say anything. Faith laughed.

"Don't stress it, Mini-Giles. This is all hypothetical, right? I don't plan on stepping on your toes for a ride."

"Well good, because he's my alien salty goodness," Dawn explained.

Teyla smiled. "He is quite attractive, Dawn; perhaps you should put a warning label on him."

Laura laughed. "Yeah, 'property of Dawn Summers, you touch, you die!" The group dissolved into giggles.

"Just as long as we agree that he's mine," Dawn clarified.

"Agreed," the others responded.

"Okay, since we've agreed he's Dawnie's, anyone want to put someone else on their 'don't fuck' list?" Faith asked.

Laura smiled bashfully. "Major Lorne. He's great, he's really smart, and he likes explosions almost as much as I do. And he has a great body. Sometimes I see him working out, and he gets all sweaty and his shirt sticks. One time, he took his shirt off." Laura stared at the sky, shivering. "Okay, what about you, Faith?"

"Dr. Weir to Faith." Faith rolled her eyes as she tapped her earpiece on.

"Yo, I'm here."

"Stargate command had just notified us that two of your associates will be arriving within the hour. Would you like to be here to greet them?"

"Sure, I'll be there."

"Excellent. Is Miss Summers with you as well?"

"Yeah, she's here."

"Could you please bring her as well, and remind her that she should wear her earpiece instead of putting it in her pocket?"

"No problem, Doc. Faith out."


The four women walked into the gate room half an hour later, chattering. Xander, Spike and the remainder of Atlantis' senior staff had already arrived.

"What's up, Doc?" Dawn asked. Xander snickered as Dr. Weir shut her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. A puddle jumper slipped through the event horizon and settled on the floor. The hatch opened.

"Hi ya'll!" came the happy greeting from Fred. Andrew stood beside her, smiling as he attempted to look officious, which was ruined by the Union Jack back pack he carried. Faith, Dawn, Xander and Spike froze.

"Wh-what are you doing here," Xander asked. Rodney smiled as he approached the Texan.

"I looked at some of the records for your group and discovered a member that could actually be of some use to us," he explained.

"I'm really excited to be here," Fred babbled, grinning. Spike sighed.

"We've already explained everything to them, Blue. You can drop the act." The smile dropped from Fred's face.

"Good. It was nauseating, pretending to be an insect," she sneered. Rodney's eyes widened comically as her brown hair and tanned skin faded to blue and white.

"What the hell?" Sheppard frowned, staring at Illyria. "Is this some kind of spell, Miss Burkle?"

Illyria snarled. Rodney scrambled away, then John moved to stand in front of the skittish scientist.

"Do not refer to me by the name of this shell. And do not presume to address me, scum. I ruled this planet while your kind were merely bits of sludge. If you had lived during my reign, I would have given you to my slaves and allowed them to rip your body apart as you watched, helpless and screaming."

"Oh boy, I believe introductions are in order," Xander said quickly. "Everyone, allow me to introduce Illyria, Old One and former God-King of the primordium. She ruled the world before humans had form and enjoyed squishing the slime of our ancestors between her tentacles. Good times."

A cold smile graced Illyria's face. "It was most pleasurable."

"Wait, so if you're not Winifred Burkle, what happened to her?" McKay asked.

Illyria raised her chin. "Gone. Her soul was-."

"Destroyed in the fires of her resurrection," the assembled Scoobies finished, bored.

Andrew stepped forward. "Anyways, I am Andrew Wells, Watcher." Faith snorted. Andrew sighed. "Fine, I am Andrew Wells, Watcher-in-training, seeking of redemption to atone for my past misdeeds. Currently, I am here as Illyria's guide-."

With a roar, Illyria grabbed Andrew around his throat and lifted him off the ground. "You are a vermin, not worthy to be my Qwa'ha Xahn. Do not call yourself such."

"Whoa, Blue! Calm down," Spike said, moving closer. "He's just a puny insect, no challenge in killing him." Illyria turned to look at Spike.


"Just put him down and we'll find something else for you to kill, alright?" Spike offered. Illyria dropped Andrew on the floor.

"That is acceptable. I wish to do violence."

"Why are you guys here, Andrew?" Dawn asked. Andrew coughed.

"Illy- I mean, her highness felt the other girls were taking all the fun, so Giles recommended Atlantis."

"Yes, the Watcher promised me violence," she said, wandering over to look at the Stargate.

"The Watcher?" Dr. Weir asked, rubbing her temples.

"Dr. Giles," Andrew explained. Reaching into his backpack, he pulled out a book. "Here, Dr. Giles wanted me to give you this," he said, handing the book to Weir. Dr. Weir smiled.

"Way to go, Doc," Faith hooted. "Got Tweedy wrapped around your finger." Dr. Weir's cheeks colored.

"Uh, what are you doing Illyria?" Dawn asked, watching as the Old One gently ran her fingers over the ring.

"The energy sings to me as the green once did," she whispered.

Sheppard groaned. "God, don't you guys know anyone normal?"

3 Their Entrails Were Not Appealing

Another day, another mission.  This one was to the planet Ska, home of the Skanks.  After a great deal of snickering, Ronon had explained that on a previous visit/run to the planet, its people had proved to be fairly friendly and open-minded.  Like many of the peoples in the Pegasus Galaxy, the Skanks had deserted their ancient city for the forests in the hopes of escaping the notice of the Wraith.  According to Ronon, the people lacked medicine, and would most likely be willing to trade from the remains of their city for medicine. So SGA-1 plus two (Faith and Dr. Beckett), had gone to visit the planet on foot.  That had been four hours ago and it was currently two hours past their check in.

Major Lorne's team was going after them, but found themselves blocked.  It was like the gunfight at the O.K. Corral, or perhaps the battle of Helm's Deep. Andrew wasn't sure, but he tried to look intimidating and manly as he blocked the Stargate.  Well, technically, Spike, Xander, Dawn and Illyria were blocking the 'gate, with Andrew as backup.

"I'm sorry," Dr. Weir said, "But I can't allow you to go off-world on a rescue mission; none of you are cleared for this kind of a mission.  In addition, Illyria is an unknown, we don't know what she'll do and Spike will burn up if he gets caught in the sunlight.  In addition, the rest of you aren't fighters."

Dawn turned her pout on, bypassing 10 and going straight to 11.  As they moved away from the Stargate, the tech dialed up Ska's address.  As the 'gate burst to life, Lorne's team waited for the all clear.  The MALP transmitted back an image, showing the area around the 'gate was clear.

"Mission is a go," Weir declared.  With a nod, Lorne and his men moved out.  As they moved through the event horizon, Dr. Weir got ready to shut down the 'gate.  But with a flash of speed, Illyria and Spike ran at the event horizon; Dr. Weir was also fairly certain Spike had been sticking his tongue out at her, but that was neither here nor there.

"Shut it down!" Weir yelled.  But before the words even left her mouth, the two supernatural beings were through the 'gate.  The Stargate quickly shut off as the director turned to Andrew, Xander and Dawn, furious.  Andrew wilted under the ferocity of her glare. "I told you that they were not to go! That woman . . . thing, is insane! She can't be trusted!"

Xander shrugged. "Yes she can. She may consider us primordial scum to be controlled and possibly destroyed, but we're her primordial scum to be controlled and possibly destroyed.  And she considers Spike to be her pet, so she'll do what he wants, as long as he asks her right."

"Well what happens if they get caught in sunlight?"

Dawn shrugged.  "It's just after sunset there; Spike will be fine.  Besides, Willow gave him an amulet to protect him from sunlight."

Dr. Weir squared her jaw. "And you didn't tell me this because . . . ?"

Xander smothered a grin. "Because you didn't ask."


One Hour Later . . .

"Colonel Sheppard, where are the others?" Sheppard winced as he cleared the Stargate.

"Uh, they're bringing back some . . . guests," he offered.  As Dr. Weir opened her mouth for further questioning, a Wraith flew out of the Stargate, literally, before dropping to the ground and sliding to a stop. It didn't move, its head twisted to an unnatural angle.   Spike and Faith emerged from the Stargate next, swaggering.

Dr. Weir blinked, pinched the bridge of her nose, took a deep, calming breath, and then spoke.  "Why is there a dead Wraith here?"

"Might not be dead.  And it's a test subject.  To see if it can suck my life-force," Faith drawled.

"And to see if they'd make a decent snack," Spike added.  Weir nodded in understanding, even though she really didn't understand what the hell they were doing.

"Might be dead?"

"Snapped its neck, so it should heal up," Spike said.  Dr. Weir paused before getting ready to speak.  It was then that Illyria came through the 'gate, covered in blood.  She carried the heads of two Wraith, their spines still attached and covered in blood and gore.

"Illyria, why did you . . . ?" Dr. Weir started before trailing off.  She wasn't sure she wanted to know.  Behind her, somewhere in the control room, she could hear someone vomiting.

"They are my trophies.  I slaughtered many more, but their skulls were crushed and their entrails were not appealing as trophies of my triumph."


Three Hours Later . . .

Colonel Caldwell marched into Dr. Weir's office.  The report she'd given him was insane.  It didn't make any sense no matter who was in the brig.  Dr. Weir looked up at him, her eyes weary.

"Yes, Colonel?"

"What is this?" he asked, raising the hand that held the report.  Dr. Weir sighed.

"The report of the events on planet Ska," she explained, defeat evident in her voice.  Caldwell stared at her.  She looked so tired.  Whatever was in this report was what Dr. Weir had been told, regardless of his own opinion.

"This isn't a joke?" he questioned.

"No," she said, shaking her head. Colonel Caldwell dropped into a chair.  He looked down into the gate room where Illyria stood, petting the 'gate, then back at Dr. Weir.

"Do you have any alcohol?"


From her position on the floor, Dawn shut her left eye and aimed. Concentrating, her tongue between her lips, she threw the piece of popcorn.  It sailed through the air and hit the force field six inches from the Wraith's head.

"Ah man, that sucks," she grumbled, leaning back against the wall where she and several other sat.

"Bad aim, Dawnie.  One point," Xander declared.  Xander took aim and tossed his piece of popcorn, hitting the force field an inch above where the Wraith's head was.

"What are the current totals?" Teyla asked Andrew.  Andrew blushed before looking down as the scores.

"McKay is in last place with six points, then me with thirteen points, Xander with twenty-two points, Dr. Zelenka with twenty-three points, Dawn with twenty-five points, then Teyla with thirty-four points, Sheppard with thirty-five points, Spike with thirty-seven points, Faith with thirty-nine points, and with a perfect score of forty, Ronon is in the lead!" Andrew declared. The group let out a series of hoots and hollers

"Be silent!" the Wraith roared, spinning to face them with a glare.  The occupants fell silent, before the Scoobies started chuckling, which turned into gales of laughter.

"I'm sorry," Xander choked out between laughs, "But a smurf whose seen 'The Matrix' too many times aren't scary."

The Wraith snarled at them.

"You are very ugly," Dr. Zelenka added, wrinkling his nose.

"Not the ugliest think I've seen, though," Faith said.

"Really? How do you sleep at night?" he asked, turning to look at her.

Faith shrugged. "Usually I go for a run. Or have sex."

Dr. Zelenka blushed. "Oh, I see. Do you, ah, I mean, how-."

"You offering assistance, Dr. Z?" Faith asked.  Zelenka blushed.

"Well, I do find you very attractive and I enjoy your boldness."  Faith leered at him, then turned away and launched her popped, buttery-goodness projectile.  The Wraith was still glaring at them as the snack food hit the forcefield right in front of the Wraith's nose.

"That's how ya do it!" Faith yelled.  The Wraith started growling as Dr. Zelenka launched his own piece of popcorn and hit the Wraith's chest area.

"You know, Andrew, you were right, they do look like the Son'a," Xander said.

"Son'a?" Teyla asked before taking her turn.  Her popcorn hit near the Wraith's cheek.  Smiling at her, Andrew rushed to answer her, absently tossing his popcorn kerne in the direction of the cell.

"Yes, in the film 'Star Trek: Insurrection,' the Son'a was a race of aliens who constantly had the skin of their faces stretched tight to keep them looking young."

"Really?" Dawn asked. "Because I think they look like those fuzzy troll dolls I used to have.  We should call him Fajita."

"Nah, they just look like rotten corpses to me.  And his name is should by Chucko," Spike said.  He threw his piece of popcorn and hit the forcefield right between Fajita/Chucko's eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, you're both right," Rodney grumbled, crossing his arms across his chest and pouting. John sighed as he launched his kernel and hit the area of Chucko's mouth.

"What's wrong, Rodney?"

"I have the lowest score!" he whined. Sheppard shook his head as Rodney half-heartedly tossed his popcorn, hitting the general area of Fajita's knee. 

"It's okay, Rodney.  It's just a game," he explained, wrapping an arm around the scientist's shoulders.  Luckily, it was a gesture that seemed friendly, but not too friendly.  He squeezed Rodney's shoulder in encouragement.

"Well that's easy for you to say! I'm being beaten by a nerd and a guy with one eye!"

"Just blame the popcorn," Andrew suggested, staring at Teyla. He was contemplating ways to get her dressed as Seven of Nine someplace other than his dreams and fantasies.

Rodney nodded.  "Well, it is an unbalanced projectile," he sniffed.

"Hey Spike," Xander said.


"I thought you said Illyria couldn't do that time warp thing any more."

"Me too.  But she was saying something about borrowing the energy of the 'gate. Or something.  Maybe because she borrows it and uses it, instead of just holding it all in, it doesn't mess with her body," he theorized.  Ronon threw a piece of popcorn at the Wraith and, like Spike had, hit Chuckita between the eyes.  Dawn looked at him, then at her own bit of popcorn.

As she raised her hand to aim again, she attempted to mimic Ronon's throw.  Shaking his head, Ronon scooted closer to her. Taking her arm, he pulled her closer.  Dawn's eyes widened and her breath caught in her chest.

"Like this," he rumbled, helping her position her arm.  Dawn stared at him as he moved her arm. "You have to look the other way to aim." 

Dawn blushed and quickly looked away.  This time when she threw, the popcorn hit the force field right in front of the Wraith's face.


Mission Report of Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard.

At approximately 10:00 hours, I went through the Stargate to a planet called Ska, accompanied by Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan, Ronon Dex, Faith LeHane, and Dr. Carson Beckett.  Dex had previously visited the planet approximately four years ago as a runner.  When we arrived on the planet, it was late afternoon.  According to Dex, the nearest encampment was down a small trail approximately one mile. We walked the distance and arrived only to find the encampment destroyed.  Due to the absence of any bodies, we came to the conclusion that the planet had been culled.

According to Dr. McKay's readings and Dex's memory, the Ancient city was located two miles away. All evidence indicated that the planet had been culled at least six months earlier. Rodney argued that we should still check the ruins to see if any Ancient tech was salvageable, and I gave the go ahead based on the information we had, which indicated that the planet was uninhabited.  We walked to the city only to discover that the city was not empty.  There was a Wraith ship with an approximate compliment of twenty.  We attempted to retreat to the 'gate unnoticed, but were discovered.  They fired their stunner weapons and took out Doctors McKay and Beckett first. We got pinned down behind the remains of a building and in the ensuing firefight, Dex and I were hit.  Faith later confirmed that she scaled the wall to escape the Wraith.

I later awoke chained in what appeared to be the main chamber of their ship. Ronon was already awake, and then Rod- damn it, I mean Dr. McKay, Teyla, and Dr. Beckett awoke. The Wraith leader was seated at a small table that held our weapons and radios, and six drones stood guarding the room.  The Wraith leader then began to interrogate us.  We told it nothing, so it decided to feed on us.  Before it could do so, Illyria entered and stood in the entrance.  Two of the drones fired on her, but their stunner weapons appeared to have no effect on her.  The Wraith leader told the drones to stand down and began to question Illyria.  Illyria then said something along the lines of "I am Illyria, god-king of the primordium, shaper of things, these are my pets, I d
emand their release." The Wraith laughed, at which point she appeared next to the leader, having moved quicker than I was able to process.  She grabbed the leader and ripped his head off. Literally. She did this by holding its shoulder, then grabbing it by the neck and ripping the head off. 

This was when the bulk of the fight began.  Spike and Faith then entered and started fighting in hand-to-hand combat.  Two more Wraith entered the room and engaged in the fight.  Outside of the room, I could hear P-90s being fired, presumably by Major Lorne's team.  Faith, Spike, and Illyria fought quickly, preferring to decapitate the Wraith.  Using a sword and dagger, Miss LeHane killed two Wraith. Using a sword, Spike killed two and snapped the neck of one, which was brought back with us to Atlantis.  Illyria crushed the head of one, using a single punch, and ripped the head off of another.  After all the Wraith had been neutralized, Illyria ripped our chains apart and released us.  Once we'd retrieved our weapons, we left the room in formation. According to Major Lorne, they had neutralized seven Wraith.  On the return trip through to the Stargate, we encountered and killed two more. We returned to Atlantis at approximately 14:00 hours, Atlantis time.

Author's Note,9th-Mar-2007: This is probably going to be the last part of Atlantis Antic's that I'll post for a while, as I'm out of ideas. I'm not ending it completely, but I'm just out of ideas for it

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