Rating: PG at the most
Pairing Spike/Xander
Summary: Xander’s POV thoughts on the end of his world.
Disclaimer: Not mine… *pout* not fair that they’re not mine… * pout*

Where It All Begins


When all else fails, go back to the beginning, to the place where it all started.

Mind you pinpointing that exact moment could be pretty difficult. I don’t know where it started. I don’t know when it started, but I remember. I remember the way his hand felt when it slipped into mine, strong and comforting at the same time. Soothing in a way I never felt before. The cold skin sliding against mine, caressing, offering me the simple things, that I thought I’d left behind so long ago.

I remember the first time our lips met. They were so soft, gentle even. I expected him to dominate, to take control, to push for more. He didn’t. He caressed my lips with his own, wooing me, sliding his lips back and forth over mine, in a breath taking caress, back and forth, back and forth, until I was pushing forward begging for more. Begging for any contact he’d give me.

A soft and gentle memory of how it happened. It didn’t happen all at once like in the movies… no sudden realization… he was just there, and then he was more than there. He was everything, everything I wanted him to be, and yet so much more. We fell into the pattern of being near each other, each basking in the other’s presence. I basked in the sunshine he exuded, the happiness he could bring me, by simply remembering my favorite chocolate.

The day I came home from work, and he was there waiting for me, waiting patiently in the hall outside my apartment. He knew he could go in, he’d been invited, but he was just waiting there… waiting for me. The smile that lit up his face, lit up his eyes, he was so glad to see me, like I was as important as blood. I finally knew that I was important to someone. He made me feel important just by being around… just by… being.

They say we know when it happens… but I can’t pinpoint the date when I knew irrevocably that I couldn’t live without him. It was just there, he became more important to me than breathing. We kissed, we touched, we held… who knew a vamp could be such a cuddler… he was there waiting for me every night when I got home from work, we’d have dinner together, and sometimes stay in, sometimes we’d go out… but he was always there, a never ending source of support.

I’ve gone back to the beginning so many times, but I don’t believe there was ever a beginning, there is no end… it just was… we just were… I close my eyes now, and I can see him smiling at me with love and concern in his eyes, I always see his face, whether its while I’m day dreaming, or when I’m sleeping, sometimes I can even see his face when I’m talking to Wills… he’s always there.

I’ve tried to figure out when I realized I couldn’t live without him, when he became more important than my own life… but I can’t. I can see Will’s giving me that look again. The look that crosses between despair and pity, she understands even when no one else does. Buffy doesn’t. She thinks I’ve gone crazy… that I’ve been possessed again. I haven’t… but if only I could pinpoint the time when he became my everything… if I could just figure that out, I might be able to get some sleep.

It doesn’t matter, where the beginning is. There is no end. It revolves around the same unanswered questions. When did it start… and how did it end. I know how it ended. That’s still fresh in my mind. He leapt to save me. He turned to ash in my arms. One final I love you pet… and he was gone.

I’m slowly losing my mind. Will’s understands, she’s lost a loved one too, and nearly took the world with her. I don’t want to take the world with me, my world’s already gone.

The End

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