Mom! I'm Not Gay!


Part Seven

Mike stared at me, his mouth dropping open. "All this started because your ex-girlfriend bruised your. . .friend?"

I nodded my head, glancing at him. I grinned around the spoon of ice cream. He was cute with the shocked look on his face. Not that I noticed.

Damn, this denial - as Willow said it was - was getting harder and harder.

"So she breaks up with you and your mother - a bored housewife - took that as her. . .mission in life?"

"Yea," I nodded. "Support your gay son. Hell, before Anya, I never even really thought that I might be. Granted, there was a guy or two that I thought was handsome, but women always thought other beautiful women were beautiful, so what would be wrong with finding Angel handsome?"

"Angel?" he asked with a frown.

I chuckled. "An old. . .friend, I guess. Well, not really, because he hates me, but that's beside the point. He lives in LA now. Handsome man though." I glanced back at him under my lashes. "You kinda remind me of him."

He looked incredibly pleased. "You think I'm handsome?"

I blushed and looked away. "Maybe," I murmured. I was flirting with him now. Oh god, I was flirting.

I was mortified! I was flirting with a guy and I was enjoying it! He was making me giddy. . .no one had ever made me giddy like this. Well, no one but Spike. He always had the ability to make me a little giddy, but I wasn't thinking about the frustrating blonde at that moment.

His warm hand caressed my shoulder, sending jolts of desire through my body. "You realize that straight men don't find other men attractive, Xander."

I blinked and looked at him. "They. . .they don't?"

Oh my god.

They didn't?

I had no clue.

"No, they don't." He frowned. "Didn't you have guy friends growing up?"

"Well. . .I mean, there was Jesse, but he. . ." I paused, swallowing hard. "He died when we were 16. Other than that, it's always been Willow, and Buffy. . .now Tara. . .Buffy dated Angel, but he hated me, and Riley - that' s Buffy's boyfriend, he and I are friends, but we don't sit around talking about other guys, so I guess. . .I mean, I assumed. . .There was Oz, but we didn't talk, I didn't like him all that much."

"Xander, I have an important question for you."

I turned to him. "Yeah?" I asked, somewhat fearfully. What would he ask me? How would he continue to blow my mind and everything I'd ever thought about myself?

"Do your friends, do they support you? Or would they completely shun you? Could this be what's holding you back from discovering who you really are?"

I chuckled slightly, looking out over the campus of UC Sunnydale. That's where we'd ended up after dinner, sitting on a bench under an old oak tree, eating ice cream. It wasn't exactly the safest place to be, but I was enjoying the night, and felt weird asking him to come back to the apartment. Almost like I was scared something would happen. I knew he was attracted to me, I could see it in his fathomless brown eyes.

Besides, I had a stake in the pocket of my jacket.

"Yea," I murmured. "Willow and Tara. . .Wills is my best friend, since like we were five. Tara's her girlfriend - they understand me, and listen to me when I need someone to talk to about this. They are sweethearts, both of them. Buffy. . .she'd freak, I think. I mean, Willow said she almost bolted when she told her about Tara, but she'd eventually be in my camp. Giles. . ." I laughed. "Giles, he'd drink himself stupid."

"Who's Giles?"

I hadn't mentioned him, I supposed.

"Giles, oh, that's um. . ." I frowned. How did I explain who Giles was? "Giles takes care of us. He's sorta adopted us as his kids, I guess. We used to hang out in the library in high school - he was the librarian."

"Ahh," he said, nodding. "And he'd freak?"

"Nope, just drink." I chuckled. "He's the closest thing to a father I've ever had. Mine is a jerk. . .he's always drunk, not the nicest guy in the world."

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "But. . .you have me too."

"Huh?" I asked, my head flying around to stare at him. "I have you?" I asked, my voice strangled. What the hell did that mean?

He squeezed my shoulder again. "I mean, you have me to be in your camp too," he nodded. "It helps to have friends, Xander."

"Oh," I said softly. "Oh! Thanks, Mike."

"I'm glad you decided to come out with me tonight." He grinned slightly. "Even if it isn't a date. It's been a lot of fun getting to know you - you are as funny as my mom said your mom said. You are a great guy, Xander. Whoever you end up with - whether it male or female - you will make them very happy."

I was lost in his eyes. They were so dark, so beautiful - even though in the back of my mind, I kept imagining twinkling blue eyes gazing back at me - I could see him inching forward, and I knew I was. He was going to kiss me.

My breath caught in my throat. Oh god, he was going to kiss me, and I was going to kiss him and I was going to be kissing a man!

A throat cleared.

We both jumped away from each other and I licked my lips. Damn it! So fucking close!

I glanced up and groaned. It was the one part of this whole situation that I didn't mention to Mike. "Spike. How nice to see you," I deadpanned.

His eyes were flecked in gold and his cheek was twitching. He was obviously mad about something - what the hell could be wrong with him now? It had to be my mom, there was nothing else to explain what could have the blonde so angry.

"Harris," he growled. He turned to Mike. "And who the bloody hell are you?"

Mike stiffened, and I could feel the tenseness in the air. "Friend of yours?" he hissed.

This must have been the downside of being gay - being attacked by the common folk.

"You could say that, though he hates me too. Just as soon rip my heart out," I muttered. I stood up. "Spike, go away, please? I'm. . .I have a new friend, and I really don't want you scaring him off before I even get to know him."

"I see how he was bloody trying to get to know you, mate," he sneered. "He's a Ponce, isn't he? I saw how he was about to kiss you."

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. "So? What of it? What the hell do you want, Spike?"

"Xander," he said, his voice low and gravelly, with a touch of anger to it. "Why are you with him? You aren't a Poof."

I blinked. What? What was Spike doing? Why was he saying I wasn't gay? Why the hell did he even care? "What are you talking about, Spike? Granted, I haven't decided if I am or not, but it could happen."

"Trust me, Harris, you aren't. I know a Poof when I see one. Peaches? He's a Poof. You? No bloody chance in hell."

I frowned, crossing my arms. I couldn't figure out this new tactic of Spike's to mess with my mind.

Mike stood up, shifting. "Maybe I should just go home. . ."

"Maybe you should, Nancy boy," Spike growled.

"Right," Mike nodded. "Ok. Xander, I have your number. . .do you want me to call tomorrow?"

"Of course he doesn't!" the vampire growled again.

I punched Spike in the shoulder. "Shut up, Spike!" I hissed. I turned to Mike, hoping my eyes held enough of an apologetic look to them. "That would be great, Mike, I think I'd like that."

He flashed me a smile. "Cool. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"I'm sorry, Mike," I said softly.

"It's ok. We'll talk more tomorrow," he grinned. "See ya later, Xander." He turned on his heel and jogged off into the night.

I watched him, the way his body moved. He was beautiful. Not as beautiful as the demon standing next to me, but a definite bring home to mom kinda guy.

I turned to Spike, clenching my hands into fists. "What the fuck was that for, Spike? He was going to kiss me! I'd been wanting him to all night, and you went and scared him off!"

Spike shrugged, trying to hide his smirk. "You're the one who said you weren't a Ponce, moron."

I narrowed my eyes. "That doesn't give you the right to stop me from talking to someone." I turned and started walking away from him.

He caught up to me and fell into step with me. "Come on, Harris, I saved you from all kinds of bloody embarrassment. Why aren't you thanking me?"

"Get the hell away from me, Spike," I growled angrily. "I don't want to talk to you."

He stopped dead in his tracks. I kept walking. "What?" he asked, his voice sounding kind of sad. Why would Spike even care if I stopped talking to him?

"I don't want to talk to you ever again. Just stay the hell out of my life, ok?" I asked, turning around and walking backwards. "You aren't my friend, you aren't my mate, or my 'chum'. I can't stand you, and I just want you to leave me the hell alone! Why don't you go. . .fuck Harmony or something? You two are perfect for each other."

His eyes flashed gold. "Fine!" he hissed. "See if I bloody care!" He spun on his heel and walked the other way.

With a sigh, I turned back around and started the lonely walk back to my apartment. Damn it! Now I'd pissed Spike off, Mike was gone, and I had no clue if I were gay or not. And why the hell was Spike spouting off that I wasn't!? I knew I saw the lust in his eyes the night before. I thought for a minute there that he'd wanted me. Damn demons!

Part Eight

I glanced around nervously, waiting for my mother. I'd called her and asked her to join me at the coffee house for lunch so we could talk. I figured I owed her that much. Besides, I knew she'd want to know how my date went. . .I guessed I could clue her in on how horrible it was at the end.

I'd called Willow and Tara after I got home and both of them were really thrilled with the whole Mike situation, but really angry because of what Spike did to me. Neither of them could figure it out either. After that, I went to bed, my dreams plagued with both of the men that had captured my interest. Willow and Tara were there too, as were Buffy and Riley. They'd occasionally hold up signs, trying to help me decide if I were gay or not. Willow and Tara's always said 'Gay!' and Buffy and Riley's always said, 'Not Gay!'

I woke up just as confused as I was when I went to bed. I was beginning to think maybe I needed to go see a counselor or something. Maybe talking to someone professional could help me sort out my feelings.


I turned slightly in my booth, smiling at my mom. "Hey, mom."

She smiled, and sat down across from me. I blinked, taking in the slight changes in my mother. She was wearing a nice outfit, and I didn't smell a drop of liquor on her. I could see that she was actually sober. "Mom, what's up? You aren't. . .well, you aren't. . ."

"Drunk?" she asked, smiling gently. "No, I had breakfast this morning with some of the other mothers. . .I didn't want to make a complete fool of myself."

My god. My mom wasn't drunk.

Maybe this was a good thing.

"So. . ." she grinned. "How did your date go? Was he as wonderful as Emma said he was?"

"Mike?" I asked, smiling. I sipped my coffee. "He was great, mom. Handsome and all that. We really got along really well. But. . .mom, you can't keep trying to find dates for me."

She looked crushed. "I'm sorry, Alexander, I was only trying to help. . .I wanted you to know how much I supported you. . ."

"I'm not sure if I'm gay or not, mom."

"But you admit that it could be?" she asked hopefully.

I chuckled. "Yeah, I could be. So these mothers, what do you do at the meetings? Talk about your gay sons and daughters?"

"At first, yeah, but now that I've been in the group for a little bit, we've gotten to the point where we talk about other things." She reached out and squeezed my hand. "I actually have friends now, Alexander."

I smiled. My mom never had many friends, as long as I could remember. Between the shitty way my dad treated her, and the booze she drank, she didn't even leave the house all that often. I was glad she'd found someone to relate to, someone with common ground. "I'm happy for you, mom. It's always good to have friends."

"So!" she said, leaning forward. "Did you protect yourself?"

"Huh?" I asked, blinking in mild shock. "Protect myself from what?"

"Last night. . .you know. . .did you protect yourself? I don't want you getting sick."

"Huh? Oh. . .Oh!" I blushed. "Mom, we didn't. . ."

She looked crushed. "You didn't? Damn. I was hoping. . ."

Oh my god, my mom was hoping I'd gotten some.

"We almost kissed though," I informed her.

"Really?" she asked, perking back up. "Almost? Why almost? What happened? Did you freak? You freaked out, didn't you? Do you think you'll ever see him again, or that it ruined everything? Emma said he has a great job, so you don't have to worry about supporting him like that little slut you used to date. . ." She held up her hand when I tried to interject. "I'm sorry, Alexander, but I never liked her. Always coming around just to have sex with you. . .you deserve so much better. I always thought you and little Willow Rosenberg would end up together, but now I know why you didn't. . ."

"Mom, Willow has a girlfriend," I smirked.

"Really?" she asked. "She was always so in love with you!"

"Actually, I think she's bi. . .she likes men and women," I nodded. "But anyway, this isn't about Willow. This is about me. I didn't freak out, mom. Spike came up and interrupted us."

"Spike? Who is Spike?" she frowned.

"Mom, you accosted him in a grocery store. You know who he is. . .blonde guy?"

"William! Oh, right! He interrupted you? So he wants you then?" She frowned slightly. "Spike. . .why do they call him. . ." Her eyes widened. "Oh my god! Do you think he's. . .well. . .you know. . .?"

I frowned. "No, I don't. . .what?" I knew where Spike got his nickname from, and I didn't think my mother could handle the fact that it was because that was his weapon of choice when he killed someone.

"Because he's well-endowed?" she whispered with a slight giggle.

I blinked. And then I blinked again. And then I believe my jaw hit the table. My mother - the very woman that gave birth to me - was wondering if the name Spike came from the fact that he was well-endowed. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

I shifted slightly, realizing that the thought of seeing just how well endowed Spike was got me aroused. I groaned and covered my face. "Mom, I doubt that's where his name came from."

"Have you seen him naked?" she asked haughtily.

"No! God, of course not!"

"Then you don't know," she said with a nod. "He could be." She turned to the waitress that came to our table and ordered her food.

I weakly gave the waitress my order, suddenly not having much of an appetite anymore. Spike infuriated me, and yet I still wanted him. And my mother wanted me to have him. And I still had no idea if I were gay or not.

My god, it just never stopped, did it?

Part Nine

Mom and I actually had a good day. We shopped a bit, we talked about her different books, she told me about her friends. I was glad my mom was finally getting out of the house. No matter what happened, no matter if I decided I was gay or not, this was a good thing, that my mom made friends over something other than alcohol, and she had a place to go now when my dad got too bad.

I saw a different side to my mother that day, a side I'd never seen before. She had no clue about any of this, and still approached it in a way that made me cringe, but she cared. That was the thing. She finally found something about me that she could care about.

I began to understand that it wasn't that I wasn't a good person, but the reason why she never cared about me was because I'd always closed both of them out of my life. With my father the way he was and my mother as a lush, there wasn't any real reason to let them know who I really was. Dad would have beat the hell out of me because it wasn't good enough, and mom would have just muttered angrily from the couch, telling us both to shut up because she was too drunk to realize that he was hurting me.

"Mom," I said softly, "you should leave dad. He's a bastard."

She looked at me in horror. "I can't leave your father, Alexander! I couldn't survive without him."

I turned to her, angry that she would dismiss herself like that. "Mom, seriously! He's a bastard! He hurts you, and he hurt me. You can do so much better than that."

"Alexander, I've been with him for years. I can't imagine what it would be like to not be with him," she murmured softly, taking my arm.

I reached up and squeezed her hand. "Much better than what it is now. Listen, why don't you come to the apartment tonight. . .I'll cook us dinner - it won't be much, mind you, but I'm learning - and we can talk more and you can sleep in the bed and I'll take the couch."

"Alexander, I. . ."

"Nope, mom, you are going to," I insisted. "It'll be good gay son - mother bonding time," I nodded.

She turned to me, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. "You admitted it!"

I blinked. "Admitted what, mom?"

"That you are gay," she grinned, hugging me.

Oh my god. I did. I ran a quick check on all my body parts - the same one I did after every fight with a demon. Yep, everything was still there. Hmm. Maybe it wasn't all that bad. I still found women attractive, but men. . .

Oh, I couldn't wait to get home and call Wills and Tara! They'd be so pleased! "Mom, we should invite Willow and Tara over for dinner, what do you think?"

My mother smiled at me. "I think that would be wonderful, Alexander. I'd like to meet this girl that has captured Willow's heart - she's sweet, you say?"

"One of the sweetest." I glanced around, noting that it was now night. "Come on, mom, let's get home." The last thing I wanted to do was try to explain to my mom about the demons of the night.

"Sounds good. I don't like being out after dark anyway. Have you ever noticed that there are some pretty strange things that happen in this town after dark?"

I chuckled. "If you only knew," I murmured.

She took my hand and we started walking down the sidewalk once again. It was nice, bonding with my mom. She really was a great person. Very intelligent when she wasn't drunk, and I was proud of her. Apparently, she'd been so busy the last few days, running around town trying to set me up with someone, or going to a meeting, or going to one of her friend's houses she'd forgotten to drink.

I was especially proud when we passed the liquor store and she didn't even notice. My mom was well onto the road to healing. If only I could convince her to leave my bastard of a father. . .

"Well, well, look who we have here."

We both turned and I groaned. Of course, it had to be my dad. My mom stepped back slightly, and I stepped forward, shielding her from him. He was drunk - my guess was that he'd just stepped out of the liquor store. "Dad, go home," I said.

"What, you think you are going to stand up to me now, boy? You think you are something now that you have this new apartment and all your little friends can come over whenever they want to now?" He stepped forward.

My mother whimpered slightly, clutching my arm in a death grip. She was even more scared of him than I was.

"Dad, go home."

"You know, boy, I found all the books that your mom stashed, hoping to hide from me," he said, the grin on his face far worse than any evil grin Angelus could ever have.

I paled slightly. "W. . .What books?"

"So you're a fag now, is that it?" he growled slightly, gripping the bag of liquor in his hand. "You know, I've decided that I need to beat the gayness out of you, and then beat your mother for allowing it to happen and encouraging it. How could you? How could you support your son for being a pansy?"

"Because I love him!" she cried from behind me. "No matter who he is, he's still my son!"

"Well," he roared, "no son of mine is going to be gay!" He lunged, pushing me out of the way. I fell to the ground, slamming my shoulder pretty hard against the concrete. I cried out in pain, but ignored it, thinking only about mom. I couldn't let him hurt her. I could see the rage that was in his eyes, and it really scared me. . .he was liable to kill us.

She shrieked and I stood up, glaring at my father's back. He had a handful of her hair, and had her pressed against the wall. I glanced around. Unfortunately, there was no one on the street. Damn! I was going to have to take the old man out myself.

"You stupid bitch," he growled, slapping her.

"Alexander, run!" she cried, obviously wanting to save me from his wrath. But I couldn't - I wouldn't leave her alone with him.

"Sorry, mom, but when he starts to hurt you, that hurts me." I punched him in the back, right around where his kidneys were.

He roared in pain and spun around, launching at me. I grunted when I went down, his hands around my throat, choking me. I struggled against him, trying to punch him, but I could tell I was losing consciousness. I couldn't believe I was going to die like that, on the street, my dad beating the hell out of me.

Suddenly, there was a roar, and my dad was lifted off of me. I blinked, and looked up into the amber eyes of my savior. "Spike?" I asked softly, groaning as a wave of pain washed over me.

He grabbed my shirt and hauled me up. "No one bloody hurts you but me," he growled. "You're mine, you understand?"

I nodded weakly. He turned to attack my father and I grabbed his arm, stopping him. "Spike. . .you can't hurt him. The chip, remember?" I murmured.

"Sod the pain! The bloody bastard has gone too far this time!" he roared. He turned, grabbing my father by the front of his shirt. My father cringed at what I'm sure he figured was a deformity of his face. "If you ever lay a hand on my Xander or Mrs. H again, I swear to bloody god, I'll kill you," he hissed, slamming my father into the wall.

The contact with the wall knocked my father unconscious. Spike cried out, bending over in agonizing pain. I glanced at my mother, making sure she was ok. She was watching us all with wide eyes - and from the angle Spike kept his body, I didn't think she saw his face. I knew she was ok. I slowly moved to Spike. "Spike? Are you ok?" I asked, putting my hand on his back.

He stood, looking at me. I reached out and brushed the tears away from his cheeks, glad he had his human mask on. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me to him, kissing me hard and possessively.

I turned to jelly.

I even moaned.

When he pulled away, I was gasping for air. He rested his forehead against mine. "You're mine, Harris," he growled. "I got you away from that bloke you were seeing last night, and your bloody father thought he was going to hurt you? Not going to happen. If you're going to be a Ponce, that's fine, but you're my Ponce."

I closed my eyes, reliving the kiss in my head. I nodded, a warm feeling traveling through my body. Spike wanted me! Not Harmony, not Drusilla, but me!

Mom walked over to us. "William?" she asked softly.

Spike turned to her, smiling. "Mrs. H! Are you ok?" He looked her over, making sure that she wasn't hurt.

"I'm fine, but I think we need to get Alexander back to the apartment. I think he's hurt," she said softly. "Are you hurt, baby?"

I smiled at Spike. "I'm going to be ok, mom." Spike grinned, the lust flaring in his blues. Oh, yeah. I was going to be fine.

The End

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