Mom! I'm Not Gay!


Part Four

The girls ended up crashing at my apartment. It was closer than the dorms were, and by the time we left the "Xander's Not Gay" night - of course, leaving me more confused than before we went out. . .at least before we went out I knew I wasn't gay, and after we left, I could honestly say I wasn't completely sure. Damn Spike! Anyway, after we left the Bronze, we were all too tired to really make the trek across Sunnydale to campus and be safe. So I told the ladies they could have my bed - also half heartedly informing them that they could do whatever naked things they wanted to do on my bed, so I could bask in the knowledge that two women had sex there - and I would sleep on the couch.

"You aren't going to ask to join us?" Willow teased playfully, nudging me in the side.

I glanced down at her dancing green eyes and smiled. "Too tired tonight, babe. I would probably pass out and you two would do all these delicious things to my body, and I'd miss out on all of it."

Tara nudged me from the other side. "But we'd enjoy it, Xander," she giggled.

I turned to her, shocked. I think I must have had the biggest smile on my face I'd ever had. Willow always told me that when it was just she and Tara, she was much less stuttery and that she really was funny and cute and precious and such a wonderful person and she always wanted me to see the Tara she knew. And I knew at that moment that Tara was comfortable enough with me at this point to show me who she really was, and it gave me warm happy feelings. I liked Tara so much more than I ever liked Oz, and she was so good for Willow.

"Well," I smirked, "if you two ladies get the hankerin' for some Xander-Love, just come wake me up and I'll willingly follow you anywhere so you can have your way with my devastatingly handsome naked body. I don't mind." I wrapped my arms around their shoulders and they both leaned in my embrace. I knew at that moment, no matter what happened, whether I was straight, gay, or bisexual, I would always have the two of them supporting me.

That thought gave me more warm fuzzy feelings. Even though I wasn't gay, it made me happy.

So we got to the apartment and we were all getting ready for bed. Tara leaned up and kissed me on the cheek and said she had a real good time that night. Then she said, "Xander, whatever you decide, I'll always love you anyway, because you are too adorable not to love. As long as you're happy, then I'm happy. Besides, when you're happy, Wills is happy and when she's happy, I get Willow-love, and Willow-love is so good." She grinned.

I chuckled and kissed her forehead. "I bet it is," I replied. I hugged her, tightly, and told her goodnight. She went to Willow, knowing that my best friend wanted to talk to me for a minute.

"I love you, I'll be waiting," she smiled. Then she kissed her.

It was the first time I'd actually sat back and watched the two kiss without my hormones jumping up and screaming, 'WOMEN KISSING! JOIN THEM!' Don't get me wrong, in the back of my head, I still wanted to be in the middle of it, but for some reason, at that moment, I was just content to watch them.

They were beautiful together. Not in a 'man about to get some from two women' way but in an 'artistically pleasing two beautiful women expressing their love' kinda way. I frowned slightly, making a note to myself not to mention that to Willow, because it would definitely reinforce the fact in her mind that I was gay.

I could hear the soft moan from Tara, indicating that whatever it was Willow's tongue was doing in her mouth was a good thing, and it made me think back on all the kisses I'd ever had. Willow's was the only one that made me total jelly like Tara was. Not that Anya didn't make me moan, but by then, we were having sex. Other than Wills, I'd never had someone just make me melt from a kiss.

I blinked suddenly, pulling myself away from watching them. It was as if I'd just had one of those moments of insight. Willow said the reason I pushed her away was because she knew that if we'd ended up together, we'd have been a great couple. Everyone else I knew wouldn't work out, whether it be consciously (Buffy) or subconsciously (Anya, Cordelia, everyone else). Now, why would I push a good thing away?

That would be stupid of me to do.

Unless. . .

What if I were gay? Or even bisexual? Had to be bi. . .I did enjoy sex with Anya.

I closed my eyes and pictured Spike in my mind. I imagined what it would be like for him to take me in his arms and cover my face with kisses, then for him to attack my lips, kissing me deep and passionately.

I think I moaned.


My eyes flew open and I stared at Willow's big green eyes. She was standing in front of me, her eyebrows pushed together in slight confusion. "Not gay!" I cried, inhaling deeply. "Wills, I'm not, I'm really not gay at all! I didn't moan! I swear, I didn't!"

"Um. . .ok," she said, sitting on the couch. I sat down next to her, dropping my head in my hands. "Just because you were standing there watching me and Tara kiss and were really enjoying the idea a lot, that doesn't mean you are gay, Xander." She patted my back.

Wills thought I was thinking about them. She thought that the beginning of my erection was because of them. I turned back to her and sighed. "Thanks for the thought, but it wasn't the two of you I was picturing."

Her eyes widened and she giggled, leaning forward. "Spike?"

I nodded, looking down. "I was trying to remember all the women I'd ever kissed that made me moan - just from a kiss. You were the only one. Then I imagined Spike."

"Damn, Xander, he's really gotten under your skin, hasn't he?"

I sighed. "Yeah, he has." I leaned back against the couch. She pulled her legs under her and turned towards me, reaching up to play with my bangs. "What am I going to do? First off, I'm attracted to Spike - an evil demon. That is wrong on so many levels."

"Because you aren't gay."

"Yeah, and because he's Spike. He's tried to kill us how many times? And if he didn't have the chip, you know he'd kill us. He could never ever see me as anything other than the moron. And besides. He doesn't like men." I frowned.

"Remember what we read in Giles' Journal when we snuck it out of his office? The really old one with talk of Angelus and William the Bloody?" she asked softly.

"Yea, but just because they had a relationship with each other doesn't mean a damn thing! First off, Angelus is his Sire. And if I were a Childe to Angelus, I'd want him. I mean. . ." I sighed. "Never mind, you know the drill."

"If you were gay, yes, I know, Xander."

"What if I am really, Wills? What if I'm gay? I mean. . .I. . .and. . .I just can't. . .there's just some things. . .and. . .gay? Me? The Xand-Man?"

"It's not the end of the world if you are, Xander," she said softly. "Life will go on, I promise."

"I just wish. . ." I paused, trying to figure out how to word the sentence without outing myself - because I wasn't gay - "I just wish that if I were gay, I could accept it as easy as you did."

Willow reached out and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her, burying my face in her neck. Holding Willow was always like the calm in the middle of a storm. No matter what was going on in my life, no matter how bad things were, when she held me, everything focused on that moment, the feeling of her small arms around my neck. I felt safe, and I felt love in Willow's embrace. No one had ever made me feel that way. Not Cordelia, not Anya, not Buffy - no one. Hell, half the time, they were the storm. "It's all going to be ok, Xander," she murmured in my ear. "I promise."

I pulled away, smiling at my dearest, oldest friend in the whole world. "Thanks, Wills."

She leaned up and kissed me, then grinned. "Sure you don't mind if me and Tara. . ." She cleared her throat. "Of course you don't. You'd be thrilled if two women were naked on your bed."

I chuckled. "Do whatever you want, babe. I'll bask in the thoughts in the morning when I'm more awake. But remember - if the two of you want a guy, I'm right here."

She giggled. "Night, Xander."

"Night, Wills." I watched as she got up and moved to the bedroom, shutting the door. I lay back on the couch with a sigh. I knew that as tired as I was, it wouldn't take long for me to fall asleep.

Part Five

I woke up with a start sometime in the middle of the night. I was lying on the couch, panting from. . .from. . .I glanced down and realized what it was I was panting from. I'd had a wet dream! I hadn't had those in a long time - especially after Anya and I started having sex.

It started out being Willow and Tara. They were in my bed, doing all kinds of naked girl things, and Willow called out into the living room and told me that they wanted me to join them. So of course, being the non-gay guy that I was, I joined them. It was really good. I was having a good time anyway.

I remembered hearing the front door open, then close, and Tara and Willow jumped up, saying that they had things to do, witchy things. They waved their hands and disappeared, just like that. I rolled over on the bed, to my back, groaning because I was still hard. "Damn it!" I exclaimed.

And then he was stepping into my room. He was completely naked, the moonlight playing on his body, showing the defining muscles under tight pale skin. I licked my lips, my gaze running down his body. His erection was jutting out proudly from his body. "You are mine, Harris. Don't ever think otherwise."

And then he took me to places I'd never been to before.

In my mind's eye, I could see the way he chewed his bottom lip as he pounded into me - he insisted on taking me like a woman, so he could watch my face. At first, I thought it would be humiliating, but I was so enraptured with watching his face, it didn't bother me at all. He was absolutely beautiful. I didn't think I could properly put his beauty into words.

He opened his eyes, and I watched as they turned golden, as his demon's face came forth. He leaned down over my body, murmured that I was his against my neck, then bit me.

It was at that point that I exploded, and woke up.

And I was lying on the couch, panting, replaying the dream over and over in my head. "Oh, my god," I murmured, getting up. I had to talk to Willow and Tara. I had a dream - about a guy - and I enjoyed it!

I burst into the bedroom, assuming they'd be asleep. "Guys!" I cried.

Tara shrieked and yanked the covers up to her neck. I was standing there in the middle of the bedroom, frowning. I looked around. "Where's Wills?"

My best friend's red head popped out from underneath the covers. "Xander!" she hissed. "We're busy! What do you want?"

I should have known that something was wrong with me when it didn't even phase me that my best friend was underneath the covers pleasing her girlfriend.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, my back to them so they could dress. "Guys, I am so sorry to bother you cause I know you're busy, but I'm wiggin' here."

There was rustling behind me, then they crawled down the bed to sit beside me. "What is it?" Tara asked softly, still blushing.

"I dreamed about him. I mean, dreamed about him." I glanced down, noticing the wet spot on my boxers. I groaned. "Hang on, be right back." I rushed into the bathroom and pulled my boxers off, changing into some sweatpants.

I walked back out and threw myself on the bed, next to them. Willow was sitting against the headboard and Tara was curled in her arms. Willow was running her fingertips along her girlfriend's arm. "What's wrong?" Willow asked.

"Well," I said, staring at my ceiling, "I was laying on the couch, and the two of you decided you wanted a little of the Xand-Man. So I went to the bedroom. The three of us started. . ." I glanced at them, seeing both of them start to blush heavily. "Anyway, then the front door opened and closed, and you both jumped up and said that you had to do witchy stuff, and you waved your hands and disappeared. It was a really cool spell, you should learn how to do it."

Tara grinned at me. Willow chuckled, and said, "That would be real handy during patrol. Almost get attacked by a vamp, disappear."

"So what happened after we left?" Tara asked.

"Spike came in. He was naked. He was beautiful, you guys. I mean, the shadows played over his body and he was lean and fit and pale and my god, he was just. . .he was nummy." I turned to them. "But I'm not gay!"

"We know, Xander," Willow nodded, that same secret smile on her face. "So then what? Did you two. . .?"

"It was incredible. Every moment. I mean. . .it was. . .and I. . ." I shook my head. "It was incredible. He bit me, at the end, right before we were both about to have our orgasms. He bit me and I woke up. Guys, it got me off! I had a wet dream about a man!" I turned over, burying my face in the pillow.

"It's going to be ok, Xander," Willow murmured softly. "I promise."


The next thing I knew, the alarm was going off. I reached over and hit the snooze button, wanting to go back to sleep. It was late - almost noon. I didn't have to go to work that day, and it was Saturday, so the girls didn't have school. I turned over, freezing when I felt a body in my bed.

I slowly opened my eyes to see Willow grinning at me. "Morning, sleepy head."

"Wills," I said, rubbing my eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"Well," she said, sitting up, "you fell back asleep and we didn't have the heart to kick you out of your bed again, so me and Tara snuggled to each other and slept on the other side."

I blinked. "You mean you two slept in my bed with me, and I missed it?"

She giggled slightly. "You walked in on me. . ." She blushed heavily, "between her legs and you didn't even realize it, Xander."

My mouth dropped open. "You mean there was sex and I totally missed it?" I shook my head, sitting up. "Damn that stupid Spike! He's throwing me all off kilter! There were two hot naked girls in my bed doing stuff and I missed it! All because of that stupid dream!" I sighed. "And I'm not gay, so I should have been totally repulsed by the thought of him, kissing me and holding me and the way his body felt against mine. . .how right it felt. . ." I sniffed, feeling the tears fill my eyes. Damn, now I was going to cry like a baby. "I'm not gay, Wills. Please, you gotta make this nightmare stop. It's getting worse, and it's driving me crazy."

Willow leaned over, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. She leaned her head against mine. "Xander, this is going to eat at you until you at least give it a chance."

"Maybe you should go out on a date with a guy and see what it's like."

We both looked up. Tara was standing at the door with a tray in her hands, loaded down with a lot of breakfast food. She shrugged slightly. "I made breakfast for us," she said quietly, glancing down with a blush.

I grinned, seeing all the food. I pushed my feelings aside for the time being and decided that food was more important. "A woman after my own heart. Wills, hang on tightly to this one or I might have to snatch her away from you," I teased.

Both of them giggled.

As we all piled on my bed and ate, we decided to have a 'fun' day, not thinking about me and my issues with not being gay. We would go to the mall, do some shopping, find something for Giles for his birthday, just hanging out as friends did. "Maybe we should call Buffy and Riley, see if they want to come with us," Willow suggested.

"That sounds cool," I grinned, leaning over to grab the phone. I called the Buffster's house and she said her and Riley would love to join us at the mall. She'd been going there anyway to find something to get for him, so it worked out really well.

We had a great day at the mall, just five friends hanging out. I never once had to defend my heterosexuality. Buffy and Riley still had no clue I was even having problems, so it was never brought up. We all chipped in and bought Giles a really nice leather bound book so he could record his thoughts and such. Willow suggested I buy one for myself; perhaps I could help myself by writing all my thoughts down in them. I decided she was right, that it might do me well to do that.

At the end of our little outing, we all split up, going to our respective homes. I walked my girls home and gave them both a big hug, telling them thank you for everything they'd done for me. "Call us if you need us, Xander," Tara said.

Willow put on her resolve face. "We are here for you, Xand."

"Thanks." I gave them another patented Xander grin, then went home.

Part Six

The sun had set by the time I got back to the apartment. I was downstairs in the lobby, at the mailboxes, getting my mail. I frowned, wondering why there were a couple of bright pink flyers in my box. I pulled the pink paper out and gasped.

~Calling all gay men of Sunnydale!~ it read. ~This month's meeting of the Gay Alliance has been rescheduled! It will be on the 23rd at the Civic Center at 7:00pm! Please, join us on this day! We will discuss a lot of exciting things, and plan for the shopping excursion next month in LA!~

"What the. . ." I pulled out another envelope and opened it, seeing it was from the Gay Alliance of Sunnydale. Enclosed were a letter and a few leaflets about being gay, and the importance of getting tested for AIDS regularly. Reading quickly over the letter, I groaned. My mother had gotten in touch with the GAoS and gave them my name and address. The letter also stated that they would be thrilled to have me join their next meeting, where they would discuss different hardships "we as Gay Americans" had to endure.

I started banging my head against the metal mailboxes. I didn't care that I was causing myself a headache. Was this nightmare ever going to end? I was beginning to think that maybe if I just proclaimed to the world that I was gay, it would all go away.

"Uh. . .Alexander Harris?"

I spun around quickly, clutching my mail to my chest. I frowned slightly at the guy standing about five feet away from me. He was handsome - tall, dark hair, dark eyes. . .the kind you could get lost in. Not Spike's, mind you, but beautiful eyes nonetheless.

Well, they would have been if. . .

God, never mind.

"Yeah?" I asked softly. "I'm. . .Xander."

"Xander," he said, rolling the name around on his tongue. "I like it."

I blinked in mild shock. He *liked* it? Why did he like my name? And why was he telling me? He looked like he could be a football player, or a jock of some sort - clean cut and extremely handsome. Why would he be telling another guy that he liked his name?

"Can I help you?" I asked, having the disadvantage of not having a clue who the hell he was.

He blushed slightly, looking down. "I'm sorry." He stepped forward, holding his hand out. "I'm Mike. Mike Tucker."

I shook his hand. He had big hands, and a firm grip. Too bad he wasn't gay.

Not that I was, or anything, or that I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss those full lips of his. Because I didn't. I didn't want to know what he looked like without his clothes on. Not at all.

"I didn't mean to intrude, but. . ." He glanced around, satisfied that the lobby was empty. "Your mom and my mom are friends. . ."

I pulled my hand away and stepped back against the mailboxes. I slammed my head against them. "I am so sorry, Mike, that my mother is probably hounding your mother about this. I don't know why she's got it in her head that I'm gay, because I'm not."

Great. She'd gone from hounding Spike to hounding a perfectly good stranger who was probably here to beat the shit out of me for thinking I was a pansy.

"You. . .aren't?" he asked, frowning slightly.

He actually almost looked crushed.

"You. . .are?" I asked, an eyebrow rising.

"Your mother didn't call you today? Seems like our moms got on this roll at the meeting for 'Parents Supporting the Gay Alliance' - it's a program the Alliance has for the parents of us gay folk - anyway, they got on a roll last night about how neither of their sons could find a decent man, and finally decided to set us up. She was supposed to call you today and tell you I was coming over."

I blushed and looked down. "I'm sorry, Mike, I haven't been home today. I must have missed the call."

"Oh," he said, glancing away. "If you aren't gay, why is your mom in the group?"

I opened my mouth to launch into the story, then stopped. He was a handsome guy, and Tara's words from that morning kept echoing through my mind, 'Maybe you should go out with a guy to see what it's like.'

"I'm. . .undecided at this moment," I said, finally being honest with someone - including myself. "I'm just. . .not sure. I mean, I like women - a lot - but lately, I've noticed a guy. . .or two, and I'm just not sure. My best friend seems to think I am, but. . ."

"Ahh," Mike said knowingly. "Been there, experienced it when I was 16. If. . .if you decide you are, this is one of the hardest parts of getting to that point. Denial - strong denial - will make you believe anything."

I was starting to learn that.

"So anyway, I'll leave you alone. . .I really didn't mean to bother you or anything. . ."

"Wait!" I said, stepping forward. "My friend Tara said that I should go out with someone, see what it's like. I don't. . .I mean, I don't really feel comfortable going out on a date, per se, but maybe we could just. . .I don 't know, go have dinner? You can help me, maybe. You know, since I really don't know any. . .um. . ."

"Gay men?" he asked, smiling slightly.

"Yea. Would that be ok?"

I couldn't believe I was actually hoping he'd say yes.

His smile lit up the lobby. "I'd like that. Even as friends, I think that would be cool," he smiled.

My god, he was handsome. He reminded me a bit of Angel, tall and dark and mysterious.

"Cool," I said. I glanced down. "I should change though. . ." My baggy jeans and my Hawaiian shirt sort of clashed with the nice chinos and silk shirt he was wearing.

"I can wait down here for you, if you'd like."

"Naw, you can come upstairs," I said.

"Ok," he grinned.

We got in the elevator and headed upstairs. My mind started racing. I was going out on a date. With a man. With a real, honest-to-God man. Even though it wasn't a date, I knew in the back of my head that it was. He was far too handsome for it not to be one. I would be stupid - if I decided that I was gay - to pass up on him.

A brief pang of fear entered my body. What if he were a vampire? What if this were a trick, that he was going to eat me? I kneeled on the floor of the elevator and started looking through my backpack, finally pulling out a cross. "Hold this," I said, absentmindedly, still looking through my sack. I figured I could pull that one off, pretend I was looking for something else and the huge religious symbol was in my way.

He took it out of my hands and looked it over. I glanced up at him. He was fascinated with the item, and definitely not a vampire. "Nice cross. Why do you carry it around?" he asked.

"Huh? Oh, um. . .well. . ." I stammered.

He smiled at me. "It's ok, Xander. I know people don't like to discuss religion too often. I can understand that."

I smiled back. "Thanks." I finished digging through my backpack, realizing my keys were at the bottom anyway, so I didn't look like a total fool in front of him. I took them out and took the cross from him. "Thanks again, Mike."

"Anytime," he said, clasping my shoulder.

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