The 10 Commandments of Spander


  1. ‘That ‘no other but me’ thing.’ So, yeah… I’m gunna go ahead and say that this is an exclusive thing. I’ve never been into open relationships, and don’t really want to start now. So the first commandment will be ‘thou shalt have no other lover but me’. Obviously, if we break up, then we can have other lovers, but hopefully we won’t break up. This is gunna be a ‘death/undeath do us part’ thing, right? Not that I want you to feel pressurised into commitment you don’t want…

    Yeah, Xan, this is a long term thing. So it’s my turn then?

  1. ‘No carven images or idols’. Does that mean you’re not allowed those action figures and collectors plates? Good. You’ve got them set up like a bleeding shrine to science fiction. Sometimes I think you love Babylon 5 more than you love me. Actually, scratch that, I know you; your loves, in order, are twinkies, sci-fi, me. So I’m thinking we can keep this commandment in, yeah?

Oh, thanks, Spike. Yeah, read the sarcasm. I in no way love twinkies more than I love Babylon 5.

  1. ‘You shalt not take my name in vain’. Ha! That means no more calling me donut boy or whelp or droopy boy anymore. I like this one. Maybe you’ll start using my real name now. Especially around my friends, because those names? Degrading. Even if I don’t know what a ‘whelp’ is. Spike? What’s a whelp?

Y’know, they make these books now, with words in, and the words are listed alphabetically, and there’s a definition next to each word. It’s called a dictionary. ‘Whelp’ is listed in these dictionaries. Look it up. And it means you won’t be allowed to call me deadboy junior or fangless, so I like that rule. My turn again?

  1. ‘Remember the sabbath’. That is something you really need to learn how to do, pet. No more going out helping the slayer at the weekend. That’s supposed to be our time together and you keep spending all your time with her and Red. Then you’re too sodding tired to do anything but sleep. Three weeks running I’ve had to take things in hand when you’ve fallen asleep now!

You’re so romantic. If you loved me, you would help out a bit more instead of slouching on tomb stones trying to look sexy and alluring. Ha, this is one we’ll have to take out all together I think…

  1. ‘Honor your father and mother’. My parents are useless drunks and yours are mass murdering psychopaths. And there is no way in any hell dimension that I would ever honor Deadboy Senior.

Angelus is not my father. My father died a long time ago and I’ll not have you speaking ill of my family. My mum was a good lady. Now shut up and let me have my turn.

  1. ‘You shall not murder’. Okay, I have the chip, so that’s no humans, but where do we stand when it comes to demons? Some of them are my friends. Granted, some are mass murdering, evil fiends, but not all of them. Let’s have this as ‘I won’t kill your friends and I won’t kill yours’. That okay for you, luv?

If that’s the best you’ll agree to, I guess… Do you even have friends? I thought you had ‘demons I can still play poker with’ and ‘demons I cheated at poker with’? Don’t scowl at me. And don’t show me those fangs. You’re not scary when you’re pouting in game face…

  1. ‘No committing adultery’. I thought I covered this in the first one, but I’ll say it again. I love you, Spike. I love you so much. I want this to be just you and me. No one else. I’m not going to cheat on you. I hope you won’t cheat on me. But if you do, promise me you won’t lie to me. Okay? Promise?

I promise. But you should know me well enough by now, pet. I’m love’s bitch. I’ll stay with you until you leave or until one of us dies. And if you die first, I’ll be out by your grave, waiting for the sunrise. I love you, Alexander LaVelle Harris. Don’t forget it…

  1. ‘You shall not steal’. Bugger. What am I goin’ to do with my nights if I can’t go stealing? That’s my main source of income. Can we keep this one so I can afford to eat? Y’know the butcher from the shop on the high street jacks up the price after sunset? You can buy it cheap during the day, but if I go just before it shuts? It’s bloody expensive!

Spike, I’ll buy your blood for you. I’ll be like your sugar daddy. Or sugar great great great great great… no, that’s too many greats… I’ll be your sugar kid. Oh, god no- that sounds wrong!

  1. ‘You shall not bear false witness’. That means, vamp of mine, that you can’t tell me that Willow ate the last twinkie, or that the box of bleach in the bathroom is Buffy’s. I know you bleach your hair. Hell, everyone in the northern hemisphere knows you bleach your hair. Its one of the few things visible from space!

Hey! I have never said that my bleach is the Slayers. We use different shades of blonde, for a start. She uses natural ash blonde, and I use absolute platinum. Shouldn’t you know something that important by now? Last one. Good.

  1. ‘Thou shalt not covet they neighbours ass’. Got that Xan? No coveting. From here on out, the only arse you’re allowed to want is mine. Got it?

Yeah, Spike. I got it. I love you, and your firm, sexy, bitable ‘arse’.

Xan? Pet? Love of my life? Never try to do an English accent again, or we’re goin’ to have problems.

The End