Rating: PG-13

For Good_Evil challenge – any two characters, lost in a car, there’s an apple involved…

Shut Up, Spike


“You know,” the vampire drawled, “if you’d just bloody admit you’re lost---“

“Shut up, Spike.”

“I’m jus’ saying—“

“Not interested.”

“Fine.”  Spike settled into his seat and took out his cigarettes.  “ ‘M jus’ sayin’….”

“Stop saying.”


“And yet, your mouth is still mov---ahhhh!”


“Don’t say it.”

“Oh, I’m goin’ to say it. You can count on it.”

“I mean it, Spike.”

“You wrecked the bloody car, whelp!  You can’t seriously expect me to—“

“I have a stake and I’m not afraid to use it.”

“Yes, you are.  The Slayer wouldn’t forgive you for killin’ off Dawn’s bodyguard.”

“She would. Eventually…”

“Would not.”

“Would too.”


“Would you just shut up and help me figure out how to get out of here?”


“You’re stuck.”

We’re stuck, blood breath.  Try lifting it again.”

“Do I look like a soddin’ crane?  I’m jus’ flesh and blood, you know.”

“Vampire. Super strength. Ringing any bells here?”

“Vampire – not heavy equipment.”

“Try again. I’ll help.”

“Oh, that’ll make all the difference.”

“Shut up, Spike.”


“So, what do you want to do while we wait?”

“I want you not to talk.”

“But, I haven’t said it yet.”

“And you won’t, if you don’t want me to get the stake out of that glove compartment.”

“It’s a glove box, you git.  A box to put your gloves in.”

“This is an American car. Speak American in it.”

“Thought you didn’t want me to talk?”

“I don’t.  I just meant -  if I did, I would want you to speak American.”

“ ‘M English.”

“You live here – you should talk…regular…like us.”

“That so?”

“Very so.”

“I don’t want to sound like you lot.”

“Then, shut up.”


“How long did they say?”

“You just asked me that.”

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

“Did not.”

“Did t-- why am I talking to you?”

“Cause I’m here and you can’t resist me.”

“That must be i—What!  Oh, I sooo can resist you.  You are completely resistible.”

“You, on the other hand, are, if I recall it just right, ‘a nummy treat - juicy and delicious.’  Did I get that right?”

“You…you remembered that?”

“Bloke doesn’t forget that kind of an offer.”

“It wasn’t an offer!  It was a…a…”


“Yes, a tea-  No!  Not a tease.  Stop putting words in my mouth!”

“What would you like me to put in your mouth?”

“This conversation is over. Over, do you hear me?  Over.”

“But, it was jus’ startin’ to be fun…”

“Shut up, Spike.”


“ ‘M hungry.”

“Don’t look at me...I mean it….Don’t look at me.”

“You’d never miss a few sips – hardly know I’m there.  I promise.”

“Here – for the love of God, have an apple.”

“I don’t eat apples!  Vampire, here, remember? We eat people.  Plump… juicy… people.”

“Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m a…a…jelly donut or a…”

“Happy meal on legs?”

“I really did not need that visual.  Can’t you just be normal for once?”

“I AM normal. I’m a perfectly normal vampire and I’m hungry.”

“Shut up, Spike.”


“If you aren’t going to eat that apple, let me have it.  I’m hungry too.”

“If I give you the apple, will you give me a little taste?”

“Would you knock it off?”

“What’s the matter, whelp? Afraid you might like it?”

“No! I know I wouldn’t like it.”

“Never know till you try…”

“We ARE still talking about you eating me, right?”


“Shut up, Spike.”


“I’m telling Buffy on you.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“Oh, yeah, I am.  You watch me.  As soon as they get here.  You are so busted,…buster.”

“What are you gonna tell her?  ‘Spike was mean to me’?  ‘Spike’s looking at me?  Mommy, make him stop looking at me!’ “

“Shut up, Spike.”


“Hi, guys.  Sorry it took us so long to get here, but we had to wait for the tow truck to follow us.  What did you do while you were waiting?”



“You did nothing for three hours?  Didn’t you at least talk to each other?”



The Slayer cocked a disbelieving eyebrow.

“What?  I can be quiet.”

“Spike can’t.”

“Go ahead, whelp. Tell her what we talked about.”

“Shut up, Spike.”

The End

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