It was a train-wreck waiting to happen, and here Xander was, forced to watch it all play out in hi-def. One of the new slayers was getting married. Yay, right? To her Watcher. Double-Yay. And, oh yeah, by the way-- the chick's bi. And her eyes have been on Willow's sexy lesbian ass since they pregamed the bachelorette party back at Casa De Slayers. Very focused, those eyes. A Trifecta Of Yay.

Xander had wanted to be anywhere but here tonight. Instead, he was dragged along as an “honorary bridesmaid”, playing Sober Scooby while the ladies all got wasted. First stop? Well, this had to be the dingiest sex shop in London. No wonder the girls were drinking like fish. Alcohol was a disinfectant, after all.

“Ooh, I've ALWAYS wanted one of these!” Dawn squealed, holding up something... phallic-shaped that looked like it belonged in a sci-fi porno. At least it was pink. “Show me how it works!”

“You insert the penis into--”

Yays all around. His mind sighed, tuning them out. Irritated, he headed down the “edibles” aisle, perusing the shelves of candy panties and flavored lube, gummy cock rings, body paint...

He literally froze at the end of the aisle.

Displayed, like the crown jewels in a selection of trashy regalia, were gigantic, almost realistic chocolate lollipops. Shaped like penises.

“Oh. My God.” Xander's jaw unhinged. First of all-- No-- No, there's not even a first of all. This just makes up for everything. “I need like eight of these.” He murmured to himself, plucking all the biggest ones from the display. God, he hoped the Council wasn't checking expense reports, because this is one charge that wouldn't be easy to explain. He paid for the pops and headed for the back to escape the madness of Dawn with crazy alien vibrators.

Behind him, the bride-to-be was in the costume aisle with Willow, pulling on her feather boa and whispering sweet somethings into her ear. Scoffing a little, Xander passed them by without comment. Hell, they can have their little secret.

Xander had his own.

Slipping into one of the dressing rooms, he unwrapped the first pop he could grab from his bag and tapped Spike's number in his phone.

“... Harris.”

“Wanna know what I'm doing right now?”


“Sucking on a big, fat, chocolate cock.”


“Literally, chocolate.”

“... Pet, if I'd been anywhere close to alive, that phrase alone would've given me a heart-attack.”

“It's really good chocolate--” He spoke around it, whining a little when the, ah, tip broke off in his mouth. “Oh. Huh.” He chewed. “Cream filled. Nice.”

“Oh?” Spike purred, and he could hear in his tone that he was feeling frisky. “It's that good?”

“Nah. I miss the vanilla you're packin'. Any chance you can meet me somewhere? We're heading to that club--”

“-- Depends.” Spike's voice was even more teasing. “Give me good reason.”

Smirking a little, Xander hung up on the vampire and wrapped up the half-finished lolli to take out a fresh one. He unwrapped it, sucked the tip into his mouth, and took an over-the-top, slightly cheesy picture of himself with his phone's camera. And sent it.

Spike showed up at the shop ten minutes later. Watching him try to explain just why he was here to a group of drunk slayers with dildos for weaponry, without mentioning Xander's name... Yeah. That's entertainment.

The End