Paybacks are a Bitch
Anya catches Spike and Xander being naughty...
Xander's body tingled and shivered with extreme pleasure as he teetered on the very edge of orgasm. Then, Spike slammed his thick cock deep inside of him and shuddered violently. Xander could feel the shifting of his lover's face against his neck as Spike's gameface came to the fore, brow ridges pressing tightly to his sweaty skin. Another shudder against his back, hips humping impossibly closer to his ass as cold thick seed flooded his guts. That was enough to send him over the edge. With a howl, his muscles spasmed and twitched as his hard cock jerked and pumped hot seed onto the sheets below him.
Limbs shaking with aftershocks and exhaustion, Xander collapsed onto the rumpled and soiled bed, his lover's slowly softening cock still inside of his body. A half a second later, Spike's cool solid weight pressed against his sweaty back, squashing him into the mattress delightfully. Xander sighed in contentment.
"...oh my god..."
The words were soft, little more than a whisper. But that wasn't what caught Xander and Spike's attention. It was the fact that the words were whispered in tones of unutterable horror and disbelief. Slowly, with chills creeping up both of their spines, they turned their heads to look towards the bedroom door.
And saw Anya standing there, her pale face drawn with shock.
Xander stared at his girlfriend, painfully aware that he was laying on their bed naked with another person. A male person. And that they were still intimately joined, the evidence of their passion drying on their skin, their sweat slick bodies still pressed tightly together.
The surprised expression on Anya's face shifted towards hurt and betrayal.
Xander's mouth opened and shut several times, but nothing came out. He was speechless. There was nothing that he could say that would make her feel better... and he knew it. While he lay there mentally floundering, Spike opened his mouth and answered for him.
"I guess Xanpet loves me best, doesn't he? Not that you're a bad looking chit, but let's face it. I am the Big Bad, now ain't I? Sorry luv, but you understand, don't you?"
Xander didn't know which to react to first. The callus way that Spike had just stomped all over Anya's broken heart or the fact that the hurt look on Anya's face had just shifted to unadulterated rage.
Then, she shimmered... and pulsed with a deep red light... finally collapsing to the floor with an anguished cry.
Xander could feel his heart begin to pound in his chest even as Spike pulled away from him, breaking their physical connection with a muttered, "...oh bloody hell...". Part of Xander wanted to crawl off of the bed and try to comfort his hurting and hysterical girlfriend, another part of him wanted to grab Spike and just run... far far away from all of this mess. Unsure which way to turn, Xander sat locked in indecision as Anya rose up off of the floor. In full Vengeance Demon mode.
"Wha...? Anya! What's happening to you?"
An icy tendril of fear and dread settled at the base of his spine, sending out "fight or flight" impulses and his hands began to tremble as he watched her throw back her head and laugh. It was an awful and chilling sound. Even Spike seemed impressed.
"Me? Oh, nothing I haven't been waiting for. You see, the only way I could get my Demon powers back was to become a scorned woman again. Why did you think that I hooked up with you? It certainly wasn't for your money or your brains. No... it was because I knew that you couldn't have a real relationship with any woman and not screw it up. It was all just a matter of time..."
Xander felt his face go pale as the implications of what she had said slammed into him.
"You bitch! You never really loved me, you were just using me!"
Anya just smirked.
"At first, yeah, I was using you. But, you held out longer than I thought you would. I'm impressed. So... unfortunately, I did start to love you... which only makes this hurt me even more..."
A look of real regret flashed across her own version of a gameface, but then it flickered away to be replaced by anger once again.
"I'm sorry Xander, but I'm going to have to curse you for this. It's in the Vengeance Demon contract."
Xander began to frantically shake his head back and forth, holding his hands out palm forward in supplication.
"No! Anya please! Can't we, I don't know... um, talk about this?"
Spike snorted in disgust as he glared at Xander's girlfriend.
"I can't believe you. You're such a twisted fucked up stupid little twit. You deliberately pushed yourself, unwanted I might add, on a bloke you knew was gay and living in denial just so that you could reap the "scorned woman" bit when he finally accepted who and what he was... and now you're gonna curse him for your own deeds. That bloody well sucks, don't it?"
Anya offered up a remorseless grin and shrugged.
"Looks that way. But don't worry Spike, as I said. I do love him... so I'm gonna curse you too."
They both exchanged baffled glances and shrugged. Anya giggled.
"You see, I know that you're just in this for a good shag. I once told you that Xander was a Viking in the sack, and I meant it. But, now... you're gonna be truly deeply madly in love with him. His happiness will be your only concern... from now on that is."
With that, Anya pointed at Spike and whispered a single word under her breath. Green and purple sparks of glittery light appeared in the air around the blonde vampire and swirled around him faster and faster. Then, with a loud popping sound, the sparkles slammed into his chest and faded from sight. Spike jerked upright, his yellow eyes rolling back into his head and he screamed. Then, as if a switch had been flipped, he collapsed into unconsciousness.
Xander gulped in fear as he watched his lover fall forward on his face. Then, trembling in anticipation and fear, he turned back to face his, now, ex-girlfreind.
"Well Xander, now that you have yourself a devoted husband who will never ever cheat on you for any reason... you need a family too."
Xander felt a shiver run down his spine at her words and the grin that accompanied them.
"Wha... what do you... um, mean?"
His voice wasn't quite a squeak of sheer terror.
"Simple. Spike can be the husband... and since you seem to like being his woman... you can be the pregnant one."
Then Anya smiled, whispered a single word under her breath and pointed at him. Xander saw a swirl of brightly sparkling green and purple glitter fly through the air towards him and then his world exploded in pain and light. Electric pulses sizzled along his nerve endings and he jerked and twitched in an agonizing parody of the love he had just made with Spike. Then, thankfully, black oblivion rose up around him and he knew no more...
A Few Confessions, Some Confusion & A Conniption Fit
Panic sets in, so Xander drags his undead love-muffin to theMagic Box to consult Giles...
"...and after Spike fell over like a stiff board onto his face, Anya turned to me and gave me this nasty grin and I swear my spine tried to leave the apartment without me and so I asked her what she was going to do and then..."
Xander sucked in a deep breath and let it out in a hysterical giggle, his hands wringing themselves as he paced at a frantic rate of speed back and forth across the floor of the Magic Box.
"...she said that Spike was now my husband! Can you believe that! No wedding! No "I do's!" No diamond ring! Just one pissed off Vengeance Demon with a grudge and bam! I'm married to the Bleached Wonder! I mean... I don't know what I mean, but anyway, that's when she decided that I needed a family to go with my brand new husband and I guess she figured that since I'm a bottom that I'd make a great mommy or some shit like that and... and... and..."
His eyes suspiciously bright, Xander collapsed into a chair, his expression a mixture of the onset of depression and barely staved off panic.
"...I don't want to be pregnant!"
At the end of Xander's diatribe, sudden deafening silence filled the shop for half a second and then the deathly quiet was broken by the sound of a delicate teacup shattering against the hardwood floor. Xander looked up at the noise to find all eyes on him.
Giles had dropped his tea. Shards of fine porcelain lay scattered about his feet and his pant legs were wet and stained. A look of horrified shock was etched onto his normally calm features.
Buffy looked angry. No... more than angry. She looked upset, hurt, betrayed. She was also focusing her attention more towards Spike.
Willow was staring at him with a weird mixture of sorrow and wonderment. It was if she didn't know whether to cry for him or smile and get all bouncy and excited.
Tara just seemed slightly embarrassed and completely fascinated.
Spike... well, Spike was still staring at Xander with the same expression that had graced his face since they had awoken in Xander's bed an hour and a half ago. One of utter devotion and love. Deep blue eyes sparkled and a soft smile lifted the corners of his lips making him seem so young and innocent.
"Um... guys? Someone please say something. Anything. You're, uh... freaking me out here, and I can honestly say that I've reached my daily limit of freaky shit already, so..."
Buffy was the first to recover.
"You slept with Spike?! I mean, you had sex with... with... with... him?!"
Xander nodded sadly. Spike nodded happily... and tried to snuggle closer to the depressed human. With a resigned sigh, Xander let him. Buffy stepped around the large wooden table and gestured to the leather duster wearing vampire that was practically sitting on Xander's lap.
"But... but... but... he's a guy! You don't like guys!"
Xander could feel his panic lessening as he sat in the relative safety of the Magic Box and his "husband's" arms. Unfortunately, as his panic decreased, his embarrassment over the situation grew proportionally.
"Um... yeah. About that... see, I actually do like guys. Sorta. Just, you know... um, not all the time."
At that, Spike pulled back. His blue blue eyes swam with unshed tears and his bottom lip quivered appealingly. At the moment, he looked all too human and very very young and vulnerable. Xander's heart squeezed at the sight.
"Wha... don't you love me? Aren't I enough? I love you Xan! I do! I can prove it to you, just... give me another chance!"
Part of Xander wanted to melt into a little ball of sugary goo at Spike's display of clinging insecurity, especially since he knew it was genuine. Anya's curse made him feel this way and Spike couldn't control himself. Part of him also wanted to roll his eyes in annoyance and tell Spike to get over it. However, Xander also realized that he suddenly had the power to hurt Spike more than anyone else ever did, with the possible exception of Dru. And he, Xander Harris, just couldn't bring himself to be that cold and unfeeling.
With a sigh, Xander reassured the love-struck vampire that was valiantly trying not to cry in his lap. Reaching his arm around Spike, he began to rub little circles against his lover's back and pulled the blonde a little closer so that he could whisper into his ear.
"Shhh... Spike. No. It's not like that. You don't understand. I've had a few relationships with guys, but I've also always had a girlfriend at the same time. I... I... I never did the whole monogamous relationship thing with a guy before. This is just... different for me. And then there's the whole 'Anya cursed Xander with a pregnancy thing' to think about too."
Spike's voice was soft, barely even there. Xander could tell that he wasn't convinced, but also that he wasn't going to argue the point. Buffy, however, didn't feel that restraint.
"And you! Spike! I thought you were in love with me?"
Spike turned to face the Slayer and snarled. In a complete transformation from the gentle way he was treating Xander, Spike growled at the blonde girl and shot her a look of disdain.
"Had your chance to be with me, didn't you? Too late now Slayer. Got me a new love. Better than you, isn't he? Sexier, too."
A look of surprise flashed across Buffy's face, swiftly followed by anger. On reflex, she reached behind her and yanked her stake out of concealment under her shirt. Spike flinched back at the sight of it and Xander gathered him closer onto his lap, protectively wrapping his arms around his lover, one arm strategically placed over his unbeating heart.
"Um, guys. Not the point here. We need to figure out just what Anya did to me. I mean, I'm not exactly plumbed for what she suggested, ya know?"
At that point, Giles and Willow seemed to break out of their paralysis. Giles, true to form, wandered over to his bookcase and began to rifle through the dusty leather bound volumes, muttering under his breath. Willow, on the other hand, tried to be helpful without showing too much excitement. It didn't work. She was practically vibrating.
"Oh, oh! Um, this is cool, um... well, not cool cool, but you know, neat cool. As in, something new and different and... well, cool. So..."
Xander felt a small grin tug at his lips and a little sliver of hope enter his heart. At least Willow was on his side. She'd be there to support him and help him and listen to him if he needed to talk. That was something that Xander had been afraid he'd loose over this whole debacle.
"We should probably try and figure out if she could actually, you know, um... make you pregnant. Once we know that, then we will know what steps we can take. To, you know, make preparations. For the baby. Or not."
Xander felt a little tendril of fear again. He hadn't considered that aspect of it. He had focused on the idea of being pregnant, but he hadn't considered that fact that pregnancy resulted in babies! Panic was beginning to sound good again.
"Um... Wills? Uh... not to sound stupid or anything, but how do we find out if Anya's curse worked or not?"
Willow gave him a grinning version of her "duh" face. The familiarity of that beloved expression, one he had been looking upon since he himself was a young child, lulled him into a false sense of security.
"Why, we'll give you a pregnancy test, of course!"
Panic set in at full force at that little pronouncement. Xander could feel himself begin to tremble violently and Spike shifted in his arms to look at him with a concerned expression on his handsomely chiseled face.
Then, Giles walked over with a thin and battered looking book held open in his hands.
"Of course, that won't tell us if the child is human."
Xander's panic welled up to insupportable levels until his brain simply overloaded. Darkness rushed in to fill his vision and as if from a far off distance, he heard his lover's voice speak scathingly at the Watcher.
"Bloody Hell! Look what you've gone and done. You made my Nummy pass out!"
Paranoid Blonde Psychotic
Spike brings his unconscious Nummy home, and then precedes to overreact to events...
Slowly, little by little, Xander became aware of his surroundings. It was quiet, warm and... soft?! Slightly confused, and just a touch wary, Xander peeled open one eye. And saw that he was back in his apartment and lying on his bed.
He had no idea how he'd come to be here since his last memory was at the Magic Box, but home he was. What's more, he was lying in bed, propped up by a mountain of pillows and cushions and fluffed up old sheets with what seemed to be every single blanket he owned spread out over top of him and then tucked up under his chin.
With one confused eyebrow rising up in search of his hairline, Xander shifted around in his bed. Or at least, he tried to. The few small wiggles that he could make let him know two facts. One, he had been stripped down naked before being put to bed, and two, the multiple layers of blankets over top of him also happened to be tucked up underneath the bed's mattress. He was, in essence, trapped by warm fluffiness.
Turning his head to the side, since it was the only part of him that he could move freely, Xander noticed that he was also alone. A frown formed on his face and mild claustrophobia began to set in. Besides, he had to go pee and he was unable to get out of his bed. Not a good combination in his mind.
"Um?... Hello?... Ahhh... is anyone out there?..."
Xander's frown deepened suddenly and he muttered to himself.
"Great. Now I'm channeling Pink Floyd songs. Just what I need to convince myself I'm not going crazy..."
However, before Xander could convince himself that the past day really had been a horrible hallucination brought on by an overdose of pop-culture combined with too much sugar and caffeine, Xander heard quick heavy footsteps from the other room. They were heading directly for his bedroom door.
Xander wondered briefly who it was that had brought him home and tucked him in to bed with every woolly and fleecy piece of blanket shaped fabric he owned when the door swung open and Spike practically flew across the room to perch on the edge of the bed, his long fingered pale hands fluttering nervously as he attempted to straighten the blankets a bit. Xander looked up into worried blue eyes set in a face who's expression was one of helpless adoration and sighed. Figures. It was his newly cursed "husband", Worrywart the Bloody.
"Xan-Luv? You okay? Still feel... um, wobbly?"
Xander shook his head no. On reflex he tried to reach out with his hand to soothe the agitated vampire, but he couldn't get his arms out from under the blankets. His squirming must have alerted Spike to his dilemma, because the bleached blonde carefully drew back the blanket, but only enough for Xander to work free that one hand. Then, Spike smoothed back the blankets again.
"Um... no. I'm... fine. No wobbles here, but... uh, not too sound stupid or anything, but... why am I in bed? I mean, with all of the blankets and all?"
Spike gave him a look that was equal parts "duh" and "isn't he adorable".
"Pet... luv, you humans are a fragile lot. I've broken enough of 'em in my time, so I should know. Must admit that I don't know too much about taking care of one, but I do know some stuff that I picked up here and there, don't I? You fainted from shock pet, and everyone knows you have to keep shock victims warm."
Spike screwed up his face in thought and his bright blue eyes searched the ceiling for a brief moment, but before Xander could argue that he was more than warm and was heading towards overly hot, Spike tilted his head to face him again.
"Do you need me to go get you some orange juice? Broke into the local Red Cross one night to nick me a bag or two of A positive a while back, and I heard some bint in a white uniform tell some bloke to drink up all the orange juice in her cup so that he wouldn't end up face down on the tiles again."
The absurdity of the situation began to press down on Xander and he couldn't have stopped the silly grin which erupted across his face even if Principle Snyder himself up and walked through the door only to sit down beside him so they could discuss rebuilding the school back over the Hellmouth. Reaching out with his one free hand, Xander grasped hold of one of Spike's nervously fluttering ones and gave a gentle squeeze.
"Spike, I'm fine. Honest. I have to pee and I'm sorta hungry, but there's no need to worry. It's just... stress. Honest."
Spike nodded in agreement for about half a minute and then he frowned and began to shake his head in the negative. Xander was confused.
"S'not fine Xan-Luv. I mean, the hungry part we can fix right enough, but the stress... that's not good for you humans. Leads to all sorts of nasty things... like heart attacks and strokes and ulcers and what not. S'not good for our baby either."
At the very mention of "the baby" and Xander's possible pregnancy, he began to tremble again. Not as bad this time, but enough that it was obvious to vampire senses. Spike, however, misunderstood his anxiety and began to try to pet and soothe him.
"Shhh... luv, shhhh... Don't worry yourself about it. Spike's here and I'll take care of everything. Don't you get yourself in a tizzy over that mean old nasty Watcher. Chip or no bloody chip, I won't let that tosser hurt you or our child! The Slayer neither!"
Xander shook his head and reached up to shake Spike's shoulder.
"No! I mean, what if it's true?! What if Anya really did make me preg... preg... pregnant?! And if she did, what the hell is the child going to be?!?!"
Xander's own frightened eyes looked up into big blue adoring ones marred only by slight confusion and mild worry.
"Why, we simply go on with our lives... or unlife as the case may be. We live and love, pet. It doesn't matter if the baby turns out to be human or vampire or w'amphrii, we just love it anyway the best we know how."
Xander just lay there, silently soaking up as much of Spike's easy going acceptance as he could. He suddenly found that he needed his lover's silent strength and ability to push on in the face of overwhelming trauma and bizarreness. He basked in the love and attention and caring and absolutely refused to ask what in the world a "w'amphrii" was...
"Um... Spike? I, uh... still have to go pee."
His bleached blonde lover looked down at him and smiled. Then the smile faded into a look of worry.
"What with you humans being so fragile and all, maybe you shouldn't be up and walking about just yet... Oh! I know, I'll bring you an empty jar!"
With that, Spike leapt up off of the bed and dashed out of the room. Xander struggled to free himself from the restraining blankets even as he heard Spike muttering and swearing while he banged around in the kitchen. With a sigh of resignation, Xander figured that he'd have to have a long talk to Spike about how not frail and weak he was.
A wave of dizziness washed over him then and he leaned back against the mountain of pillows. Later. He'd talk to the blonde psychotic about his paranoid tendencies later.
Little Blue Plus Sign
Spike is still overprotective. Willow comes for a visit but she has ulterior motives...
The ringing of the phone grabbed Xander's attention from his anime marathon and in reflex he began to push himself up so he could answer it. A low warning growl from Spike stopped him with his butt hovering a full three inches up off of the couch cushion and a blur of black denim, red silk and platinum blonde hair rushing towards the kitchen caused him to sit back down.
The ringing stopped only to be replaced by the throaty half snarl of Spike's normal telephone greeting.
"Who the bloody hell is this?"
Xander rolled his eyes and tried to valiantly tune out the one sided conversation that he could hear. It was easier on his nerves that way. However, as much as it pained him to consider what nastiness his lover might be inflicting on some poor unsuspecting caller, at least he wasn't the focus of the blonde vampire's attention at the moment.
And for that, Xander would gladly sacrifice the delicate sensibilities of telemarketers and bill collectors everywhere.
Closing his eyes, Xander pondered his newest favorite, or least favorite subject. It depended on the mood of his lover and the various things the vampire was subjecting him to at the time. Spike was... different now. At least in how he acted to and around Xander. With everyone else he was pretty much his normal not-so-charming self.
But Anya's curse had changed him. She had told Xander and Spike that the vampire's only concern would be Xander's happiness, and in a way, it was. However, as a Master Vampire and soulless demon, Spike's idea of mortal happiness was... skewed.
For one, Spike was convinced that Xander could not possibly be happy if he was hurt, injured or in any sort of danger at all. This perception was mostly true, but Spike took it to insane extremes. Xander figured that it was all of those decades of torturing humans that put that belief into the blonde's head. After all, Xander didn't think that Spike had too many victims that said 'Oh thank you Mr. Pointy Teeth! Please rip my other arm off! It was such a lovely experience!', so... Now Xander was being... coddled.
What's more, Spike tended to see humans, all humans and not just Xander, as very easily breakable. Compared to vampires they were, Xander was the first to admit that, but once again Spike was taking it to extremes. The vampire had never really cared about a human being before, so he was a bit ignorant on what could actually go physically wrong with one, but his concern and devotion to Xander was slowly changing all that.
Now, Spike was doing research about all sorts of "human" things. And his "research" was doing little more than freaking him out and making Xander's life a pain. He was seriously considering banning the vampire from watching any more episodes of "ER" or "Chicago Hope" and that damned medical program on the "Discovery Channel" as well. And maybe the evening news. After all, Xander seriously doubted that he was really going to catch a case of the Hoof and Mouth disease that was spreading through the herds in England. Even if Spike was convinced he would.
Although, he had to admit that Spike's idea about wearing a kevlar vest while on patrol, if Spike ever let him patrol again, was actually a good one.
Suddenly, Xander realized that Spike was still in the kitchen and on the phone. He also realized that he couldn't hear the vampire snarling and being a general ass to whomever was on the other end. That was actually a bit frightening. After all, there was a very small list of people that Spike wouldn't growl at the top of his lungs at and Xander wasn't sure he wanted any of them to come over.
Xander was almost tempted to go find out what was going on, but then he remembered the last conversation he'd listened in on and blushed all over again. He'd come out of the bathroom to find Spike talking to his boss from work over the phone. Spike had proceeded to tell Barney that Xander wouldn't be in for a day or so because he'd gotten caught cheating on his "demon lady" and that the confrontation had been "uglier than a pitbull with rabies" and did Barney know how to get "bloody scorch marks" out of the carpeting.
Xander had a feeling that he was going to end up as a legend at work since the guys there were sluts for "top this" type of stories. It didn't help to know that if he actually told them the truth that he'd beat them all out for sheer weirdness.
Xander was pulled out of his woolgathering when Spike sauntered back into the living room and flopped down on the couch next to him. There was a brief tussle for the remote before Spike managed to claim it and then Xander's anime marathon was switched over to the movie channel. It was showing The Terminator which Xander knew was one of the films that his lover enjoyed. It had a high body count.
Looking over, Xander eyed up his relaxed and lounging "better half" and sighed. He would be the first to admit that Spike was easy on the eyes, hell, the guy was the epitome of male beauty, but he was still one of the most frustrating and annoying creatures that ever walked the earth. Even when he wasn't trying to be.
"So... you gonna tell me who was calling on the phone or do I get to guess?"
Spike turned to look at him, the expression of fierce bloodthirsty enjoyment over the movie instantly morphing into helpless adoration and love.
"Oh, right. Red called. Said to tell you that she'll be over in a bit, just has to collect a few things from the store. Babbled something about a test or some such rot. Hard to tell really. She really needs to learn how to speak at a normal rate of speed. S'not natural what she does to the language and I'm bloody surprised she doesn't asphyxiate herself half the time."
Xander blinked. Then, using his years of experience at translating Willow-babble and his months of experience at translating Spike-sarcasm, he latched onto the most important part of what he was hearing.
Spike nodded and grinned at him.
"Yeah. Test. To see if Anya's curse worked and you really are pregnant."
With an unconcerned smile, Spike turned back to his movie and wrapped an arm around Xander and pulled him in close to his side. Wordlessly, Xander allowed the snuggling, it helped to distract him from the sudden urge to panic.
"Oh. And Red also said for you not to go pee before she gets here. She wants to collect your urine or something like that. Sounds a bit kinky if you ask me. I didn't know she was into that kind of thing, but still, could be fun... as long as she realizes that you're mine and that she's not allowed to actually touch and all..."
Suddenly, the snuggling wasn't enough of a distraction. Xander was officially feeling panicky.
It wasn't even a half an hour later when Willow arrived laden down with several plastic bags from the pharmacy. When Spike opened the door for her, she breezed in on an almost visible wave of cheerful perkiness. Her excited and happy smile helped to calm his nerves a bit, but he was still a little shook up over what was about to happen.
He was suddenly engulfed in a warm vanilla scented hug. Relief that his best friend was still his best friend in spite of the current craziness washed over him and he hugged back tightly. After a long minute, a low rumbling growl echoed through the room and Xander felt Spike's cool hands gently unwrapping their arms from around each other.
"Enough of the sticky-gooey hellos now. S'my Xander you're squishing."
Xander rolled his eyes at the possessive display, but he let go of Willow and stepped back until he was leaning against Spike's chest. Flashing a wrinkly nosed grin at Willow, he clapped his hands together and bounced on the balls of his feet once. Twice.
"So... What's up? With the gang, I mean. The Buffster still stake happy and chanting for Spike's blood?"
Willow's grin dimmed a little and her eyes grew serious and a touch harsh. Her green eyes sparkled with just a hint of her own inner power.
"No. Actually, she's over her shock. That's what most of that... whole... angry pacing threatening... thing was. Now she's focused on the cause of this whole... mess. Anya, I mean. Buffy's pretty much wanting to disassemble her for hurting you."
Xander felt a frown forming on his face even as a wash of sadness rolled through him. It still hurt to even think about Anya let alone talk about her. Then another thought hit him.
"But... wasn't she, you know, jealous? Of Spike and me, I mean. After all, Spike did sort of have a, um... thing for her."
Spike snorted in disgust against his neck and Willow flashed a sheepish little grin and shrugged.
"Um. Not really. She never really liked Spike to begin with and I think that his chasing her was more of an... ego boost for her. I mean, Riley left and her Mom...."
Xander and Willow exchanged a pain filled glance and then Willow rushed on past the still lingering grief as quickly as she could.
"...and everything was just pressing down on her and I think that it just... helped her to feel, I don't know... desired. You know?"
Xander nodded. He did know.
The moment stretched awkwardly for a moment and then Willow snapped out of it with a little cry of excitement and a perky bounce. Turning around, she reached out and grabbed at one of the white plastic bags. Moving over to Xander's coffee table, she up ended the bag, dumping the contents across it.
Xander watched with an odd mixture of mild fear and utter fascination as Willow's personal diary/spellbook tumbled out alongside of various ziplock baggies filled with herbs and spices, a clear plastic cup with lid and a previously opened and then resealed over-the-counter pregnancy test kit. A shiver raced down his spine at the sight of the white and yellow paper box sitting in with a bunch of Willow's magicy stuff. Spike wrapped his inhumanly strong arms around Xander's waist and he clutched at them, using them as an emotional support more than a physical one.
"Um... Wills? What's all that... uh, stuff?"
Willow's blinding smile turned slightly sympathetic at the tremor in his voice and she visibly tried to contain her excitement. Xander appreciated the effort, but he knew that she was enjoying this. He just couldn't understand why.
"Oh, well. I enchanted the pregnancy test kit. See, Tara and I were talking with Giles and he said..."
Xander's fingers dug a little deeper into Spike's arms as he watched Willow try to find a way to actually say what she needed to without upsetting him further. It didn't help. He knew Willow too well.
"What did the G-man say Wills? I need to know."
Willow nodded once and then rushed on.
"Well... he still seems to think that the child, if there's a child, might not be fully human. Which makes sense in a way. See, Anya could have made it all human, like you. Or Giles thinks she might have made it a Vengeance Demon... like her. Sort of a child for her to, ya know... have you raise. The third option, which I think is most likely, is that her curse somehow combined both you and Spike to make the child. If that's the case, Giles said it would be a w'amphrii. So... that's why I had to enchant the pregnancy test. It'll now work, even if the baby isn't human. See?"
Xander nodded his head even though he didn't see. This whole situation felt unreal to him, almost like a dream or a hallucination. After all, Spike was the Big Bad! He didn't go around quoting accident rates and medical statistics as a means of persuading people to take better care of themselves. And men could not be pregnant. It was physically impossible. Couldn't happen. Shouldn't happen. Even on the Hellmouth.
But here he was, leaning against the undead chest of his own personal doom-sayer who had spent the last 24 hours trying to turn him into a hypochondriac. And here he was, watching as his best friend set up a store-bought and magically enhanced home pregnancy test. For him.
With a slight shudder of revulsion, he watched his own hand reach out to take the sterile plastic cup with lid from Willow's hand when she gave it to him. Stifling both the urge to giggle insanely and cry hysterically, he turned to walk towards the bathroom with Willow's instructions to wash his hands and then "fill it on up" before coming back out. He could vaguely hear Spike quizzing Willow on whether or not this would harm him as he shut the bathroom door.
Unzipping his jeans, Xander tried very hard not to actually think about why he was doing what he was doing. It was difficult enough to pee on command, he didn't need the extra pressure of an imminent mental breakdown on top of it.
So, with as much aloofness and clinical detachment as he could muster, Xander gently pulled his penis out of his pants and concentrated on his aim. He honestly didn't think he could handle it if he missed the cup and had to try again later.
Five minutes later, the cup was full, his jeans were adjusted and he had run out of ways to stall and delay the inevitable. With a forlorn little sigh, he picked up his cup of still warm yellowy yuckness and left the bathroom. Only to find both Spike and Willow staring intently at him, one with anticipation and excitement in her green eyes and one with worry and adoration in his blue ones.
"'Bout time pet. Thought you might have figured out a way to flush yourself down the loo."
And somehow that little bit of absurdity made him feel better. It was nice to know that even in the midst of the ultimate strangeness, that some things never changed. Willow was still the wonderful and supportive best friend she'd always been and Spike still had a knack for saying the most outrageous things. He grinned.
"Naw... Considered trying for a moment, but I figured that Wills would just magic me back and that would be one plumbing disaster I'd want to miss."
Trying for casual, but knowing he missed the mark by a mile, Xander walked over and carefully placed the full cup on the coffee table. Then, his courage failing him, he headed straight for his lover and curled up on the blonde's lap. Strong arms wrapped around him and pulled him closer.
Together they watched as Willow took out what looked to be a small eyedropper and used it to collect a few millimeters of his urine. Then, she held it up over a small plastic wand and carefully dripped exactly three drops into the little built in well. Placing the empty dropper onto the cup's lid, she leaned back and began to chant softly while drawing an invisible symbol in the air over the plastic wand. There was a sudden soft flash of pale green light and a brief gust of warm air that swirled through the room. Then Willow leaned forward to look at the wand. And squealed happily.
"It's a little blue plus sign!"
Xander blinked in confusion and turned to look at Spike. His lover looked just as stymied as he felt. They shrugged at each other in unison and then turned to look at the madly grinning witch.
"Um... what exactly does a little blue plus sign mean Wills?"
She looked up at them with a Megawatt smile.
"It means that I'm going to be an Aunt! Congratulations Xander! You're going to be a mommy!"
For the second time in as many days, Xander fainted in his lover's arms.
Spike gives Xander an opening for "curing" the vampire of his panicky overprotectiveness and the pregnant man decides to run with it while he can...
Once again, Xander found himself slowly coming to awareness after having fainted. Laying flat on his back with his eyes still closed, he frowned and pondered that little fact. He normally wasn't so... well, girly was the only word he could think of even if he knew that wasn't very accurate. Some of the toughest and roughest people (and non-people) he knew were, in actuality, female. So...while that wasn't the correct word he was looking for...it was the only one that came to mind.
It was then, as he was musing on the state of his masculinity verses his inner coward, that Xander realized that he was laying on his back. And he was fairly comfy at that. Frowning deeper, he lightly flipped through his memories.
Okay...there was Willow. And a cup. Xander definately remembered an evil cup.
Then there was pee and magic and a loud Willow-squeal.
Xander suddenly felt ill. Panicky and trembly and more than a little freaked out.
Willow had said he was... preg... preg... Pregnant.
And then... darkness.
Now he was suddenly waking up on what seemed to be the couch.
With a sigh, Xander peeled open his eyes and turned his head. Yep. The couch. He was in his own living room, on the couch, the TV was turned off and his blonde "husband" was... Where was the bleached one anyway?
A loud bang echoed out of the kitchen and Xander jumped. Feeling just a tad dizzy, he pulled the blanket off of him and pushed himself into a more or less seated position. However, before he could actually get off the couch itself, Spike had popped into the living room and hurried over to him.
"Wha... um, what's going on? And... uh... where's Willow?"
"Shhh... pet. S'all right. Don't you fret."
The blonde vampire sat down on the couch and gently pulled Xander up onto his lap. Feeling like a bit of a wuss and not really wanting to admit that he needed to be comforted at the moment, Xander just stayed quiet and cuddled against his husband's cool chest.
It didn't take them very long to shift into a comfortable position. Spike's arms went around him, one long fingered hand rubbed soothing circles on his lower back with the other one carding gently through his hair. A deep rumble vibrated the marblesque flesh he leaned against and he couldn't stop himself from turning his head and burying his face in the crook of Spike's neck and shoulder.
"I'm pregnant Spike. Willow said that I'm pregnant."
"Shhh... I know luv. I know."
Xander felt his body tremble a bit harder as if hearing his own voice speak those words suddenly made it more true.
"I'm pregnant Spike. But I'm a guy... and guy's aren't supposed to be pregnant."
The rumbling vibrations in Spike's chest grew louder and stronger. Vaguely, in the back of his mind, Xander was aware that Spike was trying to soothe him in a manner that was purely vampiric in nature... and even though it should have sent him running for the hills screaming... it did make him feel better. Not alone.
For some reason, that was what finally hit him the hardest. That even though it was due to Anya's curse, Spike was still there for him. Would be there for him. Would stand by and support him and help him no matter how this craziness turned out. And, if Anya had been telling the truth, which everything so far indicated that she did, Spike would continue to stand by his side until he died. Forever, she had said. With that thought echoing back and forth in side his head, Xander began to cry.
Softly, quietly, with only a few slight hitches in his breathing, Xander let his tears drip down his face and onto the cool skin of Spike's throat.
Xander wasn't sure how long that he sat there on his husband's lap, surrounded and supported by his husband's arms, but he had cried himself out and then slowly returned to calm. Little by little, his breathing had steadied and his heart rate had slowed. His emotions didn't seem so raw and exposed. The razor edge of pain, confusion and panic had been dulled down. Blunted by his tears.
However, as cathartic as his mini-breakdown had been, he now had swollen, sore and red eyes. His nose felt stuffy and was probably just as red as eyes.
Carefully, and with lots of soft gentle touches and petting to say 'thank you', Xander extracted himself from Spike. Standing on somewhat wobbly legs, he turned and walked off to the bathroom. Once inside, he paused a moment to grimace at his reflection in the mirror, then he turned on the sink's faucet. Splashing a bit of cool water onto his face made him feel more awake and clear headed. It was also soothing to his eyes and washed the tear tracks from his cheeks.
"Pet? Xander luv? You okay in there?"
With a wry grin, Xander turned off the water and reached for the forest green hand towel that hung from the hoop on the wall.
"Yeah. I'm fine. Just... just washing my face Spike. I'll be right out."
"Oh... all right then. I'll just... go and get you a glass of juice. Willow said that you should take your vitamins with juice."
Xander finished drying his face and was in the process of hanging the small towel back up when the actual words the blonde vampire had spoken through the door finally registered with his brain.
Totally confused now, Xander quickly finished up in the bathroom and hurried back out. He found his lover in the kitchen fussing around with what appeared to be one of the bags Willow had brought over earlier. Walking over to the counter, Xander saw that Spike had indeed poured him a glass of orange juice, and was now in the process of peeling the saftey-seal off of a half dozen little white plastic bottles.
"Um...? Spike? Not to sound like an idiot or anything like that, but what in the hell are you doing... and where did you get..."
Xander reached out and randomly selected a white bottle. He turned it so that he could read the label.
"...um, iron supplimental pills? More importantly... why do you have iron supplements?"
Spike stopped what he was doing and waved a hand in a gesture meant to take in the entire scene; juice, vitamins, supplements and all.
"This isn't for me, is it? No. It's for my little knocked up sex-toy, innit?"
When Xander didn't even so much as crack a grin, Spike sighed and his shoulders slumped slightly even as he went back to opening up the bottles. Neatly, he arranged an assortment of pills, one from each bottle, on the countertop.
"Look mate. Willow said that you should take these. They'll..., how did she put it?... help take some of the burden off of your body that pregnancy puts there. She said that she'd been doing some research about it and this is what she said for me to have you do."
Xander's jaw dropped open. He wasn't sure how to react to that little bit of news. He'd been so busy trying not to think about his situation that it was a bit of a shock to him that other's were. However, Xander didn't get a chance to make a comment, since Spike's expression shifted to one of thoughtful contemplation.
"Our Red is one smart chit. Gotta give her that. I told her about the Hoof and Mouth disease thing, but Willow said that she was positive that you wouldn't catch that and then she said that she'd pick up some good books for me on human heath and stuff. She also said that as she did more research she'd tell us what she finds and if we have any questions or need advice or anything just to give her a call."
Xander just stood there with a stupid expression on his face, staring at the blonde demon in shock as he collected up the vitamins in one hand and the glass of juice in the other and turned to hold them out to Xander.
Not being able to formulate any coherent thoughts that even came close to resembling real sentences, Xander grabbed the pills and popped them into his mouth. Taking the juice, he used it to swallow them all down. All the while though, his mind was racing, thoughts and images swirling in his head.
He was on the verge of admonishing Spike not to bother Willow about vitamins and health care and whatever other weirdness the vampire came up with in that undead brain of his when he had another idea pop into the cavern he called a mind. If Spike used Willow as his reference guide into all things human, at least medically wise, then he could always refuse to listen to Spike's paranoid ravings over Xander becoming a victim of whatever nastiness just happened to be exploited on this weeks episode of "ER" by demanding that the vampire ask the witch about it... who Spike admitted was brilliant... instead of simply believing some hokey TV show that was aimed at ratings above reality.
Quickly swallowing down his vitamin laden juice, Xander grinned and nodded enthusiastically at his blonde husband.
"Yes! Yes... um... we should most definately ask Willow questions... and um, advice... because... uh, you know... she's smart and... uh... like you said and all. Besides, no TV doctor is... er... ever gonna have to deal with... um... someone like... uh, me. Right?"
Spike graced him with an expression that was equal parts confused and equal parts certain of Xander's lunacy.
"Eh... sure mate. Whatever you say."
Xander could feel a blush start to heat up his cheeks for a moment and he was on the verge of stuttering out an addendum to his explanation, which would have made him seem even more unstable, he was sure, when Spike shook his head as if he were remembering something.
"Oh! Red also said that you've got to start eating better. After you passed out, she came in here to put away the vitamins and while here, she took a peek in the fridge and the freezer. Said a dirty word too, didn't she?"
Spike grinned wickedly.
"Never heard the witch curse before. She's surprisingly good at it, and she blushes lovely afterwards too."
Xander had a flash of memory and in his mind's eye, he watched as a seven year old Willow called Jesse a "poopyhead" and then slapped her own hand over her mouth in utter shock that those words had come out of her mouth. He grinned widely at Spike and wondered if he should share that memory with his husband. Then... he figured he'd hold it in reserve in case Willow went overboard with this "take care of Xander's health thing". Then... armed with this new knowledge of Willow's past, Xander would turn Spike loose on her. The teasing would undoubtedly last for days.
"Any way... Willow said that we had to throw out all of the greasy frozen food crap... Oh! and the twinkies and ding-dongs too. No more greasy, fattening, high sugar content foods for you. Nope... just lots of veggies, fresh fruits, pasta and low fat skinless baked chicken from now on Mister."
Xander felt his face go pale as the horrifying implements of that statement sank into his all ready overtaxed mind.
No burritos? Fried onions? Chili dogs?
He whimpered. It was bad enough that Willow thought he should eat better. After all, he could promise to try and then charm his way out of a lecture... usually. But she had gone and done the absolute worse thing she could do. She'd told the paranoid-about-Xander's-health vampire. Spike! The insane undead person that lived with him and was practically glued to his side and who would never ever ever let him do anything that was even remotely considered unhealthy without a major fight... and possibly stakeage! There was no way he could get around Spike!
Willow was so dead for this.
"So, anyway. Red took all of the unhealthy food you had in the fridge and the freezer and went off to get that Tara chit to help her go shopping for real food. Willow said they'd stop by later to drop it off.
Well, that decided it. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Nope... he's not here anymore.
Grinning maliciously, Xander slung an arm around Spike's shoulders and slowly led him out of the kitchen and back into the living room.
"So... Spike. Did I ever tell you about when Willow and I were seven years old and she said a naughty thing for the very first time?"
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