Disclaimer: A full disclaimer can be found here, but please be assured that none of this is mine.

Rating: Mild R

Pairing: Spike/Xander

Author’s Notes: Written for the [info]maleslashminis Xander challenge. [info]electricalgwen's challenge can be found at the end of the fic. All my love to [info]darkhavens who not only betaed, but inspired.

Summary: Two men and a sexual spell. Right…

Stingy Jack

Randy Sex Kitten

“Spike?” Xander’s voice wavered and broke. “Spike?”

Spike turned very slowly, his hands in clear sight. “Quiet, pet. Just… don’t move.”

Xander drew in a shaky breath before rattling the chains holding him to the bed. “No moving. Got it.” A long pause, then, “Spike? What is it?”

Spike began meandering toward Xander, his feet bare and silent, his steps sure. “Well, it looks an awful lot like a giant pumpkin, doesn’t it, love?”


Congratulations and Welcome! You are now the proud owner of one of the greatest inventions in history! The Society for Primary University for Naughty Knowledge (SPUNK) guarantees that each charm is designed to insure that your satisfaction is absolute!


“Spike!” and “Shhhh!” exploded through the room.

“Sorry! Shit!” Xander whispered. “I shouldn’t have said that!” He took a breath before continuing. “I can see that it’s a giant pumpkin, Spike. It looks an awful lot like the giant pumpkin that we just spent the last three days carving into a perfect rendition of Sid Vicious. I can also see that it is getting closer and appears to be angry, if the rabid looking orange goop coming out of its mouth is anything to go by.”

Suddenly, the pumpkin roared, or tried to; great clumps of seeds and guts fell in chunks from every orifice. The pumpkin scrambled on its vines, scooping at its missing innards.

Spike gagged, stopping in his tracks. “Oh now, that’s just disgusting.”


You have successfully found yourself into the caring arms of the finest collector of specialized charms on the market. We (SPUNK) insure quality through a uniform and independent measure of your household consumption and contentment. We want you to be completely happy with our risk-free products!


“Spike! Focus!” Xander’s eyes tracked the gourd closely. “Get me out of here!”

He shuddered at the slurping sounds coming from the floor; his entire body transmitting the slight tremor. The movement of a particular area caught Spike’s eye and he straightened, his posture shifting from purposeful to seductive.

Xander noticed the change immediately and groaned. “Not now, Spike. Please, you can ogle me later, just get me downieeeee!” Xander jerked his legs back, causing the chains around his ankles to become taut. A single twining pumpkin stem crawled swiftly across the bed. “Spikespikespikespikespike…”


Simply speak the enclosed incantation and you will find yourself entrenched in the experience of a lifetime. As stated above, our charms are risk free and your satisfaction is completely guaranteed.


The scent of fear killed the arousal in Spike and he huffed. “Fine, then.” Three giant strides, a wrenching twist and the pumpkin lay still. Spike poked at the sticky carcass for a moment before lifting a slender chain to Xander’s line of sight.


**Before speaking the incantation, insure that all vegetable-type material (specifically broccoli, cantaloupe, chicory, cucumber, pumpkin, squash, watermelon, jicama, gourds, mints, pigeon peas and Japanese eggplant) have been removed from within 200 yards of the spell area.


“Mayhaps we should actually read the instructions when experimenting with sexual charms…” A snick announced Spike’s Zippo sparking to light his fag.

Xander squinted at the fine print along the bottom of the chain. “Spike? What’s a jicama?”

The End

**To learn more about the questionable title of this fic, go read about the history of jack-o-lanterns.

The Challenge:

Your name: Gwen
Your email: electricgwen at hotmail dot com
Male character (one) you want paired with Xander: Spike
Up to three things you want in your fic: Problems with a mystical artifact, "I shouldn't have said that"
Up to two things you don't want: Character death
Preferred maximum rating: NC-17

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