I am so, very sorry. This is what happens when you've been sick and you're horribly bored and you read a pile of awful spander. It was funny in my head -sorry if it isn't very funny on your screen:)

Spander 4eva

Nasty Shrew

Part One

“There you ‘ar’, whelp, woz waitin’ for yez. Bolecks, pouf,” Spike said in an angry/sexy voice, tugging sexily at his ropes which were scratching his wrists and leaving sexy red welts that turned him on because he was a vampire. Evil, secksy vampire.

Xander looked up, rubbing the bruises that were all over his bruised and beaten body after his mom had bruised him with an empty vodka bottle. Again. Because she was an alcoholic and was really, really mean. She then shattered the bottle into pieces on his head and verbally abused him for ages until his father came in the room and beat him up some more because he was a drunk and way meaner than Xander’s mom. Luckily, even in their drunken drunky-ness, they managed to never leave a bruise that any of Xander’s friends could see. Ever. Never ever, as in never. So, nobody suspected the chocolaty eyed nummy treat was sad deep inside. He made jokes to cover up his hidden pain – like a clown. A sad, sad clown. With bruises that weren’t nearly as secksy as Spike’s.

“Leave me alone, Spike,” Xander said in a hurty voice, but not in a flouncy drama queen way. In a hot, vulnerable kind of way.

“Git, sod, bloomin’ ‘eck! Are ‘ou all right nummy treat?” Spike asked in a concerned, sweet way. That was sort of sexy.

“Don’t tell anyone my parents beat me, okay? I don’t want them to see my sekrit sekrit pain,” Xander said desperately, running to Spiek and looking at him with worried, shiny tears rolling out of puppy eyes.

“Buger, git, sod. What’ll ‘ou do for me Xanpet?” Spike said, waggling his eyebrows and pouting his lips like that sexy guy on the cover of GQ magazine in the July edition. Except, sexier.

“I’ll do anything, Spike! Even though I could easily stake you right now seeing as you are totally harmless and I have had a deep-seeded hate for all vampires since my best friend was murdered by one … I’ll do anything!” he said, dropping to his knees and wincing because his knees were bruised after the whipping his dad gave him. He started to cry a little, not big sobby girly tears but quiet roll-down-cheeks tears that dripped onto Spike’s sexy knee.

“Okay I wan’ ‘ou to bloomin’ tell me if ‘ou fancy me!” Spike said with a grin that was sort of sensitive only not because he was still really a bad ass bad boy with a sexy bad ass thing going for hi. Only, he was sort of sensitive too. In a bad ass way. Like Wesley after his throat got all slicey, but Spike would never do it with Lilah because she’s a bitch and was sooo mean to Lindsey who’s such a hottie.

So, yeah, bad ass sensitive.

Xander was totally scared and he looked up really fast and hurt his neck a little [A/N don’t you hate that when it happens? It really sucks] but he was way to scared to notice. He went really red and his ears did too which made him redder because he had sticky out ears that were actually kind of cut but he had way low self esteem and didn’t know that. Also, really bad fashion sense and people with no fashion sense are always trying to hide their pain.

“I’m not gay!” Xander said weakly, because he only messed around with guys once or twice in his sexual confusion (Larry, Oz, Devon, bartender Willy and that one time with Angel, who btw, he really hated because Angel was deadboy and everybody hates deadboy). He had only been dating Anya because she offered him a lot of sex but he was really attracted to Spike and his manly compact physique and his witty sayings and other shit like that [A/N I just cant b bothered 2 list all the reasons why SPIKE IS THE HOTTEST GUY EVA! I LUV U JAMS!] and also, Spike was really sexy.

“Bolecks! Your lyin’ teH me Xanpet. I can see it in yr eyes [A/N two eyes ppl, because this is set way b4 that evil biznatch Caleb],” Spike said, nudging Xander’d head in a really sweet/sexy way with his tied up hands.

“I am Spike [A/N he isn’t Spike … just so you know]… I think your sinister attraction attracted me and I’m so ashamed in case Buffy finds out even though she and Giles openly accepted the fact that Willow is a total lezzer!” Xander moaned, leaning his head really near Spike’s crotch in a totally non intentional gay way.

“I knew it. ‘Cos see Xanpet, I is totally in love wit’ ‘ou ‘cos I is a right wanker pouf bugger too and luv’s bitch aswell. Even tho’ I pretend t’ ‘ate yr guts ‘cos you is a right wanker a lot I really luv you baby!” Spike said, sighing in a happy way when Xander kissed him [A/N OMG SQUEE! BOY ON BOY HOT ACTION GIRLIES!] and untied his ropes. “Bloomin’,” Spike said in a sexy way. Because he was English, and English people say shit like that all the time.

Then Xander grabbed Spike but not too hard because his bruises were still really achy and he kissed Spike some more, with tongue and everything. Then they moved to the bed and *censored! Sorry! BUT I’M WAAY 2 YOUNG 2 THINK BOUT SEX! I’M ONLY 34!*.

“Will you love me forever Spike?” Xander asked after they had done it loads of times and they had taken a shower because they were really sticky after it[A/N u know what they were sticky with *giggle*]. He felt all vulnerable and his eyes were open wide so Spike could see into his soul. Deep, deep into his sad sad clown soul.

“Forever, Xanpet. You ‘an me forever,” Spike said, his hair all messed up and wet as he stood there naked [A/N SQUEE! NAKED SPIKE IS TEH HOT! JAMS IS SO GORGUS!].

Buffy then walked in and saw them and she said “OMG! This is soo gross! Xander! Like, I fuckin’ hate you! And Spike! I keeeel you now!” then she took a stake out of her purse and ran towards him in his naked hotness, with her stake raised to kill him because she is a total biznatch who wanted to get in the way of the love of our boys. Then her fugly Gucci shoe heel broke [A/N Gucci suck, I like Jimmy Choos better! Yay! Jimmy Choo Choo shoes! U know what I’m talking bout!] and she tripped and fell on her head and died.

Xander was really sad but he loved Spike, a sexy soulless demon more than one of his best friends and protectors so he wasn’t sad after he and Spike had some more naughty touching later because they were so in lurve and wanted to have each other’s babies … but that’s another story!

Part Two

“I love you,” Xander whispered, his eyes all shiny and big but he wasn’t crying, he just really wanted to, a lot. A lot like tons.

“I luv ‘ou two Xanpet! Shite, bolecks,” Spike exclaimed softly in a sexy purr like a big skinny kitty, as he petted their new cute black and white cat called Bobby [A/N shoutout to Bobby my bf! Luv ya boo! Also, check out the new thesaurous! I got it 4 christmas and it’s sooo cool! Expect loads of wicked long words! Wooooot!].

“I need to tell you something,” Xander whispered but not in a scared way in a sort of exuberant rapturous way [A/N that means ‘happy’ 4 all u guys who don’t have a thesaurous liek me], looking into Spike’s cerulean, glittery orbs.

“Wot like gettin’ hitched an’ all that rott?” Spike enquired, petting Bobby some more. Bobby didn’t like it because he didn’t like getting petted by a guy, even if it was a really hot guy because Bobby was a straight cat that was not a homophobe but not gay either [A/N hands off Jaimy! Bobby is mine! teehee], so he jumped off Spike’s lap and ran. Spike’s azure globes shimmered with tears [A/N globes as in eyes ppl, get yr minds outta the gutter!] because he was hurt the kitty ran away and felt all sensitive recently and was throwing up in the mornings and loads of other stuff pregnant ladies do. He was cranky as well, but cranky in a cute and secksy way.

“No, like deep stuff. Way deeper, as deep as the sea of my love,” Xander said embarresdly, looking away to the distance (the opposite wall of the basement) and biting his nails a lot which is what people do when they’re nervuss. Because Xander was. Totally fretful and disquieted and on tenterhooks. Which means nervuss.

“Bollecks pouf! Wot’s as deep as ‘at my Xanpet beau’y?” Spike asked, tiliting his head all sexy style but he was so not paying attention to Xander’s stares. His deep, intense stares that were deeply intense. And passionate to. Really, really passionate liek he wanted to do Xander up the ass in a gay way all over again.

“I talked to Willow about you getting sick in the morning and other pregnant lady stuff and she did a scan on you with magicks and say that you’d been spelled with the Gayus Maleus Pregentus spell,” Xander said solemnly, austerely … intensely [A/N check out me thesurus!!!!!!!!!]. Spike’s sexy cobalt balls blinked back tears and he looked scared like a scared little cute thing like a bush baby or a but not like an ugly shrew [A/N I h8 shrew, see my authors note at the end!].

“’Ow? [A/N he’s saying ‘how’ but in a british voice – u british ppl are sooo silly wit yr accents!]” Spike whispered in a shocked, taken aback , knocked for six but still totally hot way.

“We dunno yet … but your defintly pregnant with my baby,” Xander said, stroking Spike’s tummy which was all pale and flat because Spike has the most lickable washboard abs ever. Ever ever.

“Bu’ bu’ … I is a bloke! An’ a vampire! An’ dead! An’ Bri’ish! Bolecks, shit, buger, git, dozy bint, argy bargy, bloomin’! And 'cor! 'COR!” Spike said intensely [A/N the cor is 4 [info]fanbot!! Woot 4 british Jams!!]. Then he cried in a manly, sexy way that meant he was all scared and hormoney because he was nervuss like Xander was earlier in the story, only way more nervous than that. Super nervuss, like panicky.

“It’s a spell that gives you an acid-protected womb in your stomach, but it won’t hurt you or anything. The baby will come out of your a-hole [A/N ewww!],” Xander told him in a distressed but also comforting way, his sad clown brown/auburn eyes glinting glintily.

“’Kay’” Spike said later, after he was not so sexily hurt and shocked and things and after they had really tenda loving sex [A/N no I won’t tell you about it! Quit buggin’ me! I’m toooo young! I only turned 35 yesterday!]. Then he kissed Xander avidly, fervently, zealously … intensely.

“I luv ‘ou Xanpet, I wanna have a little ickle bit!” he said, teary again but happy teary not sad teary.

“Oh Spike, when you were reading me Victorian/Tudor/Edwardian poetry [A/N its all the same and I cudnt b bothered 2 check where Spike cums from cuz I’m lazy] in the shade of the oak tree in the pale shimmery moonlight … I knew we would be together forever, no matter what,” Xander sighed happily, honestly … intensely.

Nine months later a little baby girl was born and they didn’t call her Buffy because Buffy was dead and a total biznatch, so they called it Cordelia instead because Cordelia rocks [A/N and she would neva wear Gucci, only ever Jimmy Choo shoes! Choo choo Jimmy choo!]

The End

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