Who Wants to Live Forever
If it weren’t possibly the end of the world, Xander would have thought his life was perfect. He spent his time between his strenuously active, but satisfying job for the construction company; a rather gratifying occasional evening with Brandy and ‘the kids’ as he thought of them, and hanging out with Spike.
He liked construction. He was good at it, and Xander liked for once to be good at something. He enjoyed being with the kids, especially that Brown kid. He felt like he had something to offer him. And the kids gave him a kind of grudging respect that was heady elixir indeed to one of Sunnydale High’s graduate geeks.
But hanging out with Spike was the best. Because Xander had almost blown it, had almost lost again, he could not get enough of that buddy bonding stuff. At least that’s what he told himself. Because his craving to be around the vampire was, if anything, more powerful than it had been before that night. His awareness, physically and emotionally, of Spike had heightened so that every minute of every evening they spent together seemed to live in its own pool of light. Everything seemed more exciting, more beautiful, more fun.
But the dreams were getting much worse. More erotic. More intense. Sometimes violent. Xander walked around in a constant state of arousal. Despite his self-denigrating comments about his luck with women, Xander had simply had infrequent sexual encounters because he was a romantic. He liked to be emotionally involved. These days, though, he was beginning to acquire something of a reputation. His taste had become slightly less discriminating, and there were a few overly popular young ladies that he would never have touched before, who were now welcome in his bed any time they had the notion.
But still Xander had to clamp down on his wandering thoughts. As long as he didn’t let his mind go there, he could have the relationship he wanted with Spike. Everything as normal. The verbal sparring, the mock fights, shoving and kidding and everything. Xander just had to keep his mind in check and everything else just flowed along by instinct. He would ignore everything happening below his neck when he and Spike were out together, and then he’d take it home with one of the girls and work the kinks out of his system.
But the dreams kept getting more and more surreal. And scarier. In them, the demon face was there, and the fangs. He would be terrified and horribly turned on. And wake up coming, and screaming.
“Hey now, Xan, I see where you’re lookin’ and I’m thinkin’ you don’t wanna go there.”
“Why not, she’s not so bad.” Xander chalked his cue and looked from under his lashes at the girl sitting a few feet away. She smiled and wriggled and hitched her skirt up an inch. He grinned at her and leaned down to take his shot.
“She’s a walkin’ petrie dish, pet. Every dog in the doggie park has pissed on that tree.”
“God Spike, the mouth on you!” Xander took his shot. Missed. Stood and regarded the vampire. “You’re just jealous. Guess she’s only into warm flesh.”
“Ennithing’s warm enough for the likes of her, Xan. Just don’t care to share a bed with every wanker in town.” Spike stood from his shot and looked over Xander’s shoulder. Then he laughed. “And there’s one of them now,” he gestured, and Xander spun around to see the girl in question walking off with another guy.
“Damn Spike, you distracted me and look what happened.”
“Saved yer dick from some wastin’ disease I think.”
“You owe me a drink, bastard.”
“Yeah sure, whuts yer poison.”
“Something strong and mean, I think. Poor Xander’s goin’ home alone tonight.”
“Oh ah’ll walk yooo home Alexander,” Spike cooed in a saucy Southern drawl. “Wouldn’t want any nasties gettin’ a taste of such a nummy treat,” he growled. And laughed.
Xander spun around and shoved his pool stick into the rack. “Yeah right,” he said harshly, “so where’s my drink?”
In the end, Xander just emptied his wallet out on to the bar and nodded at the bartender. “Keep bringing bottles till the money runs out or you gotta ask us to leave,” he commanded, grinning.
“Oooh big spender,” Spike jibed, but he grabbed the bottle of whiskey and poured some into his glass. “Am I gonna be rolling you home again tonight, Xan?”
“Ha Spike, we’ll see who is rolling who by the end of this night.” Xander poured a glassful and tossed it back in one go. He plunked it down on the bar and gave Spike a challenging look. “One,” he counted.
“Three hundred and thirty sixty,” said Xander seriously.
“No, that’s thirty and hundred six,” corrected Xander after some thought. “’s your turn.”
“Don’ wanna,” said Spike petulantly. He lay his head down on the bar. Touching a finger to a puddle, he drew a happy face, “Hey. I think this bloke needs a drink.”
Xander giggled, “Sure he does.” He tipped his glass near Spike’s face and dribbled some whiskey onto the counter. “Here ya go fella. Oops, got some in your eye. Pretty eye,” he said dreamily.
“Alright, Harris, that’s it.” The bartender walked up and started wiping up the spill. “You start pouring out good liquor I know you’re stiff. Time to go.”
Xander straightened up, smiling. He grinned triumphantly at Spike. “We have been asked to leave.”
“Yeah?” Spike looked around as if wondering at the audacity.
“Yes, they have requested our … our…” Xander paused and thought hard. “They’re kicking us out.”
Spike sighed and pushed himself off from the bar. Caught his balance for a moment, then straightened and crooked his arm towards Xander. Xander laced his arm through Spike’s and used it to haul himself to his feet.
“Good evening.” Xander turned and waved bye-bye at the bartender, who waved a hand back. “Yeah right, Harris. See ya tomorrow.”
The two men managed a straight line to the back door without humiliating incident, and pushed through into the alley. The cold night air went to both their heads, and they paused for a moment to keep their balance.
Xander leaned against the brick wall and Spike collapsed next to him. Xander leaned into Spike’s shoulder, then worked his arm around to grasp the vampire across the back.
“God Spike, I am so drunk,” he explained carefully.
“Yes,” said Spike wisely.
“I am shit faced, off my ass, fucked up, drunk,” Xander elucidated.
“Yes,” agreed Spike.
“And I am so fucking horny!” Xander exclaimed and started laughing. He leaned on Spike’s shoulder laughing and snorting, “Ya know what I mean?”
Spike stilled a bit and wriggled uncomfortably. “Yeah. I know what ya mean,” he said slowly.
Xander shook his head back and forth, like a very patient man explaining something to a stupid person. “NO no nononono, Spike. You do not understand. I mean. I. Am. Dying. I mean. My dick is gonna. Explooooode.”
Spike blinked a few times, hard, and straightened a bit. “Xan, let’s go man.” He stood and tugged at the other man’s arm. “We gotta go now, Xan.”
“What’s the matter, Spike? Ya gotta take a piss?” Xander straightened and looked Spike in the face, blinking owlishly. “Ya gotta piss, Spike? ‘Cuz that’s okay, guy, you go ahead and I’ll just stand here an’ wait.”
“No.” Spike pulled away from Xander and stood upright. “C’mon, Xander, you’re drunk. I’m drunk. We gotta get outta here.”
“Why,” said Xander. “Why do we gotta go, buddy?” He stood and wrapped his arm around Spike’s shoulders again. “You ‘mbarrassed? I make you blush?” He leaned into Spike, giggling. “I make those pretty cheeks blush?” he whispered.
“What?” Xander stared at Spike and suddenly, horribly, tears came into his eyes. “What’d I do? Spike? What’d I do?”
“You’re mad at me,” whined Xander pathetically.
“No,” said Spike desperately.
But Xander started to cry. Leaning against the wall, bent over with his face buried in his hands, he started to sob. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry Spike. I’m a filthy rotten bastard and I’m so sorry.”
“Xander, you didn’t do anything,” Spike said. He could hear the misery in his own voice.
“Yeah, I’m an asshole.”
“A filthy, evil asshole.”
“I hurt you,” Xander whispered from inside his hands.
Xander looked up at him. His eyes huge and bruised and sick. “I hurt you,” he repeated in a stronger voice. “I love you, man, and I hurt you.”
“Xander.” Spike felt he couldn’t bear it. His eyes filled with tears and his throat closed off. “Stop it,” he tried to get out. But it just came out like a little breath of air.
“I love you, Spike.” Xander advanced on him and wrapped his arms around him. Spike found he couldn’t resist him. He was overwhelmed by his own need to hear these words. Xander began mouthing Spike’s hair, holding him tight and burying his lips in the surprisingly soft bleached locks. “I love you,” he whispered between kisses. “Love you. Loveyouloveyouloveyou.” Spike stood shaking. Tears streaming down his face. Xander’s hands slid down the vampire’s body and over his buttocks. He squeezed them rhythmically, moaning into Spike’s hair and rubbing his lips and cheeks over and over the vampire’s head. “Spike, oh god, Spike,” he moaned. “I need this, I need this, Spike.” He grasped the vampire’s hands where they hung by his side and placed them gently on his own crotch. “God, Spike.” He pressed his hands more firmly down. Spike felt the hard bulge there and shuddered all over. “Yeah,” sighed Xander. “Yeah. ‘S good. ‘S good there. You like that yeah you like that. So do I.” Spike gasped and suddenly tried to pull back. “Xander,” he whimpered, “Xander, you don’t want this.” But Xander kept hold of Spike’s hands and pressed them more firmly down. He laid his head on Spike’s shoulder and rubbed his lips against his neck, pleading in a tearful voice. “Please, Spike. Please don’t be mad at me. Please, Spike. Please, I’m so drunk, Spike. I feel so lonely, Spike. Please don’t be mad at me. Please.” One of his hands let go of Spike’s and lay on the vampire’s waist. He pressed closer and slid his hand down to Spike’s crotch. Spike jumped, but Xander held him firmly by his hands and squeezed him through his jeans. “You want it too, don’cha, Spike,” Xander said darkly. “Don’cha.”
“No,” Spike whispered, but he was pressing against Xander’s hand, rubbing his hand hypnotically over Xander’s crotch, his head buzzing and spinning and filling with endorphins. The pheromones coming off Xander were making him feel more drunk than the whiskey they had consumed that night. And now Xander’s hand was deftly flying down the buttons of his jeans. Spike whimpered, but stood still as he felt Xander’s hand reach inside and grab hold of his cock. Spike moaned.
Xander rolled his head on Spike’s shoulder and moaned as he squeezed his cock. “Yeah, you want it. You want it. You want it,” he growled. He eased Spike’s stiffened shaft out of his jeans and began slowly pulling at it with one hand. With the other, he began opening his own fly. Spike reached over with both hands and helped him. Between them both, the loosened jeans were slid from Xander’s hips and halfway down his thighs. Spike became aware that Xander was slowly shuffling them backwards, behind one of those ubiquitous dumpsters, out of sight of the doorway. As they rounded the corner, Xander suddenly lifted his hand from Spike’s cock and put both his hands on Spike’s shoulders. He applied downward pressure. Moaning and rolling his head back and forth as he thrust his hips into Spike’s hands. “Please Spike, god I need this, Spike. God I’m so horny, Spike, I’m gonna die. Please Spike, please.”
Spike found himself being pushed to his knees in the alley. He looked up at Xander as the man’s dripping cock was unceremoniously pressed against his lips. Xander hissed and threw his head back. “Aah, yeah. God. Please Spike.” Spike looked up at his friend, trembling all over. With desire. With fear. With confusion. Xander wanted this so badly. But humans wanted things sometimes that they later wished they hadn’t. But Xander had said that he loved him. And Spike knew that he loved Xander. Because through all the weeks of pretending. All the rough talk and goofiness. Ignoring Xander’s persistent and obvious arousal. Turning a pained but blind eye as he trundled all those sluts off to bed. Spike knew that he loved Xander. And this time Xander had said that he loved him. Whispered it over and over, so that his whole head tingled from all the love that Xander had planted there. Spike licked the precum carefully off of Xander’s penis. Xander moaned in response and buried his hands into Spike's hair. He pressed the head of his cock more insistently at Spike’s lips, and Spike opened his mouth and allowed Xander in.
Xander tasted like a man. A warm human man. He was all sweat and musk and liquor and heat. But he also tasted like Xander. Like salty hot chocolate with a dash of Irish Whiskey. The salty sweet, meaty taste of Xander filled Spike’s mouth and he thought he would die with the pleasure. He slid his tongue up and down the vein under Xander’s shaft, feeling the blood there, smelling it, wanting it, rolling his tongue around and around the bulbous head, flicking over the tiny split with little butterfly flicks, then going back to that vein. He wanted to draw Xander in, feel that blood heat pulsing in his mouth, so he pushed his face further into Xander’s crotch, deep throating him unthinkingly. Above him Xander cried out, “God! Spike!” and he felt Xander tremble all over with the pleasure he was giving him. The thought made him crazy with desire, and he quickly grabbed his own shaft and began pumping it as he slid his mouth, sucking busily, up and down Xander’s cock. Xander was moaning and chanting his name. Thrusting now into Spike’s throat. Spike could feel the head of Xander’s cock pushing into the back of his throat over and over. It was slightly uncomfortable, even for a vampire, but the thought of the pleasure he was giving was making him insane. His hand jerked viciously at his own penis, wild with the idea of Xander’s pleasure, Xander’s love. He looked up at the man above him and saw his face writhing and contorted as he strove for release, and he moaned around the cock in his mouth in an agony of desire. Xander shuddered at the vibrations and began wildly thrusting into Spike’s mouth. He could feel him in the back of his throat. Spike saw Xander’s eyes open for a minute and stare at him wildly. “Make yourself come,” Xander said in a gravelly, fierce voice. “I wanna see you come.” And as if on command, Spike felt his own orgasm suddenly ripping from his balls and through his penis. He cried out again as Xander pushed himself into his throat, and Spike felt the great hot stream of Xander’s cum pulse down his throat and fill his mouth. Hot and salty and Xander. He swallowed as much as he could. Shivering with the taste and his own orgasm. He felt Xander’s softening shaft withdrawn, and looked up to see Xander collapse against the dumpster, breathing hard.
“Holy shit,” said Xander breathlessly. He leaned over and pulled up his jeans, put himself carefully back inside and zipped. He leaned over again and grabbed his knees. “Holy mother fucking shit,” said Xander. And he started laughing. Spike shakily got himself off the ground, surreptitiously wiping his mouth and grinning shyly. Xander glanced at him and winced away, dramatically warding off the sight of Spike with his hands. “Whoa, man, put that thing away. Gonna blind me,” he exclaimed raucously. Spike quickly got himself decent and approached Xander with his arms open for a hug. Xander stood up suddenly and staggered sideways, evading contact.
“Fuck I’m drunk.” He turned and motioned Spike to come with him as he began exiting the alleyway at a rapid pace. “C’mon guy, let’s get outta here. If I’m gonna black out I wanna be in my bed when I come to, ya know?” He took off at a rapid walk. Spike followed him, growing in confusion with every step.
When they got to Xander’s apartment, the man let himself in then turned in the doorway. “So see ya, Spike,” he said quickly, and shut the door before the vampire could answer. Spike stood there for a moment. Still slightly drunk and more than a little puzzled. He was pretty sure that something strange had just happened here. He didn’t think he had expected Xander to behave as he just had, but he wasn’t sure what behavior he should have expected. Spike didn’t have a lot of experience with common romantic niceties, and he wasn’t sure what was done after getting or receiving a blow job in an alley. In his unlife, the next step had generally been draining the victim. Barring that, he had no idea how one was supposed to proceed. Spike wandered back to his room at the Summers’ house pondering Xander’s behavior, and savoring the memory of his declarations of love.
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