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2: Looking Back

They left the club hand-in-hand. As they exited the building, Spike snaked his arm around Xander's waist, simultaneously pulling him into his side and pushing him back against the wall. Intellectually, Xander was still reeling from what he had seen and what it might mean; his mind adjusting slowly to a new reality as he realised that everything he had believed about their relationship was almost, but not quite, wrong. Almost, but not quite, correct. He had seen himself as the provider. The one who earned the salary that bought the blood and paid the rent. In a way, he now realised, he had seen himself as keeping Spike in return for Spike indulging his secret kinks

The last six months, since their casual and occasional cohabitation had turned into a relationship based on fun in bed, had been fantastic. But as if a fog had cleared, he realised that what he had now was not a temporary thing, made up of sex and games. Somehow, without him realising it, it had become something bigger and altogether more serious... and important. The question was, was he ready for that? Did he want it? He thought the answer was a resounding 'Hell yes!' At least, that’s what it felt like it should be. But was it? Was he ready for this, whatever this turned out to be?

The feel of Spike's body pressed against his pulled him back to the present and he shelved those questions, if only for a while.

As Xander's back hit the wall, Spike draped his body against his boy, ran his arms up Xander's back, and took possession of his head. Threading his fingers through dark, soft hair, Spike took him in a deep kiss. Xander's arms briefly tightened around his lover’s waist. Then he ran his hands up Spike's back, gripping his shoulders and clinging to him

Spike's mouth was firm and possessive on Xander's. Xander felt his entire body melt as he lost himself in the wonderful heat Spike's touch raised in him. He slumped against the wall, held upright by Spike's weight and groaned into the kiss. He could feel his cock, which had never been completely soft, harden again – the ring tight around him as he swelled. Spike ground his hips into Xander’s body consuming him with the kiss. Xander felt that, if he could, he would just melt away, sink into Spike and never leave.

One of Spike's hands slid down Xander's back and over his butt, squeezing a cheek before pressing on the base of the plug again.

Xander groaned. "Please, Spike, Master, please?"

Spike pulled away. "C'mon Pet. Want t'get y'home." His hand slid around Xander's hip, stroking across his crotch. "Need to do something 'bout this, anyway. 'S not tight, but left too long... Well, don't want to do you an injury, do we?"

He stepped back and took Xander's hand, leading him down the street towards the car. Xander's feet felt as if they were made from concrete. He managed to lift them and put them down again, but the only reason he was moving forward was because Spike was pulling him.

Spike sighed and paused, pulling Xander into him. "You're really out of it aren't you? Come on then." Slipping his arm back around Xander's waist, he got them moving.

By the time they reached the car the cool night air had refreshed Xander somewhat and he was feeling more alert. He dug the car keys out of his pocket and opened the driver's door for Spike, handing him the key, before walking around to the passenger side to get in himself. Spike started the engine and pulled out into the sparse midnight traffic, his right hand resting on Xander's thigh. Xander scrunched down a bit in his seat to allow Spike easier access to his crotch if he wanted it. He squirmed again as the plug moved with the shifting pressure. But Spike left his hand where it was, just stroking gently. Xander relaxed into his seat, determined not to think about anything.

Spike glanced across at his boy. It had gone well, he thought. Xander had made the desired connection. Probably not a good idea to let him think too much right now though. Well, he had an idea about that too. Digging his cigarettes and lighter out of his pocket he tossed them on the dash. Then he arched up in his seat slightly so he could undo his jeans, pulling his cock free of the fly. Glancing over again he saw Xander watching him, the beginnings of a smile on his face. Spike reached out and cupped the back of Xander's neck, gently pulled him down. Xander's smile became a smirk as he obediently turned in his seat and laid his body over, so that his right cheek rested on Spike's thigh and his legs curled up on the seat, his feet hanging over the edge. He opened his mouth and started to suck gently on the tip of Spike's cock.

Spike sat back and relaxed, concentrating on his driving more than on the warm mouth and wet tongue working him so expertly. They had learned from experience that a full blow job, to orgasm, was not a good idea when the car was moving. Luckily, the ditch had not been deep. So he knew Xander was not trying to bring him off. He was playing, giving gentle undemanding pleasure and getting the same back. Xander simply loved giving head. And he was good at it. Lots of practice, after all, makes perfect. Xander knew exactly what Spike liked. In a particular mood he could bring Spike off in minutes. But when it was like this, it could go on for hours. On one occasion it had; the drive from Sunnydale to San Francisco was a good five or six hours, even with a clear road. Apart from drink and bathroom breaks, Xander had stayed in Spike's lap the whole trip. Spike shivered slightly at the memory, lit himself a cigarette and went back to concentrating on driving, occasionally dropping his spare hand from the wheel to stroke through Xander's hair.

Three cigarettes and thirty minutes later, Xander was so caught up in his task and his pleasure that he never even noticed the car pull into the garage and come to a stop. Spike's hand threading through his hair again, this time grabbing gently, brought him back to full consciousness.

"Hey baby," Spike whispered, bending down towards his boy's ear. "Come on. Up y'get. We're home, Pet. Time to get off." Spike smirked at his pun.

Apparently Xander heard it too, because suddenly his mouth became demanding. His tongue became firmer and less liquid as he swallowed the excess saliva, at the same time taking Spike into the back of his throat. Xander moaned around Spike's cock, sending vibrations straight to his balls and Spike's whole body tightened. Xander shifted slightly, getting one arm over Spike's legs to brace himself, and started bobbing his head, sucking strongly. His tongue became an insistent, teasing point running around the head, up and down the vein on the underside and pushing into the slit at the tip. Spike groaned. He felt his balls tighten further and when Xander gave another moan and swallowed, he came. Xander lifted his head slightly, allowing Spike's hips the freedom to thrust, taking quick, practised breaths on the down-stroke and swallowing Spike whole again as he thrust up. Spike felt his cum shoot straight down Xander's throat, in four or five short, sharp bursts. He collapsed back into his seat, slowly loosening his hand from Xander's hair. His head fell back against the rest. He breathed.

Xander stayed where he was for a few moments. Once again gentle, he sucked on Spike's softening length. When he was sure Spike was finished, he let go with a wet, slurping sound and tilted his head on Spike's thigh, looking up through heavy-lidded eyes.

"Sorry, Master," he said, almost-smirk playing at the corners of his mouth. "Was I a bad boy?"

Spike took a last breath and tilted his own head, looking down at him. "Well, that depends Pet. Did you mean t'be?"

Xander frowned as if trying to work that one out, while Spike gently stroked his hair.

"Love your hair like this, Pet; all wild and tangled. Love that well-fucked look on your face. Y'look positively debauched. C'mon. Let's get inside, where we have more room. I want t'see y'again." Xander's face cleared and he scrambled upright, clambering out of the car and coming around to open Spike's door. Spike put himself back together and led the way into the house.

As soon as they were inside Xander took off his clothes, hung them neatly in the wardrobe by the door and went off to the bathroom to wash his dirty feet. His own cock was rigidly hard, sticking out horizontally from his body, a deep and angry red.

Spike, still enjoying his post orgasmic lassitude, nevertheless took note of that. 'Better get rid of that strap' he thought. 'Don't want his dick falling off.' In the meantime he headed into the kitchen to heat some blood.

Ten minutes later, fed and more alert, he wandered back into the living room to make them each a drink when he saw Xander standing hesitantly by the bathroom door. 'Right!' he thought. 'Looks like we need to re-establish the parameters. Don't want him questioning the rules. Just want him to realise how that lesson fits inside them.'

Straightening up, he stood in the centre of the fur mat in the middle of the room and issued his command, "Come here, Pet. Present yourself."

Xander's shoulders relaxed slightly and he immediately walked forward, dropping gracefully to his knees in front of Spike, hands clasped behind his back, eyes lowered to Spike's feet.

Spike looked down at him, circling slowly, checking that Xander's posture was not only correct, but perfect. Oh, but he made a pretty picture. Spike wanted to reach down and pull the boy up to him. But that would not be a good idea, given Xander's state of mind. So instead he stepped over to the sideboard and poured himself a JD.

Returning to stand in front of Xander again, he said, "Take my boots off, Pet."

Xander dropped back and sat on his feet, so he could lean forward and loosen the long laces from the ten pairs of eyelets, on first one boot and then the other.

Spike watched. "Hmm. Have to get to you to do that with your teeth next time, Pet," he mused.

Xander shivered. He took hold of Spike's left foot and, as Spike rested his free hand on Xander's head for balance, lifted it into his lap, pulling the boot off and setting it aside, before doing the same with the right.

As Xander sat back, Spike ran his stockinged foot gently up Xander's thighs until he could stroke it up the length of Xander's cock. Xander groaned and slumped down into himself as his body responded to the caress.

Leaving Xander there on the floor, Spike went into the kitchen for ice to make a couple more drinks. On his return, he was pleased to see that Xander had resumed the 'Present' position, but had otherwise not moved. He put the drinks down on the side table next to the sofa and walked over to the music centre to find something calm and soothing for background noise. A bit of Bach perhaps, so that any pauses in the upcoming conversation wouldn't feel like uncomfortable silence. He wanted thoughtful, not awkward.

Sitting down on the sofa, with his knees spread wide, he looked over at Xander again. "Come here, Pet," he said.

Obediently, and didn't Spike just love that word, Xander shuffled forward until he was kneeling between Spike's feet. "No. Climb up, Pet".

Xander bowed his head in acknowledgement of the treat and crawled up onto the sofa, laying out on his back with his head in Spike's lap.

"Not like that," Spike instructed. "Come lie across my lap, on your back."

Xander crab-crawled backwards until his butt was directly over Spike's lap. He relaxed back, with his head now resting against the arm of the sofa. Spike picked up one of the drinks and drew his other hand up the inside of the Xander's leg, bringing it gently to rest on his hard cock. He let his hand lie there, not moving, as he sipped his drink.

"Think I should do something about that, Pet?" he asked.

"If you wish to, Master." But Spike could hear the tension in Xander's voice – the barely constrained excitement from the weight of Spike's hand.

"Hmm. Yeah, I think I do." Spike put his drink down and leant forward, taking Xander's length into his mouth. He loosened the leather thong, pinching the base of Xander's cock to prevent him betraying himself, and sucked.

Xander groaned in frustration and gratitude as his head pressed back and his body arched up.

Spike pulled off for a moment. "You can come, Pet," he said, before plunging back down, simultaneously pulling out the plug.

Xander screamed as his balls rose and he came violently, on the instant. Spike sucked and teased the head of Xander's cock as he spurted into his mouth and, just as Xander had done earlier, he continued to suck until Xander was soft and limp and panting across his lap.

Spike took a moment to enjoy the view, as Xander lay gasping and languid across his knees, before lifting him up and manoeuvring his limp body, until Spike himself lay lengthways on the sofa, Xander supine between his legs, his head resting on Spike's chest.

"So, now we need t'talk, Pet," he said calmly.

Xander lifted his head with a slight groan, then let it fall back to Spike's chest. "Talk? Okay. I can do that. Yes. I can do that. What?"

"Feelin‘ better, Luv?"

"Oh yeah! Wow! I feel like I've been stretched out, pulled apart and only partly put back together again. But give me a moment and I'll be okay."

"Good. 'Cause I need you t'think about what y'saw this evening. I need you t'tell me about it." He paused as he considered how to start. "We've come a long way, last few months, haven't we, Pet? D'you remember how we started this?"

He felt Xander stiffen slightly, but it was not a bad thing. They had just never talked about this before. For the past six months they had concentrated on the present, not looking back. Now they needed to relive that and recognise how very far they had come. Xander needed to. "D'you remember that first day?" he asked.

Xander thought back, his body relaxing again. "You had been staying with me for a few weeks," he said.


"I thought you had gone out for the night. But you walked in on me."

Spike stroked along the length of Xander's arms. "And what did I find? When I did that?" he asked.

"I was lying here..." Xander said, hesitantly. "On the sofa. I had no clothes on... I had been watching a movie."

Spike smiled against Xander's hair. "Tell me 'bout the movie Pet."

"It was the one we watched last weekend. With the guy..." he trailed off.

"Keep going. Tell me 'bout the movie."

"You know the movie," Xander protested. He twisted his neck to look up into Spike's face, but catching his expression, sighed in acquiescence. "There is a guy," he said, "who has a good job in an office and screws all the pretty girls who work there, because he can. Because they have to do what he says. Because he's the boss. But at night he goes to a club and asks other men to do what they want to him."

Spikes hands stilled, arms loosely clasped around Xander's chest. "And what d'they do?"

Xander took a deep breath. "They jerk off over him and rub their cum all over him. They tie him up and fuck him. They whip him and he serves them food, on his knees."

The gentle stroking resumed. "And you liked it, didn't you?" Spike's mouth was close to Xander's ear. His voice was soft and precise as he breathed, "It turned you on, didn't it? Watching him give up control?"

Xander shivered and collapsed back further into Spike's embrace, "Yeah. It did. I got really hard and I jerked off while I watched it. I thought you'd gone out!"

"But I hadn't."

Oh, that voice, so intimate, so insidious, so commanding in its gentle insistence. Xander felt his mind begin to fly as Spike continued, "I was in my room. An' I could smell you. Smell how you were feeling." He paused. "And I came t'see."

Attempting to pull himself back into the present, Xander took a deep breath before going on, "But by then the movie had finished. I had finished. I had a rubbed my own cum all over myself and I was just lying here. Thinking."

Spike pulled his head back and gave a small snort. "Thinkin', Pet?" he asked.

Knowing that they both knew the truth, Xander corrected himself. "Reading."

"Hmm. Go on. What were you reading?"

"A... a magazine?"

"Yeah, a magazine. One of those ones you deny havin' ever seen." Spike agreed, quoting their shared joke.

Xander sighed. "I had a stack of them." he admitted, his voice soft and vulnerable. "They were hidden under the bed... I used to look at them at night." He paused again, turning slightly to glare up at Spike. "I thought you'd gone out!"

Spike grinned smugly back at him. "But I hadn't."

"No." Xander agreed, turning his head back to a more comfortable position, looking out across the room. "You came in and found me." His voice still had a dreamy quality. "You saw what I was doing. What I was looking at." He smiled. "And you said..."

"I can do that for yer, Pet," Spike interrupted softly. "I said, I could do that for you."

Xander nodded. "I was so scared. You stood over me and I was so scared."


"But you. You looked so certain. Like you knew exactly what I wanted. Like you knew..."

"Did know. Didn't I?" Spike said, stating a fact rather than asking for agreement.

Xander gave it anyway. "Yes, you knew. And I knew that you knew."

Spike grinned as he briefly contemplated how far they could develop that sentence between them. "I'd been smellin' it for weeks, Luv. Vampire senses, yeah? You looked so pretty, slouched here with that innocent, hungry look on your face. You were stroking y'rself, even though you were spent. Y'looked like a debauched angel."

Xander closed his eyes briefly at the memory. "You took hold of my wrists and held them above my head, against the back of the sofa, so I couldn't move."

Spike ran his right hand around Xander's neck, tracing the edge of the collar. "You didn't want to."

"No, I didn't." Xander rubbed the side of his head against Spike's chest in agreement. "But I liked being held."

Spike briefly mouthed the top of Xander's head. The smiling smugness was back in his voice as he said, "Y'wanted me. You'd wanted me for a while."

Xander's own voice was rueful. "I had wanted you for years. I just couldn't do anything about it."

"'Til I kissed you. Woke up my Sleeping Beauty and you started t'live."

"God Spike! It was so strange at first. I didn't know how it would ever work."

"But I knew. Knew exactly what you wanted. And what you didn't want. Knew you didn't want t'be my slave. Knew it would only be for a couple o' hours." He paused. "At first." He stroked both hands down Xander's chest. "I took y'to bed and I got you off."

It was Xander's turn to snort. "You tied me to the bedposts!" he exclaimed.

"Only 'cause y'wanted me to. You loved it!"

Xander twisted his head again, looking up into Spike's face. "Yes. I loved it... And you didn't even fuck me."

"Didn't need to Pet. Didn't want to scare you. Too many new things on a first date? Nah! You'da run away."

Xander smiled in recognition of his earlier self. "Yes, I probably would."

Spike tightened his arms around Xander's shoulders and chest in a strong and comforting hug. "So then what 'appened, Pet?"

"I woke up the next morning and you were gone. You weren't in your room." His shoulders tensed under Spike's arms. "So I went to work."

Spike, resuming the soothing strokes, up Xander's sides and across his chest. "Hadn't rejected you," he explained. "You just needed time t'think about it".

"Oh, and I did! All day! I was really not much use that day. But boy, did I think!"

The smile was back in Spike's voice, "What did y'think?" he asked, his hand gentle on Xander's chest; one hard, dry palm rubbing across Xander's nipples, making them peak.

"Well..." Xander paused, then continued more strongly, "at first I was really too busy freaking out. Then I tried for denial. By lunchtime I was back into scared again. But in the afternoon... In the afternoon I calmed down. I thought about you and about how you made me feel... About how you didn't fuck me, or force me..." He thought about it and his voice betrayed his surprise at his own remembered certainty. "I didn't even worry you were gone for good. You had done so much to me that night. I knew you would be back." He paused again. "It wasn't until I was driving home that I realised what I was going to do."

It was Spike's turn to shiver at the memory of that night. "You were so brave Pet. So beautiful. When I came home at sunset to find you kneeling, waiting for me. You were so beautiful."

"I threw out all my magazines that day." Xander looked up again before adding quizzically, "Where had you been all day anyway?"

Spike smiled and hugged him. "Hangin' out in a crypt in Restfield. Thinking 'bout you. Wondering, hoping, doubting."

"So you were brave too," Xander said. "To come back like you did."

"I couldn't not. If you'd changed your mind..."

Xander laughed. "What?"

"I woulda forced you t'change it back!"

Somehow Xander wasn't surprised. Spike was a vampire after all. "What would you have done?"

"I wanted you willing, Pet. But make no mistake, I wanted you. I mighta turned you. You couldn'ta stopped me. Doubt I'd've done that though. A new childe, without a soul? Lots of hard work. I probably woulda just fed you enough blood so you had no choice." His arms tightened around Xander again, holding him close and strong. "But, I didn't want t'do that either." He took a breath, "An' I didn't have to, 'cause you were willing. There you were, in the middle o' the room. On your knees. Waiting."

"You would really have done that to me?" Xander asked. He sounded a little scared, a little in awe.

"Yeah. I would. You would've had no choice." The certainty in Spike's voice was compelling. "And I would've had a perfectly compliant slave."

"But you didn't want that." It was not a question.

"Nah. But I woulda taken it, if it was the only way to have you."

"Even though it wouldn't have been me? Not the real me?"

"Wouldn'ta liked it," Spike agreed, "but I'da done it."

"You would have hated it. And you would have ended up hating me."

"Lucky for us both then, that you did the right thing." Xander could hear the grin.

"The right thing," Xander mused. "God! I was so innocent. So... ignorant. I thought I was just playing a game. I didn't realise how serious you were. I didn't realise... well, anything really. I just knew it was what I wanted. I just did what felt right. What I'd read about."

Spike smiled to himself with the memory. "You gave yourself to me."

Xander's own smile was slightly twisted. "But I didn't even know I was doing that. Not when I did it. I'm not sure I ever realised it properly. Not until tonight..." He trailed off again as the realisation of what they had returned full force.

"Y'do now." It was said with certainty.

Squirming around until he was lying on his front, Xander crossed his arms on Spike’s chest and rested his chin on his forearms. He looked up at Spike through his hair with an open, honest smile. Spike marvelled again at how his boy still held his innocence somehow untouched.

He reached over and gently brushed Xander's hair away from his brow. His boy. So brave. So clever. So knowledgeable in all the things that made Spike feel good. So much humour and glee in his enjoyment of all manner of sexual kinks. He had a darkness deep inside; the kind of darkness that revelled in wantonness. But on top of that, he still had his honest air of innocence. And that was as true to his nature as the darkness. Spike thanked all the Powers that cared for demons that he had not had to resort to other methods to keep his boy. He had what he wanted and he was never letting it go. And now Xander knew that too. Xander knew what he had given to Spike six months ago and he didn't regret it. He reached over to the side table and picked up one of the glasses, handing it to Xander before picking up his own. They sipped in silence for a moment; Xander resting his glass on Spike's chest and tipping it towards his mouth, Spike leaning back into the corner of the sofa, stroking Xander's hair with his other hand. Bach's heavenly music played across the room.

Taking a soft, unneeded breath, Spike brought them back to business. "So, tell me what we are now, Pet. Tell me 'bout us."

Xander paused in thought. "I can tell you what we're not."

"Fine, " Spike agreed. "Tell me what we're not then."

"We're not anything like those magazine pictures. And we're not anything like most of the people in that club."


"And I'm not your 'perfectly compliant slave'. I'm not your slave at all. Until tonight I thought that... I'm not exactly sure what I thought. I think... I think that I didn't think about it at all. I was just grateful that you didn't expect me to do all the housework, on top of my job. To be silent and submissive all the time. Kneel on the floor to eat. Never get to sit on a chair with you again. And always be hard." He grinned up at Spike. "I read about that once. A relationship where the sub always had to be hard if his Master was in the room. I mean, that would just hurt after a while."

"But you are always hard f'me, Pet. Not rock hard, but always more than half."

Xander grunted in surprise, lifting his hips to look down the length of his own body. "Huh! Yeah, I guess I am. I just didn't notice. Got so used to having trouble closing my zip. How long has that been going on?"

"From the beginning," Spike said. He paused. "An' I do expect you t'be submissive," he added.

Xander thought about that. "Well, yeah, but not like I can't have an opinion of my own."

"No," Spike agreed and grinned at Xander. "Where'd be the fun in that?"

"And I don't have to kneel at your feet all the time. Only when you tell me too. Only when..." he trailed off again, thinking. "So," he said slowly. "What you're saying is that I am always on my knees, except when you tell me I don't have to be?"

"No, Pet. That's what you're sayin'."

Xander snorted in amazed recognition. "I am, aren't I? Huh! I never noticed that either. So, if you wanted, I would spend all my time on the floor. Would have to crawl around like a dog, instead of walking? Could never argue with you?"

"Is that what y'want, Pet?"

"No. Pretty sure it's not."

"Good! 'Cause I don't think I could do that. I'd get bored." Spike brushed Xander's hair back from his forehead, tucking it behind his ear so he could look into his eyes. "Yer right. The 'perfectly compliant slave' would get boring, pretty quick. I love you just as you are: an awkward cuss, opinionated, passionate, beautiful, brave. And totally submissive. And Mine! Don't go and change on me. If y'do, I'll get pissed."

"You'll get drunk?" Xander's tone of innocent enquiry was totally unconvincing.

Spike snorted. "I'll get 'pissed off'!" He said, adopting a mock scolding tone, "Annoyed! Irritated! Not pissed drunk-pissed!"

"Oh," Xander said, with an air of equally false realisation. "Okay. Got it. Submissively argumentative. Check! Or should that be argumentatively submissive? Which one's right?"

"Hush, Pet!"

"Yes, Master Spike."

Spike drank the last of his whisky and pushed Xander to sit up, so that he could go and get a refill. He raised his glass and an eyebrow at Xander, but Xander shook his head lifting his own glass to show it was still half full.

Spike brought the bottle back with him and turned off the music. It had done its job. Pausing by the TV, he picked up the remote and tossed it to Xander before sitting down and pulling Xander over to snuggle against him, his arm around Xander's shoulder.

Xander's head dropped to rest under Spike's chin and Spike's hand found its way back into Xander's hair, stroking gently as they watched TV. The remote lay in Xander's lap until they went to bed.

Part 3


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