Meeting The In-Laws


“I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

“Relax, pet, it’ll be fine.”

“He’s heading a law firm of evil lawyers from hell, literally, and has Harmony…Harmony, you know the pink and glittery unicorn loving vampire Harmony… as his secretary! Tell me how these are not indications that he’s become all Angelusy again. Does he even know why we’re here?”

“… More or less.”

“Spike… does he even know we’re here at all?”

“Well he will in a few minutes now won’t he?”

“Spike, I’m going to kill you! It’s bad enough having to talk to Deadboy again in the first place, but to spring the whole ‘Hi, guess what, you’re going to be my father in-law’ without him even having an idea…you’re trying to get me killed!”

“Nah, not at all, pet. He’s more likely to try to dust me first, anyway. Besides, I already made nice with my new in-laws, didn’ I, only fair to return the favor…besides, we need his blessing anyway.”

“Made nice? Made nice?! You tried to eat my parents, Spike.”

“Bloody bastards deserve it, if you ask me. An’ I wasn’t really gonna eat them, probably taste all pickled, but givin' ‘em a little scare didn’ hurt nothing. I meant Red and the rest of your little Scooby clan, they’re more your family than those two that spawned you. ‘Sides, you already talked to Dru, my lovely Dark Plum, how bad can Peaches be?”

“I just realized, you have a thing for fruit don’t you? Don’t answer that. And, speaking of, I still can’t believe you made me talk to her! She almost killed me!”

“Nah, pet, she just wanted a little taste of her Dark Kitten, make sure you were up to her standards is all. She’d leave draining you up to me.”

“… That is so not encouraging right now, Fangless.”

“Pet… what’s wrong? It’s not like you to be all worked up like this. Stop pacing and come here. Right now, what’s got your knickers in a twist, eh?”

“… It’s just…It’s Angel, he hates me. And you’re not exactly his favorite person either. How are we ever going to get his approval much less his blessing? I love you, Spike, I want to stay with you forever, but I can’t without you turning me or making me your Consort…and I’d rather stick with the un-undead part as long as possible, you know. But, he‘s never going to agree, I mean… I‘m just me, plain old Xander Harris, the Scooby… the Zeppo. I‘m not powerful or super strong or extra smart or anything. And I look silly wearing this; I can‘t believe I let you talk me into it.”

“Shh, pet. Angel’s a right pain in the arse, but he’s still my Sire for all intents and purposes and head of the Aurelius line. If he knows we’re sincere about going through with this, he’ll give his blessing and, Powers willing, we can go another century or so without havin’ to see each other again. And no more talkin‘ down about yourself, I tol‘ you about that. And you look like a regular nummy treat in that, you do. That shirt brings out the green in your eyes…”

“My eyes are brown, Spike, in case you hadn’t noticed after all this time.”

“Prat, your eyes turn kinda greenish when the hyena’s runnin’ close to the surface, which it does when you get all agitated like. So, as I was sayin,’ the shirt brings out your eyes, and those pants…”

“They’re so tight I can barely breathe, Spike. I’m going to be lucky if I don’t injure a part of me you happen to like an awfully lot by the end of the night. And stop…stop nibbling on my neck… you know what that does…”

“Mmm, those pants hug that perfect arse of yours, shows it off a right treat. And I happen to like … what happens… when I start… nibbling…”

“Mmm… I mean no! Spike, no unfastening of the pants! Even if it does… mmmm, oh right there… I mean no, we can’t… this is Angel’s desk and… mmm, oh Spike! Ah! I can’t believe you just… ohhhh… they’re going to hear us… Oh fuck, get these pants off me!”

“Bloody wonderful idea, pet… thought you’d never ask. Mmm, love how you taste, Xan-pet… how you feel… silk covered steel, you are… love you like this, all hard and needy… cock dripping… mmm, so sweet. Now who’s making the mess they’re goin’ to hear, eh?”

“Fuck the computer, Spike… need… ohhhh, God yes, right… more, please… Stop teasing Spike… need you… AH! Need you in me now!”

“Oh, Xan… so tight and hot… good thing I come prepared, innit? Shh, pet, be in you soon enough; don’ wanna hurt you.”

“Spike! It’s good… I’m fine… in me, pleeeeease, Spike.”

“Mmm, you beg so pretty, pet… moanin‘ and writhin‘ like that. Hold on now… just a… Ah! …. moment. Bloody hell… so good, Xan… that’s right, hold onto the desk. Don’ want you slidin’ off…”

“If you don’t… stop talking… and start moving, Fangless… gonna take care of… things my…self…FUCK! Yes, Spike! Ah…yes… harder…”

“That’s right, Xan… let ‘em know …who you… ohh, belong to. Bloody perfect… you are… mmmm, never letting you go… Peaches… can go hang… Gonna claim you… right proper…”

“Yes…ah, Spike! More…so close… feel so good… love you… never… ohhhhh, never leaving you. “

“Xander! Ah… love you, pet… always… mmm, that’s right… come for me, luv. Beautiful… so good… Ohh, Xan… gonna… Xander!”


“Oh, hell no! I cannot believe you two… and you just… and on my desk!”

“Wow, that’s really hot!”

“Not now, Harmony!”

“So much for afterglow.”

“I just told them to wait in there. I said nothing about sex!”

“Not now, Harmony!”

“Ta ever so much, mate… way to ruin the moment.”

“Ruin the… you two just had sex on my desk!”

“Thought we established that when ya came in, Peaches.”

“Spike…can we not, you know, aggravate him until after we get his blessing?”

“Blessing?! Blessing for what? And since when are you two… you two…”

“Fucking like rabbits?”

“Having sex?”

“Making passionate love?”


“You two are…I need a drink. I need several drinks. Hell, I need the whole damn bar! Since when are you two even getting along?”

“Umm, could you maybe toss me my pants and turn around while I uh… you know… your desk isn’t really all that comfy.”

“You want me to toss you your… Fine, happy?! I’m going to have to burn that desk… I liked that desk. It had places for me to put everything.”

“Right, all set then. And we’ve been ‘getting along’ since I had to live with him the first time. Made a truce of sorts…things just kinda progressed from there.”

“And now… Spike and I love each other, and uh…”

“And we came to ask your blessin’ as my Sire and the head of the Aurelius Clan to make Xander my Consort.”

“You? And Xander? Married? Together forever until dust? Why me? I thought I was supposed to be rewarded for my good deeds, not punished like this!”

“Who’s he talking to?”

“Powers I suppose.”

“Besides, Deadboy, in case you hadn’t noticed, you’re kinda running an evil law firm of evil lawyers with a side helping of evil. I think your karma just took a swing back in the other direction.”

“Now who’s aggravating him?”

“Enough! If I give you my blessing, will you two go away and promise me you won’t see me again for at least a century barring matters of an apocalypse?”

“That was easier than I expected.”

“Nah, just about what I planned on.”

“You planned this?! Sex on his desk?!”

“Now, now, pet, no need to hit those frequencies, got super hearing, remember? ‘Sides, kinda thought you’d like the thrill of getting’ caught… just like back in the Slayer’s workout room that time…”

“Spike! I am sooooo gonna kill you!”

“You know what?! You two have my blessing! There has never been a couple that deserves each other more than you two. Now leave!”

“Thanks, Pops.”

“Don’t even think of calling me that, Harris.”

“Ta, Peaches. See ya ‘round sometime.”

“Don’t think this is over, Spike. You are so sleeping on the couch tonight. Can’t believe you planned that.”

“Now, pet, don’t be like that. Enjoyed it didn’ ya? And ya gotta admit, the look on the Poof’s face was priceless.”

“Yeah it was, wasn’t it?”

“Come on pet, let’s go home. We’ve got some celebratin’ to do.”

“Sounds good… but you’re still sleeping on the couch!”

The End