Rating: Nc-17
Pairing: S/X/G
Disclaimer: Of course they’re not mine. I’ll give them back someday, promise.
Spoilers: Through the end of both BtVS & AtS.
Warnings: Naughty boys deserve spankings…and threesomes!
Spoilers: Bored with their jobs as assistant librarians at the New Watchers Council, the boys goof off, and get punished for it.

Written for: jadelennox & The ColorSound&RandomObject Ficathon
Preferred rating and genre: humor, But anything is fine
Your Color: brown
Your Sound: Foghorn
Your Random Object: Library card catalog. The kind with cards, not an OPAC terminal. :)
Two things you'd like included: Anya spoken of positively or included; A third party involved in sex or relationship (Anya or anyone else)
Two things you don't want included: Darkfic (including bloodplay/bloodbonds/character death); character bashing of anyone

Never Piss Off a Librarian


Xander sat at the old wooden library table, leafing through index cards and muttering about ‘grumpy, unfair Librarians’ under his breath. The room he was in was large, a study of gray stone and brown wood, filled with shelves and shelves of leather-bound books. Outside London was blanketed in fog, all sound muffled under the thick blanket save for the sound of a foghorn echoing up the Thames. Inside, the huge stone room should have been cold but a fire roaring cheerily in the large fireplace kept the room warm.

Spike flipped through the pages of a book, slouched in his chair, feet propped on the table. Xander glared at him. "Are you working or just goofing off?"

Spike grinned and held up a stack of blank index cards and a pen. "I'm working boy, don't sass me."

"Don't call me boy."

Spike leered. "You didn't mind so much last night."

Xander ignored the leer and the obvious innuendo and continued working through the cards he was currently alphabetizing into the old wooden drawers of a card catalog. The type Xander hadn’t seen since grade school, or maybe these hadn’t been seen since the stone ages, Xander wasn’t sure. "Why does Giles insist on a frikin' card catalog? Why not just put the library info on the computer?"

Spike shrugged. "Don't know pet. Guess the Watcher's just like to do things the traditional way. Sides, all this stuff is going on the computer too."

Groaning, Xander accepted another large stack of cards from Spike and began working them into the pre-existing stacks. "Demon feeding habits...eww. Interdimensional Demons and Time Conflux...okay, no clue what any of that just meant. Demon Mating Habits...okay, that's something I know entirely too much about for comfort."

Spike snorted. "I try my best luv."

"It's not just you Blondie. I'll have you know that I have been seduced by a praying mantis, an Incan Mummy, possessed by a hyena spirit, and let’s not forget that I dated an ex-vengeance demon for several years."

Spike shrugged. "True. Guess what Red says about you being a demon magnet is true."

"Don't say that!" Xander hissed as he looked around the room. "Just because the hell mouth is buried under a giant sink hole doesn't mean that we can't still jinx ourselves!"

"I suppose the fact that the hell mouth is closed and an ocean and most of a continent away doesn't make much difference either?" Spike asked dryly.

Xander shook his head. "Not when you're born and raised there it doesn't."

Changing the subject, Spike idly fingered his piles of index cards. "So, seeing as Anyanka had over a thousand years experience on me, but of course, I'm Spike: who was better in bed?"

Xander rolled his eye. "I could ask you that same question."

Spike looked down at his hands as they fidgeted with the cards. Since getting together post-Sunnydale and post-evil-law-firm-that-ate-L.A., he and Xander had resolved a lot of their old issues, including that one, but Spike still felt bad about it.

Xander sighed and flicked a card at Spike. "Don't, doofus. We've gone over all that before. If you start getting all emotional and girly now I'm going to tell Willow to give you a magical sex change and just make it official."

"Oi! Don't even suggest such a thing! I thought you liked my cock!"

Xander grinned. "I do, but if you're going to act like a girl then I guess we'd just better make you one."

Spike growled at Xander across the table. "Don't make me come over there boy."

Xander looked like he might, but then he slumped back into his seat, rubbing under his eye patch tiredly. "Can't. Giles already yelled at us once today already about the frequent interruptions of work for sex. I don't want to get yelled at again. Besides, last time he said 'or else.' Coming from Giles, 'or else' could be something really bad."

Spike wanted to protest, but then thought better of it. "Fine, but you're behind on those cards, I'm miles ahead of you."

Xander shrugged. "I can't alphabetize as fast as you can write, mister 'I went to Oxford'. Not all of us are closet intellectuals. Why don't you take a break from writing those cards and read to me while I catch up on these?"

Spike nodded and began rummaging through the piles of books on the table. "Ah ha! This should do the trick! 'The Complete Demon Kama Sutra.'"

Xander looked up at it. "Oh hey! Anya and I used to have that. Only we had the abridged version. It left out all the stuff that required tentacles."

Spike sniggered. "But have you done everything in it yet?"


Spike raised an eyebrow. "Really? Well, why don't I read them off to you and you can tell me if you've done it or not."

Xander agreed and went back to filing as Spike began to describe the positions. “Position one…” “Done it.” “Position two…” “Done it.” “Position three…” “Done it.”

And so it went on until Spike was growling with frustration. “Okay, there is no way you’ve done that!” Spike held up the book.

Xander glanced at the page. “Yup, we have.”


“Anya was very flexible.”

Spike leered. “Was she now?”

Xander nodded. “It was one of her many redeeming qualities. That and the ability to say exactly the most embarrassing thing at the most perfectly awkward moment.”

“She was something, our Anyanka. Do you think she made it to heaven?”

Xander shrugged. “She told me she wanted to go to the world without shrimp when she died. She hated seafood.”

Spike laughed and flipped a few pages in the book, “Now I know you’ve done these, I was the other half of that particular pretzel. Oh, here’s a good one. Number thirty-two. Have you done this one yet?”

Xander shook his head. “Nope.”

“What? You mean there’s actually something here you haven’t done? How can you not have done this? It’s just a plain old threesome.”

“I’ve never had a threesome before. Anya never could convince me to.”

Spike grinned. “Finally! Something I’ve done that you haven’t. I was beginning to worry there. I’ve been around a century and a half and you were close to being as experienced as me.”

“We couldn’t have that now, could we?”

“Nope.” Spike tossed the book aside and crawled up on the table, starting a slinking crawl towards Xander. “Tell me, have you ever been bent over a library table and fucked by your Vampire lover before?”

Xander swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. “Um…n…no, I c…can’t say that I ha…have.”

Spike stopped and hovered just inches from Xander’s lips. “Well then, we’ll have to remedy that, won’t we?”

Before Xander could even nod, Spike had captured his lips in a hard kiss, pulling Xander up out of his chair and on to the table. Wooden drawers full of index cards and books went flying as Xander was laid out on top of the table and straddled by a horny Vampire. They kissed hungrily and Spike deftly opened their flies, stroking them both into full hardness. Xander thrust up into Spike’s fist and worked one hand down the back of Spike’s pants, clutching the smooth flesh.

Spike gasped and allowed himself to be groped for a few minutes before pulling away. “Now, now pet.” He held up the small tube of lube he always had in his pocket. “I promised you a good coring, now didn’t I?”

Xander grinned as he slid off the table and dropped his pants. “Where do you want me?”

“That’s a loaded question love, but for now I want you bent over this table and holding on tight.”

Xander eagerly did as bade, and soon Spike was sliding into his slicked channel. They both groaned loudly.

“Fuck Xan, you feel so good.”

Giles walked down the hallway towards the library, arms wrapped around a box of new books that had just come in. He hoped that Xander and Spike had gotten some work done today, because there would be more books in tomorrow. He walked through the door and stopped dead, taking in the mess of books and index cards scattered around the floor. Spike had Xander bent over the table and was energetically fucking him.

“Oh bloody hell! My card catalog!” Giles dropped the box of books and strode towards the couple. “What the fuck did I tell you two? Do you even see what you’ve done? The mess you’ve made? I’ve had it up to here with you both.”

So saying, Giles yanked Spike off Xander and pushed him down across the table next to his lover. The two men looked at him in surprise and shock. Giles yanked Spike’s jeans down to his ankles and began taking off his own belt. “You two stay exactly where you are. You’ve been warned again and again and now you’re going to get what’s coming to you.”

“Um…G-man? Giles? We’re sorry really, just let us clean up and…”  

“Hey Ripper, back off. Just let me take care of my boy and then we’ll…”

“Silence! Both of you!” Giles’ voice echoed around the room. Xander and Spike fell silent; twin looks of dread on their faces. Giles would have found it funny if he wasn’t so bloody furious. He held his leather belt up. “Now, you’ve both disobeyed me one too many times. You’ll take your punishment quietly, understand?”

Both men nodded. Pulling his arm back, Giles smiled coldly. “Now count them.” The leather whooshed through the air and hit bare flesh with a crack that echoed throughout the room. Xander winced and counted off the first lash, quickly followed by Spike. Giles alternated between the two, first Xander, then Spike, making sure the belt fell in the same place more than once, until the men had each counted to twenty and their asses were both cherry red.

Dropping the belt, Giles stood behind them, one hand on each man’s ass, rubbing the hot, red flesh. “Now, do you think you’ve learned your lesson?”

“Yes Sir.” Spike managed to croak out. Xander just whimpered and thrust his ass back against Giles’ hand.

Chuckling softly, Giles stepped back and began unbuckling his pants. “Spike, please return to what you were doing before I came in. And hand me the lube.”

Eyes wide Spike handed over the tube and stood up, taking back up his place behind Xander. Giles was pleased to note that both men were still hard. Giles motioned Spike forward. “Go on then.”

Spike slid back into Xander, who groaned loudly and thrust back. Giles stepped up behind Spike and leaned the Vampire forward across Xander’s back. He slicked up his fingers and gave Spike a cursory preparation. “Now, neither of you are to come until I say so, understand?”

Two heads nodded eagerly. Giles slicked the last of the lube on his achingly hard cock and nudged against Spike’s entrance. Spike pushed back against him and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like “Please.”  Grinning, Giles pushed forward and slid into Spike’s cool, tight ass. Spike was a contrast of cold and hot, cool flesh with patches of warm from the lashes Giles had given him. Gripping Spike’s hips tightly, Giles began to thrust, making sure each of his thrusts resulted in Spike thrusting into Xander as well. All three men groaned as a fast, steady rhythm was set.

Spike was panting and clutching hard at Xander as he simultaneously fucked and was fucked. One hand was bracing himself on the table and the other was clutched in Xander’s hand. Xander’s eyes were closed and he was continuously moaning and begging as the two bodies above him pressed into him and pressed him down. Giles thrust into Spike’s clenching body and tried to hold on a bit longer, but it was no use, this had been a long time coming and he couldn’t hold out against the inevitable any longer. Throwing his head back, Giles shoved himself as deep as he could get inside Spike and managed to shout, “Come, now!” before his orgasm hit and everything went white.

Spike heard Giles’ command and let himself go, a deep groan rumbling through his chest as he came.

Xander let out a choked shout as he came, emptying himself out over the table and the few, unfortunate index cards that were still trapped under him. The two men above him seemed to sink down on top of him before they all began to migrate towards the floor as their legs gave out. Xander hit the floor and sprawled gratefully, watching the pretty lights that were flashing before his eyes and trying to get his breath back.

Finally, Xander got his breath back and turned his head to see Spike sprawled beside him and Giles on the other side of Spike. The Watcher’s hair was a mess and his glasses were missing. Xander grinned. "Hey Spike? Check off number thirty-two, okay?"

“Sure thing luv. Hey Rupert?”

Giles sighed softly. “Yes Spike?”

“If you’re not busy tonight, we could use your help with a few more positions.”

“Oh dear lord.”

The End

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