Rating: R
Pairing: X/S X/S/A
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Disclaimer: Sadly Joss owns all.

Afterlife Sucks!


I can't believe I'm dead. What's worse is that I'm not dead in the buried six feet under never to resurface again way. That's right, the Xan-man is an evil blood-sucking souless vampire. Oh and the best part? I'm stuck with him for eternity! You're confused aren't you. Well it's simple really, see the soul of the person a vampire used to be gets to spend eternity watching their demon possesed body wander the earth and kill.

It was a stupid mistake that killed me. I trusted Spike. What the hell was I thinking? I let him into my apartment that night not realizing that he was different. He was always cocky and arrogant but that night he was also dangerous. I just shrugged it off figuring that he was in a mood again. Next thing I know, I'm on the floor with fangs in my neck. I never even saw him move. I still don't know what happened to his chip.

I watched as my lifeless form awoke to the bloodlust of the demon. It was not a sight I will soon forget. Of course there are alot of things I won't soon forget. Watching as Spike and vamp-me drained Willow is just one more.

I didn't even notice William at first. I was so busy watching myself and trying to deny what I was seeing that I hadn't realized I had company. When I started to scream at Spike that he was a bastard and alot of other colorful phrases, he spoke to me. In a soft cultured voice he told me that it was pointless. That I could scream for an eternity and they would never hear me. It took a few minutes of me staring at him slack-jawed and bug-eyed to figure out who he was. William and Spike look so different that it's hard to believe they shared the same body.

The worst part is watching them together. The one thing I never thought I would see is Spike naked. Worse is that I see Spike naked and riding my ass! I shudder just thinking about it. William actually laughed out loud at my reaction. Apparently, I'm still quite the funny guy.

William is a pretty nice guy, ghost, whatever. He's been doing the whole purgatory thing for a century now so he's been able to help me adjust. He says I'm much better company than Drusilla or Harmony. Dru was too quiet and scared of what she was seeing and Harmony was too concerned about what her vamp-self was wearing. I can see where that would be a new level of Hell to endure.

It's become almost routine to sit by and play commentary guy now. When they feed, when they fuck, when they fight. I make Wil laugh when I make comments on their performance. Things like scoring them from 1 to 10, or making it a contest of who can come up with the best line during their sexual escapades. I think I've been an improvement on Wil's afterlife.

Thank God they didn't turn any of the others. I don't think I could spend my afterlife watching myself fuck Willow or Buffy or God help me Giles. Yeeeck! Nope they killed them all. Even Dawn, I was saddened by her death the most. The others, they got to go on to whereever it is we go to after we die unless you get vamped that is. But Dawn, well she wasn't exactly human to begin with so she really had no soul so to speak. When vamp-me killed Dawn there was no soul to leave the body, she just ceased to exist. Poor girl.

After spending ten years with William, watching our reanimated corpses do all sorts of ungodly things to people, and each other I didn't figure anything could shock me. Boy was I wrong. Spike and Alex, that's what my vampire self goes by, decided to pay a little visit to Angel. They took him by surprise, he never stood a chance. They had some voodoo priestess remove his soul. So now, I have the dubious pleasure of watching myself get fucked by not one but two of my worst enemies.

Angel, or Liam as Wil calls him, finds this part highly amusing. I still hate deadboy, even if he is just a ghost now. The fact that he smiles everytime he hears my voice begging for Angelus to fuck him harder, it just makes me want to kill him.I always new he was a prick! So now I know what Hell is. Hell is spending my after life with Angel.

William tries to mediate between us but it's no use. We hate each other. I feel bad for Wil, we were having a pretty good time for a couple of ghosts before Angel got here. Figures, when I was alive Angel screwed up my life, now that I'm dead he's still doing it!

God, I hope someone figures out a way to resoul the bastard soon. My afterlife sucks!

The End

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