Rating: PG-13
Summary: Weird things happen in the Hellmouth, like Xander becoming a girl.
Notes: I started this story in June of 2004. Fascinating how my writing style has developed over the months.

The Weirdest Thing

by
Frk Werewolf

Xander Harris had made it all through breakfast before he realized something wasn't right. Sitting in front of the television, employment ads tossed to the side, Xander became aware. At first, he wasn't sure what he was aware of. Then it hit him as he watched Wile E. Coyote order yet another death trap on the television. And what hit him wasn't that the coyote should find another brand. No, it was that everything looked bigger. Not huge in a 'Help, I shrunk!' way, but more like his self-awareness had been rearranged.

A frown of thought on his face, Xander stood to answer the phone. His sweats felt a little tight at the hips, but he paid no attention to it.

"Hello?" Xander asked, frowning harder as a voice one octave higher than his own came out of his mouth.

"Umm... Is Xander there?" Willow's voice asked.

"This is Xander, Will." Xander insisted, looking around his room, as though wondering who stole his voice.

"Hehe, no really." Willow chuckled. "Could you put Xander on?"

"Willow, I'm..." It was at this moment, Xander walked past his open bathroom. It, sadly, gave him view of his mirror. "Holy shit, Willow, I'm a girl!"

Giles pulled off his glasses, cleaned them, replaced them, and started the process over. The rest of the Scooby Gang sat around Giles' living room staring at what they all assumed was Xander Harris. He was suddenly glad Anya had ran off with some Matchglit demon a month ago. Xander didn't think he could deal with her crude remarks.

Giles avoided looking Xander's way, digging instead in an ancient volume. Buffy and Willow stared open mouthed. Riley was bouncing between snickering and eyeing the small patch of visible stomach on a now female Harris. Boy, this was pathetic.

In all truth, everyone present couldn't deny the fact that Xander was a rather pretty girl. Mark that, sexy girl.

Xander's brown eyes seemed wider and more innocent. His hair was the same shaggy length, but it looked as though the boyish grunge look was on purpose. He still had that unique upper lip, though his lower lip was fuller. Xander's mouth was currently mid-pout. Something his delicate and yet still strong face pulled off nicely.

His body was now what one would call full-figured. He was muscular, a detail now more evident than before. His stomach was smooth, a fact Riley couldn't take his eyes off as Xander's loose shirt rode up an inch as the boy fidgeted. Xander’s hips had widened dramatically and his chest had developed into a set of large C cup breasts.

In smaller words, Xander had developed a true woman's body, all curves and strength.

Xander narrowed his eyes at those staring at him. He tugged down the largest shirt he had found, having hoped it would hide these... things on his chest. "Well?"

"You must have come into contact with something." Giles said thoughtfully. "Perhaps blood from a certain demon?"

"You tell me!" Xander threw up his hands. "Last night I helped Buffy slay that purple demon guy, then came home and slept. This morning? I'm a freakin' female!"

"Calm down, Xander." Willow said soothingly.

"Calm down?!" Xander screeched. He jumped up from the sofa, placing his hands on his hips. "How can I calm down? I'm a girl! I got boobs!"

Xander emphasized this by grabbing said breasts. Riley coughed.

"Xander, lets just start researching the demon you came across last ni-"

"Oi, don't mind me. Just came for that pint I left." A voice interrupted as the front door opened and a bleached blonde vampire sauntered in. The room fell quiet as he went into the kitchen and emerged a moment later with a blood packet in hand.

"Spike, get out of here." Buffy ordered.

"Now, now, Slayer! Don't be getting feisty." Spike stopped when he spotted Xander. Xander, still standing, kept from looking at the vampire. Spike, therefore, only saw his back. "'Ello! What have we here?"

"Spike-" Giles started.

"Not gonna introduce me to your friend, Rupes? I'm offended, I am."

"Shut up, Spike." Xander's higher than normal voice said tiredly. Spike's eyes widened as he finally caught onto the 'new girl's' scent. His mouth twitched, trying not to laugh.

"Harris?" Spike asked.

"Don't say a word, Spike." Xander ordered, turning around to face him. Spike's blue eyes slowly drifted down Xander's body and back up, leaving Xander feeling violated.

"Not bad, Xander." Spike smirked. "Or should I say Xandra?"

"Spike, it's best if you leave." Giles told him. Xander was glaring, his chest heaving with anger. Spike grinned.

"Of course. Let you brats get on with whatever you do." Spike turned to leave, before pausing at the door. "See ya later, Alexandria."

"I'm not doing it." Xander insisted. Buffy let out a long sigh. They had returned to Xander's basement, leaving Willow and Giles to research. Buffy was left with the job of helping Xander become a girl.

"You are too." Buffy told him.

"But what's the point?" Xander asked.

"Don't you want silky, smooth legs?" Buffy asked, handing the shaver to Xander. Xander stared at the blade.

"Not really." He moved to hand it back, but Buffy glared. "Buffy! Come on!"

"No, Xander. If you're going to join the land of estrogen, you are going to be a good citizen." Buffy tried not to laugh at Xander's look of disgust.

"No skirts."

"I think that can be arranged." Buffy grinned in triumph and shoved Xander toward the bathroom.

"You're going to have to buy a bra."

Xander gagged at Willow's statement. He was still dressed in a baggy shirt, but Buffy had forced him into a pair of slacks that had become much too tight at the hips and loose at the waist. His legs felt naked and he didn't want to think of the cuts. Who knew shaving your legs was so difficult?

"Oh! Shopping!" Buffy bounced.

"Do you really think-"

"Giles, he... er, she needs some clothes." Buffy interrupted. Giles decided to remain quiet.

"G-Man, you got to help me! I can't do this." Xander gave the Brit a look of desperation. Giles actually felt sorry for the young man, that is to say woman. "They're going to dress me up like a doll!"

As Xander said this, he jumped to his feet. Sadly, this caused a certain amount of bouncing. Giles’ eyes bulged and he decided it was time to clean his glasses.

"Come on, Xander." Willow said, placing a hand on his arm. "Just a few things. Jeans, a couple of shirts, and a bra. You have full choice."

"Promise?" Xander asked. He knew it was hopeless to fight it. Nothing came between the two girls and shopping.

"Hello, may I help you?" A short, petite sales associate asked. Xander opened his mouth to say no, but Buffy beat him to it.

"Yes, actually." Buffy pushed Xander to the side. "You see, we seem to be having some problems with determining my friend's size. She lived a rather sheltered life; raised by her uncles. So we really don't know what size she is... And these baggy clothes don't help at all."

"Hmm, I see." The saleswoman looked Xander over. "I think the problem may be that you're in the wrong department."

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked. "We're in the juniors department. I shop here."

"Umm... Well, you see, the thing is you are a bit... Well, a lot smaller than your friend here." The sales lady looked like she wanted to run.

"Are you calling her fat?" Willow asked. Willow turned to comfort Xander, but he was gone. "Buffy... We lost her."

"Oh crap." Buffy muttered. She turned to the sales lady and gave her a hard look. "See what you did?!"

The graveyard was dark and cold. Xander knew it was stupid to be here, pouting. But the mall was closed by now and he really didn't want to face Buffy and Willow. The truth was Xander was scared. What if there was no cure? Xander didn't think he could handle being a girl. Apparently, a fat one at that. He had already cried since leaving his friends, and that was one too many. Xander sighed. Maybe it was time to head home.

"Well, well. What have we here, boys?" A voice proclaimed. Xander looked up to see four large vampires. He knew he was in trouble just by the grins on their faces. He stood slowly.

"Uh, hey, guys!" Xander greeted, his voice coming out in a high squeak.

"Tell me, darling. What's a cutie like you doing out here?" The leader vampire asked, mocking worry.

"Nothing." Xander replied, looking for a way out. "Look, you guys don't want my blood. Honestly! I taste very bad."

"Who said anything about blood?"

Xander didn't bother to reply. He darted to the left, only to be tackled down. He fell with a yelp, the larger vampire on top of him. Xander struggled, twisting his body and kicking his legs. The vampire gripped his wrists tightly, flipping him onto his back.

"Get off!" Xander screamed. He twisted some more, but it was no use. Using the only idea he had left, Xander opened his mouth and let out a piercing scream. Then, just like that, the vampire was off him. Xander could only lay there in shock as the sounds of fighting circled around him. Then a pale, blue eyed face appeared above him.

"Come on, get up." Spike ordered. Xander slowly obeyed. Standing, Xander tugged at his shirt and stared at the ground. "Fine, don't thank me for saving your bum."

Before Xander could stop himself, he launched at Spike. Throwing his arms around Spike's neck, Xander buried his face into his shoulder. "Thank you."

"Welcome." Spike said softly, lightly patting Xander on the back. He glanced around, hoping no one was seeing this. "Well, best be off."

"Don't leave me alone!" Xander cried, tightening his hold on the blonde. Spike stiffened when he felt Xander's hot tears touch his neck. Taking a deep unneeded breath, he gently eased Xander off him.

"Come on, pet." Spike started ushering him. "You can come back to my crypt with me. Just don't tell the Slayer. Ruin my reputation, it will."

"Thank you." Xander whispered, wiping his eyes.

Xander felt a little foolish. He had acted like a pathetic girl in front of Spike. He was never going to live this down. Though, what really creeped him out was how nice Spike was being. He was all soft voices and pats on the back. Xander didn't want to admit it, but he felt safe here.

"I'm sorry about earlier." Xander said, watching Spike attempt to adjust his television reception. "You know... Crying and all. Girl thing. I really don't like it."

"Gotta admit." Spike commented. "I was shocked you'd be out on your own with you in that condition."

"Well, I wasn't." Xander replied. "That is to say before I escaped. Buffy and Willow took me shopping." Spike snorted, but Xander chose to ignore it. "Then this sales lady insulted me and I ran off..."

"What did she say?" Spike asked, though Xander couldn't tell if it was so he could comfort or make fun.

"She called me fat." Spike looked over at Xander, a look of shock on his pale face. "Well, not directly. But that's what she meant."

"Where in the hell would she get that idea?" Spike asked. Xander mumbled something.

"Pardon?"

"I am fat." Xander sighed and looked down at himself. "As a guy it's okay. Muscular and all, that's good. But as a girl? I feel ugly and huge. How do they survive like this?"

"I wonder the same thing, love." Spike gave up on his TV and sat down next to him. Xander stared. "I mean, birds are so skinny now adays. Back in my day, women were curvy and sexy as hell. Girls now are too busy trying to starve themselves."

"Whoa."

"Yeah, after Dru you would think I went for the thin ones. But Dru was different. Anyway... Why you starin' at me like that?"

"You called me love." Xander replied.

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Bloody hell, I did not." Spike stood. "I'm going to bed."

"Good night."

"Look, stop that." Spike snapped.

"What?" Xander gave a look of innocence.

"Being nice to me. Makes me nervous. Besides, I don't think you getting a chest is going to change that I don't like you."

Xander watched the vampire stomp off before smiling. The smile disappeared immediately. What was he doing? Now was not the time to indulge in fantasies. Not that he fantasized about Spike... Much. Well, truth was he fantasized about Spike a lot now that Anya wasn't sucking all his sexual energy from him. Xander sighed and thought of going home. The idea was quickly squashed when he remembered the attack from before.

Spike instinctively rolled toward the warmth. Deep in the recess of his sleep he realized there was a human in his bed. The heart beat thudded in his head, but the warmth invited him closer. He wrapped his arms around the supple, curvy body and buried his face into the human's neck.

Then the scent of the person fought his brain to half-wake. It was oddly familiar. The earthy smell of cloves. Along with the musk of sweat that belonged to a man's body, yet he held a woman. Slowly, Spike fought open his eyes. Pulling back, he saw the female. It was Xander.

Spike's mind raced, trying to figure out how Xander had ended up in his bed. He knew nothing had happened last night between them. He decided not to wake the dark headed man-made-woman. Xander's face was lax and comfortable. He looked more happy than usual. Spike sniffed the other's scent one more time before getting up. When Spike glanced back before leaving the basement, Xander had curled into Spike's side of the bed, face pressed into his pillow.

Upstairs, Spike sat down, unsure of what to do. This really wasn't a good idea. If Buffy knew that Xander was here she would stake him for sure. "Oh, sod her!"

Spike found his fascination with the Slayer shrinking day by day. Now that he saw her more, he found how annoying she truly was. Now that he really thought about it, if he was to choose one of the Scoobies it would be Xander. His good humor and smiles was something Spike hadn't had in... well, ever. It made him feel good and human.

"Bloody hell." Spike cursed. "Best get him out of here. Bloody boy-girl is making me all goodie-good."

Spike stood up, only to grab his duster and escape the crypt. He walked quickly, lighting a cigarette. The night had just awakened and he hoped to come across a demon or two. Spike desperately need to unleash some frustration.

Xander woke up cold. The nice scent surrounding him was the only enjoyable part. He was, other than that, cold and still a girl. To top it all off, he was in Spike's bed. The vampire was nowhere to be found. Xander thanked his lucky stars. He didn't recall why he'd crawled in bed with Spike, but he didn't want to see the vampire's reaction to it.

He quickly ran from the crypt, thankful Spike wasn't upstairs either. He thought of going to Giles and seeing if they'd found a cure for his female-ness. But he didn't want to face the wrath of an angry Slayer due to him running off. He considered home, but if he ran into his father he would probably end up getting kicked out. There was no way he would believe that he was his own girlfriend. Thinking about it gave him a headache.

Sighing softly, Xander walked aimlessly until he found himself in front of Willy's. Glancing around quickly, he carefully opened the door and stepped inside. It became quickly apparent that he was the only female (though the thought made him shudder with disgust) in the establishment. The various demons and a couple of vampires watched him with interest. Ducking his head, he walked over to the bar and sat down.

This wasn't his most brilliant plan, sitting in a demon bar. Willy was looking at him oddly, trying to place where he had seen him before. Xander quickly thanked God that the other bartender got to his order before Willy did. He turned his newly opened beer around in his hands and sighed once more. This utterly sucked. He was suddenly aware of his body, more than he had been yesterday.

His breasts were feeling like lead and sweat was gathering where they rested. He momentarily thought of how he should of let Buffy buy him clothes, but the idea was squashed in seconds. So, here he was. A girl. Well, it could be worse. Spike could have left him to be raped by randy vampires.

Now that was a topic he didn't want to think about again. Groaning, he let his forehead drop to the bar with a thud. No matter how much he fought it, his mind thought of the bleached blonde. When he was a man he had admitted to himself that Spike was attractive, in that annoying sort of way. After Anya had left, Xander was left to come up with his own fantasies at night. It was to his own horror that the only one he was able to conjure was Spike. Though, it made sense. All that bickering and snarkiness between them. If his mother's old romance novels told him anything, it was that he and Spike were filled with unresolved sexual tension.

But now? As a girl? Sure he'd only seen the vampire twice since his change, but that was enough. The arousal was evident, though it was so light and faint Xander briefly wondered how girl's knew when they wanted someone. So, it was with his stupid change he realized what he really wanted: Spike. Xander snorted. Well, that wasn't so bad. It could have been someone like Mr. Broody Pants in LA, instead.

Xander blinked his eyes open and yawned widely. Coming awake with a start he realized he was sleeping on a random cemetery bench. That had to of been his worst idea ever. Groaning, he stretched out the kinks in his back. Looking up at the sunny sky, he raised his hand to check his neck for any random bite marks. There was no telling who saw him sleeping there, after all.

Sighing, Xander stood and adjusted his clothing. After careful deliberation, he finally decided to go to Giles' and see how things were going on the research front. The trip was uneventful and he soon found himself knocking on Giles' door.

"Xander!" Willow screeched as she opened the door. Xander felt himself being dragged inside. Gathering his bearing he looked around to find Buffy and Giles sitting in the living room. "Where have you been? We were worried sick about you! Are you okay? Where did you go? You need a shower, sweetie."

"Umm... Sorry?" Xander asked at the bombardment of questions. He decided to ignore the jibe of his smell.

"So, where did you go?" Willow asked, sitting down with Xander.

"IgotattackedandSpikesavedmesoIstayedthenightthere." Xander said really quickly.

"Pardon?" Giles asked.

"I got attacked by some vampires who wanted to do more than bite. Spike saved me, so I stayed at his crypt for the night." Xander explained.

"What?" Buffy exclaimed. "Are you okay? Did he hurt you? I'll kill him."

"I'm fine, Buffy." Xander said, rolling his eyes. "Spike was the perfect gentleman... Which is really weird to say."

"Okay." Buffy said, though he could tell she didn't quite believe him. Ignoring her calculated look, Xander turned to Giles.

"So, did you figure anything out?" Xander asked.

"Yes, actually. It, uh, appears the effects of the demon's blood is to turn you into your opposite until you discover a hidden truth." Giles replied.

"That makes no sense." Xander said, honestly.

"Let's say you were turned into a cow." Willow began to explain. Xander gave her a look of disbelief. "No, listen! If you were turned into a cow, the hidden truth could be that you really love vegetables, even though you mostly eat meat."

"So, you're saying that I was turned into a girl, because... I like... something?" Xander said, blinking. "Guys! Oh my God!"

"Huh?" Buffy shared a look with Willow.

"Wow. The Spike thing and then the dreaming and the... tingle!" Xander said, his voice excited. "Wow, the tingle!"

"Tingle?" Giles asked.

"It's not important." Buffy told Giles, her face going slightly red.

"I can't believe this is happening to me." Xander moaned, his mood switched to unhappiness. "I'm suppose to be normal." Sighing, Xander sat down next to Willow and rested his head on her shoulder. Suddenly, he yawned. "Sleepy."

"Maybe you should go take a nap?" Willow suggested. But Xander was already snoring, curling himself closer to his best friend. Willow smiled down at him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders before turning to Buffy and Giles.

"Did he say Spike?" Buffy asked, a light suddenly going on in her head. "He said Spike!"

"You don't think that means..." Willow trail off, but her eyes widened in emphasis.

"Well, he was turned into a girl... So maybe he really likes guys?" Buffy suggested slowly. "Oh, wow. Spike? Ew! And... Wow."

"I know." Willow shook her head. "But we've got to be supportive, all right? This is Xander, after all."

"Of course. I'm support-o girl." Buffy replied. "But Spike? Oh God... That's..." Buffy paused. "Actually... That's kind of sexy."

Xander woke with a stifled yawn, his bleary eyes opening. He was in an unknown room, and it took him a moment to recognize the complete Britishness of it. His mind drift back to earlier, remembering falling asleep at Giles'. Along with why he was a girl. So, it had became apparent that he was attracted to guys. Well, honestly, Xander wasn't too surprised. He had suspected all along. And how strange was that? He hardly felt affected by the idea. Rolling over, Xander stretched.

Maybe he should go check on Spike?

The thought was barely out of his head when he realized something. The realization came slowly, a strange awareness of his own body. Blinking, he looked down.

Downstairs, Willow, Buffy, and Giles all jumped with the happy yell came from upstairs. They stared at the staircase, watching as Xander ran down them, tripped, rolled once, and jumped back to his feet, all in one clumsy movement. His face was filled with excitement, and his body ... Very much manly.

"I'm a man!" Xander exclaimed. "I don't have any boobs! Little Xander is back!"

"Congratulations." Buffy replied, stifling a laugh as Xander bounced around the room like a puppy. "And what do you plan on doing with this newfound testosterone?"

"I think..." Xander paused, blushing slightly. "I want to go see Spike."

"Bloody hell." Giles murmured in disbelief, choosing that moment to walk into the kitchen in order to avoid them. Buffy and Willow ignored the older man and smiled at Xander.

"You do that." Willow nodded.

"What... You guys aren't freaked by this idea?" Xander asked, shocked.

"Honestly? Xander, I've known you since forever." Willow told him. "You always did seem to go for the wrong sort of girl, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, but Spike?"

"He's a crude jerk-off." Buffy said honestly. "And if he hurts you I'll stake him."

"Oh... Good. See ya!" Xander darted out of the apartment, not waiting for his friends to come to their senses.

"I'm glad you're being so supportive, Buffy." Willow said, patting her friend's hand. "Never figured, huh? Spike and Xander?"

"Yeah. Spike and Xander..." Buffy's eyes widened. "God, Spike and Xander... together."

"Breathe, Buffy." Willow reminded her. "Remember to breathe."

Spike wasn't the happiest person that fine afternoon. He had returned home that morning to find that Xander had left. That shouldn't of bothered him, really it shouldn't of. But... It did. Dammit, it really did bother him that Xander up and left without saying goodbye. Spike didn't even bother to recall that he didn't say goodbye to Xander when he had stormed out the other night.

Sighing, Spike fell back onto his dusty sofa, listening to the frame creak under even his slight weight. He had just began debating a trip to the city dump, in order to find another sofa, when he heard the distant sound of panting and a heart beat. The rhythm was disturbingly familiar. Slowly standing, Spike turned toward his door as it was thrown open. An energetic mass of male Xander came bounding in, slamming the door shut before much sunlight could filter in.

"Hey, Spike!" Xander greeted. The grinning boy glanced around the room, his feet shuffling. Spike watched with interest as the happy go lucky expression slowly faded into one of nervousness.

"Where's the fire, pet?" Spike asked.

"Huh?" Xander asked, before blinking. "Oh, no fire. I just... came to show you! No longer female. Yup, pretty exciting."

"Indeed." Spike smirked. "Glad to have grown a set of knackers, eh whelp?"

"Hey!" Xander exclaimed, frowning. "I don't know what that means, but I'm so asking Giles so I can kick your ass for it."

"You'll ask the Watcher what 'knackers' means?" Spike grinned. "This I gotta see!"

"Shut up, Spike."

"Oi, you're in my house now aren't you!" Spike replied, sitting back down. "I don't recall inviting you in."

"You were a lot nicer when I was a woman." Xander told him coldly, before calmly sitting down next to him. The couch creaked ominously. Xander stared down at the sofa's cushion, a small frown on his face. "I think your frame is weakening."

"Really?" Spike feigned interest. "Well, by golly! That's amazing, whelp!"

"Shut up, Spike."

"Getting a bit repetitive in your old age." Spike commented.

"You know, I came here to tell you something and you're just being an asshole!" Xander snapped. He crossed him arms and stared forward, looking for all the world like a young man about to throw a fit. Spike looked on with a small smile, one that was barely noticeable to anyone who glanced his way.

"Alright then. What is it?" Spike asked, leaning back and looking at Xander with half closed lids. Xander gulped.

"Never mind." He said and began to struggle to stand. The sagging sofa made this slightly difficult. Next thing Xander knew he had slipped, landing heavily on the sofa. A loud crack resonated through the air.

Spike knew what was happening long before he tumbled. Taking in an un-needed breath, Spike gasped as he fell against Xander. Both men fell over the now broken sofa and onto the floor. Spike blinked, clearing his vision. He felt a warm body pressed against him, resting half on top of him. It should of been uncomfortable. Oddly, it wasn't. Slowly, Spike looked up and met Xander's eyes.

"Sorry." Xander whispered.

"'S alright, pet." Spike replied. Xander didn't get up and Spike was shocked to find himself happy with that. The weight pressed against him, the soft scent of Xander, and those chocolate eyes staring down at him. It was delicious, really. Spike, from a desire to keep Xander above him, chose to start a conversation in hopes that Xander wouldn’t notice he hadn't moved. "So, going to tell me what's what?"

"Huh?"

"You said you wanted to tell me something." Spike reminded him.

"Oh... yeah..." Xander gulped, his eyes drawn to Spike's lips. "You have the sexiest lips." Crap. Did he really say that? Xander's mind moved quickly, hoping to find some way to cover up what had just escaped his mouth. "Uhh... I mean.... Dammit."

"You smell good." Spike blurted out.

Both men stared at each other, eyes wide. Xander gulped once more. Spike took a deep breath. Then lips met lips and they were kissing. Xander didn't know if it was him that started the kiss, or if it was Spike. He supposed that it didn't matter, really. What was important was that their mouths were pressed hard against the other, tongues grazing each other. A nibble on Xander's lower lip and he soon found himself pressing his body down against Spike's.

Spike's arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him flush against him. The vampire rolled them, pulling himself on top of Xander, and began thrust his hips gently. A loud groan vibrated from Xander's chest. Finally, unable to breathe, Xander wrenched his mouth away from Spike's. "Wait. Stop."

"What?" Spike asked, frowning. "Why?"

"I just... Hell, I don't know." Xander grabbed Spike's head, bringing him back down into another kiss. Spike's lazy movement of his hips continued, moving slowly compared to Xander's frantic motions. Biting down on Spike's lower lip, Xander began trailing kissing down Spike's cheek and onto his neck. Spike moaned in response.

"God, pet, feel good." Spike breathed into Xander's ear. "Want you now."

"Want you... Wait." Xander pulled back, ignoring the look of agitation on Spike's face. "You want me?"

"'Course I do. I wouldn't be humping you into the ground if I didn't, now would I?" Spike raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, but... Do you just want me? Or do you, you know, want me?" Xander asked.

"Sodding hell, what's with the questions?" Spike growled.

"What I mean is, what is this to you?" Xander clarified.

"See you have a bit of residue from being a woman." Spike mumbled, before pulling away from Xander and sitting up. "Look, Xander, I'm not going to go and give you my undying love. Guess what? I don't love you, yet."

"Yet?" Xander tried to hide the hopefulness in his voice, but knew he failed.

"Maybe." Spike replied, giving him a soft look. The look vanished immediately, but Xander saw it.

"That's good. I'm not in love with you, either. Yet, that is." Xander broke into a wide smile. "But, until we are, I'm not putting out."

"What?" Spike's jaw dropped, sexual frustration thrumming through his body.

"Look, all of my relationships have been based on sex or some form of it." Xander told him. "I don't want that anymore."

"Great. No sex." Spike pouted. He eyed Xander. "You better be worth it, pet."

"Oh, I don't know." Xander said. "Anya use to say I was a Viking in bed."

"Viking, eh?" Spike looked the brunette up and down. "I can live with that."

"Dork." Xander said fondly.

"Happy Meal on legs."

"Fangless."

"Donut Boy."

"Bleached Wonder."

"Bloody White Hat."

"Captain Peroxide."

"Oi! It's not peroxide." Spike defended. He shuffled a moment on his feet. "Haven't used peroxide in four years.... It's Feria."

Xander's laughter could be heard three cemeteries away.

The End