Pairings: Spander, Buffy/Andrew
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Three men, a Slayer, Big Bird, kissing, and an attempt in teaching self-defense.
Note: I know, I know. Buffy/Andrew? That's psychotic, but oh well. Plot Bunnies are evil like that. The Spander is already established. Takes place during Season 7.

The Big Bird Affair

Frk Werewolf

"I'm going to kill him." Buffy announced, her arms crossed and eyes narrowed into slits. Xander glanced over his shoulder and at the slender blonde that was holding the camera, an oven mitt shoved into his back pocket. Buffy let out a slight growl. "If he points that thing at me one more time..."

"Oh, come on, Buffy. It's not that bad." Xander defended Andrew. While he didn't really care for the geek -- there was something creepy about seeing yourself, two years younger -- he had to defend a fellow Captain Archer lover.

"You didn't have him walking in on you showering this morning, camera on and pointed in your direction." Buffy hissed, before turning on her heel and storming away.

"Well, that went good." Xander commented.

"Should just leave it alone, pet." Spike's voice informed him, before a hand attempted to slip inside Xander's pants.

"Hey! Hands!" Xander squealed, looking around to make sure no one had seen. Then his eyes fluttered closed. "Oh, wow, hands."

"You, Xander Harris, are a slut." Spike chuckled into his ear, causing a shiver to run down Xander's spine. "But you're my slut, eh love?"

"You're so romantic." Xander said, sarcastically, before jerking Spike around and pressing their lips together.

"As nice as this is to look at, what with my ex-fiancé making out with the undead, I need some help in here."

"What is it?" Xander asked, pulling away from Spike in order to look at Anya. Anya rolled her eyes in frustration and waited, foot tapping on the floor. With a sigh, Xander started pulling Spike's hand out of his jeans. Spike allowed this, though he gave Anya a dirty look for her interference.

"Oh, it's nothing too serious." Anya shrugged. "Buffy's just strangling Andrew in the kitchen."

For a moment, Xander debated helping. After all, Andrew was... Well, he was Andrew. He'd probably done something to deserve it, as per usual. As of late, Andrew had taken to following Buffy around like a stalker. It reminded Xander of when Spike did that to Buffy, not to mention when Spike had done it to himself once Spike received his soul. Maybe Andrew had a crush on Buffy?

Oh, gross, that was a horrible imagine. "Spike, I just pictured Buffy and Andrew making out on top of the kitchen table. Please shoot me."


Buffy could not believe she was doing this. She had a war to plan, but here she was in a cemetery with Spike, Xander, and Andrew. Not to mention the camera. Buffy glared in Andrew's direction and the blonde smiled sheepishly and shut it off. Good boy.

Still, Andrew needed to learn to protect himself and what better way than finding a vampire and throwing him into a fight. That's how Buffy and Xander had learned. Spike had learned to fight from Angelus, though she suspected that was more dangerous than battling with a new fledge. It had been Xander's idea to bring Andrew out and train him. He seemed to believe that it would help her animosity towards Andrew. Yeah, right.

"Hey, Buff?" Xander called. Buffy turned to see that Xander and Spike were heading in the opposite direction. "We'll take care of the eastside, okay?"

"Wait! Xander!" Buffy yelled, but it was too late. Spike had thrown her that devilish grin and tugged his newest toy off to play. It was sickening and made Buffy's heart ache knowing that she could have had that with him... No, that wasn't true. They had been a mistake, plain and simple, and she wouldn't give anything in the world to take away the comfortable friendship they had fallen into.

Still, she couldn't ignore the fact that the two men looked good together. In that weird 'Oh my God, is this really happening?' kind of way, of course.

"So, what now?" Andrew asked, bouncing from foot to foot. Buffy tried not to hit him.

It wasn't that she didn't like Andrew, she just found him annoying and…annoying. With a sigh, Buffy grabbed Andrew's collar and jerked him deeper into the cemetery. "Now, we find a vampire and set you lose on him."

"Umm, don't you think we should do a few warm ups or stretches... Something? Maybe some yoga?" Andrew stammered. "I mean, this is my first time slaying the vampyres--"

"It's vampire!" Buffy interrupted. "Not vampyre."

"Still, I'm not like Chuck Norris here! I'm more into the organization part, like Tommy Lee Jones in Batman Forever--" Andrew started.

"Oh, please. First of all, that movie was an atrocity to the Batman saga. Secondly, you are no Two-Face, that's for certain. Two-Face could fight if he flipped the right coin, you're hopeless no matter what." Buffy informed him before she could stop herself. Andrew's eyes widened and then misted over in utter pleasure.

"You've seen Batman Forever. You know of the Batman legacy!" Andrew gushed.

"Well... Duh, I mean, Val Kilmer. Bruce Wayne is... Hot." Buffy managed to get out. The look Andrew was giving her was really starting to be creepy. "Stop looking at me like that!"

"Oh, sorry..." Andrew cleared his throat and blushed heavily. Buffy rubbed at her temple and contemplated suicide for the third time that night.


"Are you sure we should leave those two alone?" Xander asked, watching as Spike pried the mausoleum's door open. "Buffy looks on the verge of murder."

"Eh, they'll get angry, fight, and then shag. Everyone will go home happy." Spike replied.

"Stop! Stop talking like that about them or I will deny you sex." Xander warned. Spike looked up, eyes narrowed in thought. Xander shifted on his feet for a moment, before pushing past Spike and into the crypt. "Well, I will."

"Oh, come on, pet!" Spike chuckled, following Xander. "You know Andrew has the hots for the Slayer, it's written all over his bloody face. And you know she won't be able to hold back that aggression much longer, and with Buffy the urge the fight is always this side of sex."

"No, it's not!" Xander rolled his eyes. He jumped up onto a sarcophagus and watched as Spike walked around the room, lighting candles. The vampire raised an eyebrow at him in the flickering light. Sighing, Xander shrugged. "Okay, maybe it is. Buffy's just not the type to go after a geek like Andrew, though. If she wanted a geek then she would have taken me quite some time ago."

"Yeah, but she didn't." Spike agreed, slipping his lighter back into his duster and walking over. He slid his hands along Xander's thighs, positioning himself between Xander's legs. "Now, lets do what we came here to do."

"Don't you think it's--" Xander was briefly cut off by a light kiss. "--Weird that we come here to have--" Spike licked at his lower lip. "--Sex."

"No, because both the flat and Buffy's house is swarming with pubescent girls who would either be traumatized for life or given a year's worth of fantasies if they caught us." Spike explained, pausing to suck on Xander’s neck. "Not that I care."

"Of course you don't." Xander nodded solemnly. "You're just a big bad kitty."

"I prefer jaguar, but I think you've got the idea." Spike whispered, before pressing his lips against Xander's. Xander let out a grunt, which quickly melted into a moan as Spike's tongue took over his mouth.

"Wait!" Xander wrenched his mouth away from Spike's. "What if they are, you know, killing each other?"

"I'm sure they're fine, love." Spike insisted as he began to push Xander onto his back. "Now, let's get this moving, yeah?"


Buffy watched, both mortified and amused, as Andrew went flying into the air. For a moment, he looked like a geek that had finally gotten his dream and was able to be Superman, before reality crashed in and Buffy knew she either had to catch him or let him get a concussion. Sighing, she stepped into his path.

Her back hit a tombstone, sending a sharp sting of pain down her spine. Quickly, she shoved Andrew off of her and leapt to her feet. The fledgling vampire that Andrew had been fighting sent her a leer. Glaring, Buffy threw herself into battle. It was thrilling, riveting. She completely forgot about Andrew's presence, her mind completely focused on the task at hand.

A moment later dust was flying in the wind. Buffy smiled smugly and adjusted her coat. She turned to find Andrew gaping at her. "And that is how you slay a vampire."

"That was..." Andrew gulped. "I don't know what to say... Buffy, you are like the coolest girl ever!"

"I always thought so." Buffy agreed, with a vague smile. She let out a sigh and crossed her arms. "How about we just forget this training stuff? I mean, you're not exactly combat made--"

"Yeah, I get it." Andrew gave her a look that was worthy of any kicked puppy. Why did it suddenly make her feel bad instead of annoyed? Maybe she should stop spending so much time with Andrew, it was obviously effecting her perception of the world. "I'm kind of a stick in the mud, huh? I don't mean to be, honest! It's like when the geeky girl in all those after school specials gets caught in the cool crowd and they treat her like crap!"

"Andrew--" Buffy started.

"Not that I think you guys treat me like crap." Andrew continued. "But I don't mean to be in the way all time, really! I just want to..."

"Belong?" Buffy finished, suddenly feeling extremely bad. Andrew gave a shaky nod and looked away. Buffy sighed and walked over to him, walking around until she was facing his back. "Fine. Okay, you need to spread your legs a little--"

"Why?" Andrew squeaked.

"So you have equal balance." Buffy explained. "Do you want to learn how to fight or not?"

"Oh!" Andrew bounced on his heals slightly. "Wow! Neat! Okay, wow. This is so cool."

"Shut up before I hit you." Buffy ordered, fighting down a smile.


"Spike, stop." Xander blinked in the dim candlelight, glancing over Spike's shoulder to look at the door. Spike moaned in both annoyance and pleasure, before pushing himself up and straddling Xander's waist.

"Come on, pet, we haven't even got to the naked part!" Spike protested.

"I heard something." Xander insisted, sitting up and wrapping his arms around Spike in order to keep the vampire in his lap. "Just outside the door."

"Aw, damn, ain't that how it always goes?" Spike whined, jumping off of both Xander and the sarcophagus. "Watch it be the Slayer and her little midget lover."

"Yuck." Xander muttered, not enjoying the visions that kept appearing when Spike made those remarks. Really, Buffy and Andrew? Worst pairing idea, ever! Xander couldn't see how it was even possible. Sure, they were both blonde. Sure, they both had their dingy moments. Sure, they both had things in their past that they weren't proud of.

Well, damn. Xander was starting to see Spike's point.

"Grab a weapon, love, it's time to party." Spike hissed, pulling a sword out of one of the many hiding places the crypt offered. Much to Xander’s amusement the first thing Spike did upon taking the crypt captive was stockpile the place with weapons of every variety.

"What is it?" Xander asked, grabbing a crossbow.

"I think... Yes, I think it's a Big Bird." Spike informed him, peeking through the doorway. Xander paused in loading his crossbow.

"Big Bird."

"Yeah." Spike said. "Well, it's not really called that, but that's what it looks like."

"Let me see!" Xander dashed over and peered into the dark graveyard. A large, yellow bird looking thing was bobbing between the tombstones. Xander gaped. "I can't believe it... It's Big Bird!"

“Well, that’s what I said isn’t it?” Spike replied. He slowly pulled the doorway open and gestured for Xander to follow him. They crept alongside the crypt, watching as Big Bird stopped to smell a bouquet of flowers left on someone’s grave. The creature paused, looked around, before snatching the flowers up and devouring them. The big yellow bird let out a chirp of happiness.

“Umm, I think it’s a vegetarian.” Xander commented. “Maybe we should leave it alone?”

“Are you kidding me?” Spike hissed. “If we leave all of the plant eaters and not the meat eaters then there will be an imbalance in the ecosystem. The world would be unable to withstand life and destroy itself!”

“Okay, Spike.” Xander said, as calmly as he could. “I think it’s time you stopped watching the Discovery Channel, okay? Don’t give me that look. If you’re going to start quoting that sort of stuff in the middle of a dangerous situation then we have no choice. I’m cutting you off.”

“Bloody hell, pet.” Spike whined. “They have a special on cannibals next week!”

“Nope, don’t care.” Xander shook his head. He was rather firm about this. “If you can’t stick to the porn channels like a responsible male then there is nothing else I can do.”

“You’re no fun at all, Xan.” Spike muttered. He turned to watch Big Bird, only to sigh dramatically. “Love? We lost him.”

“What?” Xander craned his neck around, searching the cemetery. “How in the hell do you lose a big yellow bird?”


Buffy couldn’t help but notice as she slid her hands down Andrew’s back in order to help him turn appropriately that he really wasn’t as scrawny as she thought he was. In fact, if he took the time to work out then he would have that wire-like build that they showed on those preppy clothing ads. Buffy immediately pushed the thought away and took a step away from Andrew. Really, teaching self-defense didn’t require a person to stand as close as she was.

Andrew made a soft noise of disappointment, which was quickly hidden by a cough. Buffy grinned, knowing he couldn’t see her.

“Okay, now if someone is going after you from the side you’ll want to turn like this and not like this.” Buffy explained, pushing Andrew into the positions as she described them. “Otherwise you’ll fall flat on your face. Got it?”

“Yeah, sure, yup.” Andrew said, rapidly. Buffy felt herself begin to blush. Honestly, she’s had guys act this way while in a physical situation before, but for some reason with Andrew it was more endearing. Perhaps it was because up until this point she had viewed him as the token gay guy. Maybe he wasn’t as gay as she had thought.

Xander was slowly taking up that status, anyway.

“Okay, let’s try it.” Buffy announced.

“Wait, what?” Andrew asked, nervously. “Are you sure?

“Positive.” Buffy said, walking around and facing Andrew. Andrew eyed her, before gulping and giving a slight nod. Buffy couldn’t help but think he was being very brave. She pulled herself into a fighting stance. “Ready?”

“I, uh, suppose?” Andrew replied.

Buffy took a deep breath and threw herself at Andrew. For a moment she thought he was going to panic and run the other direction. Then he shocked her by grabbing her shoulder and turning in the exact formation she had just taught him. The effect caused her to tumble, but she automatically took hold of his shirt and brought him down as well. He landed on top of her, a solid weight that easily fit against the curves of her body.

“That was…” Buffy started, rather breathlessly. Andrew pushed himself up with his arms, his face hovering above hers. “Good. You did good.”

“Really?” Andrew beamed and Buffy knew that he would have been bouncing with excitement if standing.

“Yeah.” Buffy nodded. “You’re, uh, a good student.”

“Thanks, Buffy.” Andrew said, softly. Buffy could see his face starting to turn red.

Did he even realize he was still on top of her? Most guys would have already taken advantage of the moment, but Andrew was oblivious—more concerned with praise than feeling up the Slayer.

“Oh, shoot.” Andrew’s eyes widened and he started to move. “I’m so sorry. I should get off of you—“

“Andrew—“ Buffy started, watching as Andrew rose to his knees. Then, impulse took over. Using his shoulders as leverage, Buffy pulled herself up and kissed him. Andrew stiffened above her, unsure of what to do. Buffy forced herself to pull away. “I—“

“Wow.” Andrew breathed, eyes wide.

“Yeah?” Buffy started to smile. Andrew gulped and leaned forward slightly. Sliding her arms up in order to hook around his neck, Buffy met his lips once more. Then, just as Andrew’s lips shyly parted for her tongue, a chirp cut through the night.

“Uh, Buffy?” Andrew asked, nervously. They both stared at the creature a few feet away. “Is that really--?”

“I think it is.” Buffy shrugged. “I guess it was only a matter of time that we encountered Sesame Street… I always thought those Muppets were demons.” Buffy watched as Andrew got to his feet and smiled when he gave her his hand in order to help her up. Standing, Buffy watched as Big Bird picked a twig off of a large oak tree and waved it around. “I wonder if it’s dangerous.”


“What is it doing?” Xander asked as he and Spike crouched behind a large tombstone. Spike frowned and shook his head, before calmly reaching over and groping Xander’s arse. “Spike!”

“What?” Spike asked, innocently. Xander rolled his eyes.

“Spike, please concentrate.” Xander said. “There is a large bird running through Sunnydale, eating flowers and leaves. Now Big Bird is in yet another cemetery—which, may I point out, was Buffy’s patrol domain tonight and she is nowhere to be found—dancing under the quarter moon with an oak twig and… Is that parsley?”

“Maybe he’s doing a ritual or something?” Spike suggested, clearly as lost on the subject as Xander was. Spike narrowed his eyes and started to stand. “Hey, there she is.”

“Who? Buffy?” Xander asked, hopefully.

“You know, I’m starting to think that you don’t trust me to keep you safe anymore.” Spike pouted, though the pout was fake and only there to annoy Xander. “It’s Buffy this and Buffy that. If I didn’t know that she was wanting a piece of Andrew’s scrawny arse then I’d be worried.”

“You’re being dramatic.” Xander informed him. “Come on, let’s circle around to Buffy.”

They made their way around the gravestone, Big Bird ignoring any movement around itself. Xander was nearly so caught up in watching the large thing wobble back in forth in some sort of dance that he almost walked right past Buffy and Andrew. He made it about three grave-rows away before Spike took it upon himself to grab his arm and drag him back over.

“So. Big Bird.” Was Buffy’s greeting. “Do you think it’s real?”

“Please let it be some bored guy in a suit.” Xander said.

“If only.” Spike agreed, shaking his head. Big Bird had started to chirp in a strange melody, which wasn’t at all in tune with its dance.

“I don’t really want to attack it.” Buffy admitted. “It’s not really doing anything.” Much to Xander’s shock Buffy turned to Andrew. “Do you have any suggestions?”

Andrew didn’t answer for a moment, his eyes narrowed as he watched the bird. “Umm, guys?”

“What?” Spike snapped. Xander reached over and rubbed his boyfriend’s back, feeling Spike nearly melt under his ministrations. Xander had to pity the poor vampire. After all, he had been about to get laid when Big Bird showed up.

“I think…” Andrew blushed when he noticed that they were actually paying attention to him. “If I’m translating right, that is, then I think it’s praying.”

“Where did you learn to speak Big Bird?” Xander asked. Andrew mumbled something. “Huh?”

“I said I watch Sesame Street… Sometimes.” Andrew replied. He flinched at the looks Spike and Xander threw at him. Buffy appeared to be trying not to laugh. “I said sometimes!”

“Fine, okay.” Xander raised his hands. “So, what’s it praying about?”

“Umm, just a minute.” Andrew turned back toward Big Bird, tilting his head to hear well. “Okay, it’s asking the god of children’s entertainment—who I think is Norse—if it could help them boost their ratings and beat Barney.”

“You’re kidding.” Buffy said. “Barney?”

“Yeah.” Andrew nodded.

“I knew it!” Buffy hissed under her breath. “Demons are taking over television!”

“Well, that’s that.” Spike said, before Xander could join Buffy in mourning the destruction of American’s greatest joy: television. He knew, after all, that this conversation would entail him informing them that television had actually been created by a demon. That was not a conversation he wanted to have. Spike grabbed Xander and pulled him close. “We had things we were in the middle of, so we’ll see you later, okay?”

“But—“ Xander started. Spike leaned over and whispered something in his ear, causing his eyes to widen and cheeks to flush. “Oh, well… Yeah, we’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Sure.” Buffy gave a small wave. “We’ll, uh, continue our self-defense lesson at home, right Andrew?”

Andrew blinked at her, eyes widening when Buffy winked. Xander watched them a moment, before shuddering and allowing Spike to drag him back to their crypt. Sometimes it was best to simply not know about his friends’ sex lives.

The End

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