Rated: R for Content
Parings: Spike & Xander
Word Count: 2,683 Posted: 7/22/04
Setting/Spoilers: BtVS Summer 4/5 or early 5
Themes: Drinking, Bad kissing decisions, Slash

Bugger Me


“Hey, Spike. Wanna shoot a game?”

Spike looked up at Xander and around the Bronze from his seat at the bar. “Where’s Buffy and the Buffyettes?”

“Riley’s out of town so the girls are monopolizing Buffy. You know. Chocolate, chick flicks, man bashing.”

“I can imagine the dialog,” Spike sneered. “‘Oh, Buffy. Tell us all about how solider Cardboard is in bed.’“ he mocked in a girly voice. “’I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, Willow. Can you give me a spell to make him do something other than missionary?’”

Xander laughed too loud at Spike’s observations and gestured to the empty pool table. “So, ya wanna?”

Spike wondered at Xander’s underlying nervousness, but shrugged, grabbed his beer, and got up to follow. “Play for the round?” Spike said as Xander racked the balls. It was their usual bet.

Xander shrugged. “Sure.”

Spike broke, sinking two solid balls. He ran three more before standing back and eyeing Xander as he drained another beer. “Your shot, Harris.”

“Yeah. It is. You know, you’re a real good player, Spike.”

“I’ve had plenty of practice.” Spike only had time to grab a quick sip of his beer before Xander scratched and it was his shot once again.

Spike easily won three games in a row and Xander drank four more beers before Spike confronted him. “This isn’t so much of the fun, Harris. If you want to play pool, play pool. If you want to drink yourself into a coma, let’s free up the table, and go elsewhere.”

Xander set his cue aside, ran his hands over his hair, and heaved a great sigh. “Spike. I want to talk to you.”

“So talk,” Spike said, wondering what this whelp could have to say to him which took so much alcoholic courage.

“Not here.”

“Want to take it to the balcony?” Spike waggled his eyebrows, implying one of the well-known make-out spots.

“Um. No." Spike cocked an eyebrow at Xander's blush. "Let’s… let’s go to the Magic Box.”

“So it’s something you’re serious about, then?”

“Yes,” Xander sighed, running his hand through his hair yet again. “Please.”

“Don’t go all puppy dog eyed on me. I’ll spare you a little of my time.”

Both men were silent as they walked across to the Magic Box. Xander was preoccupied, and Spike kept up his habitual alertness. Spike could clearly tell the boy was distraught about something, and anything that caused discomfort to any of the Scoobies was of interest to him. He could smell anxiety and a bit of arousal on the boy.

Once there, Xander let them in with Anya’s key and locked the door behind them. Wordlessly, he went behind the counter, came out with a bottle of whiskey from under it, led them to the training room, switched on a dim light there, and sat on the couch. Xander waved him to sit on the couch beside him, opened the bottle, took a big drink, and passed it to Spike.

“What is it, Xander? Want to consult me on decorating tips?” Spike tipped up the bottle and sipped. It was some of Giles’ stock and smoother than what he normally bought.

Xander disrespected the liquor and gulped again. “You’re an interesting guy, for a vampire, Spike.”

“Yeah…” Spike said cautiously.

“I mean, you’ve been all over the world and done… lots of things.” Xander had kept the bottle and pulled at it again.

Spike just cocked an eyebrow and waited for the now very tipsy boy to get to his point.

“Over the years. A hundred and twenty some. Wow. You’ve been…” Xander trailed off and drank yet again.

“Come on, Harris. You want to write my biography? Not that I’m not grateful for free drinks, but what’s going on?”

Xander put the lid on the bottle, sat it on the floor and leaned in toward the vampire, motioning him to lean closer. Glad to have the end of this probably trivial drama in sight, he slid closer.

“It’s… this.” Before Spike could react, Xander was kissing him, hard and urgent on the lips, his hands cupping his face. Xander had just seconds to feel the soft lips pressed under his before he felt the shape of Spike’s face change, the lips open, and fangs rip into his lip.

With a snarl, Spike threw Xander back on the couch and flung himself away, clutching his head as the chip fired off a painful shock. “Bloody, hell, Harris. You should know better than to attack me like that.”

Xander lay against he arm of the couch, with the back of his shaking hand pressed to his bleeding lip. “I didn’t…”

“You didn’t think! That might work with the girls, but never. Attack. A Vampire.” Spike took a deep breath and shook off the demon features. He ran a thumb over his lips and sucked off the bit of Xander’s blood that clung there. He forced his breathing to slow and looked over the man on the couch. “Sod it, Harris, you look like you’re about to cry. This can’t be the first time you’ve been rejected.”

“Actually, it is.” Xander said, boldly.

“So that move does work with the girls? Or with the blokes?” Spike sneered.

“First time I’ve ever tried it,” Xander mumbled, embarrassed now that the scare had sobered him a bit. “First time I’ve been rejected like that.”

“Bloody hell.” Spike ran a hand over his head as if to sooth away the last of the pain and sat beside him again. He’d gotten himself into this by following the boy. Now he had to look after the sot so Buffy wouldn’t stake him. “Let me see that.” Spike pulled Xander’s hand away and looked over the cut on his lip. Resisting the urge to lick away the beading blood, Spike fetched the first aide kit and opened it on his lap. “It’s not bad. Could’ve been much worse. Lucky for you I resisted. I could’ve bitten your lip off.”

“Sorry,” Xander mumbled, a bit scared and not meeting the blue eyes close to his own.

“That would have messed up your pretty face right quick.” This did make Xander look to the vampire’s eyes only to find wicked humor twinkling there. Angry instead of scared now, Xander looked away again. Carefully, Spike dabbed away the blood and applied a butterfly bandage to hold the cut closed. “Try not to lick that and work on a good story to tell the girls.” Spike said as he put away the kit.

Xander stopped probing the band-aid with his tongue and idly wiped the blood off his hand. “Thanks.”

Spike scooped up the bottle, plopped down on the far end of the couch with his back against the arm, and bent one leg up on the seat, strategically making distance between them. He screwed off the top of the bottle, took a drink and handed it to Xander. “What’s this all about, Harris?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I want you.” Xander took the bottle but would not look at Spike.

“So how long have you been gay, anyway?”

“What? No! I’m not gay.” Xander glared over at Spike.

“So you just developed a thing for vampires all at once?”

“No. It’s not that.”

“Come on. You brought me here to talk, so talk. You’ve already kissed me. What can you say that I could hold over you more than that?” Spike watched with enjoyment as the boy flushed an even deeper scarlet.

The bottle made its back and forth path three more times before Xander brought up the courage to speak his mind. “Well… Anya recently talked me into… anal sex. With her. For her. But I’d never done that before… And I wanted to know… how.”

“Sorry mate. I’m an ‘exit only’ kind of guy. If I went for guys at all, which I don’t.”

“Not wondering what it would be like with you. Wondering what it feels like to…”

“Oh. I get it now. Want to be the fucked and not the fucker.”

“Yeah,” Xander admitted with a sigh. “She wanted me to and I… I couldn’t. I was afraid I’d hurt her. Anya keeps saying if I had even once ‘taken it like a man’ as sta… ste… as they say most men have at least once… I would know how to please her. She won’t let it go. You know how she goes on.”

“So you just thought you’d go out and loose that pesky cherry for your bird?”


Spike twisted up an eyebrow and contemplated the drunken man. “You must really love her, Mate.”

“I do… I really do. Like none other.” Xander sighed and apparently contemplated an invisible and most likely naked Anya floating on the ceiling.

Spike was having fun now. He would have plenty to goad the boy with. “What made you think I like blokes, anyway?”

“Huh?” Xander brought himself back to the lean form in leather. “Well. I always thought vampires would do anything, anyone for pleasure. I mean, after being around so long, missionary has to get old, I’d think. And, well, the way you talk abut Angel. How close you were, and you call him Peaches and a poof all the time…”

“God no!” Spike exploded. “Angelus guided me, taught me, shaped me. He did not fuck me! I never fucked him! Do you fuck your parents? Your favorite teacher? Giles? Women only, Mate! And never Angel!”

“Sorry,” Even though Spike remained slumped in his corner, Xander cringed from the anger in Spike’s voice.

Spike drank and passed the bottle back, letting the silence grow a bit before taking pity on Xander. “So why me?”

“Why you?

“Yeah. It’s a simple enough question. Healthy boy like you could go out and pick up any bloke you wanted.”

Xander blinked at this apparent compliment from Spike. “You think so?”

“Sure.” Spike liked keeping the half-drunk boy off balance. “So why me? It’s my dashing good looks innit?”

“Well, you’re the only guy I’m… around, but not at work.”

“That’s it? That’s your only criteria? Why not Giles? He’s an attractive, giving man who would be glad to… educate you. I bet he’s had his statistical time or two at boarding school, after all.”

“Ew! Now that you put it that way I get what you said about Angel now. The thought…” Xander shuddered.

“Come on, Harris… Let uncle Spike know…”

Xander squinted at the goading vampire. “You’re handsome, all right? There’s not a bit of fat on you anywhere and you’ve got the greatest arms I’ve ever seen on a guy and you really shouldn’t hide your body under that coat all the time.”

Spike threw back his head and laughed at Xander’s outburst. “Now it’s out in the open. I always knew you had a thing for me.”

“I do not.” The bottle made two more passes and was more than half empty. “Well, we once played ‘who would you do’ in high school and the only one we all agreed on was you.”

“Really? Who was all of you?”

“Me, Buffy, and Willow. And Oz. Cordelia had to go home and wash the snake out of her hair.” Spike quirked an eyebrow. “It was our post-blowing up the high school drunk. They, the girls, were determined to find some guy I’d agree I’d sleep with and I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, so I chose you.”

“The Slayer and the witch would both do me?” Spike asked smugly.

“They were quite drunk. Oz would do you, too, he said. Of course, he’s so laid back, he’d just say ‘sure’ or ‘no.’”

“I’m flattered,” Spike said dryly.

“And I refused under any circumstances to agree to Angel.”

“You chose me over Angel? Thanks. Mate.”

“Well. Buffy wouldn’t kill me if I slept with you.”

They sipped their whiskey in silence for a bit.

“Would you do Riley?” Spike asked in a fit of meanness.

Xander squinted at the bottle and let the idea sift through his fuddled brain. “Oh, I might do him, but I’d never let him do me.”


Xander shrugged and threw his hands wide. “Too big.”

“You’ve seen it? Is that why Buffy keeps Herman Boring around? ‘Cause if big is an issue, I could scare you, boy.”

“Seen?” Xander asked, confused. Spike rolled his eyes and pointed at his crotch. “Oh, no. I don’t know about that.” Xander shook his head a couple of times before deciding what a bad idea that was. “I mean, he’s taller than Giles, even. The guy’s a wall. I wouldn’t want that… behind me.”

“So. I’m less physically threatening.”

“Yes. No. You’re a vampire after all. And that’s burr. But you’ve got narrow hips and long fingers…” Xander trailed off and ran his eyes over Spike’s lean body.

“And pretty eyes. Okay, Harris. It’s time to get you home. I don’t want you mooning around after me.” He stood, took the bottle from Xander, and put the lid back on, thinking how annoyed Giles will be when he discovers the nearly empty bottle.

“But, my problem. I still want to know how. I can take it like a man. Come on. Just once, You can pretend I’m a girl…” Xander leered at Spike and reached for his belt buckle.

“Oh, no. Not on my worst of days.” Spike slapped Xander’s hands away and hoisted the boy up. “And I don’t think that’s what that phrase means.”


Spike drew Xander’s arm over his shoulder and got him moving toward the door. “Not to sound like Dr. Ruth…”


“Never mind. Here’s what you do. Go to the little shop on vine…” Spike got Xander the front door and reached for the knob.

“Unmmen…untion… mentionables?” Xander slurred.

“Unmentionables. That’s the one.” Spike maneuvered them out the door and pulled it closed behind them.

“Make sure it’s locked…” Xander muttered as responsibility and fear of Anya’s wrath poked through his fog.

Spike tested the door and steered them toward Xander’s apartment. “Buy a strap-on dildo and harness. I bet Anya would love to do some vengeance on your ass.”

“But, we go in there all the time. Anya likes… They’d know. They’d look at me… They’d laugh.”

“Bugger that. That’s one of the least kinky things they sell. Take a good look around while you’re in there. The shop clerks don’t care. I’ve been friends with a number of them over the years. Used to be sex shops were the only things open all night.”

“What else is open all night?” Xander slurred.

“Why? You want to party some more ‘cause I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Is um… unmen…”

“Yeah, they’re still open.”

Xander stopped them and swung around to face Spike, putting his hands on the vampire’s shoulders. “Let’s go. I’ll wait outside and you go in and buy me what I want. I got's some money.”

Spike shook his head at the drunken man. “Oh, no. I don’t care beans for your reputation, but I’m not about to sully my image by being seen buying toys for a human pet. Now, am I going to help you get home or shall I head to my own comfy crypt and leave you out in the big dark by your drunk self?”

Xander squinted at Spike before leaning in and resting his forehead against Spike’s. “Why’re you so good to me? I knew you’re the right choice.”

"I don't want Buffy or Anya dusting me because something thought you a tasty morsel." Spike got Xander out of his face, his arm over his shoulders and started dragging him towards his apartment once more. “Come on. I just hope you forget most of this tomorrow. I certainly will.”

“So I should ask Anya?”

“Yeah. Leave me out of it completely and talk to her about it.”

“You won’t fuck me, but you’d still bite me, though, wouldn’t you, Spike?”

“Sure. You’re all marinated and I’d get a good buzz off you at least.”

Xander peered around the empty foggy street and hugged the vampire’s shoulders. “Spike, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

“Not bloody likely, Mate. Not bloody likely.”

The End

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