Many thanks to cordelianne for beta-reading, and for helping me out when I got stuck on a difficult letter. Rated... hmm, probably FRM.
The Multiple Pairings of Xander Harris
A is for Anya, a good place to start,
She held and will hold pride of place in Xan’s heart.
Her outspoken bluntness was not to all’s liking,
But she made it canon that Xander’s a Viking!
B is for Buffy, the first crush we see,
And (rumour has it) the one meant to be.
They’re White Knight and princess, all set to discover
That often the best friend will make the best lover.
C for Cordelia, who introduced groping,
And closets, and cheating, and guiltily moping.
She fell for him then, and now her demon half
Finds Xander magnetic. He still makes her laugh.
D is for Dawn, in my mind – though you may
Favor Darla, Drusilla, or Devon. They say
Even Dracula couldn’t resist Xan’s appeal!
But I think that Dawn’s crush matured, and was real.
E stands for Ethan, chaotic and random.
He’s usually paired with the Watcher in fandom,
Yet late-series Xander might interest the mage:
He’s set to release Xander’s darkness and rage.
F is for Faith, and for Xander’s first time.
It didn’t last long and it wasn’t sublime,
But she’s back in S7, reformed yet still hot –
You bet he’d be keen on those mad skills she’s got.
G is for Giles, not as staid as he seems,
If daddy’s your kink, here’s the pair of your dreams.
Let Giles unleash Ripper and hang out in leather;
They can rebuild the Council of Watchers together.
H is for Harmony. Back in the day
She’d never have wanted poor Xander that way.
Now vamped and rejected and wandering the night,
She thinks he looks tasty – though sad in a fight.
I for Illyria, who once ruled in hell,
Now conquered and limited, bound in a shell.
Both damaged, both lonely, both fearing to mourn,
They’ll learn how to live in the world post-Black Thorn.
J is for Jesse and teenage confusion,
Two puppy-dog boys working through the delusion
That Sunnydale’s normal and they’re “just good friends”,
Some kissing, mild petting – then sadly, it ends.
K stands for Kendra (‘cause Kennedy’s out),
Throwing the Slayer line into some doubt,
She needs help adjusting to Sunnydale High;
All-American Xander is surely her guy.
L is for Liam, in whatever guise,
Whether Angel, Angelus, or Auld Irish Eyes.
He’s “buff” and “attractive”, so Xander has said,
With two hundred plus years of experience in bed.
M is a tough one. The options are few:
The Mayor or the Master – and can I say “eww?”
Please let me know if you think of a better,
Else Xan/Mr Trick fic will finish this letter.
N takes us back to our boy’s early days,
When Natalie French used her insectile ways
To lure him and others for purposes lewd;
He narrowly missed being she-mantis food.
O stands for Oz with his multi-hued hair.
Wolf and hyena, an interesting pair,
Hanging out in the van on those long summer days
Smoking and dreaming in post-coital haze.
P is for Penn – for a really dark tale,
Explore the sick mind of this Aurelian male.
Though sodomy’s evil, our sweet dark-haired slut
Makes Penn yearn to taste him, and have him – and cut.
Q and Picard feature large in Xan’s dreams,
Though in Sunnydale there is no “Q”, it seems.
For sexy Trek role-playing, Andrew’s your man.
(I can’t write Andrew, but maybe you can.)
R is for Riley. They’re so gosh-darn cute!
They look equally good in fatigues, or a suit.
They’ll bond over being the two Scooby norms,
Once Riley’s recovered from Maggie’s “reforms”.
You all know my OTP – S stands for Spike,
With snark, smirks and banter, façade of dislike,
When really they’ll fuck against anything stable.
Blond and cerulean, chocolate and sable.
T is for Tara. She’s quiet and shy,
But her heart it is warm, and her wit, it is sly.
She’s not much for men, but still, she’s not blind;
He deserves someone like her, supportive and kind.
U stands for underlings, Bringers of doom,
They’d lock up poor Xan in a nice hotel room.
What can I say? He’s a demon attraction!
(He’s also a hit with the Ubervamp faction.)
In a houseful of girls, Xander nearly went mad
From sex deprivation (which was of the bad.)
V is for Vi, with potential galore,
Who came to his bed just to get off the floor.
W for Willow, who’s always been there,
From crayons to demons, through joy and despair.
Though if Xan’s “gay me up” speech inspired her to spells,
It might just be Wesley who gets wedding bells.
X is for… Xander! Toth’s stick gave us two!
Imagine their kiss – they’d know just what to do…
Or one in a hardhat and one in a dress…
(And I won’t even mention twincest RPS.)
Y is for… you. Oh, come on. Mary-Sue it!
Write us a story where you and Xan do it:
The beauteous OC who plays such a key part
That s/he wins Xan’s devotion, his body and heart.
Z has me stumped, but I hope you’ve had fun
On this ride through the alphabet, picking the one
To pair up with Xan in the next fic you write.