"So, tell me again why we have to wear soddin' tux's to go to Willow's?"  said Spike, trying to tie his bow tie for the third time.  Xander stood behind him, and tied it perfectly in 10 seconds flat.

Xander sighed.  "You know damn well Spike, as you were the one who accepted the 'bloody invitation'!  Buffy is having a formal dinner to celebrate Willow's birthday, and you promised we'd attend.  In tuxedos.  And while we're on the subject of tuxedos, you still owe me for getting mine dry-cleaned."  He sat back down at the kitchen table and picked up his beer.

"But that was an accident, pet,"  said Spike.  The microwave 'pinged', and he opened it, taking out his mug of blood.  He walked over to the fridge and leaned against it, sipping the hot liquid.

"You threw a kipper at me, Spike.  A disgusting, smelly kipper."

"I did not!  It slipped off the plate.  Anyway, you were the one who wanted to stop off for an early breakfast on the way back from Dawn's reception,"  protested Spike.

"And that wasn't the only stain I had to remove, Spike.  And the other one was totally your fault!"

"You enjoyed it, though," said Spike, smirking.

"Spike - you unzipped me and jerked me off.  While we were sitting at the Bridal table.  In front of 300 guests!"

"You were looking really tense, luv, what with having to do the Father of the Bride bit an' all.  You needed to relax.  I was only trying to help."

"You were only trying to help...  From now on Spike, do me a favour.  Don't help.  It never helps when you help.  I thought I would die from embarrassment."

"'s OK Xan, most people just thought you were choking.   Anyway, you were covered by the tablecloth.  Nobody could see a thing, and it's not like you tried very hard to stop me," said Spike, grinning evilly.  He added,  "The Bit knew, though.  She winked at me.   Could hardly miss it, really, as she was sitting next to you.  Had a ringside seat, so to speak."

"Oh god,"  groaned Xander, "she was, wasn't she.  I forgot!   I'll never be able to look her in the face again.  And I was drunk, Spike.  Very, very drunk and you took advantage of me."

"Didn't seem that far gone to me, Xan.  Anyway, the Bit wasn't worried about it.  Said it was sweet, and slipped me a dollar.  Told me to buy a condom to use next time so you don't mess up your tux."

Xander's head fell forward, and he pounded his forehead repeatedly on the tabletop.  He sat up and glared at his lover.

"That's it, Spike.  I am never coming anywhere with you again."  Seeing Spike's smile,  and his raised eyebrow, Xander re-ran his last words through his head.  "I'm almost positive I could have phrased that better,"  he said.  Spike chuckled.

"I don't know what you're going on about.  I swear, almost nobody else noticed a thing.  And Dawn took the camera off Willow and destroyed the video, so there's no evidence any more.  At least the Witch had the good grace to blush when I caught her recording your orgasm for posterity."

"Wills was recording it!  Oh my god!  I will never live this down.  And she and I are going to be having words about this... or maybe not.  I really have no idea how I'd go about starting that conversation."  Xander sighed deeply.  "Jeez, I'm 34 years old, Spike.  I thought my life would be normal by this age, y'know.  And I try, I really try.  But our friends think I'm a total pervert - and it's completely your fault."

"My fault?  What on earth do you mean?"  said Spike, failing completely in his attempt to look innocent.

"The things you do Spike - and the things you don't do."  He looked at the vampire meaningfully.  "For example, Buffy and Willow were in our kitchen this morning gathering extra bowls and stuff for tonight's dinner,  but you didn't bother telling me.  I only found out when I came into the kitchen and found the note that said you told them they could drop by, as long as it was early.  And you know what you did to me early this morning.  As soon as they walked in the door, I'll bet."

Spike smiled in remembrance of their passionate coupling. "Forgot, didn't I.  And anyway, how was I supposed to know exactly when they got here?"

"You would have heard them as soon as they came in the door.  You are a vampire after all, with the super-vamp hearing-y thing."

"Now how could I hear anything, pet?   Lost in the moment, wasn't I.  And besides, someone was shouting 'yeah, Spike, more, harder, fuck yeah, just like that' down my delicate ear, weren't they?"

Xander crossed his arms on the table and sunk his head down into them.  "Oh jeez - please tell me they didn't hear that."  Spike just grinned at him.  Xander looked up, pinning the vampire with a stern gaze.  "You planned it, didn't you.  You, Spike, are a total, complete and utter bastard.  And you are totally wrecking my life, you know that, don't you."

Spike put his mug down on the kitchen bench and walked around behind Xander.  He bent down and wrapped his arms around him.  "Yeah, I know,"  he said, "but you love me anyway, eh?"  Xander turned his face towards Spike, and sighed.  "Yeah, yeah I do.  I have no idea why, but I do."  And kissed him, gently.

Spike straightened up, glancing at the clock.  "Time we were heading off, Xan.  The girls asked us to get there a bit early to help out.  Grab your jacket and let's go."

Spike snagged the car keys on the way out of the apartment. And despite his vow to never attend another social occasion with the vampire ever again, Xander found himself following him out, shrugging on his jacket.  Spike was whistling a tune as they walked to the car.  He'd been whistling it for days now, and it was driving Xander crazy.

"What the hell is that song you keep whistling?" he asked as they got into the car.

"What?" asked Spike as he started the engine.  "Oh, song.  Yeah, it's called 'Istanbul not Constantinople'.  First heard it in the 1950's.  Then a band called  'They Might be Giants' released a version of it towards the end of the last century sometime.  Good, innit?"

"No, it's bloody annoying."

"No really, it's good.  I'll sing it to you..."

And as Xander headed off for another evening that was bound to end in him being placed in some embarrassingly compromising position or other by his lunatic of a lover, he couldn't help smiling to himself.  He wouldn't miss a second of it.

The End

This was written in answer to Yindagger's Birthday Fic Challenge.

Must be S/X and include at least 3 of the following:

1. A situation where one character owes another some
    drycleaning – for whatever reason
2. The following snippet of dialogue: “Don’t help. It never helps
    when you help.”
3. Hidden sexual contact in a room full of people
4. A They Might Be Giants song
5. The passing of a $1 bill between two people – for
     whatever reason
6. A fish
7. The number 34
8. The following snippet of dialogue: “I’m almost positive I
     could have phrased that better.”
9. A camera
10. Someone blushing

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