Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG13
Feedback: Mys has decided that she actually likes FB, so… constructive crit is fine, just be prepared for Mys to defend/explain her choices, and try not to do any permanent damage, k.
Disclaimer(s) can be found here
Warnings/Squicks: vamp!Jesse, complete buggering of cannon
Summary: Anya and Wills decide to "fix" Xander's love life. Spike does NOT approve. – remember I suck at summaries, lol Written for [info]spring_with_xan
: The title and the nicknames Spike and Jesse use for each other come from My Best Friend is a Vampire.

A Practical Guide to an Alternative Lifestyle

Cobalt Mystic

The tall lanky teen sauntered into the crypt like he owned it, but he didn't. Even so, he went straight to the small fridge, pulled out two bags of blood and popped them in the microwave.

"What the hells do you want Capello?" a snarky, shirtless, bed headed Spike- complete with cigarette hanging carelessly from his lips- demanded as he emerged from the lower level of his crypt.

"What's it look like Bleach for Brains?" the boy countered, pouring up both bags of blood in two separate mugs.

"Makin' yourself at home in another vamp's crypt is what it looks like," the blonde quipped taking the proffered mug and raising it in salute.

"Yeah, well, manners weren't big in my family- either of them," the teen added pointedly.

Spike, chuckled, settling into his chair, "Yeah, Darla never was big on personal space."

Jesse nodded, "But she did look hot in that schoolgirl outfit!"

The older vampire rolled his eyes. "Seriously, what do you want? Shouldn't you be entertaining your demon bint?"

Jesse licked a blood mustache from his mouth, "Actually, no. Anya and Wills decided they needed to have a heart to heart with the Xan-man and as a source of supplemental testosterone I was banned."

The blonde vampire went surprisingly quiet at the news that his boy was being grilled by two of the most demanding and relentless women he'd ever known. Catching himself before his mind wandered too far, "Hmph, that boy needs all the extra testosterone he can get." Spike began to get up, "Well, best mount a rescue hadn't we?"

"Why?" Jesse made no move to join the older vamp, "They'll just talk his ear off, probably get the name of someone they can try to set him up with. Then go out for milkshakes, maybe a burger. All done- the girls will feel like they accomplished something, Xan'll get chocolate and food, and we get a vamp's night out. Where's the problem?"

"How 'bout that the chits 're sticking their noses where they don't belong?"

"Somebody's touchy." Jesse quirked an eye, "Something you wanna share?"

The blonde growled as much for show as in annoyance. "Not with you."

Smirking, the darker vamp prodded the blonde, "So it's got nothing to do with our resident Demon Magnet being as bent as a Bohemian battleaxe?"

Spike eyed the other vamp with a cross between curiosity and disgust, "You don't even know what a Bohemian battleaxe is, do you?"

"Nope, but it sounded good," Jesse wiggled his eyebrows playfully, gaining an eye roll in response.

A quiet moment passed between the two.

"You noticed then," Spike remarked- more a statement than a question.

"Pfft, how could I not? I lived with him, remember."

Spike thought about that, then asked seriously, "You think he knows?"

Jesse shook his head, "He's starting to suspect."

"Git could get a bloody move on."

"Ha! I knew it!!" The darker vampire gloated, "You want him."

"Shut up Capello," the older demon snarled.

"Sure thing, Modoc," he smirked, "soon as you admit it."

"Not gonna happen."

"Suit yourself." Jesse leaned back humming the K-I-S-S-I-N-G song.

The smaller vamp rested his head on the chair's headrest, "Nice, real mature."

The brunette shrugged innocently, "Hey, perpetual fifteen year old- gotta make it count for something... other than the sex-drive."


Spike all but dragged the younger vamp from his crypt, he wasn't about to let the girl's browbeat his Xander into any 'dating'. The boy was his, even if he didn't know it yet. "Come on Capello, you're supposed to be his best-friend."

"Yeah, but that doesn't make me suicidal. You know how the girls get when they decide on something, especially when it involves me or Xander."

" 'course I do, why do you think you're coming with. All else fails, I can use you as a shield," the blonde joked.

Jesse rolled his eyes, but didn't argue. He knew as well as anyone that pressuring Xander, especially about this, was not the best plan of action, even if it did make the girls feel better.

They arrived at the Magic Box in no time, letting themselves in the backdoor that led to the training room.

In the front room, Willow, Anya, and Xander sat around the research table. Xander was doing his best not to look like a trapped rat, which only made him look that much more in need of rescue. Willow was giving him something that fell just short of resolve-face, pleading with Xander for some hint of what was going on inside his thick skull.

"Evening ladies, wha'd we miss?" Spike asked, entirely too chipper, like he'd found a new toy to play with.

"Jesse!" Anya snapped, "I thought we told you to stay out of this- not to bring friends!"

"Hey, don't look at me, I tried to convince Bleachy to take a vamp's night out, but he thought this would be more entertaining." Jesse's tone was unremorseful and he knew from the look in Anya's eye that he was going to pay for this once they were alone.

Willow said nothing, simply glared at the two vamps. Xander deserved to be happy, and she was going to see that he was, regardless of what tweedle dee and tweedle dum had in mind.

Xander on the other hand slumped with relief. He wasn't ready to have this kind of conversation with them, especially when the one person he thought he might be interested in was of the undead and decidedly male variety. He was still processing that last tidbit himself, no way he was ready to tell his girls.


Half an hour later and they were still arguing. Xander couldn't take it anymore, this was his life and he didn't need or want his girls playing match-maker especially with the object of his affection sitting less than two feet away. He got up and stormed out the front door.

Calls of "Xan" and "Xander" and "Wait up" followed him.

"I'll go after him," Jesse declared grabbing his jacket and heading out after his best friend. With the advantage of preternatural speed Jesse caught up to Xander in no time, quickly matching pace with the mortal.

"What is it, Jesse?"

The young vampire shrugged, "Stalking you," he suggested.

Xander chuckled, "You're not very good at it. I kinda know you're there."

"Hey, I'm young; I still got a lot to learn."

Xander shook his dark head, feeling better than he had all evening. "Wanna come up for a beer?" he asked as they approached his apartment.

"Thought you'd never ask."

Jesse made himself comfortable on the large sofa, waiting for Xander to return from the kitchen with their drinks. "Ah, thanks, man," he said as he took the long necked bottle from Xander's hand.

"Not a problem."

They nursed their beers in silence.

"You know they're only trying to help."

Xander snorted, "Yeah, that just makes it worse."

"You could just tell them," Jesse suggested.

Xander took a sidelong look at his friend. "Tell them what?" he asked carefully.

Jesse rolled his eyes, "You know what."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Jesse," the dark mortal insisted.

"Fine, but why do you think he wanted to get you outta there."

That stopped Xander in his tracks, or it would have if he wasn't already sitting. "He did?"

Jesse nodded and waited for the coin to fully drop.

"Wait, wait, wait. Spike, the Bleached Wonder, sex on legs wanted to save me from the girls?"

"Christ, Xan- yes!" he all but shouted in exasperation, sometimes his best friend could be really thick.

"Why?" Xander finally replied, still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Spike had wanted to help him out of that situation to begin with. "What's he want?"

"I think he wants in your pants," Jesse deadpanned.

Xander grabbed his gut and doubled over laughing, "Yeah right, like Bleachy'd ever want someone normal."

"Xan, I know you don't having any reason to think so, but he might surprise you." With a sigh Jesse stood, chucking his empty beer bottle towards the recycling tub, "Thanks for the beer, but I'd better get back before Anya has a coronary. This is gonna take a lot of apology sex."

Xander paled, "Okay, Jess, some things I just don't need to know."


"You really need to stock up, Modoc." Jesse looked into the vamp's nearly empty fridge in disgust. "You're supposed to be the mentor in this relationship."

"I am. 'm teachin' you how to fend for yourself," came Spike's flippant reply.

Jesse shook his head. "Is that any way to treat the vamp who's gonna get you into his best-friend's bed?"

Spike glared, "What did you do, Capello?"

"Nothing much, just let Xan know whose idea it was to crash the girl's party last night," he smirked as he spoke, not a hint of repentance in sight. "He took it pretty well," the young vampire said dropping down on the vamp's ratty sofa. "You should go talk to him," Jesse offered conversationally. "Not like you will, but you should."

Spike grunted, not wanting to admit that the younger vamp was right. one hundred and twenty plus years as a vamp and he was acting like a school-boy with his first crush.

"Well, you'll have to see him tomorrow," the teen prodded.

"Hmm?" Spike cut a sidelong look at Jesse.

"Uh, patrol."

"Bugger," the blond cursed under his breath.

Jesse couldn't help himself, "You might wanna tell him first."

"Shut it, Capello."

The younger vamp simply smiled.


Patrol was going fairly slowly, a couple newly risen vamps and a lizard demon they had to shoo away back to its underground habitat, and both Spike and Xander were being uncharacteristically quiet.

As usual, by unspoken agreement the vamp walked Xander home ('didn't pay to have the Slayer all pissed 'cause one of her dear Scoobies got eaten,' at least that's what he told anyone who asked). Finally as they approached Xander's apartment, Spike broke the silence. "What's up with you, Whelp? You've barely opened your mouth all night."

"And why do you care Bleachy," Xander snapped.

The vampire flinched at the mortal's harsh tone. He tried to cover his reaction with his own bravado, "No reason, just tryin' to play nice with the Slayer's pets."

That earned Spike a sharp glare, followed by a deep sigh. "I'm sorry Spike. I just got a lot on my mind."

"Not that stunt the bints pulled the other day?"

Xander chuckled, "That's only part of it," he conceded.

Spike stopped walking and leaned against the side of rather ornate building, "Listen Whelp, you shouldn't let them get to you. They jus' want you t' be happy."

"Who are you and what have you done with Spike?" Xander replied; face split into one of his more playful smiles.

"'s me, Xan," Spike laughed, shaking his head.

"You sure? I mean, the Spike I know would never be this nice."

The blond huffed, "Hmph, maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do."

Xander cocked his head, "You know Jesse said the same thing."

"Well, even Capello has a good idea every now and then."

Xander laughed, "Wow, you are in a good mood."

"Maybe I just like the company," Spike admitted, thankful that vamps didn't blush. If they did he was sure he'd be red enough to light up the darkened sidewalk.

"Spike?" Xander stepped away from the vampire, not at all sure what to make of his admission.

Spike pushed off the wall he'd been leaning against, "Best get you inside before some nasty decides you're a tasty treat."

"That's why they pay you the big bucks," Xander teased- his instinct for self-preservation obviously having left the building.

Spike snorted, "Oh yeah, a fortune that is."

They shared a smile and made the last few steps toward Xander's apartment.

Xander unlocked the door to his apartment, "Hey, Spike, thanks."

The vamp shrugged it off in a billow of coattails and bravado.

The dark mortal slowly banged his head against his door, "What the hells were you thinking, Xan-man, ask the sexy blond male vamp to come up for a pint of blood... idiot."

"I don't know about that," a warm soothing voice drawled. "' wouldn't 'ave turned down such an attractive invitation."

Xander's eyes widened almost comically, "S-spike?"

The vamp's eyes lowered and he smirked, "Xannnnder," he purred. "May I come in?" he asked even though he didn't need the invitation; he'd been in the boy's apartment before.

The mortal nodded instinctively.

"Thanks, pet," he said, sliding past Xander's body and into the apartment. When Xander didn't move from the doorway, "You comin'?"

Xander was sure he heard his stomach drop. Gulping hard, "Uh, yeah, give me a sec."

"Give you all the time you need."

Xander slowly closed the door and moved towards the living room where the vamp was waiting. "Spike, what're you? I mean, you heard me..." he shook his head, "You came back!" Xander wasn't sure what was warring with him more, shock or confusion.

"Xan, pet." Spike moved towards the frightened mortal, hand softly reaching to stroke down Xander's shoulder. " 's okay."

Xander shook his head; not understanding anything more than his vamp was touching him, caressing him.

Spike seemed to understand. Slowly moving to cup Xander's face and turn it towards him.

Xander's breath caught at the openness he saw in Spike's mischievous blue eyes.

Slowly, so, so slowly, Spike pressed his lips to the mortal's warm ones, giving Xander every opportunity to move, break away. He didn't.

When they finally broke the kiss, foreheads leaning together, breath panting from both regardless of need.

"How?" Xander panted.

Spike chuckled, "Jesse's a lot quicker at things than either of us give him credit for."

The young man smirked, "What is it with me and vamps?"

"Demon magnet, remember," Spike told him, leaning in for another kiss.

The End

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