Pairing: S/X
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I own none, all belong to obvious people. Cold belongs to Annie Lennox. Oh, and here's a bow and thank you to [info]tabaqui  for the Housman Poem-XXX, which was in her amazing journey, "Changes". She introduced me to Spander and A E Housman. Without her, Emelye and [info]whichclothes , the bar of fandom and writing would not be raised. We're very glad you're here.
Comments: Always welcomed!
Summary: Xander thinks about inevitability. And Spike.

Warnings/Spoilers: AUish S7. The night before the end. Xan is with souled Spike, who is not pining for Buffy.
Beta’d by: [info]emelye_miller . Thank you so very much for your advice, encouragement, and grammar help.




Come to me run to me
do and be done with me
(cold cold cold)
Don't I exist for you
don't I still live for you
(cold cold cold)
Everything I present
given with tenderness
wrapped in a ribbon of glass
Time it may take us but God only knows
how I've paid for those things in the past.

Dying is easy it's living that scares me to death
I could be so content hearing the sound of your breath.
Cold is the color of crystal of snow light
that falls from the heavenly skies.
Catch me and let me dive under
for I want to swim in the pools of your eyes.

I want to be with you
slip me inside of your heart.
Don't I belong to you baby
don't you know that nothing can tear us apart
Come on now
come on now
come on now
telling you that I loved you right from the start.
But the more I want you the less I get.
Ain't that just the way things are.

Winter has frozen us
let love take hold of us
(cold cold cold)
Now we are shivering
blue ice is glittering
(cold cold cold)

Cold is the color of crystal of snow light
that falls from the heavenly skies.
Catch me and let me dive under
for I want to swim in the pools of your eyes
Don’t you know it's cold

Huh. This is actually scarily accurate. Better than the other song, which he’d nearly choked laughing at. Love Song For A Vampire. More for the doomed set than them. It had been so hard to get to this point, the trust and honesty. Years of missed chances and other objects of affections had worn them down, and looking at him now, Xander sees a tired soul peeking out of a frozen face.

No one else notices Spike’s hesitation to speak but him. To everyone else, he is the softer side of Spike. The snarl, the sneer, sarcasm, the fabric of our Spike. Even my jokes are twice as lame. Double the fun for half the sight. No one questioned the stifled laughter.

Spike seemed to be zoning out to Annie-while Buffy had a hushed conference with Faith and Willow. Giles was hiding in the kitchen.

Girl Power runs rampant here. Why do we, Giles, Spike and me, bother anymore. Easy. What else is there? He wanted to go, far and take them away from heartache, betrayal and death—from fear and disappointment.

Spike had asked him, one abysmally rainy night. ‘Let’s just go away, pet. Leave them to their misery. I just want peace. Thought I wanted…’ A deep breath and then, ‘her, but now I can’t. The soul can’t abide her death shroud any longer. She doesn’t have any light anymore. It’s funny, we’ve switched. All the demon saw was her light, needed to drown it out, but now all it sees is you. The soul would’ve died for yours, but now that death is straight on ‘till morning, it wants to stay.’ Xander looked in his eyes and saw William looking right back. He smiled.

Now, it was the nearly the end and all he wanted was Spike. But he stayed put. He flashed back to a poem that Spike had read to him the day after he got home from the hospital. He smiled a tight smile as he spoke:

Shake hands, we shall never be friends, all's over;
I only vex you the more I try.
All's wrong that ever I've done or said,
And nought to help it in this dull head:
Shake hands, here's luck, good-bye.

But if you come to a road where danger
Or guilt or anguish or shame's to share,
Be good to the lad that loves you true
And the soul that was born to die for you,
And whistle and I'll be there.

When Spike had finished, Xander took his hand and said “ I will if you will.”

"Will what?”

“Whistle.” Spike’s eyes widened and shook his head. “You—”

“I will.”


“Because you’ve been good to me. And to the people we love.”

“Not. Before, I wasn’t. Couldn’t be.”

“You tried and did. With Dawn, and you tried with Buffy, but she didn’t want help. She wanted oblivion because she couldn’t be honest with us. We knew better, to do what we did. But we were completely selfish and because we lost our perfection. But you weren’t selfish like us. You love for its’ own sake, not for what it can do for you. And that’s why.”

“Why now? Why not before?”

" Because I settled and I was afraid of what you represented. You were free—free from obligations and man made rules. You could be whatever you wanted. I had all this crap in my head, my father’s rules, Giles’ and the Council’s rules, but they were, are, wrong. You are yourself. And maybe Jesse was as well. And if I could kill him, does that make me better than Angelus or Jack the Ripper? So, I chose to hide behind everyone’s rules of what is. I was wrong.”

“No, pet. You were young and needed to make up your own mind. So, now, we’ll lean on each other, because you make me free as well.”

Xander pulled himself from his memories and looked at Spike again. He looked back and smiled. He knew that their time was nearly up. The First was gearing up for something big and they weren’t going to trip the light fantastic. He’d seen the amulet that Buffy kept fiddling with. Knew Angel had come and gone. He was angry. Wanted more time with Spike, but with the SITs, there wasn’t any. He knew that whatever happened, he would lose again. But maybe, he could hold on to the memories just a little longer.

The End

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