Smut. Fun. An elf. Written for Elfgirl's birthday.
"Remind me to smack Willow," Xander said.
"Smack Willow," Spike smirked.
"Remind me later."
"Much later, asshole. What the hell were she and Tara thinking, summoning an elf?" Xander cursed under his breath as he tripped over a hillock of uneven grass in the cemetery.
Spike leaned on a headstone and lit a cigarette. "If I had one friggin' clue what any of those women were ever thinking..."
"Yeah, yeah, you'd rule the world." Xander leaned next to the vampire and waved the smoke away as it inevitably followed him. "What's the best way to catch an elf? And what's the downside if we just let it go?"
"Well," Spike said, "They aren't really dangerous. They just tend to stir up a lot of mischief. They like shiny things and music and candy. If we let it go it'll just run around getting into trouble. Best way to catch 'em is smell."
"They're attracted to smells?" Xander grinned at the thought of an elf (in his mind the Santa's Little Helper variety) following its nose into a trap; eyes closed, with a blissful expression on its little face.
"Specific smells," the vampire explained. "Candy, for one - cotton candy is the most effective."
"Spike, it's two in the morning and we're in a cemetery, I don't think the cotton candy concession is open right now."
"No shit, brainiac?"
"What other smells do they like, Spike? I have to go back to my empty apartment and sleep alone for a couple of hours before work, you know."
"You sure are working that 'my demon girlfriend left me and I'm so sad and lonely' vibe, aren't you?" Spike blew a lungful of smoke away from Xander and ground the cigarette butt out under his heel.
"Ex-demon," Xander corrected. "And, yes, I am - you got a problem with that?"
Spike shrugged. "They like pheromones, too."
"Pheromones? Why do I think I hate the sound of that?" He noticed that Spike had a very sly smile on his face and a very dangerous glint in his eye. Boding well this was not.
"What's the matter, Xander? Too manly to give us a little kiss to slay the demon?" The glint was turning into a spark. Not good.
"It's an elf, Spike, not a demon. A harmless, cute, little non-fatal elf, and wow, you're really close to me," Xander babbled.
Spike leaned in even closer, his lips just inches from Xander's ear. "Tsk, tsk - and here I thought you were supposedd to be one of the good guys; protecting the innocent and keeping the world safe. Must say I'm rather disappointed. Not very dedicated to justice and right and the American Way, now are you?" His voice was a low growl, and Xander couldn't help the shudder that ran through his body.
"I don't know if protecting candy and shiny things from marauding elves is part of the American Way, Spike." Xander could hear the huskiness in his own voice, and he knew that if Spike kissed him he wouldn't resist.
"Never hurts to be sure, now does it, pet?" Spike asked, ghosting his lips over Xander's cheekbone as one hand rose to brush dark hair out of the unresisting boy's eyes.
"I suppose..." Xander's eyes started to slip closed, and his lips parted slightly.
Spike guided Xander's face to his and brushed their lips together in the lightest of caresses, then he pulled back and peeked behind the tombstone against which they were leaning.
"Got it," he said.
Xander's eyes opened lazily. "Huh?"
With the hand that wasn't still cupping the back of the human's neck, Spike pointed to the stunned-looking creature sitting on the grass, staring up at the two men with dreamily unfocused eyes. It looked to be about two feet tall. It was female, and she had long, dark hair, pale skin, big eyes and delicately pointed ears. She wore a flowing floral dress and had a bunch of flowers clutched in her hands, which rested in her lap.
"Almost there," Spike murmured, and leaned back into Xander, kissing him again softly.
Xander groaned and opened his lips in invitation. The vampire's cool tongue slid into his mouth, and he groaned again as he was kissed slowly and thoroughly.
Spike pulled back and again looked over the headstone. The little elf was fast asleep.
"Well, that worked," he said smugly, and stood up. He reached out a hand to steady Xander as the human nearly overbalanced. Once Xander was secure, though still quite stunned, Spike walked around the marker and gathered the tiny girl up in his arms, tucking her protectively into the crook of his arm under the duster.
Xander stood and shoved both hands into his pockets to camouflage his raging erection. "What happened to it... her?"
"Pheromone overload - sends 'em right to sleep. Let's get her back to the witches so they can un-summon her." Spike turned and headed back toward the Magic Box, with a confused and aroused Xander trailing in his wake, muttering to himself.
A couple of blocks away from the shop, Spike allowed the human to catch up to him. He reached out and grabbed Xander by the arm and expertly twirled him into the mouth of an alley, pushing him up against the wall.
"She's waking up," he explained, before leaning in.
Xander gasped, and Spike used the opportunity to thrust his tongue into the human's warm mouth and kiss him breathless. Stepping back, he glanced down inside his coat at the still-soundly sleeping little elf.
"That's better," he sighed.
Xander caught up to Spike at the door to the Magic Box and followed him inside, still stunned.
"Here you go," the vampire said, handing the sleeping bundle to Willow.
"Oh, she's pretty," the witch said, cradling the little elf-girl.
"And she's now your problem," the vampire pronounced, turning to leave.
"How did you catch her?" Tara asked.
Spike didn't bother to turn around, but kept striding toward the door.
"The key to setting a trap is having the proper bait," he said. As he passed Xander, he raised one eyebrow and gestured toward the door with a tilt of his head.
"See ya," Xander said to the girls as he followed the vampire out into the night.