A Spandery Fairy Tale
Spike pressed his nose up against the smooth glass of the jar and watched the big huge lump on the bed. The sun was up and shining, and it was time for Boy to wake up. If he didn't, then there would be shouting and screaming and bad things would happen. C'mon Boy, wake up.
He backed up as far as he could, then flew hard up against the side of the jar, trying to knock it over. His shoulder hurt, but the jar only moved a little. Boy was still sleeping. Fluttering his wings, Spike tried not to be nervous for him. Why wasn't that alarm thing ringing? Why wasn't Boy waking up!
Xander wriggled a bit, trying to snuggle down even more in the warmth of the bed. He loved this early morning time, before They woke up, when he could pretend everything was fine. He tried to relax a little more, waiting for the alarm to ring. He was completely unprepared for what happened next. Just as his mother had come to wake him up with glass of orange juice and a hug, the door slammed open and Xander was lifted off the bed and thrown against the wall.
Harris loomed over his son. "I've had enough of this shit, Xander. You're not six years old anymore, I told you at your birthday that you'd better clean up your act. Get up!" Reaching down, he dragged his cowering son to his feet and shoved him toward the dresser. "If you're not dressed and at breakfast in twenty minutes, I'll be back with my belt."
Spike's wings fluttered faster and faster, as he sat at the bottom of the jar, looking through the gaps between the fingers of his hands covering his eyes. Boy was in trouble. And Big One mentioned the belt. Belt was bad. Worse than Big One.
Xander stayed carefully still until his father had walked out, then scrambled to get dressed. He'd learned at an early age that his father didn't issue empty threats. Throwing worried glances at the clock, Xander managed to get himself ready within the allotted time. He climbed on the chair and reached for the jar he'd carefully hidden on the shelf over his desk.
"Sorry you had to see that. Don't worry, he won't come back. I'll be good all day and then we'll be able to play when I come back." He smiled at his treasure and put the jar back in its place, carefull not to move it too suddenly, then ran out to breakfast.
Once his wings stopped beating, he unfurled them and stood up. The room was empty and quiet. Boy was gone. Why wouldn't he take him to that place he called school? The only time he took him outside was after school and before Big One came back from work. Spike hated Big One. He hated Mom too, but Xander seemed to like her a little.
He eyed the clock and wished there was a way to make it go faster. All day long, he'd wait. It was so boring without Boy to talk to him and tell him stories. A slight pout forming on his mouth, he lay on his stomach and rested his chin on his knuckles.
Xander hugged Willow one more time before leaving her to go home. She was his best friend in the whole wide world but after that incident with his drunken father singing "Thank Heavens, for little girls" and leering at her, her mom wouldn't let her anywhere near him. They only ever saw each other at school now. He walked home alone, practically running in his haste to get there. Before he found Spike, Xander would walk as slowly as he could, not wanting to go home to yet another afternoon of nothing to do and no one to do it with. His father had managed to scare away any friend Xander ever made and he'd been so lonely before.
Shaking his head to clear all the bad thoughts, Xander grinned as he ran faster. It didn't matter what he was before, he had Spike now and his dad wouldn't scare him away. He slowed down as he reached the house, checking for his dad's car before he went in. When he was gone, Xander's mom would make him sandwiches and sometimes she'd even kiss him on the cheek before she sent him upstairs.
Xander's smile grew even wider when he saw that his dad's car was missing. He bounced into the kitchen and yes! There was big huge sandwich all ready for him.
"Take it upstairs with you Xander, your father should be home soon," his mom offered him a tired smile before she dropped a kiss on his forehead. "Get something to drink from the fridge as well, I think I'll lie down for a moment."
Xander nodded, watching silently as she left the room with a big bottle of whiskey in her hand. He knew not to smile or say anything until she left, sometimes she would change and scream at him when he spoke. This way he could get his kiss and go upstairs with nothing spoiling his mood.
"Hey Spike, I'm back," he whispered as he put the plate and soft drink down on his desk. He went back to close the door, careful not to make any noise. His mom was resting and he wasn't supposed to bother her. "We got a sandwich today, want some?" he asked, more normally, smiling up at Spike.
Spike was already tapping the top of the jar with both fists, wanting out. The minute the top was unscrewed, he flew circles around Boy's head, enjoying his freedom. Well, semi-freedom since the windows and door were tightly closed. But he didn't care, he didn't have anywhere to go. And Boy was fun when the Big One and Mom weren't around.
After he expended some of his energy, he landed on Boy's shoulder. "Sandwhich... and coke, you have coke? The bubbles make me sneeze. You smell like Red Hair. Did she share her crayons again?"
"She broke the yellow one," Xander replied swallowing hastily, "but it was okay cause I stole one from the next table over so she didn't have to tell the teacher." He cut off a bit of the sandwich and poured some coke in a thimble he'd taken from the classrom. "Here you go. Wanna play race cars after we eat?"
Spike had his face in the thimble and was lapping up the bubbly drink as if there weren't at least a hundred more thimbles full in Boy's glass. "Achoo... achoo...achoo..." He wiped his nose with his sleeve. "First one to get the red car gets to play with it!" Course he'd hidden the red car last time they'd played. A little smirk broke over his face as he tore a bit of bread and ate it. One thing about Mom, she was a great cook. This peanutbutter stuff she made always came out great! She hadn't burned it even once.
Xander couldn't keep the smile off his face as he babbled on to Spike about his day. He hadn't told anyone about Spike because he never wanted to share him. He knew that was bad and selfish because the teacher had said they were supposed to share with the other kids but he didn't care. Spike was the only friend he had other than Willow and he wasn't letting him go.
Not even to share.
"We can only play a little though because Willow said she'd check my homework for me so I have to do it. She's even more strict than Ms Harrison!" Xander pouted, pretending that he hated Willow taking care of him.
Swallowing more of the delicious peanutbutter and washing it down with bubbles, Spike called out. "Start now, then. Get your car Boy - Xan-der." He remembered Boy preferred to be called that. Grinning as Boy went in the wrong direction, he flew to the chest of drawers, landed near its legs and walked under. A second later, he was pushing his red car out. "Look ... look... mine!"
They played for a few hours. Sometimes it was a tug of war, with Xander wanting his turn with the red car, and Spike insisting under his rules it was his car. Boy was kind, not like Big One. He could have torn the red car from him, but he let him have it. Even if he whined about it.
Later, Spike curled up on Xander's shoulder, watching the careful stroke's of Boy's pencil. Learning with him, but staying quiet. He loved the smell of Boy's bubble gum. Once, he'd found a piece stuck on the nightstand. It had been a mistake trying to pull some off. Boy had laughed for hours about him getting stuck, and then poured smelly alcohol on him... to get it off his wings. He was never going to try gum again, but sniffing it was good.
Xander worked through his homework, trying hard not to make any mistakes. He'd promised Willow he'd do his best and he hated breaking promises. He'd just about finished when he heard tires screech outside his window.
"Dad's home!" He exclaimed and frantically tried to put away his homework and tidy up his room before his dad had a chance to see it. Too fast, he heard footsteps climbing the stairs. "Spike, you have to hide, get back in the jar, hurry!" Xander could hear his heart beating frantically in his chest, as the steps went past his door and into his mother's room. He knew it wouldn't be long before his dad remembered him. He always did after he yelled at his mom a little.
"When I get big I'm going to... well I'm not sure what type of fairy I am but ... Don't put me away!" It was too late, he was shoved inside the jar and the top was closing. His frantic efforts to lift the lid were wasted as Boy shoved the jar up onto the shelf. Spike shivered, keeping pace with his beating wings. The Big One was being loud again. The wall shook. Mom screamed.
Face pressed against the glass, Spike saw water come out of Boy's eyes. That made water come out of his own eyes. This was wrong. Why didn't anyone stop Big One?
Then it was quiet. Too quiet. Something was going to explode.
The door was thrown open, smashing loudly against the wall. Spike screamed and slammed his hands against the see through barrier as Boy was grabbed by the hair. His soft brown hair... Big One was going to tear it off! "Drop him... let him go..." Why did Boy lock him in, he could help. He could bite Big One. He could blind him.
More water poured from Spike's eyes. Boy was bleeding. From his nose. And his mouth. And Big One was raising his hand again. This time Spike screwed his eyes shut. He couldn't watch anymore. It hurt too much.
A long time later, Boy was able to move and let him out again. He let Boy talk and talk and talk, and when Boy had nothing left to say, Spike talked to fill the quiet. Neither one talked about what happened, or why though. It was better to talk about t.v. and coloring, and smashing things.
Sitting on Boy's shoulder again, Spike licked the blood off Boy's cheek. It made him ashamed... knowing he liked the sweet taste of Boy's blood, and knowing Boy had to be hurt for there to be blood. The last time he'd tasted Boy's blood was when Boy cut his finger with a scissor. Did this mean he'd be a vampire fairy and not a magical one?
Xander talked and talked until he was too tired to keep his eyes open. He always felt so tired after his dad...after his dad paid attention to him. He felt Spike settle on his shoulder and smiled sleepily. At least he still had Spike.
"I should really put you back in the jar for the night, dad might find you if you're not hidden away." he mumbled, stretching a little. He would get up to put Spike back in a moment, he just needed to get som energy first.
"Just close your eyes. I'll wake you up to put me away." As if!
Long after Boy was asleep, Spike lapped the rest of the blood away. Boy was nice and clean now, even if he'd be black and blue in the face. If only he could take some of the pain away.
He eyed his jar. It might be dangerous to sleep next to Boy. Boy could roll over and then there would be more blood... No, Boy was always careful with him. Once, he'd held him gently in his hand even when Big One brought the belt out. Deciding Boy couldn't hurt him, Spike flew up, landed on his chest, and slid inside the pocket of boy's Jammies. It was nice hearing Boy's heart beat. He didn't have one himself, but his wings made the same noise. Did that count? Stretching, he rolled over on his stomach and fell asleep.
Spike flew to the mirror and opened his mouth, stretching it with two fingers. Examining each tooth, then looking at his reflection. He had one, so he couldn't be a vampire fairy, could he? But he did like blood... and something felt sharp in his mouth sometimes, especially when he smelled blood, or he heard blood rushing under Boy's skin. It made him feel all fluttery inside. But he didn't want to because most of the time Boy's blood rushed when something bad happened.
He didn't want to be a bad friend. He loved Boy. He loved tricking Boy!
Xander only slept for a few hours, dreaming that he, Spike and Willow were happily playing without anyone yelling or screaming at them. Then he was ripped from his dreams by the very monster he was trying to escape. He found himself hanging upside down, his father screaming in his face.
"Where did you hide my whiskey, boy?" Xander tried to stammer out an answer but he was being shaken so hard he could barely breathe, let alone speak. "Tell me you little bastard, where did you hide it?"
It was still dark. How did Angry Big One see? Spike thought he was the only one who saw in the dark. Now he wished he couldn't see... couldn't hear. He zoomed around Big One's ugly red face, screaming at him to let Boy go. A second later, a backhand sent him smashing against the mirror. Big One didn't see him...but he felt him, and batted him away like a mosquito.
Frustrated and scared, Spike's wings beat faster than they ever had. Something bad was going to happen to Boy. But he had no magic... not yet, and he had no strength...not yet. He was worthless.
As the screaming crescendoed around him, Spike flew to the door. He'd go home.... he'd make every deal he could, give up his wings, maybe his long life... he'd come back bigger than Big One, punch him in the nose, make him bleed. Lick his blood. No, bleh, he didn't want Big one's blood. He'd take his Boy, and leave and go somewhere where they could play, and play, and they'd let Red Hair come play with them. That was it...that's what he'd do.
He tried to fly out, but something pulled him back. He returned to Boy. Boy wasn't making sense, and Big one was getting angrier. Spike buzzed closer, kissed his cheek. "I'm going to help you. I'll be back Boy-Xander, and then there will be no more water coming out of your eyes." And then he was gone out the door. He followed the scent of the night, found it coming in through an open window, and disappeared out of it. A few days... that's how long he'd be, and then things would change.
Xander collapsed on the floor and fought to stay still, hoping that his dad would finally leave him alone. The door slammed shut and Xander finally allowed himself to relax.
"Spike? Spike I don't think I can stand," he said quietly and waited for Spike to fly closer and help him like he always did. "Spike?" Xander drew on his strength and lifted his head to look around, hoping to spot his friend. All he saw was the empty jar, lying sideways on the desk. "Sp-Spike?"
Only silence greeted Boy. But it was only for a week. Soon Spike would be back to help him.
[12 Years Later]
The morning air was crisp and cool. The wind made his trenchcoat billow about him. Spike was more still than the tree he was leaning up against. Shock kept him rooted in front of the apartment building, watching.
Boy - Xander was all grown up. Same dark hair. Same soulful dark eyes. But taller... much taller. And he had muscles, no paunch like his father. But that smile...surely it hadn’t disappeared. It was lurking somewhere under that stern look, as he passed.
Spike looked down at himself. He’d grown too. Oh not only in the sense that he’d found a way to be human-sized when he wanted. But he was older, wiser. But still late. Much much too late. The old shame washed over the otherwise confident fairy-vamp who retreated into the shadows of the tree as he castigated himself for his mistake.
Xander made his way to work, feeling a rare sense of enthusiasm bubble through him. Willow was coming home for his birthday and the only thing in this world guaranteed to make him smile was seeing his Willow. She had always been the one good thing in his life. The one real thing, he amended, scowling as he walked.
As he reached the construction site he caught sight of Steve leaning against his truck, laughing at something or other. Steve looked like a typical Californian beach boy, all tanned muscle and sun streaked hair, and the second most beautiful pair of blues Xander had ever seen. Xander couldn't help but smile a little as he appreciated the view Steve made, eyes sparkling with merriment, chest heaving from the power of his laughter. As he watched, Steve made eye contact and the power of that smile was trained at him. Xander immediately sobered and looked elsewhere, passing by the laughing group without another glance. He didn't need anyone to smile at him.
"Yo... hey, Xander," Steve jogged up to him. The guy had been promoted to foreman months ago, he was his boss, and yet outside of work, he hardly ever said a word. "You wanna grab a brew after work? Some of the guys are planning..."
"No, thank you," Xander replied curtly, barely turning his head to look at the guy. "I'm busy," he added as an afterthought. He kept walking, leaving Steve behind.
"Told ya you'd get shot down. He's a cold bastard, Steve, don't pay him any mind."
Xander froze for a moment, closed his eyes as he forced the disdain he'd heard in those words away from him. He was fine, he didn't need anyone to smile at him. They'd only end up leaving anyway.
A little sparkling light circled the tree, then dropped to the ground. Spike materialized with a thoughtful frown, looking in the direction Xander had gone.
First off, he'd expected to find eight year old Xander. Looks aside, this man he'd become was nothing like the boy. Even under his father's heavy hand, the boy had always had a ready smile, one that peaked out at the smallest excuse. Now that thunderous and foridding expression seemed permanently etched on his face. Second, Spike had seen sheer longing in Xander's eyes the instant before this Steve character spoke. Now why had that put the light out of the boy's eyes instead of making them light up? Third... well, he was looking at a guy.
A strange feeling washed over Spike. He didn't have a name for it. Not really. But he knew what he wanted. He wanted to rip that dark look away from Xander, and he wanted Xander to look at him the way he'd looked at Steve. And then he wanted him to smile.
He remembered boy-Xander looking at him and saying that. Staring one last time at the bungallo, Spike shifted to his smaller form and took off.
Xander worked steadily through the day, ignoring the looks and glares he got from the crew. He wasn't here to socialize with them, he didn't care what they thought anyway. He only allowed himself to relax a little when he left the site.
Arms crossed, Spike stood leaning against Xander's door, waiting. When he heard the footfalls nearing, it took everything in his power to stay still. Facing the soft brown eyes of a boy was much different than looking into the hard eyes of the man he'd become. Lifting his face, he unerringly met Xander's gaze. "Shall we play a game?"
Xander stared at the man leaning against his door. He seemed vaguely familiar, as if he should know him somehow but he couldn't remember. Maybe he was one of the stress-relief brigade. Damn, didn't he know that one night stands were supposed to be just that? One night. No following around necessary.
"Look pal, I don't know how you figured out where I live but one night is one night. Pretty sure I never made any promises. Now get off my door, I want to go in."
"Wrong about that. You made me plenty of promises, yeah?" Spike's smile was bitter sweet. Who was he to talk when he'd broken the most important one. He moved slightly away from the door, just enough to allow Xander to slip his key in the lock. "Can we talk?"
Xander stepped forward, intruding on the guy's personal space and glaring hard at him.
"I never made anyone any promises, buddy and I don't talk to strangers. Get away from my door before I move you away." Xander only ever made promises to Willow or himself and one of the major ones was 'no violence'. He would never hit anyone but this guy didn't know that.
Angry and rude. Not how it should be. Not how he would have imagined it in ten more decades in the land of the Fey. "That any way to talk to an old friend. Look at me," Spikes own voice took an edge, though his anger might be directed at himself. "You - know - me."
Xander groaned in frustration as the guy just kept going. "For the last time I don't know you. If I fucked you one night and you liked it enough to - " The stranger was looking sadly at him and there was something strangely familiar about that look. "I don't know you," he repeated, more to himself than to the guy.
"Fucked..." Spike rasped, assaulted by images of this angry man throwing him down on the ground and doing just that. He didn't need this on top of everything else. Didn't need to have this get even more complicated. "If you had... fucked me, you'd remember." He lifted his chin to make a point. "Did sleep with me though. I watched you every night. Kissed you every morning. Loved you..."
Xander stared, his mind working overtime to place that face, the voice, the words, anything that would tell him who this guy was. Then he remembered.
"No." The simple word was filled with despair and pain as Xander retreated as far from Spike as he could in the narrow hallway. He looked around, making sure no one could see him talking to himself. Because Spike wasn't real. "Fairies aren't real, I made you up. I...I'm going crazy. That's it I finally snapped and I'm seeing things."
"No..." Spike put his hand out.... then dropped it. "Don't say that, don't think that," was his anguished answer. It had been a risk. It still was. Two more times... if Xander denied his existence two more times, he was a goner. And that was why fairy folk didn't visit older people.
He followed, slowly, but making it clear he wasn't about to retreat. "I'm real... as real as this coat," he pulled on the lapels, and kept following Xander. "Spike. Remember me. I'm Spike. Say my name. Call me like you used to." Smile for me.
Xander closed his eyes, trying to make the apparition go away. He remembered Spike so well, as if he'd been real, as if he'd really had someone to play with. He'd even looked for him after Spike had disappeared. His father had finally managed to break something that day and Xander had been stuck in bed with a cast around his leg for weeks. A social worker came to visit, to make sure that his parents were treating him okay and she'd stuck around to talk to him a little. She was the only person he ever told and she'd looked at him so sadly. She had explained that fairies weren't real, that he'd made Spike up but Xander hadn't believed her. He'd known Spike was real and he'd come back if only he waited a little. Except Spike never did and after three months of waiting Xander finally had to admit that Spike wasn't real.
"No...no Spike never existed, just a figment of my imagination. Get yourself together Harris, he's not real."
Fuck. If he stayed here, he was going to die. "Put your hand out Xander. Do it." He didn't wait for Xander to. This might be his last chance to prove who he was, but it didn't mean the boy wouldn't deny him again.
The world dropped away as Spike shifted to fairy form. All six inches of the leather clad dark fairy zoomed straight to Xander's face, until they were nose to nose. "It's me. You bloody well know it is, Boy-Xander. But if you say I'm not real one more time, you won't see me again. Ever." His wings beat so fast, they stirred the air, and with it, Xander's hair.
Xander closed his eyes tight, tried to persuade himself that the voice wasn't real but the air against his face felt so familiar and he finally peeked through one eye to find a tiny little version of the guy flying in the air in front of his face. Both eyes widened impossibly and he reached out to gently poke the fairy, just to make sure that he wasn't seeing things again.
"Sp-spike? You're real? But you can't...you're real?
"Mind my parts," the fairy hissed, as Xanders thick finger slid down his body, stroking him from chest, to abdomen, to the zipper now pressing too tightly over the bulge in his pants. Idiot human!
Wings beating, he backed away slightly, then dropped to the ground, materializing in full size and staring into Xander's astonished eyes.
Xander involuntarily took a step back as the tiny fairy turned into a full sized human-looking person. He stared at Spike for a moment, feeling like his brain had been derailed because Spike was real and he was standing there in front of him. His amazement swiftly turned into anger and he punched Spike as hard as he could, sending him sprawling on the floor. Xander may not believe in violence but some people fucking deserved to be hit.
"You left me. I was lying there, with my leg broken and you broke my...you left. Fuck off Spike, I don't need you anymore."
Xander somehow managed to open the door and storm into the apartment, slamming the door behind him before he broke down. He wasn't sure which was worse, thinking that he was crazy or knowing that Spike had been real, he'd been real and he left.
His world tilted. Not from pain... at least not from pain where he should feel it... where he'd been punched. Spike wiped his hand across the corner of his mouth, and licked the blood off his hand. Boy had bled that night. He'd had broken bones. He'd needed help, and there had been no one for him. No one to talk to. No one to wipe away his tears or tell him stories. No one to help him dream of a better place.
Water didn't pour out of Spikes eyes anymore. But red streams slid down his face and hit the floor, leaving red droplets. He stood up and put his forehead against the closed door. He had no words. None. None for the boy he'd called friend. None for the one person he'd ever loved.
It hadn't been enough.
He'd dogged Xander for days. Followed him to work. Followed him home. Sometimes he was visible. Those were the hardest times. The cutting looks. The reproach. The arctic stares. Worse... worse when he looked right through him as if he weren't there.
Xander walked home from work, not even sparing a glare for his shadow. Spike just kept following him everywhere. A part of him was screaming, yelling at him to go apologize for hitting Spike, to just do whatever was necessary to have his friend back. He ruthlessly ignored that voice much as he ignored Spike. He wasn't the one to leave, Spike was. He wasn't the one to just abandon someone when they needed him most.
Xander felt tears filling his eyes for the first time since that day. He angrily wiped them away before they could fall, telling himself over and over again that he didn't need anyone. He was fine on his own. He was fine. He just needed some stress relief.
"Just need to let off some steam," he muttered, quickly showering and changing into his club gear. He stormed out of the apartment, ignoring the depressed looking blond standing outside his building and headed for his usual bar.
The bar was a meat market. That was it. Everyone was buying and selling. Showing. Spike sat in a corner, munching on tasteless pretzels, eyes trained on Xander. The boy was on edge... anyone could see that. Spike knew all about that. After endless hours of working in the troll camps to work off his servitude, he'd let off steam in just the same way. Find a tavern, a warm body... male or female... sink into oblivion with them. There was no surer way to block out the pain of existence.
He watched Xander drink, and dance, kiss and grope. One thing he didn't catch a glimpse of was a single smile. The boy had lost his heart, and Spike had to give it back to him.
Pushing away from the table, Spike strode to the bar, bracing against rejection. He stood slightly behind Xander, leaving him no room for a quick escape. "Buy you a drink, or take you for a whirl around the floor?"
Xander turned around intending to just tell Spike to fuck off but the other guy was so close. He stared into Spike's eyes for a long moment, nearly losing himself in them. He reared back shaking his head to clear it and finally formed the words he'd wanted to say. "Fuck off Spike, I told you I don't need you."
"You need something, else you wouldn't be here, yeah?" Spike didn't back off. Instead, he pressed closer, ran his hand down the guy's back and over his ass. "You want to fuck me over the way I did you? Here's your chance. C'mon, then... do it, fuck me, show me how you feel about what happened. I'll let you do whatever you want... leave when you say." He'd thought the offer was for Xander's sake... to give him an outlet. But the way his own body tensed in anticipation, the way his cock jutted out, pressing against his pants, he wondered who needed this more.
Xander felt a hot hard body against his and he instinctively moved closer, pressing his body against Spike's. He wasn't sure this was a good idea...he opened his mouth to deny Spike but the blond chose that moment to push his pelvis against Xander and his resistance died away.
"One night, then you leave me alone, right? Shouldn't be that hard, you already did it once." Xander didn't wait to see Spike's reaction, he pushed past him and stalked off, not looking back.
"It's already hard," Spike muttered, following close behind.
Xander's place was close by. There was no chit chat. No 'getting to know you' talk. Spike did try, but when Xander shut him down a few times, he decided silence might be golden.
When they reached the apartment door and Xander was fiddling with the key, Spike turned him around and kissed him. It was a hard, needy kiss... an invitation. One that was immediately taken up, from the way Xander reversed their positions and slammed Spike's back up against the door. Spike took the kiss, took the heat of Xander's anger, his rough groping. If Xander couldn't express himself in words, then maybe action was one way they could communicate.
Somewhere to his right, he felt Xander's hand. Still trying to open the bloody door. Spike tried to move away, to allow him to focus on it, but Xander's surprisingly strong grip prevented him from moving. Sure he could have tossed the boy on his ass, but he'd offered to let the boy teach him a lesson... and he would do exactly as Xander wanted.
Xander pulled back from Spike, his breath harsh and loud in his ears. He wasn't sure where all that...passion had come from but now it was here he couldn't fight it back. He finally managed to push the key into the lock and for the second time since he met Spike again, he slammed the door open and stormed in, this time dragging Spike with him.
He barely waited for the door to close before pushing Spike against it and capturing his mouth once more. He pushed his tongue inside, ruthlessly exploring Spike's mouth, his hands busy pushing and tugging at the blond's clothes. Long moments later he stepped back, glaring at the clothes, clinging stubbornly on Spike's body.
"Clothes off. Now."
Still reeling from the kiss, Spike locked gazes with Xander and did as he demanded. Quickly, he peeled his black tee shirt off, tossing it on the ground. Xander's eyes went impossibly darker. The searing heat of his gaze traveling down the alabaster expanse of his chest and abdomen. Spike's stomach muscles contracted. Swallowing hard, he unbuckled his belt. The clinking of the hardware was the only sound in the room. Then came the umistakeably sound of his zipper. Hands on his waist, he shoved his trousers down to the ground and stepped out of them.
Xander's hungry but definitely unfriendly expression sent a shiver down Spike's back. Dressed only in his boxers, he felt exposed and vulnerable. "What now?" he cocked his head, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
Xander breathed slowly, trying to calm himself down. Spike was...perfect. Xander had always found imperfections in the men he chose to spent the night with, too tall, too short, too skinny, too muscle-bound. Spike was absolutely flawless. Even the tiny freckles on the bridge of his nose were beautiful.
"Fuck..." he finally murmured, more an exclamation than an answer to Spike's question. He reached out to trace the line of Spike's collarbone, his hand trembling slightly. "Perfect..."
Spike reflexively leaned his head back slightly, shivering at the light touch. The word should make him feel better, but it didn't. Of course he was perfect, his kind always were. But Xander wasn't really seeing him, or talking to him. Not really.
Xander stepped closer, unable to resist the lure of that body, his hand drifted down, pressing on a nipple just so he could see it harden. "So damn gorgeous." He licked his lips, and leaned forward to taste Spike, nudging the blond's head back, softly pressing his lips on the pale neck. He felt as if he'd been wanting to do this forever. Xander closed his eyes and inhaled the half remembered smell, feeling his cock twitch at the mere thought of having this, having Spike. Then he finally opened his lips, his tongue darting out to have a taste.
The slow drags of Xander's moist tongue flicking across sensative skin of his throat sent shocks rippling through Spike. He'd wanted this from the first moment he'd seen Xander all grown up. A part of him said it was wrong to feel this way. Friends didn't do this... that's what they were. But the minute a warm, callused hand scraped across his chest, he stopped worrying about wrong and right.
With a low murmur, he pressed up closer, rubbing against the rough material of Xander's jeans. The boy was hot and hard underneath, just as ready. "Please." In the old days, Boy would never say no to his pleas for anything. Would he hear the plea now?
Xander moaned against Spike's skin, lost in the taste and feel of it. Spike's words intruded in his senses, reminding him who this was. Xander had always given Spike everything he wanted, all the fairy had had to do was look up at him and say 'please'. Please boy, I'm hungry and Xander would give him the last of his twinkie. Please boy Xander, I'm bored and Xander would drop everything to play with him. And Spike still left him. Xander had given him everything and Spike had left.
He stepped back, his hands going to his own clothes, tugging them off hastily. He only paused a moment to point to Spike's boxers, "Those too, take them off."
Without hesitation, Spike bent and pulled his shorts down. As he rose, he found himself faced with a pair of sunkissed legs, powerful, sculpted. His gaze lingered on a scar above one knee. His heart ached, ached so hard he dropped back down on his knees and wrapped his arms around Xander's legs, rubbing his cheek across his thigh. He started kissing his thighs, first one, then the other, trailing hot wet kisses in small circles. Stopping to trace the jagged scar with his tongue, before looking up, eyes filled with shame.
Xander moaned as he saw Spike drop to his knees like that. His pleasure was cut short when Spike started tracing the scar on his leg. He'd always been self-conscious about that and to have anyone give it attention was a surefire was of making him tense up. To have Spike do it just made him angry. Ignoring the sad look Spike was giving him he threaded his fingers in Spike's hair and tugged him up to his cock.
"Alright." Sliding his hand up Xander's inner thigh, Spike wrapped his hand around Xander's shaft. He tugged lightly, started stroking him, back and forth. Swallowing as the cock in his hand grew and hardened. Hand still holding him, he moved his mouth over Xander's tip, running his tongue around, and sucking him, enflaming his lust. Though he was unaware of it, his other hand was massaging Xander's thigh, feeling the rippling muscles tighten as the boy strained to get closer.
Xander moaned and thrust lightly, trying to hold back. No matter what, he never hurt people, not physically. He spread his legs and leaned against the back of the couch, giving himself over to the sensations. He was so close...just a few moments of Spike's mouth on him and he was ready to burst. He pulled Spike back, looking down to find blue eyes looking up at him, heavy lidded and shining with lust.
"Want to fuck you," he murmurmed, the tight hold on Spike's hair gentling as he run his fingers through the curls. He pulled Spike up and with him to the bedroom.
Want to love you Spike allowed himself to get dragged into the bedroom, eyeing Xander when the boy kicked the door shut.
And then Xander's arms were around him, his cock pressed up hard against Spike's left cheek. Need. There was so much of it. He could hear it in Xander's labored breath. In the desperate way Xander pushed him toward the bed. Grinding his ass into Xander, he reached behind, gripping his thigh, encouraging him. Maybe this would make it better between them. Turning his head slightly, he smiled.
There was no return smile. Just heat. Raw, aching heat in the way Xander looked at him. "Please... Xan..."
"That doesn't work anymore," Xander muttered, turning Spike around to capture his lips again. He pushed Spike on the bed, kneeling between the blond's spread legs, looking down at the hard cock, perfect as the rest of him. Xander hated this, hated how his body reacted to Spike like that. He hated that part of him that wanted to smile at Spike and make it all better, hated Spike for leaving him, for coming back like this. He took Spike's cock in his hand, moaning softly at the feel of that hardness on his skin, not even realizing that he'd said those thoughts out loud.
White hot heat had Spike almost come off the bed. Only Xander's firm hand on his abdomen held him in place. Squirming, lifting his pelvis, craving more pressure, he rasped. "I'm sorry... so so sorry. Xan."
"Shut up. You don't get to say that, you don't get to leave and then say that," Xander pushed his mouth against Spike's, desperate to shut him up as much as to taste him. Any more of this and he would break, he couldn't afford to break, he hadn't done it since he was seven years old. He thrust his tongue roughly inside Spike's mouth, pressing his body down against his and grinding their cocks together.
Spike wanted to talk. God how he wanted to, but his body had other ideas. Surging against Xander, he groaned at the flood of feelings washing over him with every stroke of that tongue. Rough or not, the boy knew what he was doing. Every fibre of Spike's body responded, tongue slid against tongue, bodies came together. His body came alive with a vengeance, sensitive, needy. As the pressure built, he groped Xander's ass, pulling him closer, swallowing the plea stuck in the back of his throat.
Xander was torn between the need to keep going, keep thrusting against Spike until he found his release and the need to push inside that hot body.
He moved off Spike, fumbling with the bedside table's drawer until he could pull it open and get the lube. He turned back to glance at Spike and the sight made him move that much faster, tugging at the cap until it broke open.
"Don't want to need this...don't want to," he muttered as he returned to kneel in front of Spike. He pushed a pillow under the blond's back and slicked one finger, looking into Spike's eyes as he pushed it inside.
Want you to need this. Want you to need more. Spike rolled his head back as he closed around Xander's finger. "More," he thrust up, meeting air, "pl.... " That hadn't worked too well before. "Fuck me. Just do it," he reached down and grabbed Xander's hips, trying to pull him up over his body.
Xander resisted the move, anxious to do this right. He quickly added another finger, trying to get Spike as open as he could, as fast as he could. He ignored the whimpers and demands aimed his way, until he thought Spike's body was ready for more. Then he finally allowed the blond to pull him up, and took hold of Spike's hips, tilting them up as he pushed inside, burying himself in Spike's body.
The initial flash of pain dulled quickly. If anything, Spike was surprised by Xander's gentleness... and the fact he hadn't had him turn over. This was a lot more intimate, or maybe it hadn't occured to him. He started to buck, urging Xander on, kneading his back, taking harsh breaths as each thrust took him closer to the edge.
He focused on Xander's face. The intensity of the boy's expression was enough to make him want to explode then and there. And when his mouth parted, when he breathed out some sounds, Spike started jerking up... demanding more, harder, faster... he needed this. He needed Xander now.
Xander barely realized that he was calling out Spike's name, telling himself that Spike was real. He focused on the physical pleasure, the feeling of Spike's hands on his body, the tight heat surrounding his cock. Bracing his arms on either side of Spike's head, he leaned down for a hard kiss, moving his hips more and more erratically as he finally found his release.
He'd never been with a human before. He had an inkling it wouldn't be the same with just any human. This one was special. This one was his, as much as he'd been Xanders. Lost in emotions and sensations, the sudden kiss surprised him... it was his undoing. A moment later, he was shattering into a million pieces, hoarsely crying out Xander's name, holding him tight... refusing to let him move away. He ran his knuckles over Xander's cheek, but pulled his hand away like it had been burned. "Sorry," he whispered, taking a breath.
Sorry for letting you down. Sorry for leaving you alone. Sorry for letting Big One hurt you. Sorry for all the time we lost.
Xander ignored the words, ignored the tears running down his cheeks and just let his body relax against Spike. He just needed to rest a moment, then he'd tell Spike to go. He just needed a few moments to relax.
Xander woke up feeling calm and at peace for the first time in years. He smiled a little to himself and tried to stretch his body, his smile fading as he realized that there were arms holding him close, hindering his movements. Spike. Spike was still here. Xander pushed the arms away, angry at himself for letting Spike stay, even angrier that the blond had managed to make him feel better in one night than anyone else had managed to do in years.
You can't rely on him, he left remember? He left and he going to leave again but this time you'll be the one telling him to go.
Xander got out of the bed, not looking at the stirring blond in it. He pulled his robe on, and walked towards the door.
"Your one night is over. Get out," he said, just before he left the room.
The harsh words and tone interrupted Spike's dreams, bringing reality crashing down around his head. He and Xander were not friends again. There would be no going to human movies, or one of those amusement parks Boy had talked about and that he'd been dying to see all these years. There would be no safety in the crook of Boy's neck, not for Spike... not anymore.
Reluctantly, he swung his legs over the side of the bed. Listening to the sounds coming from the kitchen. Though he didn't expect anything... a word, a thank you, a goodbye, he did wonder if he could get away with asking for a cup of coffee. Maybe talking Xander into making one of Mom's specialties. The thought of peanut butter sandwhiches made his stomach growl. He was hungry.
He'd put his boxers on and was reaching for his leather pants when he was overpowered by a scent he knew so well. Copper and spice. Xander's blood. It called to him as strong as ever. Stronger, now that his diet was mostly blood. Almost blind with intense need, Spike stumbled into the kitchen, eyes laser focused on Xander... on the finger Xander had sliced...
Xander glared at his bleeding finger, cursing himself for being so clumsy. He'd been trying to cut a slice of cheese but he'd somehow managed to take his finger with it.
"This is what you get for using a knife when your hands are trembling you idiot," he muttered, "and where do you get off getting upset over that asshole anyway. He left you remember? Fuck, I'm talking to myself. First sign of madness all because of a stupid fairy. You'd think seeing fairies would be the first sign of madness. And now I'm babbling to myself. Just. Fucking. Perfect." Xander banged his forehead on the cupboard over the counter and closed his eyes, trying to win back some self-control.
The cursing, the anger... it should have stopped Spike. But it didn't. In two long strides, he was in front of Xander, taking his hand and closing his mouth over the bleeding finger.
Ecstacy. That's what Xander tasted like.
Xander stared at Spike, eyes growing wider as he felt the blond’s tongue flickering over his finger. At first he’d been too shocked to push Spike away but now, now his body was responding and Xander couldn’t help but moan and push his finger that little bit inside Spike’s mouth.
Spike's entire body reacted. His blood surged, roaring in his ears. A craving he knew from way back when, only stronger, and less innocent overcame him with a vengeance. Flicking his tongue around the wound one last time, he drew the finger out of his mouth.
When Spike moved his mouth away Xander moaned in disappointment, but before he had a chance to protest, Spike had walked behind him, pressing his front against Xander’s back and pulling him in an embrace.
He didn't want to go. Couldn't. Not when Xander's blood was singing to him, calling him, filling his mind and soul with need. Though Xander wasn't pulling away from him, not yet... he was tense. Spike tried to get access to his throat, but ended up rubbing his mouth across Xander's ear.
If he begged, if he asked, he knew the answer would be no. Xander would come to his sense. He'd send him away. Make him leave though he was raging with this sweet and terrible craving that no one else could satiate.
Slowly... hesitently, he slipped his hand into Xander's robe, moving his palm up and down, then in circles, each one closer to his cock. The way the boy's robe was jutting out, he was having his own troubles.
Xander’s breath caught as he felt Spike’s hand slip under his robe, moving in soothing circles over his skin, making him want more. His hands gripped the edge of the counter as he told himself not to move, not to want, not to need damnit. But he could feel Spike’s warm breath against his ear and the hand was now loosely circling his cock, his body would not be denied.
He thrust his hips forward into Spike’s fist, his breathing growing more laboured as Spike gave him what he wanted, both hands working him now, one on his cock, the other pinching and tugging at his nipples. Xander’s head fell back on Spike’s shoulder, eyes closed against the feelings the blond provoked.
"Whatever you want. Always... whatever you want," Spike felt his fangs extend. He scraped them lightly across Xander's vein, felt him loll his head back even more, needing it... not knowing what it was, but he wanted it, as much as Spike.
Hearing a tortured murmur, he whispered, "I'm right here." Pressing his teeth down, he gained quick entrance into the vein. Hot, sweet, spicy liquid raced into his mouth, making him go as hard as Xander.
Closing his fist tighter around Xander, he increased the pressure, stroking him, feeling him thrust harder and harder into his hand, as he sucked harder on the wound in his throat. Neither one had any control over what they did anymore. None.
Spike's mind was a red haze of lust. The movements of his hand became more desperate, as did the grinding of his hips against Xander's ass. The scraps of cloth between them was frustrating, but he was too far gone to do anything about it. And when Xander started to make sounds... started to shake and shudder in his arms, white hot heat inched through every vein in Spike's body. He was burning up... taking his boy with him.
Xander hadn’t been sure what he’d been pleading for but the second he felt Spike’s heat inside him he knew. One hand snaked around Spike’s head, pulling him closer while the other reached back to grab anything of his, landing on his ass and pushing him closer to him. He could feel Spike’s cock hard against him, and for a moment he wondered what it would feel like to have him inside. Phantom feeling of what that might be like and Xander was frantically thrusting into Spike’s fist, pushing his ass back to get as much of that hardness as he could.
He felt Spike stiffen up, heard him groan against his shoulder, the vibrations moving through Xander’s body and pushing him over the edge.
Xander nearly collapsed from the intensity of his orgasm, slumping against Spike, letting himself enjoy being held by him. The arm holding Spike’s head to him loosened, unconsciously touching the place he’d felt the heat before coming down. Xander sighed softly and opened his eyes, immediately stiffening and pulling away from Spike.
“Blood? There’s blood!” His hand went back to the heat, and came back covered with small traces of blood. “What did you do to me? What…get out. Get out now!” Xander pushed Spike further away from him, stared in horror for a moment before retreating to the living room. He had to think…he had to…Spike bit him? How? What had…damnit he couldn’t think!
Stumbling back, Spike saw the sheer horror in Xander's expression. It had been beautiful, they'd been one in so many ways... but Boy didn't think so. Reverting to his childhood name, Spike ran a hand over his face. There would be no talking. Not today.
In absolute silence, he returned to the bedroom and finished dressing. The indentations in the two pillows, overlapping slightly, made him ache. He hurt for Xander, and he hurt for himself.
Xander stayed in the living room, pacing until Spike emerged from the bedroom looking hesitant and sad. Xander merely looked coldly at the blond, watching as he left his home.
“And good riddance to you,” he snapped after the door closed.
Xander walked home from work, looking around as he walked, searching for the familiar figure around him. He pretended not to be disappointed when there was no sign of Spike anywhere.
I told him to go and he went. Why am I so surprised anyway, not like he hasn’t done it before.
He kept telling himself that until he reached his door.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded, his tone at odds with the relief running through him at the sight of Spike once again leaning against his door.
Spike searched his face. Still no sign of the boy he knew. If only they could talk. If only he could tell him the things in his heart.
"Got nowhere else to go," he said, eventually. "We Fey sorts can't go around finding housing here, yeah? Someone has to take us in. Usually a child takes pity." His eyes clung to Xander's begging him to remember... remember taking him in. Remember their bond.
“Yeah…children are dumb like that,” Xander whispered, fighting back the memories. He didn’t need to remember how much fun he’d had with Spike, how good it’d felt to have someone love him like that. All he needed to remember was that Spike had left.
Not saying another word, he went into the apartment, closing the door behind him and leaning back against it for support. Spike’s presence affected him more than he wanted to admit. He was beginning to remember what it had been like before, when he could laugh without wondering what was coming next.
With a heavy sigh he pushed off the door and went to the bathroom. He ignored his body’s reaction to seeing Spike again, willing his erection away. He didn’t want to think about this. He pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and wandered to the kitchen to make dinner. Xander waited for the microwave to ping, absently scratching his scar. It was a while before he realized that something was wrong.
He looked down to verify what he’d felt. The scar was gone. It was just…gone.
“What the hell did he do to me?”
Instead of anger, his voice was filled with awe. Xander couldn’t understand what was happening. Spike was real and he was back and he acted like he cared for him. But that just didn’t make sense. Nobody cared for him except for maybe Willow. And Spike had left, how could he care, he’d abandoned Xander. You don’t leave the ones you care about, Xander knew that much.
Xander abandoned the idea of dinner and just went to bed. He lay there, staring at the ceiling and trying to make sense of the situation until his brain just gave out and he fell asleep.
For hours, he'd walked the street. Didn't have that many options really. He could find a child to *adopt* him. But really there was only one child he wanted, and that one's childhood was not only gone, but it was dead. He could go back to the land of the Fey. A little of the right sorts of nectar, and thoughts of drowning in soulful brown eyes, of laughing with Xander... of food fights, and a hundred ways of breaking in a bed, wouldn't torture him.
Or... he could find himself in front of this closed door. Day after day. Night after night.
Making a face at the thought, he shifted to fairy form. Dropping to the ground, and then zipping right up. He went around the building, and found the window to Xander's room. It was open. Long gone were the days when he'd keep it tightly closed to make sure his fairy didn't leave him.
Without a by your leave, Spike flew inside, spinning in circles around Xander's head. Eyes closed deep in sleep, mouth soft and pliable, not hard and angry, he could see the innocent child in Xander again. Maybe tomorrow would be the day.
Fighting the urge to land on the bad. To either sleep in the nape of his neck, or to shift forms and hold him tight, he flew to the chest of drawers in the corner of the bedroom and looked for a place to rest. The tissue box worked for him.
Rolling on his stomach, Spike neatly retracted his wings. Xander had chased the nightmares away last night. Maybe it would be the same tonight. He was close after all... and he could smell the boy's scent around him. "No dreams. No bloody dreams tonight," he ordered out loud, and closed his eyes.
He'd flown for days without stopping to eat or drink, crossed no man's land and into the land of the Fey. By the time he landed where the fairy children where housed, his wings felt battered and damaged, his shoulders ached, and he was as weak as a babe. And yet, parched throat and all, he managed to ask for help... to tell them he needed it now, that Boy was in danger.
One thing that was the same in Man lands and in Fey lands... no one listened to the children.
Escape was impossible for him. Fairy children were born in beautiful blossoms growing in Man lands. When the time came, the elder fairies came out to gather the children. Spike had been a bad bad fairy, he'd hidden when others were collected. And then he'd found Boy.
He didn't have a heart... but it still ached when he thought about him. Every day he thought about him, remembering his face, his voice, his gentle hands... the way they played and argued, his scent. Afraid to forget, he fought the loss of memory this way.
Seeing his classmates buzz off, he flew after them, until he hit an invisible wall and fell down to the ground. "Darn it" He kicked at the wall and hurt his good.
"Stop pouting. You can't go out there, not until you're fully socialized, like the rest. Why is it the vampire babes give me trouble..." The elder fairy shook her head and swung her long thick braid behind her shoulder. "If you'd listened to your internal instincts, you would have returned to the fold and been able to travel back and forth."
He had felt the call of the land of the Fey. But Boy's call had thundered louder in his ears. And those peanut butter sandwiches...
"And stop dreaming. You have a lot to accomplish here."
"Not dreaming. It happened, all of it. I found a friend... I don't have any here..."
"If you tried, you would. All you do is talk about the outside world."
"I only want to go for a minute, can't I? I want to tell him..."
The elder started to sparkle with angry red showers of light. "You know the rule. It is ingrained in you, and I don't have to repeat it. Do I?"
Spike's defiant look only lasted a minute. He knew, of course he did. He's always known. Tell a human anything about the land of the Fey, the affairs of the Fey, and his life was forfeit. Warrior fairies could be sent to take care of the one with knowledge. He'd been good. He hadn't told Boy anything, other than the obvious, that he was a fairy. "I just want to tell him that I'll be back, when I'm big and strong. When I can really help him," he whispered.
"By then, he will have forgotten you. They all do," she said more gently, patting his silky blond locks. "It is our deliverance and our curse."
"He will remember me," Spike stamped a small foot. "He will!"
How long until he was soc... socialized? How long before he'd be free to grow to man-size in return for... for whatever they wanted. He'd put his inked wing mark on the paper... they said he was going to be larger than Big One. Only how soon?
He had no idea how much time had passed. But he was done! Done with school. Done with learning how to survive in both worlds.
And he'd grown. Looking into the stream at himself, he saw strong lean muscles. Now when the trolls used their own brand of magic to make him large... then he'd show Big One... Xander's father. Imagining himself pulling the man away from Xander and pushing him down on the ground, a smile played around his mouth.
He heard his name called. This was it! This was it!
One by one, each fairy was given directions to their new cottage and words of advice, except for those who wanted more out of life than to live in the land of the Fey or travel to and from the land of Man.
"Alright, those of you going to Troll territory, follow M'larion," an elder pointed to the guide. "Take your contracts with you."
Spike stepped forward. "I've got something to do. I mean before going to... to Troll territory."
The elder waved the contract in front of Spike. "Here, take it. And do note that your servitude starts immediately upon graduation. You signed it... you can't break it..."
"Servitude?" Spike blinked and read the words. Now that he understood them, he wished he'd listened to the elders who'd tried to dissuade him from signing it... who'd told him to wait till he was older. "Doesn't say for how long... just how much treasure loads I retrieve."
The look on the elder's face made his stomach sink. "I'll be back, I have to go... tell someone, and I'll be back for..." He took off, and damned if he didn't still smack into the invisible wall. Wings beating hard, he tried... again...and again.... and again, until he'd rammed himself into oblivion, and darkness took him.
* * *
Pushing the heavy cart through the mine tunnels, Spike lost his footing. The cart slid back, ramming into him. "Fu..."
Kurn flew over to Spike, wings fluttering fast and hard. He hadn't liked the look of this one since the first moment he'd come to the mines, he was too soft, too vocal. He'd come into the mine kicking and screaming, yelling about some human boy he had to warn. What kind of fairy cared about some human?
"Had another accident, Spike?" he asked, landing in front of the cart. "Better be careful, you don't want to be punished again do you?" Kurn growled, flashing into game face. He'd had a taste of that blood the last time Spike had been punished and he couldn't wait to have another. He was sure he would, the boy couldn't help but get in trouble. "Two more punishments and the third, well, you don't want to spend more time here Spike, what will happen to your precious Boy if you do?" Kurn laughed and flew away, ignoring the angry growl behind him.
Spike bunched his hands at his sides. Wait till his servitude was over. That overlord fairy would get his. The ovelord fairies were sell outs. Turned against their own, made 'em work harder, and got extra luxuries. He swore some of them let it get to their heads. Like Kurn. The guy had it in for him.
Straightening, Spike put his arms out and started to push the cart again. His muscles bulged and strained, screamed with pain. But it was nothing close to what could happen if Kurn got on his case again. It made his gut crawl to think of the last time. They'd tied him to a wheel, turned it upside down, then Kurn had used the whip on him. Spike had refused to beg for him to stop, so it went on and on. But that wasn't the worst of it.
Afterwards. When all the others were gone... he'd felt Kurn press up against him. If the overlord thought he'd been out cold, he was wrong. He'd felt the bastard's furtive movements against him, as he licked away the blood. It had taken all the control he had left to stop himself from screaming at him. From using every troll curse he'd ever learned.
Kurn stomped into the bar, feeling angrier than usual. Spike's time was nearly up and Kurn had yet to have another taste of that sweet hot blood. Spike had been very careful lately, he didn't want to waste more time before he got back to his precious boy. Kurn snarled at the mere thought of a human having that much power over a fairy, and a vampire fairy at that! He smiled as his snarl made the fairy next to him scramble away. He eyed the clientele of the bar, looking for someone to assuage his thirst. Spike would be leaving the next day and Kurn wanted to avoid thinking about it. He hated being so helpless.
Spike leaned into the magical fairy. He was sweet, and all smiles, even in a place like this. But his eyes spoke of the horrors of their existence. And they both knew how the night would end. They'd find a nice lily to tumble into, get naked, and sink their sorrows into each other. Find a little peace, a little numbness.
He hadn't got the guy's name yet, but when the guy wistfully asked what he would do once his servitude was over, Spike gave his one sure answer. "Go to the land of man. Find the boy... Xander. He was my friend. I'll free him from servitude to his father, and take him somewhere safe, and give him ice cream and peanut butter, and let him play all the games he wants." This time, he'd be the bigger one, and young Xander would be small. He'd make a much much better father for him than Big One, that was for sure. "What about you... When your time is done?"
The familiar voice, saying the very words Kurn didn't want to hear brought his pissy mood right back. He glared at the direction of the voice, spotting Spike dancing with a little brunet. Always boys for Spike and always dark-haired with those fucking huge brown eyes. Kurn narrowed his own green eyes and stalked over, relaxing his body as he walked until his stride was loose and rhythmical. He could play charming when he wanted, and he wanted to take what Spike wanted, even if Spike only wanted it for one night.
He pressed his body on the fairy's back, wrapping his arms around him and looking at Spike as he whispered. "Don't waste time on this guy, he only has eyes for his little human." He nipped at the fairy's neck and licked the small drop of blood that appeared, reveling in Spike's angry look. He was going to have what Spike wanted.
Besides, the little fairy would scream so prettily for him.
Spike saw fear and pain spasm across the fairy's face. You didn't take blood without preparing your partner, licking, making sure the skin grew less sensitive. The scent of terror surrounded him suddenly, and he couldn't do it... he couldn't leave the fairy to fend for himself. Even if his servitude was over. Even if this could....
Gritting his teeth, he gripped the fairy by the and tugged him close. Never mind that Kurn was still plastered to him. "Fuck off... find your own partner," he pushed his hands between the vampire fairy and the magical fairy, shoving Kurn roughly. "He's not yours, yeah?"
The minute he managed to separate them, he told the brunet to leave quickly. He'd find him later. Famous last words .
Instead of getting mad, Kurn smiled nastily. He hadn't planned it this way but it didn't matter, this was better than what he'd had in mind.
"I guess you couldn't stand to leave without one last time on the wheel, Spike, because this is what your little attitude is going to cost you."
Xander was woken up by an almighty crash. Even after years living away from his parents, he snapped awake immediately eyes darting around the room to spot the cause of the noise. It took him a few minutes before he realized that the sound had come from across his bedroom.
"No, please, no!"
The voice sounded familiar, though he'd never heard it take on that tone before. Xander sat up, throwing the lights on when he spotted the thrashing fairy. Spike was full-sized and screaming on his floor, obviously asleep and in the middle of a huge nightmare. More worried than he cared to admit, Xander knelt next to Spike and reached out to touch him.
"Spike? Wake up."
Spike reacted violently and Xander was slammed against the wall, knocking his head and back on it.
"Ouch. Right, no touching the sleeping fairy then," he murmured, reaching back to touch his head.
Xander crawled closer to Spike, making sure not to touch him.
"What the hell am I supposed to do now?" he wondered, watching as scarlet tears filled Spike's eyes, running down his cheeks and staining the carpet. "Spike, you have to wake up. I don't know what to do and you're the only one who can tell me. Come on, Spike wake up now." No reaction and Xander was getting more and more worried. "I promise I won't tell you to fuck off again, I'll...I'll make you one of those sandwiches you used to love, remember? You thought mom cooked the peanut butter and you were so damn proud of her for getting it right. A-and I have cola in the fridge, the bubbles make you sneeze. Come on Spike, wake up. Please," Xander reached out again, lightly touching Spike's hair. The fairy had frozen in place, eyes squeezed shut and panting heavily. "I don't think I can deal if you don't wake up, Spike..."
"Can't do this... can't hold me. I have to go... Boy is waiting... he's waiting." Hand now thrown over his face, Spike cried out against the threats to add time to his servitude. Then a word cut through it all. His name. Eyes opening suddenly, he jack knifed to a sitting position, instinctively reaching for Xander, holding him tight against his chest. Chase away my nightmares.
"Hey, hey it's okay, don't shake, it's okay." Xander automatically started soothing Spike, the same way he'd wanted to be soothed when he was a boy. The same way Spike had done it then. His arms went around Spike, rubbing circles on his back, trying to calm him down. He petted and talked until the shaking subsided and he could feel Spike calm a bit.
"So...who was holding you? You said Boy was waiting and they wouldn't let you go." Xander leaned back to look at Spike, hoping for an answer that would allow the little spark of hope he'd felt at Spike's words to grow. Maybe he hadn't left him after all, maybe he'd been taken. Why else would he have nightmares about someone not letting him come back?
Warmth. Protection. Calmness. The nightmare receded, until the question came. Tensing, Spike swallowed under the intensity of Xander's gaze. "I can't..." his voice was anguished. "I wish I could tell. But dangerous, not allowed." Please understand.
"You can't." Xander frowned, trying to decide whether to believe Spike or not. Despite the self-assured image he tried to convey, Xander never trusted his judgement. Especially on people. "Why not?"
"Don't believe all your fairy stories. When it comes to Fairy affairs, rules are strict. Don't ask. Plea..." Afraid his plea would be thrown back at his teeth, he ran a hand through his hair. "I can't tell, but you can. Tell me what happened. After that night. After..." he touched Xander's thigh, unable to say the words.
Xander just sat there staring at Spike. Rules are strict. That was it, that was Spike's reason for not telling him. Rules are strict. "I don't want to talk about it. We should get you in the bed. You're still shaking a little." He got up and turned the covers back, reaching back to help Spike up and into the bed.
He meant in his bed? Spike dumbly allowed himself to be lead, hesitated, then sat down, watching in disbelieve as Xander pulled the covers over him.
Without saying another word, Xander walked around to the other side of the bed and climbed in next to Spike. He lay down with his back to the blond and tried to relax enough to sleep.
"What do you mean 'strict', what kind of strict? What do the rest of the fairies have to do with anything anyway?" Xander was as surprised by his own words as Spike must be. He'd been truly planning to sleep but the words had burst out of his mouth before he could stop them.
Spike rolled over onto his side. “I can’t tell... I really can’t, or I would,” he put his hand on Xander’s cheek, willing him to believe. It was the plight of fairies... to have to hope for human’s to believe in things that didn’t fit with their world or things that could not be explained. “Just know... I would never leave you. Never. Not unless you made me.”
Xander looked into Spike's eyes for a moment, he leaned into the hand, felt the spark of electricity pass through him...maybe he should stop thinking for a little while. His eyes fluttered closed and he leaned forward to place his lips on Spike's, moaning softly in remembered pleasure.
Biting his lip, Spike raises himself up and looked down into Xander’s face. He was beautiful, and ordinarily Spike would be compelled to kiss him. But it bothered him that Xander was already in a different place... that he was seeing him as one of his fucking stress relief brigade. “Xander... tell me about your life after. Please. I want to know.”
"No," the word was not as harsh as Xander would like, he was already leaning in again, wanting that kiss. It doesn't matter, none of it mattered so long as he could get a kiss.
When Xander’s lips grazed his, Spike was lost. How could he resist when his body was already tightening, when they fit together so perfectly? Unable to resist the invitation, he kissed Xander long and hard, delving his tongue inside the guy’s mouth, exploring every corner, stroking, tangling their tongues together in a heated dance. Fuck... this boy made him go insane like no other.
Confident of his victory, Xander pushed Spike back and pressed his body against his. He moved his lips sideways, licking and nibbling along Spike's jaw and down to his neck.
Instinctively, Spike raised his hips, clenching his teeth as he gained the pressure he needed, rubbing up against Xander. “Good... feels good,” he muttered, putting his hands around Xander, and sliding them down over rippling muscles, to his hips. It was different this time. But was it different enough?
A part of Spike didn’t care. The part that needed this... wanted it. The part that wanted to hear Xander panting his name, that wanted Xander’s eyes to go dark and fuzzy. But another part of him wanted it to be real. “Are you going to kick me out in the morning?” The question hung between them.
"Keep doing what you're doing and you can stick around." The words were muttered against Spike's neck as Xander thrust harder against Spike. He was confused about a lot of things, wasn't sure if this thing between them was just physical anymore but he needed this release, needed it more than he'd thought when he first kissed the blond
With Xander surround him, all over him, Spike could hardly think. How was he to fight the waves of desire that washed over him, the heat that inched through his veins? The urge to feel skin against skin, meet thrust for thrust? And yet... he could stay if he kept doing what he was doing...
He’d kick himself for this later.....
With a frustrated groan, he started to roll them over, and then wished himself to fairy form. Six inches of mass... and all of it totally worthless to a big man like Xander, he circled him, breath labored, and his body visibly still in an urgent state of arousal. “I’m no two-bit whore paying for my bed that way, yeah? When you see me... really see me... ask me back to your bed.”
Xander grinned as Spike finally took the initiative and pushed them around, his smile turning into a frown when the warm pressure of Spike's body suddenly disappeared.
"What? What are you talking about?" he demanded, angry that Spike had drawn back, leaving him hot and hard like that.
“You heard me.” Damn... he was hard, Xander was hard... pheremones where filling his head with images that threatened to make him drop this... this stand he was taking. But no, he couldn’t.
Wings fluttering, he flew backwards... away from temptation. “I want to go out... to eat dinner... to talk. I want a ... a date... not just to fall in bed, and then pretend it never happened the next day. I want more.”
Xander immediately shut down. "More. Of course." Xander didn't do 'more'. He didn't go out, he didn't talk and he sure as hell didn't go out on dates. But Spike wanted all that, all those things that Xander couldn't do. He looked at the small creature flying in front of him. He wasn't of this world. How long before he left again anyway? "You can sleep anywhere you want tonight. Hell you can even stick around tomorrow if you want. Your choice. Goodnight Spike."
So saying he turned his back on Spike and firmly told himself that he didn't care if Spike wanted him or not. He was doing the right thing. He was!
“I love you Xander. Like before, but different. I’ll be here in the morning.” It was a promise nothing on earth would make him break. Ducking his head down, he flew out of the bedroom. Not that stupid. He wasn’t going to be tortured by the pheremones all night long.
Xander woke up, feeling happy and content. It took him a moment to realize that the happiness stemmed from the dreams. He'd spent the night living through scene after scene of dating and playing and laughing, all with Spike.
Great, just great, show me exactly what I want why don't you," he grumbled, stumbling out of the bedroom.
He found Spike sitting at the sofa, looking miserable and dejected.
"Oh don't look like that, I'm not kicking you out. Come on, I'll make you breakfast." He walked past the sofa without looking at Spike and started getting out the ingredients for a peanut butter sandwich.
Well... he was in a better mood than yesterday, or so Spike thought as he followed Xander to the kitchen. Having prevented Xander’s stress release plans last night, he’d expected worse. Much worse than....He started to smell a familiar aroma.
“Is that what I think it is?” His mouth watered as he was struck by memories of the good old days, sharing Mom’s cooking. A sandwich. That’s what Xander was making for breakfast!
It felt right, sitting at the breakfast table while Xander cooked. If felt right. If only Xander would feel it too.
"Oh don't look like that, I'm not kicking you out. Come on, I'll make you breakfast." He walked past the sofa without looking at Spike and started getting out the ingredients for a peanut butter sandwich.
Well... he was in a better mood than yesterday, or so Spike thought as he followed Xander to the kitchen. Having prevented Xander's stress release plans last night, he'd expected worse. Much worse than....He started to smell a familiar aroma.
"Is that what I think it is?" His mouth watered as he was struck by memories of the good old days, sharing Mom's cooking. A sandwich. That's what Xander was making for breakfast!
It felt right, sitting at the breakfast table while Xander cooked. If felt right. If only Xander would feel it too.
"Yup. Figured if there was one thing you missed about this world it'd be peanut butter. And...erm...I promised you last night that I'd give you some if you woke up. There's coke in the fridge."
Xander turned his back on Spike, ostenibly to finish the sandwich. He heard Spike move around behind him,
"I don't do dates. Or talking. Or playing. I'm not very good at it, people tend to leave me when I try." Despite the internal turmoil, his tone was even, sure. He knew what he was talking about and he knew that he was right. He just wasn't good at being with other people, he'd never learned how.
"Told you I wouldn't do that again," Spike said in a quiet voice. Putting his hands on Xander's shoulders, he turned him around. "You won't believe me. Believe this." He kissed Xander, winding his arms around the guy, pulling him up hard against his frame. Exploring every inch of that glorious mouth, and sliding his hand up and down his back. What Xander wouldn't listen to in words, Spike hoped he'd listen with his body... and mostly his soul. Hear me
Xander drowned in that kiss, lost in the feeling of Spike wrapped around him. He let himself feel for a while, ignoring his mind screaming at him that he shouldn't do this, Spike would leave again. His brain finally won and he pulled back, breathing hard and staring at Spike.
"I...how do I know, Spike? How do I...I don't even know why you left the first time! You're not human, you could go home at any time and I'd be stuck here, alone again."
"How?" Spike jabbed him in the chest, where Xander's heart should be. "Because you bloody well better feel it here. You did before, you believed in me... that's why you could see me. I used to listen to your heart when you slept. It put me to sleep at nights, I missed its sound for so long, couldn't sleep without it. Know this, I wouldn't break it on purpose."
Dropping his eyelids to cover his pain, he took the sandwich from the counter. "And know this. I am not part of the stress relief brigade. Not anymore." Lifting his chin, he finally met Xander's gaze again. "Not with you. I can't."
Xander dropped his eyes and took a step back. "Yeah, well, we have a problem then don't we? Because I don't know if I can trust that and you don't want what I can offer." He knew Spike wasn't rejecting him, he knew it. But knowing it and feeling it were too different things. "I have to get to work," he mumbled and moved around Spike to the door.
Without turning, Spike bit into the sandwich. It tasted like sawdust. Not at all like how he remembered.
Xander went to work, feeling like shit. On the one hand he wasn't about to lie to anyone just to get sex, he couldn't tell Spike he was going to give him something when he wasn't sure he could. On the other hand...he wanted so much to believe that Spike would stay. He was so focused on his inner misery he barely noticed it was lunch time.
"God, I'm turning into the brood king," he said, disgusted with himself for thinking like that. What the hell was Spike doing to him? Making him think he could have things like that?
He went to stand by the window, staring out at his crew. They seemed to be having fun, all gathered around a truck and bopping to the music. Xander wanted to join them so badly but he'd never been able to bring himself to just go there and chat. As he watched, a little girl ran towards the men, taking a running jump to land in John's arms. Must be his daughter, Xander thought absently. He'd never been able to do that, trust his father enough to jump and know he'd be caught. The girl was followed at a more sedate pace by a woman, who leaned forward and kissed John.
"You left your medicine at home, sweetheart. You know you can't work with a headache."
Xander kept watching as John pulled his wife in a hug, still holding his daughter to his chest.
"You always take care of me, don't you?"
Xander kept staring, unaware of the tears running down his cheeks. He wanted that so badly, someone to treat him like that. Someone who could take care of him. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall. Maybe a date with Spike wasn't so impossible.
With the preternatural quiet of his kind, Spike entered Xander's office. The sight of water... tears on Xander's cheeks wrenched at his gut. Dropping the boxed lunches on his desk, he found himself in front of Xander, using his thumbs to wipe away the tears. "Tell me who it is I should kill," he offered simply.
Xander jumped back in surprise, hitting the wall with a bang.
"Ouch. That keeps happening around you. What are you doing here? Why would you kill someone?"
"I want to know who made you cry." He stared at him. "Just give me his name."
Xander raised his eyebrows, looking at Spike in disbelief. "You want to kill the guy who made me cry? Why?"
"It's like knitting, a pastime." Spike could tell he wasn't going to get a name. Despite his hard as nails act, Xander's heart was as softy and gooey as ever. At least when it came to some things.
Leaning back against the edge of the desk, he gestured toward the boxes. "Brought you some lunch. You ran out of there so fast, didn't have time to make anything, did you."
"You brought me lunch?" Xander looked from Spike to the packed boxes and back to Spike again. "You brought me lunch. And you want to kill the guy who made me cry. I don't understand."
"Don't teach you much in human schools, do they?" Tearing open one of the boxes, he reached for the peanutbutter cookie. He didn't have to eat, none of this had nutritional value for him. But he enjoyed the flavor of food. "Go on then, eat before ut gets cold."
Still staring uncomprehendingly at Spike, Xander reached out for a sandwich. He looked outside at the laughing family and back to Spike, perched on his desk and smiling tentatively at him.
"Thanks," he said softly, smiling back. Maybe going on a date wouldn't be so bad.
Xander tried to work up the nerve to telll Spike what he thought when someone knocked on the door.
Steve walked in slowly, hovering a little next to the door before stepping inside.
"Hey...look I know you don't want to hang with us much but the guys are going out tonight, sort of a goodbye thing for Harry and you two worked together for years and we thought you might want to come."
Spike saw Xander working his mouth, and interrupted before a sound came out. "I'll make sure he's there," Spike looked at Xander and flashed his most innocent smile. "We were going out tonight anyway, might as well kill two birds with one stone."
"We were?" Xander curbed his surprise at the hopeful look in Steve's face. The guy seemed to have made it a personal mission to make Xander be part of the group. "Erm...yeah we were. I mean, it's okay if Spike comes too, right?" He hated sounding so uncertain but he wasn't sure how to take this.
I'm pretty domesticated, don't bite," Spike said, puffing his chest. Why should anyone object to his presence anyway. Though he kept his face and tone impassive, Xander was as close to getting hugged and swung around as he'd ever been. It was a good the boy had no clue.
"No, no it's fine!" Steve hastened to add, fighting the urge to shout in triumph. Not only was Xander coming, he was bringing the boyfriend too! Steve had been trying to come out to his workmates for weeks and having another gay guy around would be a surefire way to see their reaction. Especially seeing as the gay guy was their boss. "I'll tell the guys. It's cool." Seeing the indecision in Xander's face, Steve hastened to leave, not wanting to give his boss a chance to change his mind.
Xander looked at the closing door, trying to make sense of what was going on. It seemed to him that he'd gone from not wanting Spike around to contemplating a date to going out with Spike and a bunch of his coworkers too.
"Well that was...surreal." He turned his gaze to the blond, "What just happened?"
"You scored a date with me. Congratulations, now eat... and can I have your peanut butter biscuit?" He couldn't quiet keep the merriment out of his eyes. It didn't take much to get a fairy happy.
Xander absently handed over the biscuit, still trying to figure out how he went from one end to the other.
By the time they were due to meet the others at the local bar, Xander was a mass of nerves. He was standing outside the bar, his head swimming in all kinds of panicked thoughts. What if they didn't like him? He hadn't really talked much to anyone in the past couple of years. What if they did like him but not enough to hang out with him after tonight? What if they were gay bashers?! What if-
'Lo, Xan. Nice of you to wait for me out here," Spike slapped him on the back lightly. "You alright? Need something strong, do you?" He wished he could kiss him better, but didn't know how much the guy's friends knew about him. "You can do anything for an hour, then we'll leave. I can break you into this date thing a little at a time," he winked.
"I don't do dates," Xander replied automatically, still staring at the door. He didn't want to show weakness in front of Spike, didn't want to come off looking needy and dependant. He still didn't trust Spike not to leave.
That didn't stop him walking that little bit closer to Spike after they went into the bar, or sitting next to him at the table.
"A beer and a coke, and some peanuts," Spike stared right back at the cocktail waitress who looked as if she was about to burst into laughter. What.... had he shifted to fairy shape or something? Was she waiting for money? "He's paying, he's the one who's got the big time job."
Good, that had her moving to the bar. "What? Now you're making the same face as her!" And Xander on the edge of laughter made Spike extremely happy. "Care to share the joke?"
Xander fought the urge to burst into giggles at Spike's faux injured look. He felt a small laugh escape and before he knew what he was doing he'd pressed his lips against Spike's kissing the pout away. It was only as he was drawing back that he realized they'd had a full audience. He turned to look at his coworkers, waiting anxiously for their reaction.
Spike pressed his thigh against Xander's, aware of the tenseness every muscle muscle in the boy's leg. He wasn't sure if the reason was that this had the appearance of a date, something Xander's co-workers hadn't ever seen, or if it was because he was gay, and that was something they didn't know. It had to be hard, being in the construction business and all.
"Steve," he nodded at the one person he recognized, "I'm Spike, you must be Harry... " Spike swept his hand toward the empty chairs. "Word is, boss is paying for the first round." If Xander's leg pressed harder against his, Spike didn't show it.
"Alright... boss is paying, makes up for all the times boss wasn't around to pay," Harry slapped Xander on the back and took a seat. He'd just won the mother of all bets. He'd guessed a long time ago that the reason Xander never went out with them was that he was hiding in the back of some closet. He should have known he didn't have to do that.
Steve pulled a chair over and sat down. His hands were sweaty, and he rubbed them on his jeans. "Maybe sometime we can go out. You guys, and my partner of five years."
All the eyes that had been staring at Xander, swung to Steve. There were a few nervous laughs as the guys started to sit down, then a couple of jokes.
"So I guess neither one of you will be taking my sister Maria off my hands. Damn... I was so hoping..."
Xander hadn't realized he'd pressed closer to Spike until the guys started joking around and he finally relaxed. He smiled his thanks to the blond and hesitantely joined in the laughter and the teasing, glancing at Spike for reassurance every once in a while. By the time the evening drew to a close his cheeks hurt from smiling so much and he was holding on to Spike's arm to keep himself upright.
After the others left, Spike and Xander moved to the bar for one last round. Spike ran his thumb over Xander's mouth. He knew that smile... He's missed that smile so bad it made him ache. Only question was, was it back for good, or was it the beers? "You've got some good friends there. Should make this a weekly thing, after hours on Fridays to blow off steam."
As he started to lift the coke glass to his mouth, he focused on the column of Xander's throat. Suddenly, he was hearing the rush of blood in his veins, and his heart driving the blood. A craving swept over him, so strong, he could hardly see. He'd forgotten to feed, and now he was sitting within touching distance of temptation....
He set the glass on the bar top and stood up. "I"ll be back, 'bout twenty minutes," he rasped.
"What? Why? Where are you going?"
Xander tried to keep the desperation out of his voice. He tried to tell himself that he didn't care and even if he did Spike was only going for twenty minutes but all his brain could grasp was that Spike was leaving again. You don't need him, remember?
"Never mind. Go. I was just going home anyway."
Based on Xander's reaction when he'd fed from him, he hadn't wanted to explain. But the hardness had come back into the boy's eyes, a look that said this was just what he'd expected, so he thought it best to tell it like it was. Even horror and disgust was better than going to squear one. Spike gripped Xander's arm. "Wait for me. I need... I just need to find someone. Feed."
"Feed? You mean with the blood? Like you did when we...like then?" Xander barely kept the squeek out of his voice. At the hesitant nod answering his question, Xander stood up, hands closing into fists, muscles tensing."You're gonna do that with someone else? Like that? You won't even let me kiss you and you're gonna go do that with someone else."
"Wha..." his head wasn't clear, not when his need was so great. "Xander, you didn't like it... I scared you with it, don't you remember? But I - have - to - feed. I have to." Jealous, was he? Spike's gaze latched onto the throbbing spot at the base of Xander's throat. "Don't plan on kissing anyone. Just taking blood. Different. The... the other stuff will be in our heads only..."
Spike started leaning toward Xander, and was almost overcome with desire... of another sort, as images of what they'd done in the kitchen the other morning invaded his mind. "Wait for me," he repeated, a desperate edge to his voice, aware that if Xander left, it might mean a closed door. But he couldn't wait, and he just managed not to stumble as he headed out the back door to look for a willing donor in the alley.
Xander stared after Spike, frozen in place by the need in Spike's voice and the realization that he wanted that. He wanted the need to be for him. He groaned and let his head fall on the bar.
"Just fucking great. It was bad enough that you wanted the guy, now you have to go and need him too. Just. Great."
Xander ignored the bartender's sympathetic look and drunk steadily until Spike came back. He barely glanced at the blond's direction as he left the bar, the only indcation that he still wanted Spike to come home with him being the way he waited until Spike joined him outside.
In silence, Spike walked alongside Xander. The tension between them was so thick he could cut it with a knife. "I can't help it. I'm a vampire fairy. Comes with the territory. I'll try to make sure you don't see this side of me again," he said, "Everyone loves the magical fairies...."
Xander looked at Spike for the first time since they left the bar, taking in the pout and the downcast eyes. Xander started to lean forward, wanting to kiss the pout away again but drew back immediately. Spike had told him in no uncertain terms that he didn't want that from Xander. He didn't mind having it from some stranger at the bar but not from Xander. It's for the best anyway, at least this way I might be able to deal when he leaves.
Xander cleared his throat to get his voice working again. "I don't mind, Spike. You are who you are, right? You can have the couch if you want, I'll just crash now." He tried on a smile, hoping it worked and headed to bed.
Spike dropped down onto the couch and put his face in his hands. How had an evening that started off so good gone this bad? It was his fault, he should pay more attention to feeding. All that snack food and bubbly drink made him forget sometimes.
You are who you are, right? He sighed out loud. This was yet another hurdle they'd have to jump over. How many more would there be?
Xander woke up in the middle of the night, feeling the thirst that accompanied his alcohol-fest. He stumbled past a full-sized Spike sleeping on the couch, to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and guzzled it down. On his way back to the bedroom he paused in front of the couch, looking down at the blond.
"Do you even know how much I missed you when you weren't there?" he whispered and moved on, freezing when he heard the soft 'missed you too Xan' coming from behind him. Xander went back to the sofa and kneeled on the floor next to it.
"Spike? Can you hear me?"
Spike 'mmm'ed softly and smiled in his sleep.
"Let's see now...do you like peanut butter?"
Another little uhumm from the sleeping figure.
This is so cool Xander thought, mentally rubbing his hands together in glee.
"Did you have sex with your blood-donor guy?" he whispered, holding his breath to better hear the answer
"No...no sex...food. Stayed small... " He muttered some other unintelligible words as well.
"What about the other stuff you said...in your head, what did you do in your heads?"
An innocent smile played on Spike's mouth. "Sex... yeah... must pay the human back, make him feel good. Want to swim in a pond of coke with me? All bubbly..."
Xander's eyes widened and he glared at the sleeping fairy.
"That's it, no more stuff for you! Next time you're having me. Okay?"
"Mmm like your blood best. Better than coke..."
Xander smiled a little, confident that Spike was telling the truth.
Xander contemplated asking him who'd kept Spike away from him. But then he remembered how desperate Spike seemed the first time he'd asked. Maybe he shouldn't ask that... but hey, he had a way to get around the stupid fairy rules and find out what he wanted to know.
"Spike? Did you really try to come back to me?"
"Mmm... flying to Boy... yes... wanted to... can't ... not allowed.... tried... really tried."
Xander grinned again, feeling a weight lifted from his very soul.
"Thank you Spike," he whispered and dropped a soft kiss on Spike's lips.
It was a good dream. For once a good dream, and Spike didn't want to let it go. So he didn't. Reaching out, he grabbed his dream, he pulled his dream down over him, and held on tight. This dream smelled like Xander, felt like Xander. One day, it would be Xander. But until then... Spike kissed his dream as if it were Xander, kissed him till he was breathless, and then fell back into a deep sleep.
Xander snuggled down to Spike, nuzzling into the blond's neck and relaxing into his arms.
This is nice he thought, as sleep claimed him.
When Xander woke up he was still in Spike's arms, his erection pressed hard against Spike's hip. He hesitated, trying to talk himself into getting up. Spike had made it clear that there would be no nookie and Xander was not in the mood for another rejection.
Spike tried to stretch, but there was no room, and he was weighed down by something. Something that had his body going even before he opened his eyes. Instinctively squirming against the pressure, he opened his eyes and smiled. "This is much better than your alarm clock." His cock surged against Xander's stomach. "You're... really waking me up." Hands sliding down to the small of Xander's back, he raised his hips slightly. "See?"
Xander moaned and pressed down, his breath hitching at the sensation.
"Spike are...fuck...are you sure? You said no..."
"Taking me on another date tonight, yeah?" He reversed their positions, almost landing them on the floor in the process. "Say yes," he looked down into worried brown eyes and slid his leg between Xanders, rocking against him. "Say yes Xand, didn't hurt you none to last night, did it?"
Xander stayed still, breathing hard and trying to think. Spike had tried to come back to him, he hadn't really left him but still...
"Promise you won't leave again? You have to promise Spike."
There was a lesson in this. Never try to have a serious conversation with Xander under you He strained, fighting the urge to buck up against him. Though he did lose part of the battle, as his hand strayed under Xander's tee-shirt, feeling the corded muscles of his abdomen. "Didn't..." This was no time to get longwinded. "Promise. I won't leave you, not ever."
Lowering his head, he kissed the living daylights out of Xander, his body echoing the motions of his tongue until he heard a soft moan and raised his head. "That mean yes on the date, then?"
As soon as the promise left Spike's lips, Xander allowed himself to get caught up in the heat rushing through him. That was all he needed, some reassurance that Spike wouldn't leave him again, all he needed to give himself up.
"Hell yeah," he replied, arching up as high as he could, his head thrown back, neck bared to Spike. He wasn't sure what he needed but he needed more. His hands pushed under Spike's boxers, cupping his ass and pulling him down.
Xander's lust-roughened tone signaled the depth of his need and sent Spike spiraling. His world narrowed, as his eyes latched onto the soft skin of Xan's throat. With a groan, he scraped his teeth along his vein, then lifted his head. "It's not nice to tease a vampire." There was a question there, as he continued to work Xander free of his own shorts.
"N-not teasing," Xander stretched his neck as much as he could, pressing against Spike's mouth. "I want you to...I want..." Xander shuddered at the images his thoughts raised, putting his hands on Spike's face, cupping his cheeks and pushing him away to look into his eyes. "Stop, Spike stop. Promise me, promise me and mean it okay? Because if you leave I...I won't be able to deal, okay? You broke me all up and if you leave I'll go down again and I won't come up. This is serious now, look at me and promise me."
"I won't go, I won't," he swallowed, feeling this might be the turning point and that everything depended on Xander believing him. "I'll never leave you, I couldn't. You're in my heart, in my soul... if I left you, I'd be leaving myself. Believe Xander, believe." And then he kissed him, "maybe there are a few other things I wouldn't want to part with... your mouth, your eyes... oh yes, that too," he gave a wicked grin as he squeezed Xander, and stroked his length. "And this body, anyone tell you you'd have made a great fairy?"
Xander's breathing quickened at Spike's words, his heart beating faster at the emotion in Spike's eyes. He smiled at Spike, willing himself to believe. "So all fairies are built then?"
"They're flawless," he answered simply. But all teasing aside, Spike was reaching the end of his control. "You promise me. You won't leave me... you won't make me go."
Xander nodded, "Wouldn't leave you. I never did, never will." Spike leaned down to lick his neck and Xander remembered what he wanted. "Spike? I..." deep breath to work up his courage, he'd never done this before but he wanted to prove to Spike that he believed him, wanted to show him how much, "Iwantyoutofuckme."
Xander's hesitation, and the way he'd been in every other sexual encounter they'd had told Spike this was an out of ordinary request. Xander fucked his bloody stress relief brigade, he demanded to fuck Spike. Now... now he was asking for it, like a cat showing him his soft underbelly. It was a gift... Spike understood that.
"Anytime, anywhere, anyway you want it, Xan... up, down," Spike rolled them off the couch, making sure he landed on the ground, then rolled over on top of Xander again, "above you, under you," he rolled again, laughing as he managed to finish undressing both of them during the tumbling. "You tell me how you want it, I'll take it all," he said, raising his pelvis, rubbing up hard against the boy straddled on top of him. This was Xander's chance, if he wanted to recant and do this the way he really wanted.
Xander laughed as Spike rolled them around, his laughter turning into a strangled groan when Spike thrust up against him. He grabbed Spike's wrists, pushing his hands against the floor and leaned down to kiss him hard and long, exploring the blond's mouth like he'd wanted to since the first time he'd done it, tasting and feeling every part he could reach.
He jumped up, looked down at the rumpled blond and groaned, near the edge just from the picture Spike made sprawled naked on his floor.
"Want you to fuck me," he repeated, more confident now that he'd decided what to do. He reached down to pull Spike up, he wanted to do this right.
"Don't move." Spike admired every inch of Xander, swallowing hard as his gaze dropped down to his erection, then lower, to his perfectly formed thighs and rippling muscles. The boy looked spellbound, eager... throbbing. Throbbing for him.
Spike reached out and trailed a long finger down Xander's chest, making a small circle around his nipple, then moving ever so slowly, lower and lower. He heard Xander's indrawn breath, felt the tightening of muscle under skin stretched taut over his abdomen. "Perfect, you're abosolutely.... perfect," he said, walking around the boy, finger still tracing sensuous pattern over his skin. "Your heart beat is driving me... crazy."
Xander's breath caught at the heat in Spike's eyes. "Think you're confusing who's the perfect one here, Spike," he joked weakly, reaching out to pull the blond close again. He pushed his fingers into Spike's hair, cupping his scalp and tilting his head sideways. Xander took a moment to admire the creamy skin bared to his gaze before lowering his head to lick and bite at the base of Spike's throat. He slowly kissed his way up until he was nibbling on the blond's earlobe.
"Please don't make me wait," he whispered, "Want you to have me."
That got Spike harder than he'd ever been in his life. Aching to make Xander his, he gave in. "I will have you," he said hoarsely, suddenly pressing up against Xander, his legs sliding against the boy's as he forced him to back up until the window brought him to a sudden halt. The collision of their bodies sent a jolt of electricity though him, made every nerve ending scream with desire.
Hands pressed up on the window on either side of Xander's head, he leaned into him, kissing his neck, along the line of his jaw, and then his mouth. Hard, and furious, like the tempest that raged within his body. It was unheard of... a human holding such power over a fairy, but here he was in the grip of a passion that was about to consume him. Flames licked around his body. Burning up, he groaned.
He wanted more. More pressure. More friction. More Xander.
With a growl that came out of nowhere, he turned Xander around suddenly, and pushed him up against the window that overlooked the park. He skimmed his mouth over the guy's shoulders and arms, over muscles that flexed and bulged as Xander braced himself with palms flat against the window.
With his pulsing erection pressed firmly against Xander's entrance, Spike rocked against him, getting impossibly harder, as he stroked every inch of Xander. His stomach. Up and down his sides. His rock hard thighs. The guy's whimper was his undoing. Wiping his hand over his tongue, wetting it with the healing properties of a vampire fairy's saliva, Spike slid his hand between them, carefully preparing Xander.
"I love you Xan," he managed to croak, before entering him with a quick thrust. Waiting for Xander's body to adjust was murder. He groaned, straining against his own body's needs until he felt Xander relax. Then all bets were off. Unable to endure anymore of the sweet torture, he gripped Xander's hips so the boy couldn't move, or even squirm, as he took him with long powerful strokes, each deeper than the last, claiming him... claiming Xander as his.
Xander couldn't for the life of him remember what had happened, all he'd been aware of was blue eyes staring him with such intensity, then Spike hands had been everywhere, doing things he'd never felt before, making him writhe and beg and scream. He came back to himself just as Spike slammed into him, shock making him tense and freeze. He stared unseeingly out the window, every sense focused on Spike until he felt strong hands grip his hips and then it all got...more, Spike everywhere, having him, holding him.
Xander dropped his head back on Spike's shoulder and suddenly he remembered how it was last time, in the kitchen when Spike had...Before the thought was even completed in his head, one hand had reached back to cup Spike's nape and bring him close.
"Please Spike...need more...please."
Somewhere between heaven and hell, Spike grazed his fangs along the silky soft length of Xander's throat. How was he supposed to fight the scorching desire to bite down, to drink him, to have him in every way possible? How was he to take the horror on the boy's face after they were done and he came to his senses? Spike whimpered, driving into Xander as hard as he could, trying to forget his other needs. "Don't want to spill your blood again," he said in a ragged whisper, nipping Xander lightly, torturing himself in the process.
Despite the heat of the room and the passion burning him up Xander felt a cold shiver run down his spine. Spike had bitten that stranger, put sex stuff into his head but he didn't want Xander, not even after he'd begged. Xander pulled his torso forward, bracing against the window and pushing his ass back into Spike. It didn't matter, Spike had promised not to leave and that was enough. This was enough. The hand clasping Spike's nape moved to his ass, clutching desperately, trying to get Spike to move faster.
"More," he demanded, unwilling to plead again.
More. Spike gave him more. Drove into him, loved him, fucked him. But it wasn't enough, he could tell by the way Xander kept offering his throat, wordlessly rubbing it against Spike's mouth. It was as if Xander needed it as bad as he did.
The last vestiges of Spike's control slipped away. On the verge of a moan, he pressed his perfecly straight fangs into Xander's tender skin. Xander's lifeblood pumped into his mouth, sweet.... and his. Mine he mentally whispered the same words Boy had done once.
Erotic images assaulted his mind and senses. Blood lust... sex lust combined in a powerful web, sending him spiraling, building the pressure, burning him up as he moved faster and faster. Mine his mind screamed as he claimed Xander for his, for all time.
Xander tensted as he felt Spike bite down, he felt the fairy's fangs slice into his skin, felt the pull as Spike drew on him and nearly screamed with pleasure. He was so close, so close...he reached down, grabbing Spike's hand and pressing it against his cock. Feeling those long fingers wrap around him and pull finally pushed him over the edge, Spike's name on his lips.
Xander slumped against the window a bare moment before Spike fell with him.
"That was...wow..." he whispered sleepily. "Can we rest a bit? Then breakfast. But first rest. Rest is good."
One hand around Xander's waist, Spike was still riding the last waves of pleasure when he realized what he'd done. Quickly, he licked the wound on Xander's throat to help it heal quickly. Two streams of blood had dribbled down the boy's chest. Hand shaking slightly, he started to wipe away the evidence of what he'd done. "I'm sorry... couldn't help myself," he mumbled, warily eyeing Xander, sure his world was about to explode again.
Xander shivered at Spike's touch, moving into the sensation. "Pretty sure I asked you to do it, Spike," he said softly, turning around to drop a quick kiss on the blond's lips. He nuzzled into Spike's neck, hugging him close and murmuring against his skin. He'd never done this before, he'd always been more of a wham-bang-thank you sir, kind of person.
"Not disgusted then?" Spike's relief was immeasurable as he banded his arms around Xander and dragged him to the sofa. When Xander didn't push him away, or get up and leave right away, when he kept giving him light kisses, he knew something had definitely changed inside the boy.
Xander hummed happily and ignored the question in favour of nibbling down Spike's neck. He hadn't known he had a neck fetish but Spike's was so damn edible. It was like all those years of suppressing his need to touch had left him with this need to catch up on lost time.
"Don't want to go to work," he murmured, pouting slightly.
"What will the fellow's say?" Spike smiled. "Think we'd better get you into the shower. You smell like sex, and blood, and me... a lethal combination for a vampire fairy. Might never let you go to work."
"Don't care." Despite his words, Xander got up and headed for the bathroom. He looked back to find Spike still sitting on the couch, smiling at him. "I thought we were getting me into the shower."
A perfect "O" formed on Spike's mouth. Overcomming his surpise, he got up and followed Xander.
The shower was.... orgasmic! Spike had never taken one before, ever. He could easily wish himself clean. He did love water though and had spent a lot of time in ponds and lakes. But hot water, spraying at you like this. It was heaven.
Then a pair of strong arms circled him, and took him to yet another level of heaven.
Xander hovered at the door, looking back at Spike nervously. Things had been about as perfect as they were ever going to get and he couldn't shake off the feeling they were heading for disaster.
"You...erm...are you...I mean...never mind. Gotta go."
He offered Spike a smile and left before he said something he was going to regret. Like asking Spike when he was leaving.
"I'll be at your door when you get home," Spike gave a reassuring smile and added quickly as the door closed,"go on, don't worry about a thing." He realized no matter how perfect today was, Xander Harris would worry about tomorrow. It would take time, lots of it, to get him to a place where he maybe lost his fear of abandonment. Spike wished he could tell him the entire truth, but it made his heart surge that Xan started to trust...to believe... even without all the facts.
Less than nine hours later, Xander was once again hovering in front of the door, this time on the other side. He wanted to go in, reached for the doornob many time but he never quite worked up the courage to turn the handle.
"Stop being such an idiot," he muttered but still stood staring at the door.
"Okay...okay here goes nothing." Deep breath and he turned the key, walked in and tried not to look frantically around in search of Spike.
"You... hey, I'm talking to you," Spike buzzed around Xander's head, then landed on his shoulder and neatly kissed his throat. "Weren't looking for me hard enough, were you? We're out of coke, can we get some... after you change?"
Xander giggled as Spike's wings tickled his skin, all anxiety forgotten now that he was sure Spike was still there. "You drank all the coke? There were like six cans in the fridge!" He tried to look at Spike, going cross-eyed when the blond flew too close to his eyes. "You're so cute like that. All six inches of fuzzy cuteness. Now grow big so I can kiss you."
"Cute, ay? Not what you were saying last night," though he sounded miffed, Spike was happy. This was Xander, the real one. No cold shoulder. No dark, forbidding looks. "Can kiss me like this." Flying close to Xander's face, he planted a kiss on his enourmous lips... right, it probably didn't satisfy either of them.
Xander raised an eyebrow at Spike's attempt at a kiss. "Last night you didn't look like Tinkerbell," he remarked. "I feel the need to point out that unless you grow full sized I won't be able to kiss you properly, or bite at that spot under your armpit or lick my way down to my knees in front of you, take your cock into my mouth...never did that to you did I? I'm very, very good at that you know." Xander shrugged and turned away, moving towards the shower. "But hey, you can stay like that and I'll take care of my hard on in the shower."
"Sex! Sex before our date?" Spike materialized into full form so fast, he stumbled into Xander and held oh. Rubbing his hip across Xander's center, he checked for his state of arousal. "Is this for me?" He smirked, "If anyone's taking care of it, it's me, so you keep your hands bloody well away from it. Mine."
Xander laughed and lead the way, dragging Spike behind him.
He was still laughing a few hours later when Spike was grumbling and muttering about the implausibility of the film they'd watched. Xander had taken him to a vampire film, counting on Spike to poke fun at the broody soul-ridden characters. He stopped Spike's latest tirade by blocking his way and kissing him hard on the lips.
"I get it, vampires aren't real and vampire fairies would never hurt anyone while taking blood. I get it!" he exclaimed when Spike drew breath to continue.
They walked for a little while longer, content in the silence. Xander kept slipping sideways glances at Spike, trying to figure out how to say what he wanted to say.
"And what was with the scary red eyes and the crooked teeth, I don't have--" Feeling Xander's gaze on him, he turned his head. "What? I did like the popcorn and coke."
"No it's just...you said you did...stuff. With the blood donor guys. In their heads." Xander squirmed uncomfortably. "Is that erm...absolutely necessary? The stuff. Cause I...erm...I kinda don't like the thought of you doing stuff with them. Even if it's just in their heads"
"Have to feed." He raised an eyebrow. "Make you feel better if I only choose girls?"
"How much blood do you need though, really." Xander said, ignoring the question. He hated admitting any kind of weakness and letting Spike know that doing sex stuff with his food was fraught with possible rejections and he wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. "I mean, you're only tiny most of the time and you can barely have a shot-glass of coke and it's not like you have to do it every day. You didn't do it before."
"Finished the coke today, didn't I?" He stalled, the old guilt washing over him. "Needed... less back then. Wasn't fully formed yet. If I'd been around a while longer, I'd have needed more." He searched Xander's face, afraid to tell the truth. Afraid to lie. "I... You bled sometimes, and I couldn't help myself... I..." he stopped at the corner of the street, under a lamp post. "I was always sorry after, and I never bit you... my teeth were just forming." He looked down at the ground.
"You used to lick me? That's why I was all clean after! Can't believe I didn't think of that before." Xander rolled his eyes, how could he not have realized! "So, wait a minute, you mean you used to live off me when I was a kid? Does that meant that you can do that now?" He stopped walking and looked at Spike hopefully.
“I lived off the sandwiches and food, just like you. My cravings for blood had only just started... you’re not angry?” He tilted his chin, relief flooding over him. “I’m much bigger now, but I still don’t need much. Every other day, so far... when I stay mostly in this form.
"So you can just feed off me, right?" Xander asked, bouncing lightly on his feet.
“I suppose...” he quirked an eyebrow. “Problem is, I forget... and then I get into emergency situations like... like that morning with you, and then last night. Xander, it’s not like what you and I do... it’s like watching a movie,” he nodded and put his hand behind Xander’s back. “Nothing to worry about,” he kissed Xander’s neck. “Like yours better than anyone’s anyway.”
Xander stepped away and looked at Spike thoughtfully. He's a fairy, he reminded himself, he sees things differently from humans. "D'you feel like that about everything?"
“Not sure... what you mean.” His stomach clenched. “You’re worrying me, because I don’t know what is wrong. Tell me.”
"Like me better than anyone, doesn't mean you don't have other people. Nothing to worry about right?"
“Other people for what?!? No... you’re twisting my words.” Spike crossed his arms and stared at Xander. How could he even think the things he was thinking? “I don’t do anything with anyone, if you’re thinking I sleep around with them... not since I came back, and I don’t plan to, yeah? But if I’m out, and I need to feed... what do you want me to do, go into shock? It’s painful... you have no idea.”
Xander's face fell and he stared at the ground, wishing he'd never started this conversation. The way this was going Spike wouldn't have to leave, Xander would be chasing him away. "No, wouldn't want you to be in pain. It's fine, I'll deal. Forget I said anything." He dredged up a smile. "So...do vampire fairies have red eyes and stuff?"
Spike made a face. “Yeah and we turn into bats, and carry pitchforks. Stop changing the subject. Look, maybe if I show you what it’s like, you’ll know... nothing to worry about.”
The world fell away, and he shifted into fairy form, quickly beating his wings so he came up to Xander. “See... you big, me small... not much we can do together, yeah? I mean as far as sex, though... I could show you a thing or two some other time...” Right, that wasn’t helping. “This won’t hurt a bit,” he smiled and attacked a soft spot in Xander’s throat with his tiny teeth.
Spike felt Xander relax, back up, and slump against the lightpost. As he started to feed, they were both enveloped by a warm, euphoric blanket. It was like going from 0 to 100 in two seconds, suddenly their minds were bombarded by images that had Xander’s heart pounding harder to deliver the blood. Arms entangled, legs working their way between legs, mouths seeking each others’ heat, grunts of pleasure, whimpers of need, scarlet webs of desire and longing, arousal... hard and heavy, weeping. It was Xander in front of him, Xander behind him. Xander pushing, fucking, wanting, taking them in spirals, higher and higher.
Xander came to with a start, eyes wide and disbelieving. This was what happened when Spike bit someone? They....fuck, he'd felt like he was enveloped in Spike, drowning in pleasure, losing himself into his lover.
Spike licked the tiny wound closed, and reverted to human shape. "It's not quite like that with everyone, I SWEAR!" He was still reeling from the experience. "I ... Whoa... fuck... imagine only 20 percent of that with anyone else."
Xander looked dazedly at Spike, fighting the urge to just push him against a wall and re-enact all those things he'd seen in his head...until the words reminded him why Spike had bitten him in the first place.
"No, hey it's okay. No need to lie, Spike I told you I'd be fine with it." The smile was harder to bring forth this time but he'd had years of practice at fake smiles and he gave this one his all.
“I’m not a bloody liar. When have I lied to you? When?” He punched the lightpost, denting it slightly and then rubbing his hand as he glared at Xander. It was his fault.
He tried to think of what had happened, searched for a reason. “Look, I’ve only been out here for a short while, I don’t know all the answers. All I know is THAT never happened with anyone but you.” They were getting worked up over nothing, he knew that... but he also sensed it could mean everything.
“When you... you’ve probably slept with a lot of your stress relief brigade, is it the same? Same as with me?” His eyes were large pools of blue demanding an answer, and for some reason, the question was even more important than he’d thought.
"Of course it's not the same! But I'm not about to go out tomorrow and fuck someone am I? I'm not going to come back and tell you 'hey, don't worry Spike, it's only twenty per cent of what I feel with you'! I told you I'd get used to it, okay? I'll be fine. Drop it."
Xander turned his back to Spike and started walking to the apartment, as fast as he could without running. He was doing it again, he was driving Spike away with his stupid jealousy and his anger. He would get used to it, he just needed some time to get his head around it. If he kept his mouth shut Spike would stay.
Spike didn’t budge. “I can’t change what I am... I mean, I changed as much as I could. Can’t take back being a vampire though. And I can’t drink old blood, from outside a body... that won’t work either. What I can do is try to remember to feed from you... and..” he trailed off, seeing the stiffness of the guy’s back.
Xander stopped walking, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Spike was going to leave him. He just knew it. He had to stop this conversation before Spike realized that he could go.
"Spike please...You don't have to change, I told you I'm okay with it. Please just drop it." He hated the way he sounded, all needy and desperate but he couldn't let Spike go, he'd been through it once, couldn't do it again.
“Stop communicating, just when we started. That’s what you want?” Spike started for follow, but couldn’t shake the feeling that they were about to start making the mistake of the elder Mr. And Mrs. Harris.
"No...I...What do you want me to do Spike?" Xander whirled around and glared at the blond. "You said you can't NOT do it and I said I'll deal with that. What else do you expect me to do?"
“Not give up that easy and not cover your feelings to me of all people, that’s bloody what I expect you to so,” he answered, walking past him to the apartment building. He stood outside, waiting. Why was it always one step forward, two back?
"You want to know my feelings? FINE! You're gonna be feeding on all those people and you're going to be giving them something that's supposed to be for me. Just for me! I don't care if it's just in their heads, they still get to see you and I'm the only one supposed to do that. But of course you can't change and fuck it if that doesn't make sense. You're a fairy, you need to do stuff like that and I have to fucking live with it because if I don't you won't be able to stay here and you'll leave me. But hey, you'll do that anyway when you realize how messed up I really am. You know what? Let's not wait until then. You can just leave now so I can pick up the pieces that much faster."
Xander stared at Spike for a moment, shocked by his own outburst. He saw Spike try to say something and he knew, he just knew Spike was going to try and let him down easy because he did care for Xander. So he ran into the building, taking the stairs two at a time until he reached his door, his hands trembling so badly he could barely hold on to his keys.
With slow, heavy steps, Spike followed him up the stairs. When he reached Xander, he put his arms around him from behind him, held tight and leaned in to whisper in his ear. “Don’t wish me away so often, it’s dangerous. I don’t want to go Xander. I want to stay, work our issues. You just have to make a bit more room for me in your heart, even if I’m not the perfect human mate for you. He swallowed hard, and put his hand over Xander’s shaking one, helping him turn the key.
Xander moved away from Spike, going to sit on the couch. This was why he didn't do dates. Dates made you feel things, made you all jumbled up and broke you. He wiped his eyes angrily, not wanting to cry in front of Spike.
"Don't you see? That's the whole problem Spike. You're already in there. Do you honestly think I would care what you do to your dinner if you weren't?"
“I don’t see it as a problem, but I don’t want to hurt you.” He sat down across from Xander, drumming his fingers on the side table. “You could pretend it’s like being with someone who is a gynecologist... just work and...” he trailed. “You could fucking be home on time, and make sure I’ve fed. If I forget, you can remind me. I wouldn’t go to anyone else except when it’s an emergency.” That much ought to be obvious.
"W-what? You would...I mean just for emergencies? And...see I didn't understand that..." Xander couldn't for the life of him remember how to speak. Spike would do that? For him?
Spike gave a one shouldered shrug that was fully at odds with his scrutiny of Xander’s face. “You don’t listen.”
"I'm sorry." Xander closed his eyes, trying to compose himself for a moment. He looked at Spike, saw how upset he was and apologized again. "I'm sorry Spike. I'll do better. I promise. I'll listen and think and not have a meltdown."
There was silence for a beat. "I don’t think my demonstration helped. I’d be jealous if I thought... I don’t want anyone else’s hands on you, for real or in their mind, either," he admitted. "When we were kids, you’d say ‘your all Mine.’" His lips quirked, "we’re not kids anymore, but I said the same thing this morning. You’re Mine... much as I’m yours, you’re all Mine, Xander. If you have a problem with that, tell me now."
Xander smiled, shaking his head emphatically. "Yours for as long as you stay." He raised his hand, forestalling and protests from Spike. "I know you won't leave. Just need a little time to believe it okay? I'm yours either way Spike, that's more than I've been able to give for a long time."
Deep breath to work up his courage. He'd been doing that a lot lately, he thought, but still, it'd gotten him Spike so it must have been worth it. "I love you Spike. Okay?"
“Okay.” Spike smiled, got up and walked over, dragging him up off the sofa. “I love you too, always have. And I only want what you can give me. It’ll be enough,” he said, before bringing his mouth down over Xander’s and engaging him in a slow, languid kiss, that left the boy breathless.
“We did learn something.” He waited for Xander to look at him. “Well I do give one hell of a quicky, at least where you’re concerned.”
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