Fandom: BtVS
Pairing/Character: Spander, but its UST
Rating/Warnings: Mature for language
Prompt: From [info]yolinare

"Lost boys" by The 69 eyes as a songline
Morning light hurts your eyes
But that's another thing
Nothing really matters...
Blind boys never lie
But that's another thing
Nothing really matters...
'Cause in the end
You're just reborn again

Summary: Spike hates her.
Disclaimer: I own noting
AN: Dedicated to yolinare.  Thanks for the prompt.

A Love/Hate Sorta Thing


In the early morning light, Spike stared out of his westward facing window.  He was still, watching Xander walk little Jesse Harris to school.  Once the father and son disappeared around the corner, Spike walked back to his bed.  He rubbed his eyes, trying to clear the bleary haze that too many pints and shots of Jameson's puts on his eyes, before lighting a cigarette.  After the final battle in L.A., he'd been offered a position at the new Watcher's Council.  Spike and Xander had become friends in the years after Sunnydale.  But Spike could feel the distance between them, a separation that Xander would always remain blind to.  The separation between friends and lovers that Spike fantazied about crossing.

Ten years ago Spike had moved into the Watcher's Council apartment next door to Xander's.  They both traveled quite a bit in their work, making the aquiring of friends a difficult task.  So instead of trying to meet new people, the two had settled for each others company.   They'd bonded via snarky comments directed at stuffy English Watchers and Andrew, while games of footy and take out dinners had cemented the tenative friendship.  Spike estimated that he'd been in love with Xander for the past eight years, a fact he'd only been aware of for the past six.  And for those seven years, he'd hated, fucking hated Katherine.

She was a witch from Willow's coven, a Scottish girl with curly, coal-black hair and bright blue eyes.  She was sweet  kind and like Tara in some ways.  But where Tara had been meek and retiring, Katherine was a spit fire.  She was opinionated, vocal, listened to loud music and loved horror films.  

Spike had seen the possibility of romance between the witch and the carpenter.  So of course he'd hated the way she'd become friends with Willow, the way her strange sense of humor had led to Willow orchestrating a first date with Xander.  He hated that their dates would often interrupt the daily pub time between Spike and the Scooby.  All the while, Spike didn't realize why he hated her, blind to his own desires until Xander proposed to her six years ago.

When Xander had proposed to her, it felt worse than torture, worse than burning up inside the Hellmouth.  He'd realized then that he loved the Zeppo, and that it was far too late to do anything about her.  Spike hated how beautiful Katherine had looked at the wedding, almost as much as he had hated how happy Xander had been.  But not as much as he hated her beauty at nine months pregnant, swollen and glowing with new life.  He hated the happiness she gave Xander, happiness that Spike couldn't.

But Spike had kept his hatred of Katherine just as silent as his love for Xander.  Xander never saw the loathing Spike felt, but Katherine did.  Instead of the reproachful looks he'd expected, she'd given Spike only sweet smiles, wise eyes holding the barest thread of pity.  Spike hated that look too.  He hated her generosity towards his unrequited love for Xander.

And of course there was the love and devotion Xander's eye held for only her, a look that said he'd love her until he died.   Spike hated her the most for that, for taking away devotion that might have one day been for himself.

The End

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