Jun. 19th, 2006 | 08:49 pm
This plot bunny refused to go away until I wrote it up.
Spike/Xander. NC-17 to be safe. Btvs season 6.
What if the "naked push-ups" scene from the episode "Gone" went a little differently?
"Spike?" Xander called out as he pushed open the door to the crypt. He saw immediately that something was very wrong. The place had been trashed, furniture smashed and overturned, and the peroxide vamp was nowhere in sight. He quietly eased over to the trap door in the floor and peered down into the gloom. He could hear something moving around down there, and could see the faint light of a few candles. Cautiously he made his way down the ladder.
He found Spike crouching on his bed, half-covered by a sheet and panting like he'd run a marathon. At first glance Xander thought the vampire might be injured by whatever demolished the décor upstairs, but he quickly realized that Spike was moving around on top of what looked like empty air… and that moaning didn't sound like he was in pain, either…
Oh… I see. Damn... So that's what he's doing.
Well... he thought, so much for hoping Spike might be interested in spending some "quality time" with me and Ahn. And here I'd thought he'd been flirting with me lately. Always complaining about not getting any action now that he's chipped. Humph. Shows what I know.
Why is it, Xander mused, that the best ones are always taken – by Buffy? I'd suspected as much, what with the weird way those two have been acting around each other lately. It was exactly the same way Cordelia and I behaved when we were secretly dating. And if Spike was dumb enough to accept the same kind of arrangement as I had with Cordy, he's going to wind up in a world of pain…
At least I've found Buffy before she'd disintegrated. And if I stand here and watch for just a bit longer then necessary, well, no one will be the wiser. And damn, but Spike needs new sheets, because the ones he has are tissue-paper thin, you can see absolutely everything! My, is it getting hot in here?
Eventually, Xander cleared his throat and called out, "Spike?"
As Spike froze in mid-thrust, Xander stepped a little closer and asked, "What are you doing?"
Spike sputtered, "What am I ... What does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I?" Spike did a couple of quick push-ups to demonstrate. The muscles in his back and legs strained and flexed so beautifully that in other, more pleasant circumstances Xander would have started drooling down the front of his shirt.
Xander heard Buffy’s stifled gasps and kept a straight face long enough to remark, "Exercising… Naked... In bed." Surely he doesn't think I'm that stupid.
Spike wrapped the sheet around his waist and sat on the edge of the bed facing Xander. "A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. Gotta keep fit for the killing."
Oh great, Xander thought, so he does think I'm that stupid. "Yuh-huh... Looks like you had a little trouble upstairs. Mini-disaster area."
Spike positively bristled. The best defense was a good offense, after all. "So what, you just come here to criticize my housekeeping?"
"No, uh, no. I'm looking for Buf-"
Spike interrupted him, replying, "Haven't seen her."
Why... You rotten, lying sack of shit.
"Well, uh, you wouldn't. The fact is, she's come down with a slight case of invisibility."
"Yeah? How did you, uh.." Xander would have known the surprise on Spike's face was utterly fake even if he hadn't already known that Spike was lying through his teeth. He saw the sheets next to Spike shift a bit and then his ear wiggled.
"We don’t know yet." Spike's ear wiggled again, and Spike flinched.
God, Buffy, what kind of idiot do you take me for? I'm standing right here! "Anyway, she's not at the house, and I really, really need to find her. She's in danger."
"I tell you what, I'll ... take a peek around first chance I get..." Spike's hair started mussing itself, and the vampire flicked his hand over his head like he was trying to swat a fly, "and if we bump into each other, I'll clue her that you're on the lookout."
Xander began to turn away, but then turned back. He was rapidly moving from merely put out to beyond pissed. They were just going to pretend she wasn't there? The hell with that! Two, I mean three could play at this game! By God he'd make them both admit she was there!
Xander's sudden smile was positively feral. "Hey Spike, since Buffy isn't here, how about I help you out with your little exercise program?" Xander stalked up to Spike, rolling his hips suggestively with a little trick he'd learned from watching Spike stalking around. He leaned over the startled vampire, and ran a finger slowly down the center of his chest. "I can think of much better ways to get a workout." Before Spike could stop sputtering long enough to ask what the hell he was doing Xander darted in and kissed Spike hungrily, nipping and pulling on the vampire's lower lip with his teeth; determined to give Buffy an eyeful. From the shocked gasp he heard from somewhere to his left, he'd succeeded.
Spike pulled back, breaking the kiss, and gasped, "What the bloody hell are you doing?!"
With a naughty chuckle Xander replied, "If you don't know, then I must not be doing it right." Running a hand into Spike's hair and grasping the back of his skull, he held him firmly in place as he darted back in and plundered the shocked vampire's mouth with his tongue, tangling up with Spike's own and making what could only be described as "yummy noises." His other hand ran down Spike's abs and had reached the sheet covering his lap and was tugging at it when Spike regained his senses and pushed him away.
"What the hell? Have you gone completely round the bend, Harris?"
Xander slapped Spike's hands away and leaned forward, pushing Spike flat onto the bed. "What's the matter, Spikey? It's just us here, so what are you being so shy for?" Straddling the vampire, Xander reached down and grasped Spike's cock, Spike's still very erect cock, Xander noticed smugly, and began stroking it loosely through the sheet covering his lap. "You weren't this shy with me the other night." He stopped the denial on Spike's lips by covering them firmly with his own, when he was suddenly flung halfway across the room with a scream of fury.
Finally! Took her long enough.
"What the hell is going on?!! You’ve been screwing Xander!?!" Xander managed to refocus his eyes just in time to see Spike's head flung to the side as the slayer's invisible fist made impact.
Xander sprang to his feet and pointed at the direction of Buffy’s voice accusingly. "AHA!! I knew it all along, you liar!! You dirty, lying liars!!"
"What about you?! You're screwing my boyfriend!"
"Am not! I only did that to get you to show yourself!" He steadfastly ignored the assessing look Spike was giving him as he sniffed at the air delicately. "All the stuff that got zapped into inviso-land is disintegrating! Willow says it's breaking down at the cellular level. Willow and Giles have to figure out how to reverse this before you break down into a little pile of dust." Xander crossed his arms & gave Buffy his best angry scowl. "It would be nice if when they do figure out how to fix you they know where to find you, so do you think you could you get dressed and come back, and save the slap and tickle with the evil undead boyfriend for later on?"
"Boyfriend?" the vampire mumbled bemusedly, a silly smile plastered on his face.
"You are NOT my boyfriend." At Spike's wounded look, Buffy added, "Could we not talk about this right now? I can't find my clothes."
Xander fought the urge to slap them both until their teeth rattled. Instead he helped the pair find Buffy's clothes.
Finally Buffy shucked on her boots and grumbled at Xander, "Well, alright. But I still think you got a little too grabby with Spike there just to make a point."
Xander flashed a tight smile. "Got you to reveal yourself, didn’t it?"
"Damned good kisser, too." Spike gave Xander a speculative look that made him feel naked. As Buffy passed by Spike, she smacked him smartly on the back of the head.
"Ow! What was that bloody for?" Spike rubbed his head, making his hair stick up even more. "It's the truth," he asserted, leering openly at the young man and wiggling his eyebrows for good measure.
"Shut up, Spike," said Buffy and Xander simultaneously. Xander pointed at Buffy and quickly added, "Jinx!"
Buffy marched out the door without a backward glance. As Xander followed, a pair of strong arms grabbed him from behind and he was brought up tight against a rock hard vampire chest, and whoa Nellie! Spike was definately still aroused. Xander felt each little puff of air against his ear as the vampire ground against him and whispered, "This isn't finished, Harris. Not by a long shot." Spike lapped a cool trail from Xander's shoulder to just behind his ear, nibbled there gently, and then abruptly released him. Xander was so bemused that he barely managed to remain on his feet.
Xander threw a silly grin over his shoulder, replying, "Count on it."
"Off ya go, then." Spike sent Xander on his way with a smirk and a firm pat on his bum that made Xander jump a good three inches straight into the air.
"Coming, Xander?" Buffy yelled impatiently from outside. As Xander started sprinting to catch up with her, he muttered just loud enough for Spike to hear, "Maybe later..."
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