Mrs. Harris


Xander? Who?

Oh! Alexander... um...

Wha'cha wanna know 'bout him for?

Huh? That right?

Well, I don't know nothin' 'bout no midnight rescue from a pack of crazy drug addicts. Never said nothin' to me 'bout it, then again, he don't say much of anythin' to me. After all, I'm just his mother, I ain't important to the boy. Not like his deranged friends.


Sure, sure. Just pull up a chair. Wanna beer?

No? Huh... got vodka. Wan' some of that instead?

Suit yourself, but I hope you don' mind that I'm ganna have some.


Oh, yeah right. Um... mostly, Alexander's a pain in the ass.

No, really. I mean, just think of where I'd be if it weren't for him. I sure as hell wouldn't be with that good for nothin' low down slimy shit for brains father of his. Kids! Don' ever have 'em. Ain't nothin' but trouble.

I mean, how many times do you think I should be forced to tell that brat not to get in his dad's way? Doesn't he know that the man is a drunken shit? How many beatin's will it take to get it through that kid's head? When Frank is home, sober or not, just don' make any noise.

Simple, right?

That's all I've ever asked of him. Clean up after yourself and stay away from your old man when he's in a mood. But, boys are inherently stupid, so... Let's just say that it finally took Alexander's creepy-ass boyfriend to stop the father-son fights.


Oh. Yeah... him.

Well, William's... a good boy in a creepy scary allergic to sunlight kinda way.

Sor-ry! He's not easy to explain, ya know. After all, I'm not a head shrinker and the boy is a bleached blonde nut-case.

Wha'cha mean, what clued me in?

Oh. Um, I guess that it was probably the time he cut all of Frank's brake lines on the Chevy. That's when I knew that William wasn't playin' with a full deck, know what I mean?


Oh, uh, he said he killed the brakes because he found a new set of bruises on Alexander that he didn't put there himself. Told Frank that he had two choices. Get better insurance or leave his, and I quote, "love pillow' alone.

I didn't think that Alexander would put up with anyone threatenin' Frank. I don' give a shit 'cause the guy's a royal dick-head, but he is the boy's father and all. Do you think that he told William to get the hell out and to never come 'round again?


That idiot child of mine practically swooned over William! Babbled about romantic gestures of love and devotion for a week straight. You'd think that no one ever stood up for him before or nothin'.


Who? Me!

Hell no! Frank'd kick my head in if I ever told him to stop whoopin' on the boy.


Oh... I see your point. But still...


Oh. There were a few other incidents, but nothin' real big. And Frank survived them all. Mostly by dumb luck if you ask me, but I don' think either of them boys'd be too upset if Frank really did buy it one of these times.


Oh hell. I don' care what they do. Or when they do it. Anyone can see that they're both night owls, so whatever it is, it's most likely illegal. I just don' care.

I only got two rules. Pay the rent on time and don' burn the house down. I would prefer it if they kept the sex noises down to a dull roar, but even then I don' really care, 'cause I can always turn up the tv or whatever.


How the fuck would I know that?! Listen buddy, when them two start a moanin' and screamin', I stay upstairs. I don' wanna know, ya know? I'm just glad he got rid of that Anya bitch, that way I don' have'ta worry 'bout raisin' no damn grand-babies. I did my time at that mommy crap and there ain't no way I'm doin' it again.


Yeah, yeah, sure.

Sure ya don' wanna stay and have a few drinks with me? You're kinda cute and Frank ain't gonna be home for an hour or two...


What a priss. Was it somethin' I said?...

The End