Warnings? I give this piece an R rating. A bit of smutty. A bit of funny. Heavy on the schmoop. 100% dialogue.

Sixteen Ways to Say “I Love You”

Savoy Truffle

1. “You know, Spike, I’d stake your evil undead ass one of these days if I weren’t so damn addicted to… well, staking your evil undead ass. You know, in the sexy sense of the term. And what you doing way over there? Wet towels, schmet towels. C’mere.”

2. “It’s sick and twisted, Spike… And besides, I’m gonna sound stupid.”
“Just do it.”
“For me.”
“Oh, Spike. You’re the Big Bad. Fuck me, Spike. You’re so evil. Oh yeah, give it to me, you big, bad, evil, sexy demon! Yes!”
“That was bloody brilliant, pet.”
“I feel violated.”

3. “Why’re you staring at me?”
“Can’t help it.”
“Well, quit. It’s bloody annoying.”
“Can’t help it.”
“Oi, c’mon.”
“I can’t. Get used to it.”

4. “I feel like a Ken doll.”
“’Cept you’re anatomically correct.”
“A fact of which everyone will be fully aware in these jeans.”
“The jeans are perfect.”
“And this shirt has more holes than it has shirt.”
“The shirt is perfect.”
“Oh, no. No eyeliner.”
“Careful now. Try not to blink.”
“I don’t know why I let you do these things.”
“There. You’re perfect.”
“Then again, maybe I do.”

5. “Don’t.”
“Don’t move. Stay.”
“Don’t you want to clean up?”
“What I want is to wake up with you still inside me.”

6. “It’s just a scratch.”
“Hold still. I need to clean it.”
“Can’t get infected, pet. Not living flesh.”
“Humor me.”
“It’s a waste of time. It’ll be gone in an hour. Vampire healing, remember?”
“I can’t just look at you, hurt like this and not be doing anything about it. Even for an hour. Now hold still.”

7. “Why don’t you let me see the demon?”
“It’s ugly and evil.”
“It’s part of you.”
“That doesn’t make it pretty or good.”
“It does to me.”
“What happened to ‘People good. Monsters evil’?”
“You happened.”

8. “Talk to me about William.”
“He was a poncy git.”
“He’s part of you.”
“That doesn’t make him interesting.”
“It does to me.”
“He was a doormat. No one ever wanted him.”
“Someone does now.”

9. “What’s all this, then?”
“All what?”
“The candles. The dinner. The soft music.”
“It’s nothing. Just thought we could have a nice romantic evening.”
“And the wrapped present on the table?”
“What? A man can’t buy his lover a little something from time to time?”
“Why today?”
“No reason.”
“Unless you think this day may have special signficance…”
“Okay, so maybe I did a little research…”
“I, um… might have called Angel…”
“Angel? The poof never even knew my… William’s birthday.”
“Aha! So you admit it. And what Angel knew was William’s… your last name. The rest is a matter of public record.”
“Went to a lot of trouble, didn’t you?”
“What can I say? I’m glad you were born, even if it was over a hundred years ago.”

10. “I want this gone.”
“No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Without it, we wouldn’t be here like this.”
“That doesn’t make it right.”
“I’m used to it.”
“It hurts you.”
“I can handle it.”
“You shouldn’t have to. I’ll find a way.”

11. “You’re brooding.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
“Am not.”
“Are too.”
“I don’t brood. And even if I were brooding, you’re not exactly helping.”
“Right. Helping. So: Bronze, blooming onion, beer. You hustle some people at pool and then we’ll hit a cemetery and you can kill things. Lots of things. You in?”

12. “Hey honey, I’m home.”
“Where ya been?”
“You got off work two hours ago.”
“Well, let’s see. After going to the regular grocery store, where yes I did pick up your cigarettes—they’re in that bag over there, I had to go to the froufrou grocery store to get your Weetabix. Then over to the liquor store that doesn’t card for your whiskey. And finally, the butcher shop for your blood—freshest they had, so drink it quick. It’s in that other bag.”
“You’re too good to me, luv.”
“So says my checkbook.”

13. “There is no alarm. It is not going off. It is not morning. I do not have to get up.”
“Sorry, pet, shouldn’t have kept you up so late last night.”
“Spike, if you ever come home from patrol as horny as you were last night and don’t wake me up so you can fuck me through the mattress, I will throw you out.”

14. “’Lo?”
“Did I wake you up?”
“Nah. Where are you?”
“Work. I’m on break.”
“So why’d you…?”
“No reason. Just wanted to say ‘hey.’”

15. “Hey, have you seen…?”
“In the bedroom on the chair.”
“Ta. Is there any…?”
“In the microwave. Still warm.
“Lovely. I’m just gonna…”
“Yeah, have fun. Kill something scary for me.”
“Definitely. I’ll…”
“Wake me up when you get home.”
“Right. I’m…”
“Yeah, I’m looking forward to it, too.”

16. “Are you wearing a wedding ring?”
“Yeah. Kinda getting tired of being hit on, you know? At The Bronze and stuff.”
“Makes sense. You are a nummy treat.”

“Um… here.”
“What’s this, then?”
“Just thought… you know… maybe you might be tired of getting hit on, too.”

The End

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