Disclaimer: I'm a Pretender, all hail Joss the master!

Notes: I did this challenge for another list, but thought I'd post it in the hope it might give someone a giggle, so if you hate totally silly fic, look away now!

Christmas Challenge Requirements:
Spike in a Santa suit.
Spike wearing no underwear under Santa suit.
The discovery by one or more of the Scooby gang of Spike wearing the Santa suit.
The other half of the Spike/? couple, sitting on 'Santa's' lap, *pretending* not to know it's Spike and saying very outrageous things to him (and therefore, discovering Spike is wearing no underwear).
Gonna stretch this challenge to the limits, but it's what I do, baby! *eg* It's sort of a crap fic, but hey, it's just a bit of fun!

Santa's Little Helper


# On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

A vampire up a pear tree...#

Xander chuckled to himself as he sauntered merrily along.

It was Christmas Eve, the Eve of all eves and he totally loved it.

There was a little switch in Xander's head that automatically turned to 'pre-pubescent' at Christmas. It was a time to eat, drink and be incredibly silly... not that he needed much of an excuse to be silly. It was a time for fun, it was a time for presents, it was a time for stuffing.

And speaking of stuffing...

Just in front of him a familiar blonde head had appeared from around the corner, a familiar blonde head attached to the familiar, firm and juicy body currently the residence of one William the Bloody, demon and former bloodsucker extraordinaire.

The dark haired boy wondered how Spike would take it if he knew Xander secretly thought of him as William the Bloody Gorgeous?

For weeks the boy had harboured a secret yearning for a piece of the Big Bad; he wanted to shag Spike until he screamed; he wanted Spike to be his Platinum Baby.

Nowadays Xander found himself wandering around in a state of semi-arousal nearly all of the time, and he wondered how much longer he could keep his desperate need a secret from the vampire. He was sure that Spike would firstly laugh and then ridicule him forever and ever, after telling everyone in town what a pathetic loser he was and how Xander wanted to fuck a demon...again.

Spike seemed to be in a bit of a hurry this evening. Xander noticed that he was carrying a plastic bag, and it didn't look like Spike's normal stash of blood-bags nestling inside. Whatever it was, it looked soft; like material of some sort.

And it was red.

Intrigued, Xander hung back a little and decided to follow Spike, see where he and his mysterious little baggy where going in such a hurry.

It was with a kind of surreal wonder that Xander watched the blonde vampire head straight for Sunnydale's largest department store, and then downstairs towards what was also the largest Santa's Grotto in town.

Dark eyes nearly bulging from their sockets watched in stunned amazement as Spike and his baggy disappeared through a formal looking door which had a sign proclaiming sternly


Xander's brain churned in agitation trying to solve this mini-mystery. It was still churning when five minutes later a suspiciously slim Santa appeared from the previously noticed door, and took his place in the Santa's Grotto awaiting Sunnydales finest and brattiest brats.

Xander's mouth fell open like Scrooge's wallet on Christmas morning.

Surely it *couldn't* be...

An evil little smile spread itself over Xander's face and he decided to have a little fun at the blonde vampire's expense. Bounding upstairs, Xander waited in line patiently until it was his turn to purchase a ticket to Santa's Grotto. Ticket gripped in his sweaty hand, he raced back downstairs and eagerly stood in line with the other kids, studiously ignoring the suspicious looks cast his way from the awaiting parents.

Mentally the boy hugged himself in glee; gods, he looked suspicious enough already standing here amongst hoards of jostling brats, without actually hugging himself for real. He practically salivated at the thought of how embarrassed, how dumbfounded, how totally pissed-off Spike would be when Xander climbed onto his lap and asked him for a few 'Xmas treats'. The best part of the plan was that even if Spike did tell him to get lost, he would be so embarrassed at being found dressed as a Santa and actually working for a living, that he wouldn't be so quick to ridicule Xander.

The perfect Xan-Plan.

By the time it was Xander's turn an hour had passed and one of Santa's little helpers announced that Santa would be taking a break; however he would speak to Xander now. The boy watched as the little helper put a silken rope across the entrance of the grotto to dissuade impatient youngsters from entering.

Eyes dancing with excitement, Xander strode quickly into the grotto and before Santa could say a word, the boy climbed onto his knee.

'Now, now Santa. I know how pleased you are to see me, but... don't talk... just listen while Xander tells you all the naughty things he wants to do to you for Christmas!'

And with that, the dark-haired boy covered Santa's mouth with one hand and leaned heavily against him to prevent him rising from the seat.

Putting his mouth close to Santa's ear, Xander softly purred how much Santa was turning him on and exactly what he wanted to do to him, followed by his hot tongue exploring every crevice of Santa's ear. He told Santa how he had been dreaming of sliding Santa's gorgeous cock into his mouth and sucking it until Santa begged him to fuck him hard. How he would spread Santa's legs and ram into him, fucking him until he passed out. During all this, the boy slid his other hand into Santa's lap and fondled a rapidly awakening part of is anatomy, his own member hardening rapidly in response.

Xander was a little disappointed. Santa's dick was not as large as he had imagined, but at least he was getting the required response.

A muffled groan emitted from behind the hand Xander had over Santa's mouth and the boy sat back slightly, wanting to look in Santa's big brown eyes and see the desire mirrored there.

It was around this point that the boy realised he could hear someone humming softly. Looking over Santa's shoulder, Xander could see that someone in red standing in the corner craning his neck to see what Xander was doing to Santa; watching with a big smile spread all over his face.

Triumphant in his seduction of Santa, Xander gave Spike a broad wink and his largest grin to which Spike replied with a double thumbs-up and a large grin of his own.

Waitttttttttttttttttttt just. one. minute.

Brown eyes?

Spike doesn't have brown eyes... they're blue. Look, see for yourself, he's standing right over...

(( ??? ))

Xander stared in horror at Spike... then at Santa... then back to Spike. Who winked.

The vampire started to sing softly.

He had a great voice, Xander hadn't realised he could sing.

The song... it was kinda familiar...

Smirking, Spike continued to croon as he turned to leave the grotty grotto.

' # I saw Xander shagging Santa Claus, underneath the... # '


'Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods.... You BASTARD! Why didn't you say something! How could you let me sit on that guys lap and ...... ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Unclean, unclean...'

Xander was washing his hands for the fourth time, scrubbing and scrubbing and oh, would the shame ever wash off?

And oh gods... he had put his hand on that guys....


Spike sat nonchalantly watching him, in smirk-mode.

'Bastard... yeah, you said that already, Xan. Anyway... serves you right! You were gonna stitch me up good and proper!'

Xander slumped onto the sofa beside Spike, rubbing at his hands furiously with a towel.

'And what happened to the real Santa, huh? Why weren't you in that chair?'

Spike looked at him quizzically 'Why would I be? I'm not the bloody Santa you moron... Derek, your new friend, now *he's* the Santa. I'm just a lowly Santa-Gram.'

Xander's eyebrows jumped up in unison 'Santa-Gram? Alright. At the risk of being ridiculed and humiliated even more tonight, I gotta ask. What is a Santa-Gram? And why are you it?'

Spike sniffed and glanced away. 'Well... needed the cash, didn't I. No one else would give me a job and then two weeks ago, this guy comes into Willie's Place and he heard me singing. Was Karaoke night, you know. I do a pretty mean Billy Idol, me! Anyway, turns out he works for the department store, and....'

The rest of the conversation for Xander drifted by in a haze of smoky images in which a leather-clad Spike, hair gelled and bare-chested, gyrated in time to a variety of Billy Idol songs whilst Xander drooled in the audience and shoved five dollar bills in the waistband of the blonde's leather trousers, and later his leather g-string as Spike stripped for cash on stage...

'Uhhh Xander?' Spike waved a hand under the dazed boy's nose.

'Whaaaaaaaa? Oh. Sorry. You were saying... Stripping Santa? NO! I meant, Santa-Gram?'

Spike tutted. 'You're a strange one, Xan. Anyway. Meant to ask, what exactly did you say to Derek? He really liked you!'

Xander blushed. 'I don't think I wanna go into that right now' he mumbled.

The boy's face fell as Spike rose to leave. Oh gods... What could he say? How about innocently suggesting going for a beer somewhere?

Yup. Sounds good.

Of course, what came out when he opened his mouth was...

'Hey Spike! You wearing a leather g-string under those pants by any chance?'

Spike turned.

The blonde's eyes twinkled and he licked his lips slowly.

'Actually Xander, I'm not wearing anything under these pants.' He studied the boy for a moment before adding 'Wanna see?'

Walking slowly towards Xander, Spike started to sing softly again.

'# You'd better watch out

You'd better not cry
You'd better not pout I'm tellin' you why Santa Claus is coming....
Oh. In about twenty minutes if I play my cards right. ...To town.#'

Spike reached out and traced a finger over Xander's trembling lips. 'How about it, Xan? Ever wanted to fuck Santa?'

Before he could answer the blonde captured his lips with his, and Xander's head swam as he felt Spike's cool tongue sensuously slither into his mouth.

Xander pressed himself close to Spike, feeling his hip brush against something hard. Moaning, Xander cupped the vampire's erection in his hand and this time there was NO disappointment.

The boy smiled as he realised something else - Spike was right.


The End

Feed the Author

The Spander Files