Summary: The boys are doing their version of a boycott on Valentine's Day. What starts out as a sci-fi marathon ends up with a little more than either had intended.
Rating: FRAO

Pairings: Spander, of course
Warnings: Angel bashing (because he begs for it), Buffy bashing (because she deserves it IMHO), and assorted other non-essentials. Set about five years after both BtVS and AtS.
Disclaimer: Would that I could claim the boys for my own! Alas, multiple entities would sue my butt if I tried.
Author’s Note: Written for Reremouse’s Spander Valentine ficathon.

Guys' Night In


What else were two single men to do on Valentine’s Day? Every one of the 400+ channels available through cable TV were dedicated to something sappy and pink and heart-shaped. Throwing in the towel, they finally agreed to rent DVDs and ignore all the fluffiness of the weekend of lurve. Xander placed his sanity in undead (and not entirely sane) hands by letting Spike pick the video, while he went out for enough junk food to last a couch potato marathon.

Chips, dips, beer, popcorn, pizza, chocolate, and other assorted munchies were piled neatly on the coffee table. Xander claimed his usual spot at the left end of the sofa, leaving Spike the right side. Convenient for the vampire, it was closest to a plug for his electric blanket.

Over the years – and especially since the blond had rejoined the Scoobies after his return to physical density – the former enemies had finally buried their grudges and become close friends. The girls didn’t really understand, and Giles was forever polishing his glasses, but that didn’t matter to them. Guys needed “guy time”. And if Xander remembered to keep quality blood and Spike’s favorite beer stocked, what of it? If Spike brought over amusing articles from obscure magazines and print-outs from the Darwin Awards website just to see his friend chuckle, who could complain?

Xander pushed a second pillow against the arm of the couch, grinning over at his friend. “So bleach boy, what torture do you have for us this evening?”

With a snicker, Spike pushed the play button. A nice little explosion began the scene, followed by blasters going off and people running around in circles before being blown to bits. “This one sounded promising, mate. Let’s give it a watch, shall we?”

The special effects were pretty good – what else were they supposed to be looking for? Xander breathed an internal sigh of relief that his bipolar friend wasn’t in the mood to massacre his brain cells with his odd taste in British sci-fi. Then the camera panned in for a close-up of the main character and he nearly wet himself.

“Holy fuck! It’s him… it’s Caleb!” Leaping over the back of the couch, the mortal’s terror vibrated through his words, actions, and scent.

“Take my love
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don’t care
I’m still free
You can’t take the sky from me”

“C’mon Xan, it’s not that bastard. Here, see? It’s someone who looks like him, but that’s just an actor. Dunno what bloody ijit decided to be born with the same face. Want me to bite him for ya? Pet, please, come out from behind the couch. Credits say this guy’s name is Nathan Fillion. He’s playing the main good guy called Captain Malcolm Reynolds. Feckin’ hell, this was supposed to be a fun, relaxing weekend for us. No birds, no Watchers, no demons or missions of apocalyptic importance…

“Please luv, it’s just a show on the telly.”

Several long minutes later, Spike let out a breath of relief as he watched the trembling mortal make his way back to the sofa. Before he sat down, Xander asked in a shaky whisper, “I know you’re going to hold this over my head for a very long time, but… would you… y’know… sit closer? I’m going to get over this, but it might be easier if I remember someone’s here with me.”

Spike smiled at the request. Not a grin or a sneer, but his true smile. “Think I can hold off on mocking ya until after the hols, mate.”

“Take me out
To the black
Tell’em I ain’t coming back
Burn the land
And boil the sea
You can’t take the sky from me”

It was Xander’s turn to get up and exchange DVDs. The first four episodes had been pretty damned good. Solid characterization, good development of plot and characters, each episode had its own plot devices but there was a good underlying plot for the entire series that was becoming clear too. Even his reactions to Mal Reynolds were starting to calm down. And hey, that Wash fella had great taste in shirts!

As he replaced the first disc in its slot, he heard Spike humming the theme song in the kitchen. Xander grinned at the antics of his “evil” best guy friend.

“Y’know, I’ve got a thought,” he said.

“Don’t hurt yourself, pet.”

Rolling his eyes at the expected snark, Xander called back, “Yeah, it’s about this Fillion guy. I mean, what if he’s really Caleb, but is in another dimension now and trying to work off years of bad karma by being a good guy for a change. ‘Cus you can tell that Malcolm Reynolds doesn’t know how to be a model citizen, but he’s doing the best he can, right?”

He popped the next disc in and turned around, just in time to see Spike roll his eyes – more eloquently than Xander could ever manage – and slap a palm against his forehead.

“You’re barmy, ya know that, right?”

“Hey, it’s just a thought! ‘Cus seriously, if anyone’s got karma to burn off, it’s the psycho priest from Hell. Pun intended. And just look at how much grief he gets from his crew! Talk about paying penance…”

“Xan, sit down and start the next one before you hurt yourself.”

“Have no place
I can be
Since I found Serenity
But you can’t take the sky from me”

Due to the intense snickering from the daft brunet beside him, Spike hit the pause button. He stared hard at Xander for awhile, then smacked him upside the head.

“Hey! What was that for?”

“You were interrupting a perfectly good torture scene with your girly giggles.”

“I was snickering. I’m too manly for girly giggles. See these muscles?” He struck a pose that proved exactly how much good hard labor could do for a masculine body. Spike watched with great interest. “Manly man here. No giggling from the Xanman.”

“Fine, fine, whatever. Are you going to tell me what set you off into gi- snickers? For all you’re nuts, you aren’t covered in chocolate and caramel.” That mental image almost lost the vampire in a wonderfully wicked vision.

“Watch it, blood breath. I know where you keep your duster. And yes, I’ll tell you.” He grinned, then motioned toward the TV screen. “Does Niska remind you of anyone?”

The current episode’s bad guy, a ruthless and sadistic mob type named Niska, was a rat-faced little gnome with enough money and muscle behind him to be able to bully almost everyone he did business with. Spike thought about it for a minute, then shrugged. “Can’t think of anyone in particular, sorry.”

“That’s right, you never had the misfortune to meet my High School principle, Mr. Snyder. There are way too many similarities, both with Snyder and… Angelus.”

“Wait… Angelus? He had more class than this ponce!”

“Well, the old Angelus might have, but the second incarnation? Nah, he was too full of himself to do his reputation justice. And he was just about as nuts too.”

“Huh. Yeah, I can see that. A bit.”

“But a dangerous nuts that you can’t just look at all cross-eyed and pray to go away, like Drusilla.”

“Watch it, mate. Let’s not start in on our batty exes or we’ll be at it all night. And tonight is definitely the wrong time to be all ‘woe is me, I’m single and look what I used to have’, right?”

“Yeah, yeah. Start the show again.”

“Jayne. The man they call Jayne…
He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor.
Stood up to The Man and gave him what for.
Our love for him now ain't hard to explain.
The hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne!”

“Wow, there’s so much sexual tension you’d have to get out a chainsaw to cut through it.”

“Sure is, luv. Mal aught to just throw him down and have at it.”


“ ‘Course ‘him’. That doc’s got a yen for the captain, no doubt about it.”

“Butbutbut Inara and Kaylee!

“Please, those two are at it every chance they get. Let the menfolk have their own fun, yeah?”

“Oh. My. God. I can so see Inara and Kaylee at it, and woah, they need some chocolate syrup and a webcam.”

“Xan, you’re drooling again.”

“Our Jayne saw the Mudders' backs breakin'.
He saw the Mudders' lament.
And he saw the Magistrate takin'
every dollar and leavin' five cents.
So he said "You can't do that to my people."
He said "You can't crush them under your heel."
So Jayne strapped on his hat and in five seconds flat
stole everythin' Boss Higgins had to steal.”

“Y’know, it works better if you watch the episodes in order.”



“That’s what I thought. Besides, this is the third time we’ve seen this one. What does it matter which order we watch them in?”

“Fine.” A huff of aggravation, then: “Keep quiet this time. I wanna hear all the words to the Ballad of Jayne Cobb this time.”

“Now here is what separates heroes
from common folk like you and I.
The man they call Jayne, he turned round his plane
and he let that money hit sky.
He dropped it onto our houses;
he dropped it into our yards.
The man they called Jayne, he stole away our pain
and headed out for the stars!

Here we go!”

Spike’s foot twitched. Once, twice, then stilled. Xander held firm, knowing that the drowsy blond would slip deeper into his nap with warm feet. And if he found a little pleasure in holding onto the bare feet of his man friend (emphasis on the ‘space’ between man and friend), no one would tell on him. Right?

Behind his lashes, Spike watched the flash of indecision cross his Xanpet’s face. It was always fascinating, this off-and-on war the mortal had going. He was so deeply into denial about what was going on between them that it would take a Blue Sun operative to dig to the bottom of his subconscious. Pity that. But Spike could be patient when he really wanted something.


Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, Xander stretched his cramped muscles and promptly fell off the couch. It was a happy coincidence that he took the blanket and Spike with him. Misery loves company, right? Before he could gloat too much, however, he took a quick inventory of body parts. How on earth had the evil undead snuggle bunny ended up laying the same direction? Feet to feet, head to head, and all other corresponding bits… bit to bit. And his bits were pretty happy about that.

He tried to push Spike off, honestly he did. There were some things that shouldn’t be shared with best guy friends. Morning wood? Definitely not a sharing experience! But damn, Spike’s weight reminded him of how much he missed having that extra special, naughty touching that was never to be done with his girls.

A fact that Xan Junior was quick to inform him of.

It certainly didn’t help that Spike’s spike seemed just as happy about the situation. But they’re both guys and guys wake up with erections and wow who’d have thought such a compact frame could have such a substantial… Not going there! Nope, would be such a very bad idea. Umm…

Before his train of thought could depart from Naughty Thoughts terminal, en route to Very Bad Potential Friendship Ending Touching station, Spike cuddled closer. Unruly blond hair tickled the side of Xander’s neck. Wiry strong arms held him in place. One slender thigh fought its way between his legs. Xan Junior and Spike’s spike said good morning to each other in a slow, sensuous rub that Xander would never have believed could make him so near to climax. Just one agonizingly slow grind and he was ready to erupt!

Wait a minute…

“Spike! If you’re awake and fucking with me, I’m going to add holy water to every bag of blood here and at Headquarters.”

“Mmm, still ‘sleep. Hush. Quiet. Smell good.”

Smell? Oh shit – vamp senses could sniff out all sorts of embarrassing things. Xander renewed his struggles, much to his friend’s delight.

“Oh yeah, right about there, luv.” Nuzzling against Xander’s hot neck, Spike took a deep breath, making sure to exhale against the tender skin beneath his friend’s earlobe. The full body shiver felt so very good that he moved to the other side and repeated the process.

“Gods, Spike, will you cut it out? If anyone saw this, they’d think we were gay or something.”

Spike’s brain was much more alert than his body – thanks to the rudeness of falling off the couch. He sighed at the mortal’s prudish sexuality. “Xan, first off, there’s no one here but us. Second, what does it matter if we’re both blokes? Nothing wrong with making each other feel good. ‘Sides, haven’t you ever thought about it? What it’s like? Can be wonderful, even better than with a woman.”

“Alright evil undead, you’ve made your point. I’m repressed, uptight, uncultured, unenlightened, or whatever point you’re trying to make here. I’m all of that, and probably more. Immature, homophobic even. Only not with the lesbians, ‘cus that would be wrong and sexist and get me in so very much trouble with Willow and did she set you up to this? She swears she never cast a “Gay me up!” spell on me, but it would be so like her to do it ‘for my own good’, y’know? And yeah, it’s been a long time since my last date, but-”

Xander-babble was nothing new, but it was too early in the morning for Spike to deal with. He stopped it in the most efficient manner, by kissing the breath out of the nerve-wrecked human.

Taking a break for air, Spike opened his eyes to see the most beautiful expression on Xander’s face. Peace, happiness, just a touch of confusion, and the blissful air of a person well-kissed. He added a dozen butterfly kisses across stubbly cheeks, then asked, “Still feel wrong to you, luv?”

Glassy-eyed, Xander stared at the blond. What could he say? He’d never felt such honest passion before, not from just a kiss. Guy? Yep. Vampire? Sure. Friend… Of course. Hadn’t he learned how to trust Spike with not only his own life, but the lives of his girls, all the baby Slayers, hell, the whole world? And while the bleached menace could occasionally play games with people’s heads, he hadn’t actually done anything mean since that last year in Sunnydale.

“Feels all sorts of right. Which, with my luck in all things romantic, means that it’s going to end in disaster.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Xander wished he could take them back. That look of defeat on Spike’s face kicked him in the heart. “But I’ve never been known for my brains. Please, let us continue.” He offered his face up for another kiss.

“Hold up a sec, luv. Do you even know where this will go?”

Blushing down to his toenails, Xander had to admit, “Uh, I’d probably get a C+ in theory, ‘cus there’s only so many Slot A’s in which to insert Tab B, right? But I’ve never taken the practical and will probably fail the whole class.”

Being silenced by cool, smooth lips was the best method of interruption, Xander decided.

Spike finally let him take a breath. “We’ve got loads of time to set you up with tutoring, Xan. Never was one of those wham-bam-thanky-ma’am types. Best way to make sure we aren’t setting off some sort of dating apocalypse is to do this slow. Dating, you humans call it. We’ll get to the steamy parts soon enough, yeah?”

A tremor of anticipation raced through his body at that promise. Xander could count the times he’d taken a relationship slowly on the fingers of one thumb.

“Sounds like a plan then.” A wicked grin crept across his face. “And if we make it to a one-year anniversary, we can visit the in-laws in L.A. I’d love to creep out Angel by having sex in his office. He’ll be smelling it for months!”

“Oh Xan, I love it when you’re devious.”

Here's the assignment. Writing for Snowpuppies who asked for:

How Spike and Xander express their love: By mutual making fun of Angel, or doing something geeky together (like watching Star Trek), or adopting a cat
When Spike and Xander express their love (what era Spander you want): Ats S5 or Post-series (comics compliant or not)
Where Spike and Xander express their love (optional): wherever (although "on Angel's desk" or "in Angel's suite" sound good, too)
Who else (if anyone) is involved: Dawn or Tara or Fred
What else (if anything) is involved: a cat, banter
Up to three things you don't want: sappy fluff, "I love you", claiming/involved vamp lore

Well, I tried to match your request… But not being a Star Trek/Star Wars fan, I had to pick something I’m familiar with for them to geek over. Pay no attention to the soundtrack – it’s only in my mind and has little relevance to the story. Unless you’re a Firefly fan too * grin *

The End

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