Disclaimer:I own nothing. Joss owns all. You know the drill. All characters from the Buffy and Angel television shows are the sole property of Joss Whedon, UPN, WB, Mutant Enemy, and all other affiliates.
Run, Spander, run!
Xander woke up with a smile. It was Sunday. This was his first night in his lovely new apartment, with his lovely not so new girlfriend and he was in the mood for some morning canoodling. He reached out for Anya, wanting his morning snuggles but instead of warm, squirmy ex-demon he got cold, flat sheets.
"Xander I don't love you anymore."
He sat up on the bed. Anya was standing at the door, a packed bag next to her.
"I also think you're gay. I shall now take all your money and leave you penniless and broken-hearted. You may seek love in the arms of a short, blond vampire. Or possibly a tall, dark, brooding one. Whatever rocks your boat," she said and disappeared in a poof of obviously demony smoke.
Xander fell back on his bed and groaned.
Spike woke up just as dusk fell. He stretched, body taut as a bow, before relaxing back into the bed, absently scratching his stomach. Today was Sunday, which meant that he'd have to meet with the idiot children and their git of a father figure. Still, it got him some prime slaughtering action so who was he to complain. Besides, the whelp had the most delicious expression on his face whenever Spike saved him, real nummy treat that boy was…
Blue eyes opened wide as he realized what he was thinking and Spike covered his eyes and groaned in dismay.
"Oh bloody hell, not again!"
Xander looked through the window of the Magic Shop, making sure that no trademark blond hair was glinting under the shop's lights. He stepped inside, muscles rippling as he pushed the door open with his freakishly muscled forearm.
"My muscles do not ripple," he muttered, glaring upwards, “and I’m not freakishly muscled.”
He settled down in his usual place, woefully ignored by all his friends who were too busy leading their own lives to pay much notice to the poor, misunderstood, uneducated boy with no superpowers.
"Oh my God, please tell me you're not going that way!" Xander protested.
Just then, the door burst open and in swaggered the sexy blond vampire.
"Oh look, it's fangless," Buffy said, stake at the ready. "Give me a reason, Spike, any reason. I have an itchy stake finger today."
Spike simply blinked at her and went to sit next to Xander. It always unnerved him a bit when the Slayer started spouting insults for no reason at all.
"I wish they’d stop making her do that,” he muttered as he sat down. “You. Please tell me you're aware of what's going on. Last time you got all caught up and you kept trying to snog me."
Xander grimaced and reflexively wiped his lips with his sleeve. "Don't remind me. Why don't they get that I don't like you! Plus, I'm straight!"
Spike raised his eyebrows and slowly dragged his intense blue gaze from Xander's feet up to his adorably shaggy hair. He hadn’t noticed how bloody gorgeous his little Xanpet had gotten in the past few years. All that working construction had done wonders for the boy’s body and those eyes! Oh, those eyes, like melted chocolate orbs, could look straight into his non-existent soul.
"Oh…I'm sure I could change your mind, pet," he leered.
Xander sighed and smacked him at the back of his head. "Snap out of it!"
"You don't have to hit so hard," Spike growled as he rubbed his head.
"She nearly had you." Xander absently took Spike's hand in his and started playing with the long, slim fingers.
"Yes, well, I'm more stubborn than she is," Spike replied, leaning a little closer to him.
Their lips were about to meet in a most perfect expression of their love when Xander realized what was going on. "AURGH!" he screamed as he jumped back, tripping over a chair and falling down on his as. "I'm with Anya damnit! Or I will be again as soon as this is all over and done with. And I'm straight!"
Spike smirked. “Methinks the gentleman protests too much,” he drawled.
Willow looked up at him for a moment, worried about her best friend’s outburst. Anya had come to see Willow before she’d left this morning and she'd told Willow that Xander had been moaning a man's name in his sleep. Xander was obviously in denial, he needed help to realize that being gay wasn’t bad and that his friends wouldn’t judge him.
She kneeled next to Xander, still lying prone on the floor, and petted his hair.
"Don't worry sweetie. I'll help you. We can do a spell to help you find your true love," she comforted. “Even if it’s a guy I’ll support you. That’s what friends are for!”
Xander aimed yet another murderous look towards the ceiling. "You do realize you're being inconsistent, right? She barely noticed me come in before and now I'm all best-friend-to-be-helped?"
"In fact, why don't we do it right now? Buffy can help." Willow beamed at him and rushed off to get the ingredients ready. “We have everything in stock so we can do it right now!” she exclaimed a few moments later.
"Bitch," Xander grumbled "you could have had a missing herb or something but noooo, not little miss writes-a-lot, she wants us to do it all right now." He looked around the room. "What the hell did you do to Spike?"
Spike was about to comment on the sickly sweet Willow comforting his num…fuck that, comforting Harris! The man’s name was Harris! The problem was… he wasn't in the Magic Shop anymore. He was in the middle of a generic cemetery with some seven foot monster about to take his head off.
"No!" he screamed and ran for his life. "I refuse to be beat up just so Harris will feel sorry for me and realize he loves me deep down! Find another way to get us together you psychotic nutcase," he said as he went, "Better yet, give up altogether. The one time with Angel happened only once for a bloody good reason!"
"Please Willow, it's a bad, bad idea I tell you! Nothing good can come of this," Xander insisted but Willow cheerfully ignored him as Buffy helpfully provided the ingredients for the spell.
"Don't worry Xan, we'll get you fixed up with some nice man in no time," Buffy piped up.
"And where the hell is Giles?" he demanded, "He would never put up with weird spells, no matter how out of character he's written!"
"Isn't it lucky that Giles went off on that surprise business trip? If he was here he would never let me do the spell." Willow shared that information with a great big smile. Xander decided she even looked a little bit smug. Stupid writer making his best friend look smug.
“Now shoo, you might mess up the spell,” Buffy accompanied her words with a little shove towards the research area. A little shove that sent him halfway to the table.
"Please, please tell me that they won't be all helpful and try to set me up with Spike," he said, looking upwards imploringly.
Just then, Willow finished chanting the spell and the image of his true love flickered in all its holographic glory. Beautiful white blond locks shone, that lovely shapely mouth was smirking slightly and the world’s favourite brilliant blue orbs sparkled.
“Yeah, yeah,” Xander muttered, “They probably even whirl around. Are they orbing around anything? They’re eyes not tiny little planets. Incompetent kook. What else are you going to do you insane-”
"SPIKE!" Buffy screeched, "I'm going to stake him deader!"
"Bitch," Xander concluded firmly.
"Oh my God, he can't have Xander. Spike's evil and dead and wrong! We have to save Xander from him," Willow declared. "There has to be a spell that can help us."
"Evil bitch," Xander amended.
Spike burst through the door, slamming it closed behind him. "Thought you got me did you, writer girl?" he snickered.
"Sadistic evil bitch," Xander revised his opinion once more. "Spike, run!" he yelled, "She's sicced Buffy on you!"
Spike barely took the time to look at the enraged Slayer before taking off once more.
"Oh…oh you warned him!" Willow said, voice reflecting the awe she felt at what she had just witnessed, "You love him. Oh Xander I'm sorry I was such an evil witch." Tears filled her eyes as she pondered on the injustice she had done her best friend.
"Oh now you're just being ridiculous," Xander muttered and made to leave the shop.
Buffy, who had curiously enough, not followed the fleeing vampire, let out a mighty roar of anger.
"He can't love him! Spike is soulless and evil! He probably contaminated Xander with his foulness."
Xander knew it was coming, it'd happened enough times in the past for him to be well aware of what writers did when they turned Buffy into a bitch.
"I'll kill them both! Xander will be dead but he'll be clean."
There it was. "Excuse me ladies, time to run," he said cheerfully and put his words into action. He caught up with Spike just outside the shop, leaning against the wall and smoking a cigarette.
"I thought you were already gone!" he exclaimed.
"Stupid bint wouldn't let me. No matter which way I went I kept ending up here so I stopped and waited for whatever she had planned."
Another scream full of rage was heard from the inside of the shop.
"RUN!" Xander yelled.
Xander breathed heavily, hands resting on his knees as he tried to get his breath back.
"Don't you think she'll come look for us in your flat?" Spike asked from his position near the front door.
"Yes," Xander promptly replied, "Which is why we're piling up all the furniture I have in front of the door. Even the psycho won’t be able to help her get through!"
That done, they flopped down on the floor and watched the door, waiting for the Slayer to come.
"This is ridiculous," Spike muttered, lighting up his seventh cigarette of the evening.
“I think she's trying to bore us into submission," Xander added, chewing absently on a fingernail. "I'll go find me something to eat," he sighed and wandered off to the kitchen.
Moments later he was screaming bloody murder. Spike scrambled up and ran to the kitchen, sure that there was some kind of demon in there, probably to force them to band together. Some people went for the near-death bonding route.
"This is the final straw!" Xander screamed, frantically opening all the cupboards in the room, "She nearly got you killed! She turned my best friends into psychotic bitches! And now...now my freaking kitchen has nothing in it but twinkies! It's like I live off the stuff!"
Spike tilted his head to the side and looked at him dubiously.
“It’s a freaking snack Spike! I live with Anya for fuck’s sake, she’s all about healthy eating!” The blond looked like he was about to protest so Xander raised his hand up, index finger extended. “I know we technically broke up but that was only this morning and I’m sure she’ll be back as soon as this story is over.”
“Alright, Harris, no need to get your knickers in a twist,” Spike said, rolling his eyes at him.
“I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!”
“Oh look, Buffy’s here. I wonder what she wants,” Xander said dryly.
The door rattled but held firm.
“Are you sure she can’t get in?”
“Yep,” Xander replied promptly, “I tried it last time they made her all psychotic and evil.”
“I don’t remember that,” Spike frowned.
“They paired me with tall, dark and broody.”
“Oh. Sorry Xan.” The blond laid a commiserative hand on Xander’s shoulder. He still winced whenever he remembered his one time with the sodding idiot.
“No big, I got away with it that time. I think she got distracted by Wesley going all stubbly and hot.”
“OPEN THE DOOR YOU FAGGOTS!”
“Now that hurts my feelings,” Xander said, bringing his hand up to his forehead and striking a dramatic pose.
“COME OUT AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN YOU UNDEAD FREAK!”
“Should I point out that technically I’m not a man?” Spike asked.
“Nah, it’ll only rile her up more.”
The hall way went suddenly quiet and the door stopped rattling.
“D’you think she’s gone?” Xander asked, stepping closer to the door.
“Shhh…I’m trying to hear,” Spike hissed.
A few moments later he grabbed Xander and retreated nearer the kitchen. The couch started trembling and slid away from the door.
“Willow’s helping her,” Spike explained, “She decided that I couldn’t possibly be good for you.”
“What? This is beyond ridiculous! Willow was on our side,” Xander protested.
“Not anymore.” Spike pointed at the easy chair now making its way across the floor.
Xander stared, horrified, as the barricade was slowly broken down, opening the way for a homicidal slayer and a witch that couldn’t make up her mind whether to kill them or save them.
“Spike, quick, kiss me!”
Spike looked at him suspiciously. “Did she get you? Snap out of it Harris! You don’t want to kiss me, remember?”
"No, she didn’t get me. It’s just that…maybe if you kiss me she'll go away," Xander explained just as the last piece of furniture slid away from the door.
“I’M COMING IN!”
"Fine, but this better work!" Spike replied, "And I draw the line at shagging. With our luck she'd go on about my hot throbbing member and your tight hot channel," he continued, shuddering lightly at the mere thought.
The door rattled once more, nearly coming off its hinges.
"Hey! Why not my hot throbbing member and your tight hot channel? Maybe she's one of those who like to mix things up a bit."
Spike stared at him dubiously. Everyone knew he was always the top.
"Look, Harris, just shut up and kiss me before she makes me call you whelp again."
"Well, when you put it that way," Xander muttered.
The door burst open and Buffy stormed in, followed by a black-eyed, veiny Willow.
With a suitably romantic sigh, Xander made his eyes as big and innocent as he could. "I love you, you evil scary vampire you. Kiss me!"
Spike tried to roll his eyes at the overwrought gesture but instead he found himself stepping closer and taking Xander into his arms.
"I'll protect you with my very unlife, my pet. As soon as you agree, we shall be mated and you shall be my consort!" he declared and swooped down to kiss his boy.
Buffy and Willow, sighed happily and awed at the new couple and started making plans for the commitment ceremony.
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