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Ex-Evil Blonds Anonymous


by
Nash



1 Brunets in Conversation

Xander settled down on his comfortable chair in the hotel cafe and sipped at his latte. He’d come to pick up Spike from his weekly Ex-Evil Blonds Anonymous meeting and he could hear the arguing all the way out on the hotel lounge which usually meant he had a long wait.

“Probably plotting world domination again,” he muttered into his cup.

“Oh no, the last sentence I caught was more along the lines of setting up a dictatorship in some island first.”

Xander looked up in surprise to find the teenager sitting across from him smiling in his direction.

“You have one of them?” he asked, gesturing towards the sign.

“Yup,” the kid nodded.

“Is he big on world domination?”

“Nah, he thinks the world already belongs to him. We’re all painfully inferior compared to his absolute perfection and live to serve him.” The reply came with a rolling of the eyes and Xander knew he had found a fellow sufferer.

“Mine just can’t be bothered to put the plan into action. With Spike it’s all about instant gratification. He thinks he can get anything just by batting his big blues at me." he replied. "Xander Harris,” he introduced himself.

“Harry Potter,” the kid replied, looking a little nervous.

“Oh I heard of you, I should have known what with the scar and all,” Xander exclaimed, wondering a little at the increased nervousness. “Spike spotted you waiting out here a couple of times and asked your guy." At Harry's curious look, Xander explained, "My blond has joined forces with your blond. They’re gonna take over the group. Apparently the only sane, smart ones are our boys, everyone else is dumb and needs to be led."

The nervousness disappeared completely as the boy laughed. “Yeah, sounds like Draco. What’s the point of being in a group if you’re not the leader, Potter? Powerful wizards like myself have a duty to lead.” he said, obviously mimicking his lover.

“Yours is a wizard?” Xander asked, still giggling lightly.

“Yeah, I’m one too though not half as conceited as Draco. Yours?”

“Mine is a vampire. He's ex-evil though, don't forget!” Xander hastened to add. “No magically turning him into a pile of ash, okay?”

Harry laughed and shook his head. “No piles of ash, promise. Draco would nag until I found a way to bring him back anyway.”

“Oh no, I’m not worried about that. Spike is pretty indestructible. He went down a hellmouth and came back two weeks later. Like a bad penny, he just won't go away,” Xander said, smiling fondly.

Suddenly the commotion moved outside and Xander spotted Spike, in full game face, growling at some woman.

"I should get him before he forgets he can't kill people anymore," Xander sighed and said his goodbyes. "See you next week."





2 Comparing Notes

Harry followed Draco into the foyer, glaring daggers at the back of his head.

"Hand it over, now," he snapped when Draco stopped in front of the meeting door and turned to look at him.

Draco's hopeful look turned into a glare and he practically threw his wand at Harry before he walked into the room.

"Giving you trouble?"

With one last glare at the door, Harry turned to Xander.

"He's been threatening to hex the group leader all week so I took his wand away."

Xander looked impressed. "Man, I wish I could take Spike's fangs away like that. Didn't he get mad at you though?"

Harry raised his eyebrows, "Did you not notice the glare of death? I had to threaten him with no sex for a month before he agreed to hand the blasted thing over. Stop laughing at my misery!" he protested as Xander burst into laughter.

"Sorry," Xander apologized, looking more amused than contrite.

"I'm going in, pet. Draco just arrived, we're going to put the plan into motion today," Spike walked up, dropped a kiss on Xander's lips and walked inside.

"That's your blond?"

"Yeah?" Xander replied, clearly puzzled at Harry's ouburst.

"Short, slim with slicked back hair and a pointy face?"

"Yeeeees," Xander said, still waiting for Harry to explain.

"With an attitude, delusions of grandeur, and a bloody annoying belief that he is, in fact, the most important person in the world."

Xander nodded, still confused.

"Xander...you're dating a damn near carbon copy of Draco."

Xander nearly fell over in shock. Harry supported him until they reached the cafe where they both ordered coffee and started comparing notes.

"Does he complain, loudly, every time you go out with your two best friends?"

Xander nodded. "Does he insult them every chance he gets?"

"Yup, it's a matter of principle apparently. Is he obsessed with his hair? Like not one bit of it can be out of place or the world will surely end," Harry said, laughing a little.

"Oh yeah and he always complains about mine too, muttering that it's too shaggy and I should do something about it but he loves it really."

Harry grinned and nodded. Draco was exactly the same way. "Is he..." Harry blushed and leaned close to whisper in Xander's ear. Xander's eyes widened and he snickered, gesturing with his hands.

"Really?" Harry asked, sounding impressed. "Draco's..." he gestured as well.

"Oh that's impressive! I can't believe you asked me that!" Xander protested, laughing as he blushed.

"Yeah well, ask something else quick, before I blush to death," Harry muttered, looking down at his shoes.

"Does his sire hate your guts?"

"Sire?" Harry asked, frowning.

"Father-type person."

"Oh, hell yeah. In fact he tried to kill me a couple of times. Draco had to choose between us in the end."

Xander reached out to pat Harry's back. "Spike's sire tried to kill me a couple of times too but I got lucky. Spike's not talking to him now but then, he always did hate the bastard."

"Does he tell you you're an idiot every time you try and save the world?" Harry asked, wanting to change the subject.

"Yup, he tags along saying someone has to protect my goody goody ass and complains all through the world-saving."

Harry smiled, "Draco does that too. He keeps blaming Ron and Hermione for letting me get into trouble."

"Spike blames Willow and Buffy," Xander replied, grinning at him. "Does he-"

The door slammed open and an irate Draco stomped outside. "HARRY! I don't care if the ministry insists on me attending these things, I'm going to cast an unforgivable on that...that...woman! Give me my wand! NOW!"

"Right, I have to go save someone from Draco's wrath. See you next time," Harry said as he ran towards his blond.





3 Underhanded

“Has he gone in?”

Harry jumped as the voice suddenly intruded into his thoughts. He looked behind him to see Xander smiling at him.

“Yeah. Yours?”

“He’s bouncing in as we speak. I think they’re up to something, Spike was way too happy about coming here.”

Harry watched Xander’s evil blond vibrate his way into the room.

“Yeah, they must be. Draco didn’t complain or try to curse the Minister of Magic even once on the way,” he agreed.

They both stared at the door, frowning at it as if it could tell them what their respective lovers were up to. A few moments later they both shrugged and made their way to the café for a nice hot cup of caramel coffee.

“So long as they don’t blow up the place,” Xander commented as they settled down in their usual spot. "Save the world lately?"

"Nah, it's always quiet during the holidays," Harry replied, rummaging into his backpack.

"Same here. Maybe the bad guys all go on vacation or something." Xander smiled a thank you at the waiter and sipped his coffee, sighing happily at the taste.

Harry looked up from his search and grinned. "I can just picture Voldermort in speedos sunning himself in the South of France."

"With any luck he'll get eaten by a shark or something."

They smiled at each other for a moment, then Harry went back to rummaging.

"Okay, I give up. What are you looking for!"

"Draco's present. I want your opinion."

"Oh." Xander flushed with pleasure. Having someone ask his opinion on something like this didn't really happen all that often. Or at all, really.

"I figure if you think Spike'll like it then Draco will," Harry grinned and triumphantly pulled a round box from his backpack. He tossed it at Xander and leaned back on his seat, taking a sip of his own coffee.

Xander carefully opened the box, looked at the contents, looked back at Harry who had a blissful expression on his face as he drank some more coffee, looked back at the contents and frowned.

"It's teeth," he stated, looking about as bewildered as he felt.

"Vampire ones," Harry agreed. "Fake, not real!" he hastened to add when Xander looked at him in horror. "They're magicked to turn whoever wears them into a vampire until he takes them off. Without the blood lust and all that of course," he continued, waving his hand around.

"That is so cool," Xander proclaimed after a moment's thought, poking the teeth with his finger. They snapped at him and he immediately pulled his finger back and slammed the box closed.

"Yeah well, I figured since Draco's new best friend is a vampire he might want to do more things with him."

Harry tried to look innocent as Xander looked at him thoughtfully.

"And this would have nothing to do with finally getting to go out with Ron and Hermione without hearing Draco whine about it?"

"Of course not, would I be so underhanded?" Harry protested.

"Oh please, you so would. It's cool though, if Spike's with Draco, I get to go out with Willow and Buffy without him whining about it."

The boys grinned at each other in perfect understanding just as the door burst open and two smug looking blondes walked out.





4 Application Rejected

"Do you ever wonder what they're doing in there?"

Harry was looking at the blue door thoughtfully. Behind that door was his boyfriend, along with Xander's boyfriend, or should that be vampfriend? Harry wasn't clear on that and always forgot to ask Xander. So…behind that door were their respective boyfriends along with about a dozen other blonds with evil tendencies doing...something.

Xander raised his eyebrow in a move blatantly copied from Spike and cast a thoughtful glance at the door.

"Not unless Spike is especially cheerful." Xander turned to look at Harry, still staring at the door. "Why?"

"Draco was entirely too smug today." Harry finally faced Xander. "I even called Hermione and Ron to check they weren't victims to some of his more elaborate pranks. They weren't," he continued off Xander's questioning look. "Neither was Remus. Snape yelled at me for waking him up and said no, he had no idea why my boyfriend was smug but then he hadn’t had any idea what the little git was still doing with me so he wasn't the best person to ask about his godson's state of mind." Harry rolled his eyes, "I think he still has issues with Draco and I being together."

"Naaaah, whatever gave you that idea?" Xander grinned. This Snape guy sounded a bit like Giles had when Spike and Xander had first gone public. He watched as Harry went back to watching the door. “What brought on this bought of worrying anyway?”

“Draco handed over his wand without complaining. Besides, he hasn’t looked this smug since he turned the ghost of that Walsh woman into the ghost of a toad. Stop laughing, it wasn’t funny!”

“Hey, she stuck a chip in my boyfriend's brain! Okay, he wasn’t my boyfriend then and he was evil and all but it’s the principle of the thing,” Xander protested, still snickering lightly.

“Yes but you weren’t the one who had to deal with a Ministry investigation,” Harry pouted.

Xander rolled his eyes and tried to change the subject. “Did you hear? Some new guy was supposed to come in today. Spike already hates him but he refused to tell me why. He kept messing about with hair-dye and muttering about how this guy was going to get what was coming to him. I think his name was something with an L...Lucas?”

Harry snapped his head around to look at Xander. “You don’t mean 'Lucius' do you?”

Xander shrugged. “Not sure. When Spike starts muttering I stop paying attention.”

At that moment the door opened and a tall dark-haired man was literally kicked out.

“Sorry, Father but this is Ex-Evil Blonds Anonymous and seeing as you haven’t proven that I magically tampered with your hair, you can’t join.”





5 He's got him

Xander had been sitting on the coffee-shop couch waiting for Harry for over half an hour before he started panicking. The Ministry of Magic had made the Ex-Evil Blonds Anonymous meetings mandatory for Draco, and Xander knew Harry would never allow his boyfriend to miss a meeting.

“They here yet?”

To top it all off, he had his own boyfriend stalking out of the meeting room every two minutes to ask the same question.

“No, Spike. Go back in.”

Spike stood there glaring at him.

“You’ll see Draco the minute he gets into the room! Go back in.”

One more glare and Spike went in. Not before he made it clear that Xander would be sleeping on the couch, though.

Xander restlessly started to pace around the lobby, muttering about disappearing friends and checking his watch every few seconds. It was another ten minutes before they showed up. Draco sauntered into the meeting room, evil smile firmly in place, while Harry smiled at Xander and led the way back to the coffee-shop area.

“Hey,” he smiled.

“Don’t you ‘hey’ me! You nearly missed the meeting!” Xander sat across from Harry, finally taking a good look at him. “And you’re all messed up and…is that a bruise? What happened? What’s his face isn’t back, is he?”

“What? No! No, no, nothing like that.”

Xander frowned, looking closely at the disheveled appearance of his friend. He leaned closer, took hold of Harry’s chin, and tilted his head to the side.

“That’s not a bruise, that’s a hickey!”

“No it’s not!” Harry protested, pulling away from Xander’s grasp. “What’s a hickey?”

“A freaking love bite is what it is.”

Harry blinked at Xander, a blush spreading across his face. Xander’s eyes widened and he pointed in accusation.

“He got you, didn’t he?”

Harry shrugged, looking away from his friend.

“He did! Admit it, he so did!”

“Yeah, he did,” Harry replied miserably.

Xander eeped, “Oh God, I didn’t believe it until you said it,” he exclaimed.

“What? But you said…you insisted! You utter prat,” Harry glared.

“Yeah, yeah,” Xander waved his hand in dismissal, “I can’t believe you let him get you. We agreed to be strong! To resist! To tell the wankers to sod off,” he declared, edging a little evangelist into his tone.

Harry’s eyebrows shot up, and he rolled his eyes at Xander. “Okay, first, do not swear in English…ever. It sounds weird and wrong. Very, very wrong,” he said, lifting a finger and making a shush noise when Xander looked about to protest. “Just. Don’t.” Then his stance crumbled, and he slouched back in his armchair. “He got me. You don’t understand, though. He’s stronger than me! He has all those evil tricks he does and…” Xander did not look convinced. “He pouted at me.”

“So did mine, but we still got here on time!”

Harry resorted to sulking for a while.

“Plus, he did that thing with his tongue.”

“Harry, give it up. He got you.”

“You don’t understand, the tongue thing is lethal! Besides it’s not as if yours doesn’t get you at times.”

Xander merely shook his head at him. Harry narrowed his eyes.

“Want to bet that Spike will make you late at least once in the next two weeks?”


~*~*~*~*~


Harry sat in front of the fireplace, in his comfy couch, with his boyfriend’s head on his lap.

“You did teach Spike the tongue thing, right?”

“Yes, Harry, for the last time, I taught Spike the tongue thing. Now shut up and stroke my hair.”

Harry’s smile was positively evil.





6 Blond Vs Blond

Harry and Xander had already predicted this. They both knew it would happen sooner or later. What with Draco's superiority complex and Spike's temper, it was only a matter of time before they came to blows. What they never expected was the reason.

They were having their usual caramel flavoured coffee in the cafe outside the meeting room when the blue door slammed open and a blond whirlwind flew out.

"We are going home," Spike snarled, grabbing hold of Xander's arm.

"But the meeting!"

"Sod the meeting. We're going home."

Xander was no match for vampire strength. Before he could so much as say goodbye he was dragged away. Harry watched them go, completely bewildered as to why he wasn't being dragged away by his own blond. Ever since the two had met they would do everything together.

The mystery was solved at the end of the meeting when Draco emerged from the room accompanied by their new member.

"Of course, I wanted to be an actor," the man had a slight French accent, just enough to give a charming note to his words, "but Magnus saved my life. After all, better to be a well known vampire than a dead unknown actor, n'est pas?"

Draco was hanging from the vampire's every word.

"Oh bugger," Harry muttered.


~*~*~*~*~


"Your boyfriend dumped my boyfriend!" Xander exclaimed after shooing a very sullen Spike into the meeting room.

"For Lestat!" Harry said, his own surprise evident. "I have no idea how this happened. He and Spike were perfect for each other!"

"Lestat?" Xander exclaimed, "You mean he's real? That is so cool."

Harry glared meaningfully at Xander.

"Well it is! Cooler than Dracula even."

"Yes, Draco agrees with that. Which is why he dumped Spike."

Xander sobered up. They both sighed and sipped their coffee.

"We need to fix this," Harry said.

Xander nodded his agreement.

"Yeah. Spike said I'm not to consort with the enemy. That's you by the way."

"Draco wants to introduce me to Lestat's girlfriend. And boyfriend. Apparently they go in threes."

They were quiet for a few moments.

"We could dye Lestat's hair black. They'd kick him out of the group then," Xander suggested.

"No, they did that for Lucius," Harry disagreed. "We could bribe the leader of the group to kick him out."

"Spike already tried that to get out of going himself. The guy's a ghost and no amount of gold will tempt him," Xander grimaced, remembering the three-day sulk that followed that attempt. "We could slay him."

"Only if you want Draco to slay me."

The door burst open and once more a blond dynamo emerged.

"Harry, we're going."

"But I haven't finished my coff-"

The end of the word was drowned out by the crack of apparition.

Xander stared at the space where Harry and Draco had stood.

"Curiouser and curiouser."


~*~*~*~*~


"So?" Xander demanded the moment Harry sat down.

"He wouldn't tell me anything. He wouldn't even let me broach the subject."

"Damn. Neither would Spike. He was quiet all last week."

They both looked apprehensively at the door.

"I hope they don't kill each other," Harry said.

They tried to keep to their usual routine of aimless chatting, but for the first time since they bonded over their respective blonds they were too worried about what was happening behind the blue door to do anything but stare at it.

Soon it slammed open again and for the third time a blond emerged in a dramatic manner. This one was thrown out by two others.

"You do not thrall my friends you piss poor excuse for a vampire," Spike snarled.

Beside him Draco whipped out his wand and aimed it at Lestat.

"Desaungeo."

At the sound of the spell Harry started giggling.

"What?" Xander asked. "Lestat hasn't blown up or lost his hair or anything."

Harry just kept on laughing.

"Whaaaaat," Xander whined.

Then Lestat got up and turned to leave. In the process his face became visible.

"Holy fuck!" Xander exclaimed, promptly bursting into laughter himself.

Lestat's canines had grown down to his chin, much like a sabre tooth tiger.

"Oh that is priceless," Harry managed to say between giggles.





7 Baby Boom

“Morning,” Harry yawned as he settled down on the chair across from Xander.

Xander looked up from his magazine in time to see Draco slip through the blue door.

“What’s with the Dawn of the Dead look?” he asked.

Harry signalled the waiter who promptly nodded his understanding.

“Hermione had a baby,” he sighed.

“And why do you look like you had one?” Xander enquired as politely as he could fake.

Harry favoured him with a glare.

“No, seriously.”

The glare continued for a few moments as Xander tried to look as innocent as possible.

“Fine,” Harry finally said, “if you must know, Draco freaked out.”

“What, he thought all the attention would shift from him to the baby?”

Spike had had a similar reaction when Willow’s daughter was born. Except in Spike’s case, it was less freaking out and more about all-sex-all-the-time.

Xander smiled smugly at the memory. Those were a fun couple of weeks.

“Not exactly.”

Harry smiled a thank you at the waitress and had a sip of his coffee.

“Gets better and better,” he sighed in contentment. Nothing could beat this place’s coffee,. “Hermione decided to give birth the muggle way,” he explained, “I made the mistake of leaving a book on childbirth out in the living-room and Draco read it.”

“So?” Xander shrugged, “I read one of those, there’s nothing horribly traumatic.”

“Not if you grew up muggle, no,” Harry conceded, “but if you grew up a snotty pureblood prince, you would do something like this:”

Harry widened his eyes as much as he could and clapped a hand over his mouth.

“Potter you cannot seriously allow your little friend to do this! They put things up there! Metal things! They might squash the baby’s head! It’s bad enough that Weasley is the father, the child doesn’t need further deformity.”

“He didn’t” Xander exclaimed, trying hard not to laugh.

“He did,” Harry nodded, “all last night and into the morning until he could check to make sure the baby wasn’t horribly deformed.”

Just then the blue door burst open and Spike stormed out.

“Harris!”

“Uh-oh,” Xander muttered, “He only calls me that when I’m in trouble.”

Suddenly there was a finger pointing right between his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me the littlest Red could have been damaged? Do you know what they put up there?” he demanded. “Things! Metal things!”

Xander looked at Harry.

“Just like that,” Harry said, “only a little more high-pitched.”

Spike shot him a dirty look.

“We’re going to check on her,” he stated.

Xander looked at Harry again.

“She’s two months old,” he pointed out.

“Now!” Spike snapped.

He grabbed hold of Xander and dragged him to the exit.

“See you next week!” Harry laughed, waving at him.




The End




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