It's kinda angsty, but I hope you like it. It's
a songfic based on the lyrics of 'Save Me' by Unwritten Law. I
heard this song and fell in love with it. :)
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: NC17
Notes: Songfic. Angst, angst, and did I mention it might be a
little angsty? Xander’s in a bad place, but can he get out
with help?
Disclaimer: Now I’m sure Joss wouldn’t approve of me
saying this, but he actually writes most of the Spike/Xander
fanfic out there. It’s true, I swear.
The lyrics and song, Save Me, is by Unwritten Law and they hold
all rights to it.
Feedback: Yes, please! Feed me!
Xander stepped out of his apartment into the narrow hallway.
Murky light made a weak attempt to push away the shadows and only
succeeded in cornering them and forcing them to slink along the
crooks out of people’s direct line of vision. The vague
darkness failed to conceal the trash and random abandoned objects
decorating the floor and walls and allowed only half of the closed
doors to be visible. Xander reached into his back pocket and
pulled out the thin leather wallet. Too thin, he lamented. He
counted out a few bills, decided it was enough, and pushed his
way through the door away from the echoes of fights and the
groans of sex filtering through the weak walls. Away from the
filth and into the sickeningly sweet possibility of momentary
reprieve.
Had a bad day
Don’t talk to me
Gonna ride this out
My little black heart breaks apart
With your big mouth
The door to the bar opened with a squeak that Xander
associated with old buildings and mice giving birth. The lighting
here was no better than that of his apartment building, but this
was accompanied by a dusty thickness and the penetrating smell of
alcohol. Dropping down on a stool that matched the squeak of the
door, Xander promptly ordered a beer but changed his mind and
asked for something stronger. The next hour passed in a haze that
was quickly becoming a familiar and a constant and he just
couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or not. He finally
felt a hand slide along his chest and he leaned back to allow
better access. A soft whisper in his ear that smelled like lilacs
and tequila told him that there was more fun to be had outside
and that it was sure he’d like to come. He blinked as a
decision he was only half thinking about seesawed until the sound
of a scream ripped through the fog and Xander snapped up and away
from the woman. Sliding out his wallet (how did it get this
thin?) he slapped the money on the counter and turned on his
heel. The semi-pleasant buzz failed to muffle the scolding
voices, but he’d found that it’s possible to let the
sounds of the physical world surround them and block them out. He
shoved the door that opened into the sunken bar, but also led
back to the world where colors were too harsh and lights too
bright. It squeaked.
And I’m sick of my sickness
Don’t touch me, you’ll get this
I’m useless, lazy, perverted
And you hate me
The click of the light switch echoed through the kitchen, and
that was just pathetic. The otherwise silence was almost
deafening and definitely depressing. Xander turned on the TV to
drown out some of it and slumped down on the couch, head on one
end and feet hanging off the other. The simulated laugh track
created a dull roar that he could focus on and focus over to push
away the things he didn’t want to think about far into a
box in a closet in his mind. A sharp pounding at his door caused
him to jump and almost fall off the couch.
“Xander!” Xander crossed him arm over his eyes as if
that would make the things he didn’t want to think about
leave his senses and his door. “I know you’re in
there.”
But the knocking didn’t cease and the baritone shouts
grated his mind like gravel. He finally swung his legs off the
couch and stood up too quick, earning him a stumble and almost a
fall. He staggered to the door and gripped the doorknob like a
vice. He fumbled with the lock and jerked it open. The person on
the other side of the door lowered his arm and stuffed it into
his pocket. Scraps of light landed on his hair, making it whiter
than ever, and sharpened the cheekbones to the edge of a
knife.
“Let me in.”
You can’t save me
You can’t change me
Well, I’m waiting for my wakeup call
And everything, everything’s my fault
He did, or course. Eventually, after the screaming and the
finger pointing he always let him in. From there the seconds
seemed to rush by like a waterfall, complete with noise. He
realized later that it was the blood roaring through his head
that added the soundtrack. His hair was grabbed and twisted to
the point of pain that felt so—so good. Xander gripped the
narrow shoulders and was sure he’d made a bruise that would
fade as he watched. Clothes disappeared with twisting and
pulling. He felt himself shoved down and his back connected with
a solid surface; it was beyond him to which it was. Cool skin
spanned above and he had to taste it and suck so the borrowed
blood pooled close to the surface. Nips and groans at his ear
encouraged him to pull the body further onto his. Quick, sure
fingers that would be at place on a guitar or piano slid down
between a crease and triggered an instant arch and plea mumbled
into the shock white hair. Probed, breached, and slicked he felt
the blunt head prod his entrance. He pushed backward forcefully
and the burning sensation ripped all reserves to threads. His
hands scuttled along the silky back, searching for purchase. He
felt himself pushed back and down harder as a vicious rocking
turned rougher and more erratic until it was left with an offbeat
and jagged rhythm. Electricity starting at his toes gathered in
the small of his back and slammed him with a force that created a
small place for him in the quiet sated darkness.
Went to the doctor
And I asked her to make this stop
Got medication
A new addiction
Fucking thanks a lot
Reality, or what was left of it for him, instantly, angrily
woke him. He could actually hear the rabbit-fast pounding of his
heart in his chest. He sat up and reached around, but stopped
when his hand landed on the still arm around his waist. Memory
and pain fought for the lead. Pain won by a photo finish. Xander
stood vertically with all the forces of gravity protesting. He
stepped ungainly over the body on the floor and slowly made his
way to the bathroom. His head throbbed with every strained breath
he pulled into his lungs, and the heavy taste of bile worried the
back of his throat. A flare of heat turned his vision soggy and
he barely had time to grip the sides of the toilet as he fell to
his knees and emptied whatever unfortunate occupants his stomach
accommodated. When the retching and following dry heaving ceased,
Xander fell back onto his butt wiping his eyes and trying to get
enough air. The next instant he was on his feet, hand in the
cabinet, clumsily knocking over bottles that fell off the shelf
and landed with rattles at his feet. His hand finally closed
around the one he’d been searching for and he pushed and
twisted off the childproof cap, tilting the bottle so that two
pills landed in his palm. Xander turned the faucet of the sink so
it blasted down and stuck his head under it. He gulped down the
pills then used the water to drench his hair and wipe traces of
sick off his lips and chin. He turned off the water and
straightened up, knowing better than to glance in the mirror and
be faced with his deathly pallor. Xander turned to see Spike
leaning against the doorway, arms crossed casually as the harsh
bathroom light created a soft milky shade on his very naked skin.
Xander watched the red tip of the cigarette in Spike’s
mouth glow. He wiped the vomit off his arm.“Those
things’ll kill you, you know.”
I had to relapse
I’m bad at rehabs, it ruins everything
So point your finger at the singer
He’s in the pharmacy
You can’t save me
You can’t change me
Well, I’m waiting for my wakeup call
And everything’s my fault
It was different this time, and he suspected it would
eventually come to this but he was never really sure if he would
hold out. It wasn’t too bad at first; just a diversion from
the idea when Xander wanted to go out and get smashed. The
diversion wasn’t the bad part (it always ended with sticky
quiet feelings and the novelty of waking up with a body in your
arms) but the lack of alcohol eventually began to create a
fission between rationality and obsession. But he didn’t
hit until the pills disappeared. He had opened the cabinet and
his heart hiccupped in his chest when rows of empty shelves
smirked at him. He remembered the world through a brief haze of
red and the next thing the echo of flesh hitting metal pierced
his brain. Blood eased out of a gash on Spike’s temple with
increasing severity. Xander stumbled back and tripped over the
couch, white visible all around his pupils. For a moment of
clarity he realized that history does indeed repeat itself, then
his mind was shattered in terror as he watched Spike struggling
to right himself. Xander didn’t return to his apartment for
two days. On the third he had been welcomed with opened arms and
opened pants and he tried not to notice the flinches. But Xander
now knew the feeling of control and his nature was an addictive
one. He found this discovery as potent as any drug.
Went to heaven, but couldn’t get it
For what I have done
I said “Please take me”
They said “You’re crazy,
You had too much fun”
You can’t save me
You can’t change me
Well, I’m waiting for my wakeup call
And everything’s my fault
While mopping up the blood of the man (because that’s
what he really is) you’ve shared you bed, house, and pain
with for three months isn’t exactly the conventional place
for an epiphany, Xander had one all the same. He didn’t
like it, he realized. He didn’t like to be the one supplying
the pain. He didn’t like being drunk and drugged out of his
mind and body. He didn’t like being deader than the vampire
he lived with. Armed with this amazing knowledge and a clear mind
for the first time in years, Xander reached a milestone in his
healing. He could change. A step towards the door and a leap
towards hope, Xander looked forward to Spike returning home for
the first time in his life.
You can’t save me
You can’t change me
Well, I’m waiting here to take a fall
And everything, everything’s my fault
You can’t save me
You can’t change me
You can’t save me
You can’t change me
You can’t save me
You can’t change me
But maybe I can.