I Love My Penis

Kyrieane and Druffine

“Button, button, who’s got the button?”

“Spike, it’s…3:32 a.m. I’ve only been asleep for two hours. I have a hyper vampire bouncing on my stomach. Somebody better be dead.”

“I’m dead, pet, but that’s not the point.”

“So enlighten me, o fangless one. What is the point?”

“Anya came by m’ crypt. Gave me a little box of your stuff, asked me to give it to you.”


“Yeah, whelp. Don’t know what you did to piss her off…”

“We had a fight about her inappropriate comments about my…ah…thing. In public.”


“Get off me Spike.”

“What’s a ‘thing’?”

“You know, my, ah, Xander Jr.”

“Oi! Harris, if you can’t say it, you cant play with it.”

“I need a beer.”

“C’mon, boy. Say it…. Penis…. Cock…. Tally…. Schlong…. Lots of pretty little names.”

“Get off! I can say it, just not in mixed company.”


“Yeah, human with very little self-respect here, evil undead who will hold any and all secrets over my head for the rest of my life still bouncing on my stomach!”

“There was a cute little button in the box…. Says ‘I love my penis.’ Now why would Anya have something like that?”

“Spike, I gotta piss. GET OFF! That’s what the fight was about.”

“Not moving till you say it, Harris.”

“Oh for the love of…. Fine…. Penis. There, ya happy?”

“Fine, I just want to know why.”

“Why what, Spike. Gotta be a little more specific that that.”

“Why do you love your penis?”

“I am not having this conversation. I refuse to have this conversation.”

“Isn’t this the kind of things you manly men chat about on the construction site?”

“Gah! Damn it Spike. No, we do not sit around having chats about the merits of our dicks.”

“There, see, that wasn’t so bad, now was it?”

“Was what? Gonna make some coffee. Need something.”

“You said dick…hey, what’s with the light?”

“I need the light on to make the coffee, idiot.”

“Got any blood?”

“No. No blood. None that you can have anyway.”

“Why, you savin it for another evil undead?”

“No, I’m saving it for me!”

“Right then, just coffee.”

“Are you going to go away anytime soon?”

“Nope. Why do you love your penis? Extra sugar in mine, ta luv.”

“I cannot believe I am having this conversation. Fine. Why I love my penis, by Alexander Harris. Because it’s always there, always rises to the occasion. Always comes when I do. And I would really miss peeing standing up if it ever went away. Happy now? Hey! What the hell do you think you are doing?”

“Just want to see what all the fuss is about.”

“Fuss? What fuuuuuuuuuuuck…”


“Spike…oh…stop! That’s…. Oh…. Cool…”

“Shh, love. Just let me…”

“Fuck, how do you…. Ohhhh…”

“Don’t need to breathe pet. Now shut up.”

“Oh…yeah…. God, you can suck…yeah…. Nibbling is good too…. Wow…. Oh wow…can your tongue really do that?…. Ah…. Don’t stop…. Don’t…eep! Spike! Your finger is in…. In my…oh God…. Coming…. Coming now…AHHHHHHHHHH!”

“C’mon pet. You can’t sleep on the floor. Get a right crick in your neck.”

“I can’t move.”

“Lets get you to bed, luv. Lets see what other treasures are hiding there.”



“Do you love your penis?”

The End

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Kyrieane and Druffine

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