Written for noel_of_spike and grown from bunnies bred by my fabulously helpful flist… starfallvaltash suggested a Spander Twelve Days of Christmas with a ‘secret Santa’ type thingy. I missed the mark a bit, as I tend to do.
Betaed by laazikaat
The Twelve Days of Christmas Wish Book
This booklet entitles the bearer to redeem one coupon per day until January 6th.
Not redeemable for cash. Non-transferrable.
Dear Bloody Irritating Brat,
A bet is a bet and you were right. There were 12 days of Xmas, not 14 and I’m a vamp of my word so here’s everything you asked for, all 12 ‘special gifts’ . But if any of this gets out, I will bite you- and not in a place where you’ll get off on it either. Don’t think I won’t, just cause I happen to love you.
This coupon entitles the bearer to one: evening with Red and “A Charlie Brown Christmas”. I promise not to piss myself laughing at your Snoopy dance. And I understand that if I do, Red may well shrink certain body parts of mine.
This coupon entitles the bearer to one: chauffeured trip to the sales so you can buy more bloody sci-fi DVDs. God help you if I have to watch them as well though.
This coupon entitles the bearer to one: full body massage. With oil. Ah, pet, you do understand that this is not going to be a hardship for me right?
This coupon entitles the bearer to one: opportunity to colour my hair, any colour of your choice. But dammit, Harris, I will not leave the apartment, and I will bleach it back again at the stroke of midnight.
This coupon entitles the bearer to one: lap dance (and if you laugh I will kill you several times over before the breath even leaves your lungs)
This coupon entitles the bearer to one: New Years Eve party at the Magic Box, with those bloody Scoobies, without bitching at that stuck up bitch the slayer. Oh, and if I fail I have to take the bloody stupid bint shoe shopping. You are a hard man, Harris.
This coupon entitles the bearer to one: extra long New Years shag, after we leave the Magic Box. Again, not a big ask, you silly git, you’re supposed to pick things I wouldn’t normally enjoy.
This coupon entitles the bearer to one: road trip, at the wheel of the De Soto. But if you scratch her, I will have your guts for garters. And we are not driving to see the World’s biggest…anything.
This coupon entitles the bearer to one: Bollywood-fest with popcorn. If you try to make me do the bloody ‘pat the dog’ and ‘change the light bulb’ dance we will have a problem. Most likely with your mortality.
This coupon entitles the bearer to one: question and an honest answer. About anything. Including, but not limited to, the brooding wonder and ‘that one time’. Just remember though, if you don’t like the answer, you asked.
This coupon entitles the bearer to one: date of your choice. Yes, a real date. Yes, with movies and dinner and holding hands. But I draw the line at flowers. Poof. No, I won’t make you ‘put out’, but you probably will anyway, has anyone ever told you how easy you are? And yes, I promise I won’t try to skive off.
This coupon entitles the bearer to one:minute to plead the case for me buying you a puppy. During that one minute I promise not to make any remarks about asking Clem for recipes. I will not muse on how delicious an idea a pet sounds. I will not scowl or smirk but will listen with
feigned real interest. That’s as good as it gets, love.
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