Written for the August Nekid Profile and x-posted to nekid_spike

Nekid profile: Giles


Transcript of phone interview

Name: Rupert Giles. No Xander they do not want nicknames…no you may not phone them back later with your top ten.

Occupation: Currently I am between positions.  Thankyou Spike, but I am not an unemployed, washed-up has-been.

Age: I do believe I am maturing quite well for a late forty something. A road map? Anya, I do not have a face like a road map, now really, that was quite uncalled for.

Zodiac: Ah yes. Now are you referring to the standard Western zodiac or the traditional-. Buffy how am I expected to answer their questions if- yes, yes, I understand that but- oh for heaven’s sake. Capricorn apparently.

Fave Hangout(s): Contrary to what you may hear in the background, I do not ‘get my rocks off’ by loitering in the stacks.

Talent(s): I am fluent in several languages, competent with a range of weapons and -excuse me while I read this note from Willow- I am able to single handedly put people to sleep using only the power of my polysyllabic words. Oh yes, thankyou Willow, how very droll. Yes Anya, you are correct, sarcasm is polysyllabic.

Three things you can't live without:  Foremost is my glasses. Were I to have contact lenses, I would have no way to avoid seeing the many, many things I desperately wish to avoid on a near daily basis. Perhaps the large bottle of brandy I have hidden in my- Ah, Spike, if only you were that attentive during research. The third thing? Perhaps the lengths of chain I keep in the bathroom cabinet in case of emergencies. For example, should an intruder appear in my house in search of, oh , let’s say, alcohol? Said intruder may well find themselves chained to an impressively sturdy, yet hard and cold, porcelain bathroom fixture.

What is the sweetest thing a guy/girl has done for you?  Spike! I’ll thank you not to speak of Olivia or Ethan in such a way. And I do believe the question was ‘sweetest’ not ‘most pornographic’. Have you no morals? Yes I do suppose it was a rather stupid question Xander.
The most daredevil thing you've ever done? Perhaps more foolhardy than daredevil was summoning Eygh-. Will you people stop passing me notes. Using a teabag instead of the messy sprinkley kind. Oh for goodness sake Buffy, do you really think so little of me? Yes Willow, perhaps it would be best were she not to answer that.

Your biggest mistake: My biggest mistake was agreeing to this blasted interview whilst having my personal space invaded by a horde of ill-mannered youth. And yes, in that I include the entirely too-forward and overly familiar current and ex-demons.

One thing you’re glad you’ve outgrown: Without a doubt, that would be my rebellious youth stage. My what? Xander I will have you know I never wore tweed diapers, you are being deliberately provocative now.

Who would play you in a movie about your life? Obviously someone rakishly handsome with a devilish streak of mischievous good humour and he should be able to hold a tune. I imagine that John Barrowman would be the closest match. Oh do stop laughing children I am aware that he is gay. And from what I’ve read on that infernal internet Spike, you have done your fair share of experimentation, and from the pictures I have seen, you would do well to stop giggling also Xander.

Something you've always wondered: And a mystery I ponder at this very second. “Why me?”

If you were a product, how would your advertising campaign read?
“If there’s something strange, in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call-.” What is it now? Oh, surely you aren’t the only ones who can make pop culture references? Well I thought it was amusing.

I do believe it is time for you all to leave. Yes immediately. You have well and truly worn out your welcome, why don’t you all go and patrol, I’m sure there are many demons out there who will find your insults humorous. Anya there is no stick in my-. Spike you will return that brandy to the cabinet before you leave. Will you people leave my house!

*call disconnects*

The End

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