Disclaimer: Do I really have to go through with this *every* time? ::sigh::
Notes: As you can see, it's all Jessie's fault...
Warning: Do not read if you *ever* want to look at "Hansel and Gretel" as an innocent children's story ever again. Really. I'm serious. Oh, and incest. I guess. Sort of.
A Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, there was an old woodcutter who had two children, Spike and Xander.
The old woodcutter, whose name was Giles, was also the unfortunate guardian of an annoying little blonde bitch named Buffy. He seemed to think the world of her, though, and in his eyes, she could do no wrong.
One day, Buffy was going through the cupboards, when she noticed how little food there was in the house. She pouted in what she thought was a cute manner, although Xander and Spike were both of the opinion that it made her look constipated.
Actually, neither Spike nor Xander cared much for Buffy, and were constantly thinking up ways to annoy her. So, Buffy at last hit upon a means for revenge.
Later that afternoon, when Giles returned from his daily chopping of trees, Buffy sauntered up to him. She batted her eyelashes and pouted at him. "Giles," she purred, "we're all out of food...again."
"Oh," said Giles tiredly as he let his load of wood tumble to the ground. "Well, I suppose I could go to the village and buy something for us."
Buffy shook her head and pouted even more. "We haven't any money," she explained in a tiny, pathetic voice.
Giles frowned. "But I *know* I had some put away in the cupboard. Are you *sure* there's nothing there?"
Buffy nodded. "I thought you has some saved, too. But I checked, and it was gone!" She plastered on a mournful expression. "I...I think the boys may have taken it. I saw them hiding something the other day, but...I would *never* have suspected them of being thieves!" (Dramatic, no?)
Giles, however, didn't want to believe this of his children. But he couldn't believe that Buffy would lie to him, either. He was so confused!
Buffy wasn't finished yet, though. "Besides," she added, "Those boys eat too much, anyway. Why, if we could just not worry about feeding them for a few days, we'd be *so* much better off!"
Poor Giles. He didn't know what he was to do. They had no food, no money, and no way to get any fast enough to feed all of them. He gazed sadly at his precious Buffy. "What...what do you want me to do? What can I do?"
Buffy let her eyes widen dramatically. "Why," she said, ever so logically, "the boys are old enough to take care of themselves for a while. Why don't you send them out on a...camping trip! And...they can maybe find new places for you to cut wood, and it will give us all a chance to...regroup." She smiled charmingly.
Giles beamed, patting her on the shoulder proudly. "I knew you would think of something," he exclaimed. "You're absolutely right! I've taught the boys everything I know about woodcraft, and I bet they'd just love the chance to get away from the house for a bit."
Buffy tried to hide her glee at Giles' agreement. "I know the perfect place," she said slyly. "I'll just tell them to get ready.
Giles looked surprised. "Tonight? Isn't it a little late?"
Buffy shrugged. "I just know they'll be *so* excited, they won't want to wait until morning."
Reluctantly, Giles nodded his assent. He watched as Buffy skipped happily away, then started stacking the wood he'd chopped up against the cottage.
Buffy quickly found the boys; as she'd expected, they were in a nearby clearing, play-fighting with wooden sticks that were meant to be swords. She cleared her throat loudly.
Spike and Xander turned to look at her.
"Giles thinks you should go on a camping trip," she announced firmly. "You have to leave tonight, he wants a little peace around the place.
Spike glared at her suspiciously. "Why should we go camping? What if we don't wanna?"
But Xander tugged at his sleeve. "Spiiike," he said in a pleading voice. "*I* wanna go camping. It'll be fun!" He licked his lips and glanced at Spike coyly.
Spike blinked, then grinned. "Ok, we'll go," he agreed quickly. (Incest is best...::cough:: where was I again?)
Buffy could barely keep from laughing with malicious glee. Instead, she gave them a mothering smile. Spike and Xander, however, simply assumed she had gas again, and ignored the expression. Although they did back up a few steps.
"Go get you things," she ordered, and watched as the boys raced back to the cottage.
They quickly returned, packs in hand. Buffy led them into the forest at a brisk pace, smoothly leading them away from their usual path. After a while, she halted. "It's through there," she told them, pointing across the shadowy meadow toward a tiny opening in the brush. "There's a brook, and a cave big enough to camp in."
She watched in glee as Spike and Xander scampered off, not once looking back. With a soft, delighted laugh, she turned and quickly retraced her steps back to the cottage before she forgot the winding path she'd taken to get the boys here.
Spike and Xander scrambled through the brush, then halted. They looked around in confusion.
"I don't see a cave...or a brook," Xander complained.
Spike pouted. On him, it looked absolutely delicious. Unfortunately, it had gotten too dark for Xander to see it properly, and so he didn't immediately jump his brother. (What can I say? The two have a *very* close relationship...)
Now, Spike was pouting, and was getting a bit miffed when this wasn't met with the usual pounce-and-grope session. So he spoke up petulantly, "Maybe it's a bit farther on."
Xander brightened and, grabbing hold of Spike's hand, plunged deeper into the leafy undergrowth.
And so the two continued for a while, until it was too dark to see much, and they were totally, hopelessly lost.
Finally, they managed to stumble onto a small, moonlight clearing. Xander plopped to the ground, his lip quivering. "I think we're lost," he told Spike tearfully.
Spike sat beside Xander, patting his hair comfortingly. "Don't worry, luv. I'll take care of you. Won't let any of the nasties get you. Things'll look better in the morning."
"You sure?" Xander sniffled again, snuggling up against Spike.
"Positive," Spike replied firmly. "Bet we just got a bit turned around. We'll find our way in no time once it's daylight."
"Ok." Xander sighed and wrapped his arms around Spike, laying his head trustingly against his brother's chest.
Spike wiggled, gathering Xander closer. He lightly kissed the top of the other boy's head.
Xander giggled, tilting his head up. "I know what *you're* thinking!" he sang playfully.
"Yeah?" Spike leered. "Whatcha gonna do about it then?"
Xander smiled broadly, then shoved Spike to the ground. He pounced on top of him, grinding himself down onto Spike's lean body.
Spike groaned, then fumbled between them for the fastenings of their pants. With the ease of *much* practice -- we are talking about horny teenagers after all -- he soon had their, um, sensitive parts exposed to the cool night air.
"Oh, Spike!" Xander gasped, arching his back as he felt his brother's fingers close around them both. Frantically, he began pumping his hips, moaning as Spike caressed them firmly.
"Yeah, do it luv," Spike breathed. "Rub yourself off on me." He used his free hand to tug Xander's head down, crushing their lips together in a passionate, and certainly not brotherly considering the amount of tongue involved, kiss.
Xander kissed back eagerly, sucking and nibbling on Spike's invading tongue. The deep, probing kiss muffled their moans, and they continued to grind against each other for endless minutes.
All too soon, though, came the inevitable moment when they could no longer hold back, and they came with hoarse screams, shuddering as they held tight to each other.
Sighing contentedly, they settled into a close embrace, not even bothering to clean off. Soon, soft snores filled the silence of the meadow, as the brothers dropped off into a deep sleep.
Morning eventually came, as it always does, and Spike and Xander woke up, yawing and stretching. Then cursing as they peeled themselves apart, yelping occasionally as...certain parts came unglued.
Xander scratched at the dried bits of...well, you know...on his, um, stomach. He pouted, looking just as adorable as Spike did with the same expression, and rubbed at his stomach when it growled unpleasantly. "I'm hungry," he declared.
Spike nodded, scratching at himself as well. "And dirty. Guess we should get a move on, huh?"
"Yup." Xander nodded, then leaned over to steal a kiss.
Spike was quick to steal it back, and a few more minutes were squandered away as the boys engaged in another bout of boyish passion. Of course, at the end of this, they were both even hungrier, and *considerably* dirtier.
Eventually, though, they managed to stand and refasten their clothing in a slightly more appropriate fashion. They looked around.
Spike pointed in an arbitrary direction. "That way," he said with authority, and Xander gamely followed him.
The sun was high in the sky, and both boys were getting irritated by the lack of food as their tummies gurgled unpleasantly.
Then Xander stopped in his tracks, sniffing the air. "I smell food!" he gasped.
Spike sniffed as well, and a smile lit up his face. "Smells like..."
"Chocolate." Both boys breathed the word reverently. Hands clutched tightly together, they raced off toward the tantalizing scent.
They halted in awe outside the small building. It looked like a regular cottage, but there, lined up on the windowsill, were a dozen *huge* bars of chocolate.
As one, they raced toward the sweets, each grabbing a bar and stuffing chunks into their mouths.
"Oh, bloody hell!" came the annoyed shout from behind them.
They spun around guiltily, hiding the chocolate behind their backs.
The tall, thin man glared at them, then heaved a sigh. "Well, you've done it now," he told them. "Do you know what those were?"
Xander shook his head and mumbled, "We thought it was just chocolate. And we were *so* hungry." He sniffled and turned his patented puppy-dog look on the unsuspecting man.
Spike saw it and fought the urge to jump Xander then and there. After all, they'd been raised proper...no shagging in front of strangers. "Who are you, anyway," he demanded. "An' what is this if it ain't chocolate?"
The man, saved from a state of mush caused by the intensity of Xander's look, bowed. "Ethan, wizard extraordinaire, at your service. And *that*, my dear boys, is my very own, patented and *highly* secret, batch of magic chocolate." He puffed up proudly.
Spike examined the ordinary looking chocolate. "What's so magic about it?"
Ethan sniffed. "It removes inhibitions," he explained, "making whoever eats it revert to a highly juvenile state in which they have no compunctions at all about behaving in an unsuitable manner." He eyed the two, adding, "It should probably be kicking in any minute now."
Spike looked at Xander. Xander looked at Spike. They both looked down at themselves, then back at Ethan, shrugging.
"Feel the same, mate," Spike told him, and resumed his consumption of the candy.
"Ditto," Xander supplied helpfully, and followed suit.
Ethan looked positively crushed. "Well, bother," he muttered sullenly. "I don't suppose it would work to well on you lads. Young men never seen to have much in the way of inhibitions anyway." He sighed heavily.
Xander shrugged. "Sorry," he mumbled through his mouthful.
Ethan waved a hand. "Oh, no matter." He brightened. "It still works fine on adults. Now," he fixed a stern look on the two trespassers. "Where did you boys come from?"
Spike licked his fingers as he finished his chocolate. "Got lost," he explained. "Our bitch of a foster sister ditched us in the woods last night, and we couldn't find our way back home."
Xander nodded. "She's mean," he told Ethan. "I don't know why Dad doesn't marry her off or something. We'd be *tons* happier without her."
"Well, how frightfully rude of her." Ethan walked to the door, opening it and going inside. "You'd best come in," he called behind him. "I'm sure I can scrounge up something suitable for lunch."
They boys followed him inside, seating themselves at the table. They wasted no time eating the food set in front of them, and Ethan watched in amusement.
Stuffed, Spike shoved his plate away. He eyed Ethan suspiciously. "Y'know," he said, "I always thought you wizard types were s'posed t'be evil. Aren't you gonna try an' eat us or something?"
Ethan sat back, shocked. "My word, no!" he exclaimed. "You're *much* too young for my tastes! I prefer older, more...experienced men for my...meals." His eyes twinkled suggestively.
Xander giggled. "I like young meat, myself," he confided, licking his lips as he stared in the direction of Spike's crotch.
Spike growled and slid out of his chair, stalking around the table to plant himself in Xander's lap. He figured it was ok now to snog a bit, since they'd been introduced to Ethan proper enough.
Ethan watched the boys in amusement, fondly recalling his younger days when he'd gotten a bit...frisky...with the boy next door. When things looked to be getting a little too intense, though, he cleared his throat.
Dazed, the boys turned to him, panting harshly.
With some regret at having interrupted the scene, Ethan said, "If you tell me who your father is, I'm sure I can manage to get you home. I know where just about everyone lives in these parts."
Before the boys could respond, though, there was a loud pounding at the door.
Ethan was stunned. He *never* got visitors, and now, so many in one day! He walked over to the door and opened it.
He stepped back in shock.
"Ethan! You have to help me! I know you can find them...they're lost They could be hurt!"
Ethan backed up. "Ripper?" He fought for breath, unable to believe that this man was standing in front of him.
"Daddy!" Twin shouts resounded, and Spike and Xander flung themselves from their shared seat and rushed the man, hugging him tightly.
"Spike! Xander! Oh, I thought I'd never see you again!" Giles held his sons tight, tears of joy streaming down his face.
Ethan watched the reunion, fumbling for a chair and dropping into it as he continued to stare at Giles.
"Oh Daddy, it was dark, and we couldn't get home, and Spike was *so* scared!" Xander told his father. "But then we found Ethan, and he was *so* nice, and he fed us, and Daddy? Why is Ethan staring at you like that?"
Giles gently set his sons aside, stumbling across the floor to kneel in front of Ethan. "Oh, Ethan," he whispered sadly. "Have I hurt you so terribly?"
Ethan sniffled quietly, absently plucking lint off his shirt. He shrugged. "You loved Jenny," he answered miserably.
"I loved you, too," Giles retorted. "But when Jenny...died....well, you had already left to become a wizard, and by the time you came back, I thought it was too late. And you never came to visit....I thought you hated me."
Ethan gave a bitter laugh. "I could never hate you," he told Giles. "You...you were the only person I ever loved."
Spike and Xander let out soft 'awwwww's as they watched their father leaned forward and gently kiss Ethan.
Then, not particularly wanting to see his father start shagging the wizard in front of them, (they are innocent, impressionable young boys, after all!), Spike cleared his throat. "How did you find us, Dad?"
Flushing, Giles broke away from Ethan, although they continued to hold hands. "I didn't know you'd be here," he answered. "I though Ethan could help me find you." His face darkened. "After I found out what Buffy had done, I knew I had to come looking for you. I would have done *anything* to get you back."
Xander frowned. "What did she do? Besides be her usual bitchy self?"
"She accused you of stealing all our money, and eating all our food. Then suggested you go on a 'camping trip' to give everyone time to recuperate. Late last night, I found her hidden away in the barn, having a nice little meal and counting a pile of gold."
Spike gasped dramatically.
"That's not all. I confronted her, and found out she'd taken you deep into the forest near a wolf's den. And abandoned you." A tear trickled down his face. "I was so terrified that I'd be too late."
Xander let out a horrified squeak, and burrowed into Spike's arms.
Ethan let out a laugh, and Giles glared at him. "It's not funny," he told him. "My boys could have been killed!"
"Oh, hardly!" Ethan informed them. "There's no wolf living there. That's just Oz. Sure, he's a *were*wolf, but you only have to worry about that on full moons. The rest of the month, he lives with his boyfriend Lindsey. They have a house just outside of town."
They all breathed a sigh of relief.
"So, what did you do with Buffy?" Spike asked, curious about their foster sister's standing now.
"Well, I was going to drag her along with me, but she was making a bloody spectacle of herself." Giles shrugged. "Then, some gentleman named Angelus came along, took one look at her, and offered to take her off my hands. He gave me a lovely emerald necklace...who was I to argue?" He smirked.
Everyone laughed heartily over this.
"Are we gonna go home, now?" Xander asked his father.
Giles eyed Ethan. "I...think we can stay...for a while..."
Ethan grinned. "Ripper, would you care for some of my homemade chocolate?"
"I'd love some," Giles answered in a husky voice.
Wide-eyed, Spike and Xander backed out of the cottage. Giggling, they pushed each other to the ground and set out to prove that young lads most certainly did *not* need inhibition-lowering chocolate to...well, *you* know.
And they all lived (and shagged) happily ever after.
Well, except Buffy. See, it seems that Angelus was a vicious little bugger who took great delight in torturing young girls before thoroughly bedding them. Then, once he'd grown bored, he sold them off to slavers from the Far East, who promptly put them to work in brothels. So no, Buffy didn't live, or shag, happily ever after.
But the guys did. And that's all that matters.
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