Summary: Spike tries to make a connection, it just seems like all the lines are down. Written for the Feb Special Banner Challenge at buffy_and_then
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Spike (others mentioned)
Season(s): Human AU, total comedy/fluff
Warnings: m/m mentioned/implied
Word count: 841
Disclaimer: Joss owns all.
Beta'd by: spikeslovebite
Spike stared at the small TV screen, tapping his fingers in agitation as tape #216 rewound. Once the loud screech of halted gears let him know the video had finished, he ejected and put in the next tape from the dwindling pile. Only three left. Blue static fizzed and popped before a perky blond filled the screen.
Spike checked her stats.
Personal Shopping Assistant
Status: Engaged 4 times
Hmmm, nice tits. This one has potential, he thought to himself as he settled back to listen to the girl tell about herself.
“Hi! I’m Harmony. I work as a personal shopping assistant. I love clothes! As a professional, any man that I date must dressed appropriately at all times. Color coordination is a must! You wouldn’t believe the guys who have showed up for a date wearing completely wrong outfits for their skin tone.” The girl huffed in annoyance, flipping back a lock of hair. “I mean, is it my fault they clashed with my dress? The only thing I could do was send them home to change but…so far only one has ever come back,” she added, looking confused.
Spike wearily hit the stop and then rewind buttons. Another loser, he sighed. He contemplated not even watching the last two, but conceded that he had made it this far, he might as well finish. Exchanging the tapes, he waited for a moment before a dark beauty appeared. He sat up in the chair, waiting for the gorgeous woman to speak. She was serene, where the previous applicant had been bubbly and childlike. He glanced down when her information.
Guide to the Stars, self-proclaimed
Okay, he thought. Guide to the Stars? She must work in Hollywood.
“My name is Drusilla, but my daddy calls me his dark princess,” she began dreamily. “I talk to the stars. Daddy calls it a gift, but the nasty people say that it’s a curse…an abomination. Daddy says that someday I’ll find someone who will love me, even my insides. The parts you can't see.” She nodded wisely. “Do you want to love my insides?” she asked, staring straight at the camera.
“Oh, bloody hell!” Spike spat, the remote still pointing at the VCR where he had frozen the screen with the creepy woman still staring right at him. “Don’t they screen these people?” He grabbed the tape from the machine and hurriedly stuck it back in its case. He glared at the last tape, wondering what horror awaited him within its recorded contents. Jamming it in, he closed his eyes and rested his head back on the chair as he waited for the last potential date to start talking.
Fitness Center Instructor
Status: Never been married
“Um, hi!,” a voice called out hesitantly. “I’m Buffy. I’m, uh, not sure what all to say. I’m a personal fitness instructor at one of the local gyms. I’ve never been married.”
Spike perked up. Blonde, pretty, seemingly not crazy. Maybe this wasn’t a waste after all.
“I have been in one serious relationship. I thought that it was the forever kinda thing, but obviously it wasn’t,” she added bitterly. “We went out for a long time before we…ya know,” she shrugged shakily. “But then afterward, he just changed totally. He said some horrible things to me the next morning. I just couldn’t believe it!” She burst into noisy tears. “I thought he loved me, but all he could say was how I wasn’t worth a second go! A second go! Can you believe that?” A disembodied hand passed her a handful of tissues and she loudly blew her nose. “Thank you,” she sobbed.
Spike turned away in disgust and resignation. He let his head bang repeatedly on the table as the girl continued to weep.
An assistant poked her head through the door. “How are things going, Mr. Pratt? Did you get your choices narrowed down?”
“Actually, pet, I have. Down to zero,” he said letting his head drop once more. The pain was doing little to distract him from the mind-numbing hours he’d spent watching videos.
“I'm so sorry. Could I make a suggestion?” she asked hesitantly.
“Would you like to view the men’s tapes? We’ve decided to branch out and embrace all sexual orientations. We have a nice selection of men who are either bi or gay. Not that I want to imply anything,” she added hastily. “But in your interview, you expressed that you were very…open.”
Spike sighed as he raised his head. He thought of the torture he’d just been forced to endure and wondered if he could do it all over again. “Any cute ones?” he asked cautiously.
“Oh, my, yes! Let’s see…there’s one named Xander that seems like an absolute sweetie. Then there’s Angel, who gives new meaning to the phrase tall, dark, and handsome. We also have a sexy cowboy named Lindsey and a totally adorable bookish fellow named Wesley.” The assistant smiled brightly.
“Right, luv. Bring ‘em on!”
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