PAIRING: Spike/Xander
RATING: R
FEEDBACK: I wouldn't mind knowing if the twisted inner workings of my mind actually made sense to anybody else.
SUMMARY: A little taste of Spike and Xander's afterlife.
SPOILERS: None
DISTRIBUTION: List archives. Anywhere else, if you want it you got it. Just let me know so I can sit and stare in awe.
DISCLAIMER: They are all mine and I'm making a fortune from this. Yeah, I wish!
DEDICATION: To my fellow founding Dead Xanderites, Jen and Mod. You guys actually make continually killing off Xander lots of fun.



Visiting Hours


by
Karen


"Hey, Xan." Xander saw Spike float up into view, then moved aside to make room for Spike to sit down beside him.

"Hi, Spike. Good day at the office?" A standard question and a running joke between them, not that it was really funny any more, after all these years.

Xander could barely contain his excitement at seeing Spike again. He hated having to wait a week in order to talk to his husband. Xander felt like he was in hospital or jail, having to wait for visiting hours to come around.

"Ha bloody ha mate," Spike flopped down beside Xander, looking miserable. Xander knew that Spike hated his job. His boss was a nightmare, taking a perverse delight in harassing and humiliating him.

"What did he do now?"

"He only sent me to the bloody 16th dimension again. Wanker!"

"Not the Slime Pits of Dregnor?" Spike's boss loved to give him all the worst assignments. The Slime Pits of Dregnor in the 16th dimension, were infamous. The slime actually wasn't so bad once you got used to the smell. No, the worst part was the race of demons that resided there. They were very small, no bigger than your hand, but they loved to do things with their bodily excretions that most people don't like to discuss in polite company.

"The bastard does it to me on purpose, I swear. He saves up all the worst jobs, just so he can have the satisfaction of giving them to me."

"I'm sorry Spikey." Xander put on his best sympathetic face. "But he's not the master of Hell because he's a big fluffy pussy cat, you know? Just forget about him, he's not worth the aggravation. I mean, what kind of name is Satan anyway?"

"Soddin' stupid name." Spike said through his pout.

"Too right. Or Lucifer? Sounds like a girl's name. The man can't even stick to one name, who does he think he is, The Demon formerly known as the Prince of Darkness, or something?"

"Don't forget Beelzebub...or The Devil."

"Right! Exactly. I mean Beelzebub, what kind of name is that? That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts."

"Actually pet, it kinda does."

"Yeah, I know. But I'm trying to make you feel better here, ya wanna play along?"

"Oh right! Yeah pet, nobody's scared of that name. The guy's just a big red freak. How's that?"

"Much better!"

Spike chuckled at Xander's attempts to cheer him up, but it didn't last long. Spike's shoulders slumped, and a frown once again marred his handsome face.

"Is there something else wrong?"

"Yeah, well...they kinda found out."

"Who found out what?"

"The guys at work, they sorta foundouthowIdied." Spike rushed the last part, knowing the reaction he was going to get.

As he predicted, Xander immediately fell back in a fit of giggles. Spike let out a long-suffering sigh and folded his arms together in a huff. "Fine! Laugh at my pain, I don't care."

Xander did his best to quash his laughter. "I'm sorry Spike. So how did they" *snicker* "find out?"

"It was Him again, I'll bet you. The bastard will to anything to humiliate me."

"Oh, come on. It's not that bad. So we were both simultaneously skewered through the heart by a Kenruck demon. That's not embarrassing," *snort* "is it?"

"That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it."

"I know, but it still can't be that bad."

"Not for you maybe, but it was bloody embarrassing for me. I was a master vampire for Hell's sake. If I had to die, it should have been while fighting the Slayer or something, not doing that. I have a reputation to uphold."

"I thought you would have been quite happy to die having sex?"

"Yeah, maybe if I was screwing you into the mattress. It's not quite as dignified if I die with your dick up my arse, up against an alley wall with my legs wrapped round you, like a bloody chit."

"Yeah, but it was fun though." Xander sighed, his eyes glazing over slightly, staring off into space.

"Even that, I think I could live with... or not, but you just had to go a step further didn't you?"

"Oh, you are so not blaming this on me. You were as into it as I was, or you wouldn't have done it. It was dark, and we were only in the alley next to the apartment. How was I supposed to know anyone would see us, let alone a demon? You were the one who pissed him off earlier by stealing his bottle of Jack Daniels."

"So, now it's my fault. I wasn't the one to suggest our little fantasy night was I? I wasn't the one who suggested we could dress up a bit and try role-playing. I wasn't the one who thought pretending to be Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in Pretty Women would be fun, and I certainly wasn't the one who got to be Richard Gere."

"But Spike, you looked so good in stockings and high heels." Xander once again erupted into a fit uncontrollable laughter.

"I went on a soul collecting assignment the other day, and I came back to find the guys had decorated my cubicle with all this...female stuff."

"Female stuff?" Xander asked through the giggling.

"You know, compacts, lipsticks, pantyhose, a couple of bras, some sanitary towels and tampons..." Spike trailed off at the end, barely able to keep his own face straight, Xander's laughter becoming infectious.

"They even left a pregnancy test." Spike couldn't keep control any longer and his own deep rumbling laughter now filled the air.

Xander's amusement only grew more intense now that Spike had joined in.

"All I can say is, thank God you don't have to spend eternity in the clothes you die in."

"Amen to that."

The laughter slowly died down as they managed to gain a measure of control over themselves again.

"Speaking of the Big Guy, how's he treating you?"

"The same I guess. Oh, I asked him about our petition for conjugal visits again."

"And?" Spike asked with a hopeful half smile.

"Still no go." Spike's features dropped again. "He still said he would only review it after the one hundreth anniversary of our deaths. That's the rule."

"Bloody stupid rule," Spike muttered under his breath. "How long has it been so far?"

"Ummm, fifty-five years in November. At least we're over half way there," Xander said, trying to find the bright side.

"Fuck! I don't know if I can wait another forty-five bloody years 'til I can touch you again." Spike voice was low and husky. He reached his hand out and left it hovering over Xander's cheek. They both slowly started to lean forward towards each other. "I miss the feel of your warm body under mine..." The rest of Spike's words were muffled as their lips met in a hungry, passionate kiss.

CRASH BOOM

The two men flew apart in fright as the lightening bolt struck mere feet from where they were sitting.

"Oh come on! It was only a little kiss. Give a randy bloke a break." Spike shouted up in the air at nothing.

"This all-knowing, all-seeing thing He has is a real bitch sometimes, huh?"

"Don't know why I can't even touch you. It's not as if we weren't already married for nine years when we died. What's His bloody problem?"

"I guess He's just very protective of His angels. Especially when they're married to literal horny little devils like you," Xander joked. He reached his hand out toward one of the stubby little red horns coming out of Spike's temple. He stopped just a couple of millimetres short and withdrew it with a frustrated sigh.

"We've lasted this long, I'm sure the next forty-five years will just fly by," Xander said, attempting (but not quite managing) to inject a little enthusiasm into his voice.

Spike grunted, shrugging his shoulders and pouting again.

Xander racked his brain to come up with a change of subject.

"Ooo, I saw Buffy the other day."

"Oh joy." Spike said, infusing as much sarcasm as was possible into his words. "How is her Saint Buffness then?"

"She got a promotion. Again! She is such a God's pet." Xander cowered a little and quickly looked up, expecting another warning clap of thunder. When nothing happened he continued.

"She was full of, God said this, and God said that, and God invited me over to his place for a personal viewing of this years Aurora Borealis, blah blah blah." Xander used his hand like a puppet, moving his fingers in time with his words. "And you know with each promotion she gets a new set of wings. You should see her wing span now, I'm surprised she doesn't keep falling backward with the weight of the damn things."

"Nothin' wrong with your wings, pet. I like 'em. It's like having my own personal little Cupid."

Xander smiled brightly and flapped his wings happily. "You think?"

"Definitely luv." Spike glanced quickly upward before lunging forward and burying his face in the soft velvety warmth of Xander's feathers. He let out a contented sigh just before...

CRASH BOOM sizzle

...there was another clap of thunder and a bolt of lightening struck Spike on the head. His hair was charred and smoke was rising up from the burn.

"Oh baby, are you okay?" Xander asked, the concern evident on his face.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." Spike said, patting furiously at his head making sure he didn't burst into flames.

"Well I guess that's my cue to leave pet. I'd better go."

"Ooooh, already? I swear, He keeps changing the flow of time all willy nilly just to make out visits shorter."

"My place? Same time next week?" Spike asked as he hopped off his perch on the cloud they were sitting on, and started to float back down.

"Yeah, see you then. Love you."

"Love you too."

A thought suddenly occurred to Xander and he shouted down at Spike's rapidly descending form. "Don't forget the air conditioning next time. Remember, some of us aren't used to the heat."




The End





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