The Problem With Portmanteau
a buffy: the vampire slayer fanfic

by
Kahuna Burger



SCENE - Spike's Crypt. Candles burn on every available surface and a bottle of wine chills in a dented mop bucket.

ENTER ANDREW

ANDREW : Ooooh, a seduction scene. RUBS HANDS TOGETHER. Established relationship fic, I like it!

ENTER XANDER

XANDER : Hey Bleachie I'm- What the hell? What are you doing here?

ANDREW : What do you mean what am I doing here, I'm getting a slash fic with Spike. Are you supposed to be beating him up first, and I rescue him? I can totally do that!

XANDER : Okay, one - not on your best day. And two - What the hell? This is my scene with Spike, established relationship fic with a totally OC but sweet romantic seduction.

ENTER SPIKE FROM BELOW

SPIKE : It's not that OC! I'll have you know I'm very romantic in canon!

XANDER : You're multiple personality in canon, there's practically no relationship attitude that can't be vaguely justified. But more to the point, what the Hell? Andrew says this is his scene with you, is this a cheating fic? Because I did not get an angst warning.

SPIKE : STARES AT ANDREW Are you kidding me? Totally aside from the fact that my crypt is clearly circa 5th season, I do not have a scene with that git! I get at least four hours warning before those so I can get pissed.

ANDREW : Hey! I don't want you mad in our slash fic! And so what if it's 5th season, it's not like I was in another state, I still lived in Sunnydale between graduation and Trio, so there's nothing illogical about me appearing in fanfic.

XANDER : He means drunk, you geek. You know, so he can stand the pain of being paired with you?

ANDREW : You've got a lot of room to talk, Mr Hates Each Other In Canon.

SPIKE : Oi! That's clearly a bunch of unresolved sexual tension compounded by me not wanting to show any weakness and his vampire issues and internalized homophobia!

XANDER : My homophobia is not internalized! I mean, I'm not homophobic! Larry-phobic I'll grant you, but more to the point, what the Hell? Andrew, what made you think you were anywhere near this fic?

ANDREW : I am! Kahuna Burger said, clear as day, "I'm working on some Spandrew today in Spike's crypt." I even double checked with Jonathon and he heard her too!

OFF SCREEN VOICE : Oh you silly yapping puppy, she didn't say Sp-andrew...

ENTER DRUSILLA FROM SHADOWS

DRUSILLA : She said Sp-and(er)-ru.

SPIKE : Oh, right. Spike plus Xander plus Dru.

ANDREW : What? Since when do threesomes get squished names? And isn't that het? Ew!

XANDER : I think Kahuna Burger uses 'Spandoz' too. Nothing wrong with a little tastefully understated het. Some mild kissing, the girl being a voyeur, it's okay.

SPIKE : I agree about the name though, that's just confusing. Better when they use initials, yeah?

XANDER : Oh right, you could call that better. Or you could look at something that says 'S slash X slash A' and have no earthly idea if you're having a threesome with your cute canon girlfriend, or a vampi-paloosa with Spike having pseudo sire issues and a 50% chance of non-con. So much less confusing...

ANDREW : Or the A could be Andrew!

SPIKE and XANDER : Ugh.

ANDREW : I don't know why you're complaining about Angel, I'd love to be slashed with him with or without Spike.

DRUSILLA : CLAPS HANDS Oh, that's a lovely plan, yapping puppy! Daddy is pouting over me and grandmama, and could use some cheering up!

ANDREW : But what would I be doing in LA?

XANDER : Whatever you wanted, it's not that far and you have no canon location right now, go bag a brooding vamp!

ANDREW : Good plan!

EXIT ANDREW

SPIKE : Thank god that's over. Now Dru, love, you go back to hiding in the shadows, Xanpet make your entrance again and we'll get this fic on the road!

EXIT SPIKE XANDER and DRU

ENTER XANDER

XANDER : Hey Bleachie I'm... Wow, this place looks significantly less hovel-like than I'm used to.

ENTER SPIKE FROM BELOW

SPIKE : I'll take that as high praise, pet. Wanted to do something special for you...

FADE OUT



The End