Disclaimer: Joss’s characters, Estepheia’s plot bunny, my words
Rating: R
Spoilers: Season 6
Pairing: S/X with a teensy bit of S/Warren
Feedback: Yes please
Distribution: My site at http://www.geocities.com/juliatheyounger/fiction.htm Anywhere else, just ask. Summary: My short semi-successful response to Estepheia’s plot bunny/challenge. I couldn’t help myself it sounded too fun.
Estepheia wrote:
“There have been quite a few stories in which Spike gets caught by the  evil Troika who mess with his chip, try to condition him or even torture him. (Trying to have their own obedient vampire to play with)
But those were S/B stories. How about a X/S variant, where Xander has to pretend breaking with Buffy and join the Troika to find a way to free Spike from their evil clutches. What about the three geeks' homophobia and Andrew's obvious interest in Spike...
Personally, I would prefer it, if X/S are not yet a couple but end up as one, or at least as buddies who might become more.
Xander would have to tap into the inner geek and keep up the pretense of hating Spike to be credible (aware that the nerds have been watching  the Scoobies). The nerds might put Xander to the test...
Should be set after Dead Things but before Seeing Red, if that's possible.”
So it didn’t turn out exactly like that but I got *most* of these things…Hope you like!

Remote Control


Ow. Spike’s head hurt a lot. He felt like he’d had three dozen or so too many. Carefully he opened his eyes. Three evil little troll faces were looking at him. He focused. Oh right, not trolls. Gits.

It was at that point Spike discovered he was strapped down.

“He’s awake.”

“This is so cool. See if it works.”

“I will, I will. Just one moment.”

“Are you going to give him a speech? You’re going to give him a speech. Why do you have to do that, why can’t you just try it out. He’ll figure out what’s happening sooner or later.”

Spike opened his mouth.

“What the bleed-”

And then he couldn’t talk anymore. He opened and closed his jaw, nothing came out.

“Volume control works,” said Warren, turning a knob on the device in his hand. It looked suspiciously like a mutilated Play Station controller.

“This is so cool.”

“Right,” said Warren to Spike. “You are now under our control. We’ve made a little modification to your, heh, government chip and now you will do exactly what we say. Understood?”

Spike glared and mouthed something that *could* have been “Fluck foff” but probably wasn’t.

Warren laughed. “Doesn’t matter if you don’t, you’ll do what we say, or more to the point, what we want, anyway.”

The troika exchanged nasty looks.

Spike frowned. Fuck.

“So,” said Andrew excitedly. “What are we going to make him do first?”

Warren smirked.

“Oh I have a few ideas.”

“We could make him clean up,” suggested Andrew. “Your Mom said we had to clean up in here or she’d kick us out. You could make him vacuum.”

Jonathan looked warily at the still strapped down vampire.

“Are you sure this will work? I mean shouldn’t we test it a bit more. He could be like, dangerous.”

Warren rolled his eyes.

“Stop being such a baby.” He sneered, then mimicked Jonathan in a high-pitched wimpy voice. “Will it work, will it work. Of course it will work.”

They turned and looked at Spike.

“And then, we’ll have our very own vampire slave.”

 Warren fiddled with the control panel.

“Untie his legs.”

Jonathan and Andrew exchanged glances, then Jonathan sighed and untied the vampire’s feet. Spike tried to kick him in the head, he really did, he strained until the veins on his neck stood out, but to no avail. His leg stayed stubbornly in one place.

Warren smirked.

“Gentlemen, I think we have success.”

“This is like that episode of Red Dwarf I saw, where Lister had that device put in his back by the Evil crew and they made him do all these things,” said Andrew.

“When did you see Red Dwarf?”

“Only a couple of episodes, it was on a PBS telethon.”

“I missed that, that sucks.”

“Yeah it was really good. They made Lister eat a spider and drink boiling water and burn himself with an iron and everything.”

Jonathan looked at Warren speculatively. “Can we make Spike do those things?”

Warren was still looking intently at the control panel. “I think we most certainly can.”

Andrew was still remembering the Red Dwarf episode. “Oh and they made Lister try to kill the others. Hey-“

“Already there, my friend, already there,” said Warren. “The Slayer won’t suspect a thing….he’ll be able to walk right in there and BAM!”

Spike tried to struggle, tried to do something. Anything. He couldn’t move. Bloody hell. He only hoped that damn control panel would run out of batteries or something.

“All right, finish unstrapping him,” said Warren.

Spike lay on the table, completely powerless to move. He’d never felt so vulnerable. He was completely at the mercy of this band of anoraks.And the worst thing was the way their too-intelligent-for-society’s-good minds worked. Particularly that Warren git. After all he was the one who’d made the Buffy bot.

“Get. Up.” said Warren into the control panel. Spike sat up, his legs swung over the side of the table and then he stood.

“Voice activated,” Warren explained, showing the other two the control panel. “See you’ve got your on/off controls here,” he said pointing to the brightly coloured buttons. “But you use voice control for the complicated stuff.”

“Cool. So is there like a defined vocabulary of commands or is it natural language?” Jonathan asked.

“Natural language,” said Warren.

“Very cool,” breathed Jonathan.

“Simple commands,” Warren clarified. “But if it’s a verb, he’ll have to do it.”

“So, do we kill the Slayer first or have some fun with him for awhile?” asked Andrew.

“Uh, about the whole killing Buffy thing...” began Jonathan.

“First we test him to make sure he’s fully functional,” replied Warren cutting Jonathan off. He grinned evilly and spoke into the panel’s microphone. “Undress.”

Spike decided he didn’t like this Warren bloke.

Andrew stared, Jonathan stared. Warren, ok, Warren stared too. In jerky movements, Spike’s body stiffly removed his duster, then his shirt. His hands moved down to his belt buckle.

“Stop,” said Warren.

Andrew and Jonathan immediately started coughing, manly sorts of coughs.

Spike froze mid movement.

“Go to the table,” said Warren into the controller.

Spike walked to the table.

“Pick up the black book.”

Spike picked up the black book.

“Hit your head with the black book.”

Spike hit himself on the head with the black book.  Bloody hell, it had been hard too.

“Cool!” exclaimed Andrew and Jonathan.

“Do the Macarena,” said Warren.

Spike didn’t move.

“Do. The. Macarena,” said Warren.

Spike didn’t move.

“It’s broken!” exclaimed Jonathan. “You broke it already.”

“It’s not broken-“ said Warren, looking at the wires and pressing some buttons. Spike’s leg jerked out, then his arm jerked out. He nodded his head once.

Warren looked at frustration at the control panel. It seemed to be working.

“I know, maybe he doesn’t know the Macarena. He’s probably too cool,” said Andrew.

“Maybe it’s too complicated,” said Jonathan.

“Dance,” commanded Warren into the controller.

Spike started moving. Forward, backwards, to the sides, slowly, gracefully. Definitely not the Macarena.

“Hehe, I’ve got one,” said Andrew. “Let me.”

“No, not yet, I’m still testing.”

“Oh come on…please, it’ll be funny.”

“Tell me, then I’ll give him the order.”

Andrew pouted. “Fine. Tell him to sing Oops I Did It Again.”

Jonathan cracked up. Warren smirked too, and spoke into the controller.

Spike was going to kill someone. Once he stopped dancing.

“Stop. Sing, the Britney Spear’s song, Oops I Did It Again,” said Warren into the microphone.

Spike wished he honestly didn’t know that song, but unfortunately, unlike the Macarena, he did.

So he sang. And he couldn’t even sing badly on purpose, his bloody brain was making him sing as close an imitation to Ms Spears somewhat high pitched tones as possible. Bloody fucking hell.

After three oh so bleeding funny minutes, Warren finally commanded him to stop.

Warren walked around Spike, considering him. Oh there were so many things he wanted to make Spike do. His too clever not quite normal mind was travelling down very interesting paths. He could feel Spike glaring at him, but he didn’t care, it only made him savour this moment more. This would teach Spike to threaten him, to bully him. The feeling of power over the vampire was…ok, giving him a major hard on.

“What are we going to make him do now?” Warren heard Andrew ask. An evil, very not right thought entered his head that made him smirk. He imagined himself speaking two words into the microphone: “Blow. Me.” But he was too repressed for that.

“One last test,” he said instead. He went to his desk and retrieved a necklace. On it hung a crucifix. He dangled it in front of Spike.

“Look Spike, a crucifix. I’ve heard what one of these does to a vampire. Bet it hurts.”

Spike glared back, which made it all the more satisfying for Warren.

He picked up the controller with his other hand, still holding the crucifix in front of Spike.

“Take. The. Crucifix.”

Spike did.

The pain was searing. He could feel the flesh on his hands melting but he couldn’t let go. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t even scream. The smell of burning flesh filled the air.

For a moment, Andrew and Jonathan gaped at Spike, and then at Warren, who only stood and stared at Spike with satisfaction. Jonathan first dry retched, and then threw up.

“Uh, Warren, shouldn’t you, like, stop it. He won’t be able to do much if he’s got a hole in his hand,” Andrew’s voice shook a little.

Warren stared into Spike’s pain-filled eyes for a moment longer, just to drive home the message, then he spoke into the controller.

“Drop. The. Crucifix.”

Lesson learnt. Now Spike would know who was boss.

Spike stood there frozen, his raw hand open and in agony, the crucifix lying at his feet.

“Let’s take our new toy out to play,” Warren said, then spoke into the controller. “Put. Your. Shirt. On.”


The Troika maneuvered Spike into the Bronze. 

“Buy. Three. Beers,” said Warren into the controller and sent Spike heading to the bar. The guys sat down comfortably at table.

“I could get used to this,” said Jonathan.

“Yeah, its pretty sweet,” agreed Warren. He watched his slave make his way through the crowd. Spike. Still arrogant despite all the humiliating things they had done and would do to him. Warren thought about what he was going to make Spike do later, when the others had gone home to bed.

“Hey, isn’t that Xander?” Jonathan said.

Warren glanced to where Jonathan was indicating. It was Xander Harris, Buffy’s sidekick. This could foil his plan. Heh, foil his plan, he’d always wanted to say that, this was so damn cool.

Or then again, maybe a little more fun could be had. He’d wait and see if Xander noticed his slave.


Xander was trying to have a good time by himself. Buffy was patrolling. Willow was “not well” and Anya was too busy preparing for the wedding. So in the absence of any other actual friends he’d gone out. Oh and was that Spike?

“Hey! Evil Dead! Whatcha up to?” He clapped Spike on the shoulder. Spike didn’t turn, didn’t respond, just kept standing in line at the bar.


Xander pushed past the people beside him and got in front of Spike. He waved his hand in front of Spike’s face.


Spike didn’t even move.

“Fine! Ignore me then. See if I care.” Xander shoved his hands in his pockets and started moving back through the crowd. He thought of something and turned back.

“You know, “ he said. “It’s that kind of attitude that makes people not like you very much-“

He didn’t get to say any more because at that moment, Spike turned, took his face firmly in his hands and kissed him.


Andrew, Jonathan and Warren cracked up.

Warren lifted the controller to his lips again and added, “Lovingly.”

They watched as one of Spike’s hands slid down Xander’s body, his other hand tangled in his hair. The tight-lipped kiss became open mouthed and very, very…tender.


Part of Spike had to appreciate the true evil of the nerd brigade’s latest command. If it hadn’t been him involved, this would be pure golden entertainment. The look on Harris’s face must be priceless. Instead it *was* him. Him snogging Xander bloody Harris. As if he was madly in love with him. Well he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t prevent it. Xander’s lips were warm. Fuck it. Spike stopped resisting. It was then that he realised…Xander wasn’t resisting very much either. He’d expected the spluttering, the initial attempt to pull away from Spike’s vice-like grip, the fire engine red blush, but not this. Spike would have frowned if he could have. When the word ‘Lovingly’ popped into his head and he’d involuntarily parted his lips and begun teasing Harris’s mouth open with his tongue, he hadn’t expected Xander to respond. Well at least not in a positive way. He’d almost expected to get his tongue bitten nice and hard. He hadn’t expected Harris to lean into the kiss, hadn’t expected those warm hands to slip under his duster. Very much hadn’t expected Harris to put his hand on his arse. Bloody hell, the boy had a hard on.


Andrew and Jonathan and Warren had all grown very quiet as they watched Spike and Xander’s romantic clinch in the middle of the Bronze. Jonathan shifted uncomfortably.

“Um, maybe we should stop it now…um…”

“Huh?” asked Warren, still staring at the display that was getting too erotic for something that was supposed to be humiliating. “Oh, right, yeah.” He spoke into the controller. “Stop.”

Xander was brought back to reality with a rush as Spike suddenly jerked away from him. He blinked, trying to focus.

“Spike- I uh-“

Warren smirked evilly. “Throw the glass of water at Xander.”


Spike pleaded with his eyes for help as he was first jerked back and then felt his arm reaching out and picking up the half empty glass of water from the bar and then...Oh bloody hell. Harris wiped the water off his face and stared at him in shock. 

“Spike? What the hell is your problem? You were the one- I mean-“ Xander spat then wiped his mouth deliberately. “What the hell was that about?”

Spike couldn’t say anything. He projected every possible thought he could at the boy. Warren. Geeks. Over there. He tried gesturing with his eyes. Over there. Look over there. Look. Over. There. Bloody hell he wished he’d learnt Dru’s mind control mojo.

Xander looked at him in disgust, shook his head and walked off. Disappointment flooded through Spike. Fuck. There went that means of escape.

And then suddenly Xander was back again.

“Ok, if that was some lame attempt to screw with my brain, you’ve got another thing coming mister….At least LOOK at me when I’m-” Xander frowned and glanced towards where Spike’s eyes kept flickering. He looked back at Spike. Spike looked at him. Spike suddenly did a ninety-degree turn back to the line at the bar.

Xander looked back to where Spike had been glancing. Warren, Jonathan and the other guy were sitting there. Something very weird was going on. And those guys had a pretty high share in the weirdness stakes. He decided it wouldn’t hurt to do a little bit of investigative geek work.

“Hey! Jonathan!” exclaimed Xander, walking over to them. “And Warren, and um…” He paused.

“Andrew,” said Andrew.

“Andrew, yeah. How are ya?”

“Hey Xander,” said Jonathan.

“Xander,” repeated Warren and Andrew. Xander noticed them glance towards Spike. Warren seemed to have his Play Station controller with him. Now that was…just… geeky. And Xander had been accused of being a geek in his time.

“So that was weird. I was waiting at the bar and that Spike guy just comes up and kisses me. And then he threw water at my face.”

The three guys laughed nervously.

“Weird,” said Warren, not really paying attention.

“Yeah really weird,” said Jonathan.

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence.

“So…” said Xander, trying to think up conversation. “You guys out for a big night of Bronzing?”

“Just a little while,” said Andrew. He glanced nervously at Warren.

“So are you like at college now Xander?” Jonathan asked.

“No sirree. I’m a hard working nine to fiver now a days.”

“Oh cool,” nodded Jonathan.

Andrew thought of a question. “What, what do you do?”

“Construction,” replied Xander. “It’s hard work but I had enough of that book learning when I was in highschool.”

The other two guys laughed nervously, and Xander noticed that Warren was still distracted.

“Excuse me,” Warren said suddenly and stood up.

Xander watched Warren walk away and out of sight.

“So, do you like Enterprise?” Andrew asked.

And then Warren came back.

“Guys, we should go,” he said.

“Oh hey, catch you guys later,” said Xander.

“Bye Xander,” said Jonathan. “Say hi to Willow and Buffy for me.”

And then they were gone. And when Xander looked around, so was Spike.


Warren gave Spike an evil grin, relishing the hate radiating off the vampire.

“Come on Spikey. Time to go home.” Spike didn’t move.

Warren spoke into the controller.

“Come. Home.”

“So, uh, when is it our turn to play with Spike?” Andrew asked as they walked back to their base.

“Later,” replied Warren.

“Oh. Ok. It’s just. I mean, could I borrow him tonight? Just to you know…help with the laundry.”

“Tomorrow. Tonight I’ve got to um, work on this controller.”

When Jonathan and Andrew had gone, Warren locked the basement door and turned to Spike. The anticipation was almost too much. He smirked and held the controller to his mouth.

“Undress,” he said.

And this time Warren didn’t say stop. He sat down in his Captain Kirk chair and undid his pants while he watched Spike undress. He was hard just thinking about what he was going to do… going to get Spike to do.

Spike finished undressing and froze again. Naked, glaring. Hating this. Warren groaned with pleasure. This time he didn’t suppress the very wrong thought.

“Blow me,” he said. And as an after thought added, “No teeth.”


Xander had followed the geek patrol from the Bronze. There were some advantages to spending a lot of time patrolling and having residue soldier skills. He was pretty good with the sneaky.

He hid outside a large house and watched them go in the garage door and a light come on in the basement. So that was their hideout. Soon after Andrew and Jonathan trooped out. Warren and Spike didn’t.


Xander crept closer. He couldn’t hear any talking, which was weird for Spike. But come to think of it, Spike hadn’t said a word all night. And looking back that was weird too, even with the kissing and the water throwing and the geeks.

Ok. Officially in hellmouth level weirdsville now.

Xander moved closer to the house and then crawled up near the basement window. He peered in. He could make out Warren…Then Xander saw Spike. Spike was naked. And kneeling between Warren’s legs and…Oh. Oh. Oh, that was so not right. Xander opened his eyes again a crack. Spike and Warren? More to the point, Spike, doing that…to Warren. Xander frowned. Warren still had the Play Station controller in his hand, and he seemed to be talking into it. Xander remembered the blank look on Spike’s face, the not talking, the suddenly performing sexual favours for Warren, ok, the generally strange behaviour. Something wasn’t right. And then suddenly Spike stood up and moved over to the table, stretching across it. Wow, Spike really was muscled. Ok, so not the point. Warren following after him. Ok and that was more Warren than Xander needed to see. Xander could make out Spike’s expression now. The vampire didn’t seem to be exactly happy about the situation. Xander scrambled to his feet.


Spike was screaming inside his head, he couldn’t even vamp out. And that little prick was going to…well he liked the occasional buggering as much as the next vampire but not when he couldn’t bloody move. He inwardly tensed, waiting, trying to put his mind elsewhere.  Hoping to hell the little git wasn’t as sadistic as he seemed.

“Tell. Me. You. Want. Me.” 

Spike felt Warren press behind him.

“I…want…you,” Spike hissed out through gritted teeth.

“Yeah Spike, you do-”

The knock on the door startled them both.

Warren quickly tucked himself away.

“Mom is that you? I told you I was busy.”

There was no reply.

“Andrew? Jonathan?”

Warren went to the door and opened it a crack.

“Hey, Warren.”

“Xander? Look this is a really bad time-”

“Yeah I know. It looks like you’re about to do something kind of uncomfortable to Spike. You really should look at getting curtains on that window.“

Xander saw Warren glance back into the room.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said.

“Oh, ok, guess you won’t mind me coming in then will you?”

Warren tried to shut the door, but Xander’s foot was in the way.

“Ok, that hurt.”

“Look, this is none of your business.”

“Actually it is. Cos I’m thinking the weirdness in the bar tonight? That had something to do with you.”

Warren glanced desperately behind him.

“Ok, yeah, Spike’s here, we’re just doing stuff. Private stuff. Now if you don’t mind-”

“Yeah, sure whatever,” Xander nodded, then called past Warren’s head. “Hey, Spike, if you want me to leave you here with Warren just yell out.”

Warren lifted the play station controller to his mouth.

“Kill. Xanmmgh-“

The sharp elbow to Warren’s jaw and then the knee to the groin didn’t exactly make it easy to finish that command. Xander punched Warren once more than wrenched the controller from his hand.

Spike was stuck mid-command. No longer leaning over the bench, Spike was poised to kill some unknown person named Xanmmgh and was frozen mid-pounce. And still naked. Bloody hell Warren was going to pay.

Xander straddled Warren.

“How does this work?” he demanded, his hand on Warren’s throat.

“Fuck, get off me-“

“Right, figure it out for myself…ok…”

He looked at the controller and levelled it at Spike. He pushed the X button. Spike’s leg kicked out. Ok. Where was the button Warren had pushed when he’d ordered…oh there we go…

“Spike put some clothes on.” Spike’s body relaxed and he looked at Xander gratefully as he grabbed up his jeans and pulled them on. Xander got off Warren. He showed Spike the controller.

“Ok, so I’m thinking there’s a button on here that stopped you talking as well,” said Xander. He spoke into the controller again. “Tell me what happened.”

Spike sighed with relief.

“I woke up and those three bloody morons had done something to my chip so they could control me with *that* thing.”

Xander looked at the Play Station controller then looked at Spike. He couldn’t help it, he smirked.

“It’s not funny! They made me sing a bleeding Britney Spears song, and kiss you. And….” Spike spat. “And other stuff which wasn’t pleasant, let me tell you.” He glared at Warren. “And no, I don’t fucking want you, pillock. Go bugger one of your little hangers on. They’re so desperate for you.”

Spike finished dressing and found he couldn’t do anything else. He looked in frustration at the controller then at Warren. Warren coughed and sat up painfully. He saw Spike looking at him, saw him frozen, and smirked.

“Bloody hell.”

Xander was looking at the controller. He turned it over.

“Hey!” he said in triumph, and flicked a switch.

Spike looked at him, he flexed his hand. He took a step. He grinned. And then he aimed a firm kick at Warren. The headache was debilitating but it was more than worth it.

“The basic function of the chip still works then,” commented Xander, holding out a hand to help him up.

Spike groaned.

“Bloody hell. Little arseholes.” He got to his feet. Xander handed him the controller.

“Hey you can’t take that!” exclaimed Warren as they started out the door.

“Uh, just thought of something Spike,” said Xander.


“Plans and stuff. You don’t want them making another one or anything.”

“Good point.” Spike strode into the basement and began ransacking it.

“Hey- no, stop-“ Warren begged as piece after piece of delicate equipment was smashed on the floor.

“Plans?” asked Spike, holding his foot above the tangle of motherboard and wires he’d tossed on the floor.

Warren sank to his knees.

“They’re on my computer. Please, just don’t break anything else-“

“Ok,” agreed Spike, going over the desk. “Except maybe for that.” And he smashed the computer.


“It’s really awful to see a grown man cry,” commented Xander as they walked back to the Magic Box.

“Yeah, s’posed to be a bloody super villain. Pathetic,” commented Spike, flexing every muscle he could. He had been a bit quiet since they’d left Warren’s. He coughed. “Hey, mate, thanks for coming to my rescue back there.”

“Uh, don’t mention it Spike. I mean it really. There are some memories in this world I need to repress and you giving Warren head is one of them.”

Spike spat reflectively.

“I’ll agree with that.” He glanced at Xander again.  “Ah, and about the -“

“Don’t mention that either. I’m getting married in two weeks. Please don’t mention that.”


“I mean, it was totally out of our control. There was nothing you could have done to stop it. And there was the vampire strength, so I was pretty much helpless…”

Spike nodded. “Couldn’t do anything about it.”

“Not that it was like, awful or anything.”

“Lot better than sucking Warren’s dick.”

Xander snickered and glanced at Spike, who smirked back at him.

“I could have done without the water in the face though.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “From where I was standing you needed a bit of cooling off.”

Xander choked.

“Excuse me? No. We are not going there.”

Spike stopped and looked at Xander speculatively.

“Not even once, before you get married…?”

Xander swallowed hard.

“I love Anya,” he said. “I love her.”

Spike nodded. “Fair enough.”

They walked a long in silence for a while. Then Xander asked.

“So, like, is being that well-hung a vampire thing?”

The End

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