Quantum Xander


Part Fifty-One

Well luv, we've been here a couple of days now and I still don't know what's going on. You won't talk to me and I'm starting to get a bit worried. I wish you would tell me what's eating you up inside; I can't help you if you don't talk to me.

After you got back from the poof's yesterday, you seemed okay. Told me how they were all normal, working at their little detective agency. That Angel was his usual uptight self with you.

What does it mean, love? Are we back in your reality? If so, why are we still in L.A.? I don't fancy the idea of going back to the hellmouth anytime soon, but it seems to me that we won't learn anything sticking around here. Why don't you wanna go home?

Your nightmares are getting worse, Xan. You wake up screaming every time you fall asleep. I don't know what's going on for sure but I have my suspicions. You keep telling me that you're sorry, that it's all your fault. It isn't. Whatever it is you think you've done, it's not your fault, love.

You saved me, you took me away from that hellish existence; you loved me, you gave me back my pride, my sanity, my unlife. I owe you so much more than I can ever repay you for. I love you, pet. I just wish you would tell me what was wrong.

If it's me, something I've done, I'll fix it if I can. Is it because of Angel? Because we shagged him? Do you think I love you any less because of it? I told you I didn't. We talked about this yesterday, you said you understood. Did you, or were you just humouring me? Won't shag anyone else for any reason if you don't want me to. I was only trying to help Angelus; I'm still his childe no matter what reality.

Bloody hell! This is so damn frustrating. I don't do patience well, you know this. I'm trying, you know. Trying to give you time, to let you deal with this but it's not in my nature. You. Are. Mine. And I protect what's mine. I can't protect you from your own thoughts, your own conscience. Damn it Xander, I wish you would talk to me.

Spike closed his book and crawled back into bed as Xander began to moan and whimper in his sleep. He had no idea how much longer they could go on like this, the boy's dreams were practically killing him. He was always tired, had little to no appetite and other than cuddling after a bad dream, they barely touched each other. In short, it was making Spike crazy.

"Xander, wake up, luv."

The body in his arms stirred and one blood-shot brown eye looked up at him. He gently stroked his fingers through soft dark hair and then leaned down to press a kiss on Xander's furrowed brow.

"We need to talk luv. These nightmares of yours aren't going away, and I want to know what started them."

"I-I can't."

Xander rolled away from Spike and tried to get out of the bed. Spike - frustrated by his lover's stubborn behaviour - pounced on him and pinned him to the mattress. He leaned down until they were nose to nose and growled softly.

"I said, I want to know what started them. Talk to me pet, I'm not letting you up until you do."

Xander took a deep breath and then closed his eyes; the nightmare images flashed through his mind and he shuddered. A lone tear slid down the side of his face and into his ear. He opened his eyes and looked at the worried face of his lover and sighed.

"It's my fault, all of this."

"Well, technically it's that ex-bird of yours' fault. She's the one who cursed you."

"No, not that. What happened to you. It's my fault."

Spike sat up and then helped Xander up as well. After making himself comfortable against the headboard he pulled Xander to sit between his legs and rested his head on his chest.

"Okay, explain."

Xander told him his theory, how every place he had been to was an example of what might have happened if he had made different choices in his life, or had been given the chance to make a different choice - like being bi instead of straight.

Spike listened and waited until Xander was finished talking before he gently turned him around in his arms and held him close again. He kissed the top of his head and then tilted Xander's face up so he could look him in the eye.

"Right then. So you figure that my being captured by the Initiative is your fault. That what Finn and his boys did to me is your fault. That you are single-handedly responsible for me? Bullshit. You weren't in Sunnyhell, so what. I was the one who came back there on a mission of revenge. I was the one who was stupid enough to get captured in the first place, not to mention dumb enough to stick around after I escaped the first time. I could have gone to Angel, Xander. He's my sire, he would have taken me in."

Spike looked into Xander's eyes and tried to make him see the truth. He saw the tears well up in those dark chocolate-brown eyes and wiped them away as they fell.

"Not your fault love, I don't blame you. I never will. Let it go, hey? Let it go and just be with me again. I miss the sound of your laughter, Xander. I miss the feel of you touching me. Not your fault love, let it go."

Xander grabbed on to the vampire and buried his head into the cool surface of his shoulder. He couldn't make the tears stop, but this time at least they were tears of happiness. He couldn't believe how easy it had been to tell Spike what was bothering him, how easily his lover had made him feel better.

"I should have told you sooner. I'm sorry."

"Yes, you should have. No more secrets, luv. We have to be honest, at least with each other."


Spike got up off the bed and pulled Xander to his feet.

"Get dressed. We're going to get you fed and then we're off to the hellmouth."

"Wha... huh?"

Spike chuckled and tossed Xander his shirt before starting to pack their things.

"Sunnydale, luv. You said that Peaches was the same as you remember from your world, so I figured we should check out what the cartoon gang is like."

"Oh, okay."

Xander was still a bit confused but he got dressed and followed behind Spike as they picked up their bags and left the hotel. A quick stop at the local diner and they were on the highway, headed back to Sunnydale.

It was dark by the time they arrived in town; Spike looked at the welcome sign and pouted. He really missed his car sometimes. But then, it would be bloody difficult to get the DeSoto out of a hotel room after a shift. The bike was portable that way.

"Well, pet. Where should we start?"

"Probably best to start with you, er, Spike. Aw, hell. Just go to the cemetery, we'll check his crypt first."

Spike chuckled and started the bike moving in the direction of Spike's cemetery. It would be easier to see him first. Demons were much more likely to accept the multiple realities theory than humans were, plus he knew that Xander was trying to shield him from having to see the humans until it became necessary.

Driving through town, Xander paid as much attention to detail as he could. So far everything looked familiar, just like back home. He wasn't about to get his hopes up though. He knew better than that.

They parked the bike just outside the cemetery and started walking toward Spike's crypt. When they were about twenty feet away, Spike pulled Xander to him and kissed him. It was a kiss of need and passion. Xander wasn't sure what had brought it on, but he wasn't fighting it.

Spike suddenly found himself pressed back against a tree while Xander tried to remove his tonsils with his tongue. He had no complaints, seeing as he was the one who started it and he liked when his boy was aggressive.

"Well, well. What have we got here then? Your bint dumps you to be a demon again and you turn into a poof? Should have seen it, what with you having no male friends an' all. Should I buy you a dress, Harris? Start calling you Nancy?"

Xander dropped his head to Spike's shoulder and chuckled weakly. He could feel his lover's silent laughter as well. There was no mistaking that voice, silk, honey, and just a bit of rough.


"Harris. Why the bloody hell are you making out in a graveyard? Oh, and you are aware that your boyfriend is a vampire, aren't you? Bloody thick-headed git."

Xander couldn't stop the snort of laughter that escaped him. He tried to hold it in, but once it was loose, it was followed by another, and before he knew it he was howling with laughter, tears running down his face. Spike was still keeping his features hidden from his doppleganger, but he too was finding this extremely entertaining.

"Er, Xander? Are you possessed again? Need me to fetch the slayer?"

Xander was finally able to calm down enough to speak and he shook his head.

"No. No, I'm not possessed again, and no I don't need you to fetch the slayer. I'm fine Spike, and yes I know my boyfriend is a vampire."

Xander turned back to his Spike with a questioning look on his face.

"Boyfriend? I'm not sure that works, what do you think?"

Spike smirked at his wicked boy. This was going to be fun.

"Well, I dunno. Seems I'm a bit old to be a boy, and I'd say we're a lot more than friends. So, no. I don't think boyfriend covers it at all, love."

Part Fifty-Two

Xander watched as the blonde Spike's eyes widened in shock and recognition. He had never seen Spike speechless before; this was fun! His Spike stepped out of the shadows and put his arm around his waist and smirked at his double.

"What the bloody hell is this, then?"

Blonde Spike stepped closer to his dark-haired twin and looked him over sceptically. He frowned at the dark hair, and then snorted at the way he was dressed.

"You look like a right git. Where the hell did you come from, and what are you doing with Xander?"

"Long story, and sod off. I happen to be in disguise."

"As what, Peaches? A nancy boy?"

"Oh, right. And the bleached-out, leather look just screams hetero, does it?"

Xander couldn't help the smile. Hearing his lover dis his own tastes in clothing and hairstyle was too funny. He knew Spike missed his coat, and that he hated the dark hair but to hear him accuse this Spike of looking like a queer because of those very things was just too funny.

"Look, as amusing as this is we have more important things to discuss. Did you say Anya dumped me? To be a demon again?"

"Er, well yeah. You were there Harris, don't you remember?"

"Enlighten me, please."

Spike looked questioningly at Xander and then began patting down the pockets of his duster until he found his cigarettes. After lighting one and taking a long drag, he spoke.

"It was at your wedding, there you stood at the end of the aisle, waiting for your bride. The music started and the girls strolled out in their lovely puke green dresses. After a few minutes, when the bride still hadn't shown, Buffy went looking for her. Turns out D'Hoffryn made her an offer she couldn't refuse; she left a note. You were devastated, it was quite entertaining."

Xander absorbed this information and turned to his Spike.

"Not home. That is so not the way it happened in my world."

"Well, I guess we should find a motel then. Motorlodge?"


As the two began to walk away, blonde Spike fell into step.

"So, what's the story with you two then? I think I deserve an explanation."

"We aren't from here. In my reality, I left Anya at the altar. She cursed me, and now I'm jumping from one reality to the next hoping to get home."

Spike whistled and gave Xander an appraising look.

"You are either truly brave or truly stupid. Leaving a vengeance demon at the altar? Not the smartest decision you ever made. So what's with Billy-boy there. You shagged him so she sent him along for the ride?"

Spike growled at being called Billy-boy and then glared at the blonde vampire.

"I was picked up along the way. And if you don't want to be wearing your stones around your ears, I'd suggest you don't call me that again. I may not look like you, but believe me, I am just as much a vampire as you are. Perhaps more so."

This time it was blonde Spike who growled.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Simple, you stink of slayer. What kind of vampire shags a slayer? Well, besides the souled kind. You don't have a soul, do you?"

Both Spikes looked horrified at the very idea. Blonde Spike vamped out and growled at dark-haired Spike.

"No I soddin' well do not have a soul. Wanker."

"Rather be a wanker than a slayer-shagger. Bloody pathetic if you ask me."

Xander finally found his tongue and interrupted their argument.

"Wait a minute. You and Buffy? Buffy and you? Oh this is just so wrong."

Xander walked away shaking his head and muttering under his breath. The vampires exchanged a look and then started to follow. Spike didn't know what had set his human off, but after the last few days he wasn't about to let Xander start blaming himself for anything again. The other Spike just wanted to make sure that none of the scoobies saw his dark-haired self.

That and he didn't want them figuring out that he was shagginí the boy. His version of Xander would likely be horrified; either that or he'd take the piss with him about his doubleís hair and poofy tendencies.

"Oi! What do you mean it's wrong?"

Spike picked up the pace and reached out to stop Xander from walking away. He pulled his hand back fast when his dark-haired double snarled at him. He turned astonished eyes on his twin and then nodded his head in understanding.

"Sorry, mate. Didn't know seeing as he's unmarked. Answers that question though don't it?"

"Bloody chip."

They exchanged sympathetic looks and then Blonde Spike turned back to Xander again.

"So what did you mean? Why is my being with Buffy so wrong? Can't be because I'm a vampire, bit hypocritical there ainít it?"

Xander shook his head and took a deep breath. He looked at his Spike and realised he was waiting for an explanation as well. He let out the breath on a sigh and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Did Buffy die here?"

"Yeah. Red brought her back. What's that got to do with it?"

"I assume that you and Buffy weren't together before she died?"


Spike was beginning to look impatient so Xander continued.

"It's wrong because you're going to end up hurt, Spike. Buffy is a mess; she was torn out of heaven. Once she starts to accept her life again, she'll walk away from you. She doesn't love you, but I think you know that. The point is, she will never love you, she can't. You're not Angel, and he's the only one she'll ever really love because she won't let herself love anyone else."

Spike wanted to argue the point, tell Xander he was wrong, that Buffy did love him, that they were together and that was it. Unfortunately the boy was right, and Spike knew it. He might lie to others but never to himself.

"Bit late for that. She's already dumped me like the trash. Bloody bint, won't even give us a chance. She's all, 'I used you, and it's killing me' never mind what I want, what it's doing to me."
Xander looked at his lover and smiled sadly at him. It was kinda sad, seeing Spike like this. Before this had all started, Xander had always thought Spike was unbreakable, the consummate tough guy. Now he knew better; he knew that this Spike was heart-broken, you could see it in his eyes. Dark-haired Spike threw a companionable arm around his doubleís shoulder and started walking toward the cemetery exit.

"What say we grab a couple bottles of Jack and go get pissed?"

"Sounds like a bloody good plan to me."

Xander shook his head and followed behind his lover and the blonde vampire. He wondered if this was a good idea, considering what happened the last time he had gotten drunk with two vampires.

Part Fifty-Three

Several bottles of Jack later, Xander sat on the bed, his back leaning against the headboard, his lover sitting between his thighs, back pressed against his chest. Blonde Spike reclined beside them - a half empty bottle of whiskey in his hand - watching them.

Xander's arms were around Spike; he absently ran one hand up and down the vampire's chest and stomach. He hadn't realised that his touch was attracting the other Spike's attention until he spoke.

"See? Now that's the kind of thing Buffy would never do. Just touch me like that, casually. Hell, she never touched me at all if we weren't shagging. Unless she was kicking my arse for something."

Xander noticed what he was doing and looked at the wistful expression on the blonde's face. He felt an overwhelming urge to reach out to him, to make him feel better. He was about to reach for him when his lover sat up and looked at him. Xander knew that look, he nodded his understanding and smiled at the look of shock on the blonde vampire's face as his lover leaned down and kissed him.

Spike's shock was quickly overcome by lust and he kissed back enthusiastically. It was a novel idea, after all, how often did a narcissist like Spike get a chance to kiss himself, and maybe more? He'd have to be crazy - or at least sober - to pass it up.

With lightning speed, Spike pulled his dark-haired double on top of him and then rolled them both until he was straddling the other vampireís hips. He held his shoulders down and looked at the face he hadn't seen in a mirror in over a century. He found nothing but honest lust in the eyes that bore into his and smiled. If he had seen pity in those eyes, he wasn't sure what he'd have done.

"What about your boy there? He off limits?"

"Up to him; he can play if he wants to. Didn't seem to mind playing with Angelus last week."

The blonde vampire sat up in alarm and looked appraisingly over at Xander. He looked back at his double with awe and jealousy.

"Bloody hell! He must be something special if the wanker let him live."

"Oh, he's special alright. Let me tell you a little story about Xander, a hot knife, a pair of pliers and one ex-Initiative soldier."

By the time Spike had finished his story, both vampires were extremely aroused and looking at Xander with predatory gazes. He swallowed hard and adjusted the front of pants. He couldn't help but get hard when his lover looked at him like that. And the effect was doubled since there were two Spikes and they both had the same look on their faces, the same promise of exquisite pleasure in their eyes.

Brunette Spike crawled over to straddle Xanderís thighs and licked a wet stripe from his collarbone to his ear. He then bit down on the lobe gently and growled softy as Xander's hips bucked up.

"So, pet. Do you wanna play with us? Or do you just wanna watch?"

Xander swallowed past the lump in his throat and nodded his head.

"I wanna play."

The words were barely out of his mouth when he found himself looking into the yellow eyes of a demon. His lover sat back and pulled his shirt off and tossed it across the room before divesting Xander of his shirt as well. The blonde Spike began removing Xander's shoes and socks as the dark-haired vampire undid the humanís pants. Both vampires worked together to pull them off.

As Xander sat naked on the bed, the vampires turned and began undressing one another. Since their shirts were already gone, they each toed off their boots and shoes. Then they reached for each other's jeans and began popping open the buttons. Xander wiped his mouth as the drool threatened to spill over. They were beautiful together.

As the vampires kissed and ran their hands over each other's bodies, Xander's hand crept down towards his straining erection; he wrapped his fingers around it and began to stroke himself leisurely. He was startled as two pairs of yellow eyes turned on him and narrowed in displeasure.

"Uh uh, pet. That's mine."

Xander moved his hand as the vampires prowled toward him, joining him on the bed and nuzzling his neck at either side. He was helpless under their attack, unable - and unwilling - to put up any resistance. He groaned as cool lips and tongues tasted him, cool fingers traced random patterns on his overheated skin. When one cool mouth engulfed his cock he screamed out in pleasure before another cool mouth silenced him with kisses.

The vampires worked in tandem, where one left off the other began; soon there wasn't an inch of Xander's body that hadn't been licked, sucked, kissed or nibbled. He thought that if hell was like this, he would be glad to end up there. Having his body worshiped by demons was turning out to be a regular occurrence for him. One he wasn't at all opposed to.

Xander found himself turned on his side, his lover spooned up behind him and his soon-to-be lover in front of him. He kissed the blonde vampire and was pleased by the growl he got in response before his mouth was plundered in a fierce and possessive kiss. He couldn't help but respond in kind.

Xander whimpered as Spike pulled away from the kiss. He felt his leg being lifted and draped over Spike's hip as slick fingers probed the opening to his body. He moaned and pushed back, trying to get those fingers to go deeper, faster, anything. He sobbed as the fingers withdrew, only to hiss as something much larger began to push its way inside.

"Fuck, Spike!"

A dirty chuckle met his words and he opened his eyes to see a smiling blonde demon in front of him. His mouth was taken in a brief but searing kiss before a tube of lubricant was pressed into his hand.

"That's the plan, luv."

The blonde rolled over so that his back was to Xander's chest and then lifted his leg. Xander wasted no time in slicking his fingers and preparing the vampire. Once he was sure he'd done a thorough job, he used more lube to slick himself as well and slid inside the blonde.

The three men set a slow rhythm rocking their hips, and Xander wrapped one of his hands around Spike's cock to give him something to thrust into. Their slow lazy pace didn't last long though and Xander soon found himself on all fours, a vampire underneath him and one behind him.

He was lost to the pleasure - as he pulled out of the blonde Spike, the brunette one pushed into him. Back and forth he went between the two demons. He fucked harder when he was ordered to - slamming himself inside the cool snug channel of the vampire under him as he was taken just as hard by the one behind him. As his climax approached, Xander acted out of instinct and leaned forward and sank his teeth into Spike's shoulder. The blonde howled and clenched around him as he spilled his seed over Xander's fist. That was all it took to bring Xander over the edge and the other Spike right behind him.

They lay slumped together in a tangle of limbs. Lazy caresses were exchanged and slow, sleepy kisses. Before long they had all three fallen asleep - Xander in the middle with a vampire cuddled into each side

When Xander woke the next morning he couldn't move. There was a solid weight on his chest and legs. He lifted his head and smiled at the sight that met him. His Spike was lying across his legs - his face pressed into his groin, the other one was asleep on his chest - head tucked under his chin. With a dopey grin on his face, Xander lay back down, unwilling to disturb either of the demons currently using him for a cushion. Before long he was asleep again.

Part Fifty-Four

It's been a while since I've written, things have been hectic. You're probably wondering what happened after the whole "I slept with Deadboy" and "everything is my fault" brain melt down. Well, to be truthful, a lot has happened since then.

I won't go into detail on the nightmares I suffered - no, not about sleeping with Angel, they were about Spike, about what happened to him and my part in it all. Spike finally forced me to tell him what was going on and then he basically told me to get over myself. That what happened to him wasn't my fault.

We left Angel with good wishes and hope for his future. I told him to explain to the guys what had happened to Spike, that they would understand why he had to do what he did and things would be okay. Of course we agreed it was best if they never heard about what Angel did to Riley.

The last place we landed in was so close to being home it made me ache. The difference was that Anya stood me up at the alter instead of the other way around. She left me to be a demon again.

Spike and I ran into the Spike of that world first. He had just recently been dumped by Buffy. Yeah, go figure. We tried to cheer him up by getting him drunk. Worked out well, he was in a much better mood the next day. 'Course that could have had something to do with all the sex that was had.

Yep, I ended up the creme filling in a Spike-wich. I'm still confused about why this doesn't bother me. I mean, if I'm in love with Spike, shouldn't it be pissing me off that he's "shaging" someone else? Shouldn't I have a moral objection against me sleeping with someone else? I get why it doesn't bother Spike, I mean Angel was his sire, and Spike is .. well he's him only blonde still. It's a demon thing I guess, he says that vampires don't look at sex the same way humans do. That it's okay to share your body with someone else as long as both partners are okay with it. Plus we won't be staying around long, so no chance of me leaving him for someone else.

After telling that worlds Spike about what we had seen and done, he decided that maybe he'd be better off taking a break from Sunnydale for a while. As far as I know, he was heading to LA to see if he could patch things up with Angel. I wish him luck.

We didn't see the scoobies while we were there. I figured it would be too wierd for that world's Xander. He would be messed up as it is, finding out that there's a reality out there where he was the one who walked away might not be the best thing for him, or me for that matter. Spike said he'd likely hit me. He's that messed up.

Spike and I shifted out late last night, so we haven't been out to check the situation in this world yet. I'm not getting my hopes up, I have the feeling that Anya plans for me to suffer for some time before I get to come home - if I get to come home. I could grow old and die - or just die - on this journey before it ever reaches the end, and wouldn't that suck? If that's the case, I hope this book gets home at least. I'll be sure to write out my will in it. If the bike makes it as well, give it to Spike. He'll appreciate it.

I wonder if the gang misses me? I'm sure that on a personal level everyone is all "gee I miss Xander" but what about the fight against evil? Has my unique input been missed on that front? Who else can you get to chauffer Dawn to school, fix broken shelves, fetch donuts and be the butt of all jokes? Oh hey, maybe you guys have adopted Jonothan in my absense. Or better yet, Andrew. He'd do in a pinch, not quite witty enough, but he'd be eager for the attention. Just don't let him have my comic books or my Babylon five collector plates. I'll be severly pissed if you do. Then again, if I'm dead, maybe you should give them to him. He's geek enough to appreciate them.

Spike's out of the shower, looks like it's time to find out what brave new world we landed in this time. Maybe this will be the one where I've made all the right decisions, I'll be rich, famous, successful and have a harem of beautiful women at my beck and call. Yeah, and then I'll wake up, I doubt a reality like that one even exists. And if it did, I'm sure I'd find some way to screw it up for myself.

Xander put his journal away just as Spike exited the bathroom - wearing nothing but a towel - a cloud of steam billowing out behind him. He debated on whether to jump the vampire or let him get dressed so they could go eat. His rumbling stomach made the decision for him.

"Okay, breakfast first, then we tour the town."

"Sure thing pet. Just let me get my kit on."

Once they were dressed, they headed out to see what this Sunnydale had to offer in the way of sustinance. A quick trip to the butchers for Spike, and then a leisurely stop at the ihop for pancakes.

It was a beautiful day, sunny but not too hot. They drove past the construction site where Xander worked in his reality, they didn't see a Xander there so they kept going. The next stop was the Magic Box but it was closed, the sign said it was closed indefinately. That wasn't a good sign. After a bit of hesitation on Spike's part, they drove to Buffy's house. Spike stayed with the bike while Xander went to the door. He was just about to knock when the door was flung open.

Dawn stood and stared at Xander in shock. She lifted one hand and reached out toward him before drawing it back without even touching him. She had tears in her eyes and her lip started to tremble.


Xander smiled reassuringly and wondered if he was dead in this reality. Why else would Dawnie be looking at him like he was a ghost? He cleared his throat and then gave her the pantented 'Goofy Xander' grin.

"Hey Dawnie."

Dawn turned around and ran into the house screaming for Willow. Xander looked back toward Spike and the bike and shrugged his shoulders. The vampire tilted his head in question - he wondered if he should join his lover or not - but Xander shook his head and then turned back to the house.

Willow came rushing out, followed by a tear streaked Dawn and Tara. Xander found himself in a crushing embrace from his childhood friend. He felt like an ass. What ever had happened to this worlds Xander had devestated his friends, and now he was going to make it worse.

"Hey, Wills. We need to talk."

Xander disengaged the red heads arms from around his waist and held her at arms length. He looked into her eyes and saw overwhelming guilt and sadness. He wondered what had happened to put that look on her face.

"Oh, Xander. Thank the Godess you're alright. How did this happen? When did this happen? Why didn't Spike call me?"

"Woah. Hold on there. We really do need to talk Wills. I'm not your Xander. I'm sorry I should have told you right away. I'm from a different reality, I was cursed after I left Anya. I'm so sorry."

Willow crumpled and Xander barely caught her before she hit the ground. He looked at Tara and Dawn and then slumped in defeat. He definately wasn't home, and he wasn't so sure he even wanted to know what had happened in this reality. Tara held out her arms and Xander guided Willow into them before turning around and heading back to the bike and his vampire. He was almost there when Dawn stopped him.

"You really aren't our Xander, are you?"

"No, Dawnie. I'm sorry."

"Did Anya curse you?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was her."

"Hmm, well that sucks. Oh hey, who's your friend?"

Xander chuckled and whispered in her ear.

"No way! That's Spike! I can't wait to tell him I saw him with brown hair and wearing ... are those Reboks?"

"Yeah. He's going for low profile."

"How can he be outside? It's daytime?"

"Magic spell, but keep that quiet okay?"

"Sure. Hey, can you give a copy of it to Willow and Tara? It would make things easier on our Spike."

"Sorry, kiddo. I don't know the spell. It was done a few realities ago."


"Uh, Dawn? What happened to me here? Why were you guys so freaked out, am I dead, am I in a coma?"

"No. It's ... Well, it's a long story. Do you know about Glory?"

Xander groaned and shook his head. Yippee, another 'fucked over by the hell god' dimension. He wondered how many places were effected by what did or didn't happen with Glory.

"Yeah, more than I want to. What happened?"

"You got brain-sucked. You and Tara both. Willow tried to fix you guys, she got Tara back but ... Oh Xander, she did try, really she did. Just, you were crazy, and you ran and after the spell Willow was weakened and she didn't have power left to do it again. Giles said there wasn't time to try again, that they had to kill Glory right away before she destroyed the world."

Dawn was crying again, Xander pulled her into a hug and made shushing noises. He was shocked by the information, but he understood. Him or the world? No question, it had to be the world.

"So I'm crazy?"

"Uh huh."

"What did Willow mean when she asked why Spike didn't call?"

Dawn pulled away and grinned somewhat sadly at him.

"Spike lives with you now. He takes care of you, he has a lot of experience with crazy people. Willow and Tara help out too, but they spend most of their time looking after me and trying to find a way to fix you."

Xander noticed that she hadn't mentioned Buffy. He assumed that since Willow was busy trying to help him, she hadn't ressurected her. He didn't want to ask though.

"What happened to Anya?"

"She ... She died, Xander. During the fight with Glory, she was buried under a pile of bricks. There was internal damage."


"He's in England, he left right after Buffy's funeral. The council wanted him to give a detailed account of his years on the hellmouth."

"Where do I live?"

Dawn gave him the address and said she'd call Spike and tell him they were coming, Xander promised to come back around later when Willow was calmer. He got on the bike behind Spike and they left.

Part Fifty-Five

Okay, just got back from seeing my double of this world. Poor bastard - he's completely out of it. Glory sucked his brain out, and Wills wasn't able to restore him. She did however manage to save Tara. Okay, in all fairness she is her girlfriend and they're in love, but we've been friends since we we were five, doesn't that count for anything? What does it say about our friendship that she chose to save Tara over me?

I know I sound bitter, but it really freaked me out seeing myself like that. And to top it all off, the poor crazy bastard has a vampire for a guardian. I mean yeah, I'm sleeping with and am in love with the evil undead , but I don't know how much I'd want to have to depend on him to take complete care of me. I mean, he can't even go outside in the daytime. Plus, how much does he really know about taking care of a human?

Speaking of which, Spike thinks his double is up to no good with my double. He says he can smell them on each other. Like they're having sex. I told him he had to be wrong, that Spike wouldn't take advantage like that. I know him now, he wouldn't do that. Spike told me if I believed that, I was fooling myself. Of course the way I treated Spike back home - well I guess maybe he could do it.

I don't have any proof though. He looked happy enough for being looney-tunes. When we got there he was sitting on the floor by the couch, as soon as Spike sat down he started playing with his fingers and making them run through his hair. It was kinda sweet in a totally sad and pathetic way. And the smile that lit his face when Spike took up the motions in his own was huge.

I pointed that out to my Spike after we'd left and he snorted at me and called me niave. He said that crazy me was displaying submissive behaviour to his master. That perhaps, Spike had him well trained. He told me I was being stupid if I thought he wasn't capable of this. He reminded me that he's evil, a demon, and that this version of himself might have been in love with Buffy but he didn't give a damn about the rest of the scoobies - save Dawn of course.

So where does that leave me? I don't want to believe that Spike could do that to me, but he as much as told me he could. So what do I do? Do I tell Wills? I mean she has enough on her plate as it is, doesn't she? Do I confront Spike? And say what? "Hey, stop having sex with the vegetable." That'll work. Oh yeah, and Spike thinks that his double is feeding from Xander as well. I didn't see any bite marks, but apparently there are lots of places to bite that wouldn't be so noticable - the inside of the thigh or the juncture between thigh and groin for example. So, according to my lover, his double is using my double as a food source and a whore. Fuck this sucks!

If I go after Spike - cause you know, him chipped, me human - he'll just take it out on the poor crazy version of myself. That is, if what my Spike suspects is true. If it isn't, and I accuse him of something he hasn't done, then what? Will he laugh it off or would it give him ideas? I'm so friggin confused. My head hurts and I just want this all to stop.

I sent Spike out to get dinner, I needed some time alone with my thoughts. I mean, I just found out that I could have been a vampire's mindless fuck-toy and all you can eat buffet. Worse off is that it's the same vampire I'm in love with, just a different version of him. I really need to go to another reality now. Please? Hello, whoever is in charge of this ride? I'm ready to move on. Stop the world and let me off.

Xander had given himself the mother of all stress headaches by the time Spike came back to the hotel. He winced as the door slammed shut and a paper bag of take out was dropped onto the bed in front of him.

"I'm going to Willy's. Don't wait up."

Then Spike was out the door again and getting on the bike. Xander watched through the window as his lover tore off on the bike. He scrubbed his face with his hands and then threw himself back on the bed.

"What the hell was all that about?"

Spike had been in the bar for an hour when he saw his blonde haired self walk in. He lowered his head and then thumped it on the table a few times for good measure. This was the last person he wanted to see right now.

The blonde vampire ordered himself a beer and then slid into the booth opposite his double and watched as the other man continued to thump his head on the surface of the less than pristine table. Eventually the brunette vampire looked up at his blonde twin and scowled.

"Go 'way."

He got an amused snort in reply.

"Sorry mate, see this is my reality. And in my reality, when the witches come by to take their turn at babysitting, I come here and knock back a few. So, if you don't like the company, you go away."

They both drank in silence for a while, neither one willing to bring up the subject that they both knew the other was thinking about. Eventually the darker of the two demons slammed his empty bottle down and glared at his smirking double.

"Are you hurting him?"

"Not much."

"Is it consensual?"

"Inasmuch as it can be, what with him being loopy an all."

"The girls don't realize what's going on?"

"Dunno. Maybe. But as long as I don't hurt him, and keep lookin after him, I don't think they much care."

"You feeding off him?"


"How's that work? Doesn't the chip stop you?"

"Nah, the boy likes it. Chip doesn't register it as pain. Course I only bite when he's cumming, no sense in taking any chances."

Spike slid out of the booth and went to the bar, he came back and handed a fresh bottle of beer to his double before sitting down and swallowing down half of his own. He sighed and then rolled his eyes.

"Look, I can't say that I don't understand why you're doing it. I do. Xander's told me how they all treated you, how he treated you, and in your position, I'd likely do the same. But you have to know a few things about Xander, maybe it won't make any difference to you, maybe it will."

The blonde raised an eyebrow in question and waited for his double to go on.

"I never knew the Xander from my reality, well, aside from kidnapping him once. But this one, he's not like the one you know or maybe he is. Where I'm from, I was recaptured by the Initiative, given to Riley Finn as a pet, basically. Fuckin wanker did everything you could think of to break me. Almost did. Then Xan came along. He called Angel, told him what was going on and then helped to get me away."

There was silence for a moment while the blonde demon took in the fact that in some other world, he was Riley Finn's bitch. He growled at the idea of it and then took a long pull from his beer.

"Go on."

"They came looking for me, found us in LA with the poof. Shot me with a tazer and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in the hotel kitchen with a brassed off brunette pointing a crossbow at me. Turns out, Xander shifted realities and since he was on me at the time - he fell when they shot him - he took me with him. The version of him in that world was a warlock. He mojo'ed me so I could stay with the boy."

"And this has what to do with me?"

Spike shot his double a disgusted look.

"Look, long story short. Xander's grown up some on this trip through realities. A couple realities ago, we ran into a version of me - you, us - whatever. Point being, he was what I'd have been if Xander hadn't come along. He was in LA, staying with Angel. Xander told him who was responsible, and Angel went and collected him. Xander castrated the bastard and made him eat his own stones. He did that for me, cause I asked him to. He did this as well."

Spike reached into his coat and pulled out a thin silver chain, adorned with a complete set of human teeth. He passed it across the table to his twin who took it with a look of utter bewilderment.


"Yeah. He pulled them all out by himself."

Spike got a wistfull look on his face and smiled.

"Effin beautiful it was."

Spike fingered the teeth on the thin silver chain. He looked up and saw the expression of pride on the other vampires face. He shook his head and handed the necklace back.

"Alright, so your Xander has a bit of darkness in him. So what?"

"So what? Christ you're thick. Knowing what you do now, what do you think he's gonna do to you when the witch fixes him?"

"You and I both know that's not likely to happen."

"I don't know, I've seen what that girl is capable of."

Looking for a change of subject, Spike pulled out his smokes and offered one to the brunette. He lit his and then held out his lighter for the other vampire. After several drags, he blew a series of smoke rings and then looked pointedly at his double.

"So, if your boy is so great an' all, why are you here with me instead of whereever it is you would be with him?"

"Because, you pillock, he's pissed with me because of what you're doing. He wanted to believe that you were better than that, that I was better than that. I told him the truth."

"And now he's pissed with you."

"No, he's pissed with himself. For allowing himself to forget what I'm capable of."

Spike nodded his understanding and the two drank in companionable silence for a while before heading out. Spike dropped his blonde self back at his building before going back to the hotel and his boy - who would hopefully be asleep.

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