Pairing: Spike/Xander, mentions of Spike/Buffy and Xander/Buffy
Word count: 1140
Disclaimer: Not mine. Joss is God.
Summary: Written for the batpackís April 2006 Challenge
Warnings: POV fic
Itís my turn to host movie night, and the gangís all here. Dawn sits beside me on the sofa, Willow on her other side. Giles is in the wingback chair, a book on his lap in case the movie doesnít interest him, and across from me on the loveseat, sit Xander and Spike.
As I watch them together, snuggled under the blanket, I am of two minds. The part of me that has been Xanderís friend since tenth grade, is happy to see him so in love. Happy to see the smile that lights up his face every time Spike walks into a room.
That part of me knows that as long as he is with Spike, he will never feel unloved, ever again. That part of me rejoices in what they have found together.
Then, there is the other part of me. The part that is jealous of what they have. The part that knows that it could have been me.
With either one of them.
Maybe both of them if I had made a move when things first began to happen between them.
I know first hand the loyalty that they both possess. The depth of their devotion. The overwhelming fierceness of their love. I have had it directed at me, have basked in the certainty that no matter what I did - how selfish I became - it would always be there.
It still is, in a way. Just not the all consuming, white-hot flame that it used to be. No, they reserve that kind of feeling for each other now.
I could have been a part of it, but I never gave them a chance. I rebuffed Xanderís every advance, afraid of losing the most solid friendship I had ever formed. I used Spike shamelessly and never gave it much thought. He was just a means to an end for me. A tool. An object. I let him into my body but never into my heart.
God, I was such a fool.
I always thought that in the end, when I was ready to settle down, I would have my pick of them, and of Angel, of course, who has waited all these long years for me to finally be ready. I couldnít have been more wrong.
Two years ago, there was a big to-do in Los Angeles. Spike and Angel fought side by side against some of the worst demons to ever be conjured onto this earth. Spike survived - barely - but Angel did not. He died like the champion he was and I know, deep down in my heart of hearts that he would not regret it. He wouldnít have had it any other way.
It took Spike several days to heal well enough to make contact. He called Andrew and filled him in. I was on a plane the very next day. Imagine my surprise to find Xander outside the airport hailing a cab.
We went together to see Spike, to hear all the gory details, and to get the biggest shock of our lives when he met us, outside, in full daylight.
Seems Angel pulled some strings with the Powers That Be and passed on his reward to Spike. Or William, I should say as heís gone back to using his birth name now.
Xander, being our resident expert in helping the newly human, took it upon himself to familiarize Spike with all the things he would need to know about. Not surprisingly, his first few lessons centred around snack foods.
It hadnít taken much convincing for Spike, as lost as he was, to accept Xanderís invitation to come stay with him for a while. I was glad not to have to deal with him myself at the time and even offered to split the cost of his airfare.
That was two years ago. Two years in which a tentative friendship between them grew into something much more personal. Two years in which they learned that they had more in common than either one would have guessed. Two years in which they gradually fell in love, and are even now as I watch them, making eyes at each other as Xanderís hand disappears underneath the blanket they share.
I know Iím not the only one who feels jealous of what they have. One look at Dawn, who has always been Xanderís number one fan - and Spikeís as well - speaks volumes. I sometimes wonder if we put our heads together, if we couldnít break them up and pick up the respective pieces for ourselves. We are Summers women after all. Strong, decisive, and not willing to back down.
And if I thought for one minute that Dawn was as selfish as her older sister, I admit I would probably try it. I guess itís a good thing for Spike and Xander that Dawn has some scruples, isnít it?
The sound of the movie barely covers Spikeís soft moan, and I canít help but smile - even as my resentment flares up a notch - as I watch his eyelids flutter as Xander leans in and kisses him with such tender passion. Turning my head to look at Dawn, I see that she is smiling too.
I hope, someday, that Dawn finds that kind of love for herself. And I hope that she, unlike her sister, will not be foolish enough to throw it away time and again.
I suppose I deserve this - to suffer for my past mistakes. I took them for granted, after all. Even Riley worshiped the ground I walked on. I had four chances, with four very different men - each outstanding in their own way - and I threw them all away.
Spikeís hands have disappeared under the blanket now as well, and I just know that within minutes, we will be turning the up volume on the television and pretending we donít know what they are doing to each other. And they will pretend that they donít know that we know and continue their not so secretive touches.
When the film ends, everyone will stay and talk for another hour, then Spike will begin to softly whisper in Xanderís ear. Xanderís eyes will glaze over, his breath will come out in soft, sharp pants, and within minutes, theyíll be making their excuses and heading home where they can make love without an audience.
Willow will stay and help clean up even after Giles heads out and then after she leaves it will just be me and Dawn. Dawn will turn those big sympathetic eyes on me, shake her head at my stupidity, and go up to her room, leaving me all alone. But Iím used to that.
Because in the end, I am always alone.
But it didnít have to be that way.
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