Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
A/N: OK this little bit of insanity came about when Drivven was out to scare away my Angel muse… it worked… and we are more than a little scary. This is beta’d by us… cause we are our own worse critics. Also our first fic in the BtVS universe. ANYHOO… Hope you enjoy the insanity, just don’t take the insanity seriously… it is crack after all!
The Big To Do
“NO, that’s not right! I mean… he’s always pined after me hasn’t he? So what's he got that I don't?” A grossed out Buffy wailed.
“He’s old and eww and wrinkly and ewww and he might have a penis somewhere under all those wrinkles....” Xander said while patting the slayer on the back. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that he had always suspected that Angel was gay. The man’s… errr vamp’s eyes always did linger a bit to long on the area down under.
“Are you sure about that Xander? I mean he’s really really old…. Doesn’t the… ummm… you know… just… kinda… fall off with old age?” a very green Willow asked.
“I suggest YOU check that out cause the Xan man is not up for that job! No pun intended.” Xander said with a shudder.
“Did it.” Came from the corner of the room, while Angel was smiling dreamily.
Upon hearing this news the room erupted in a chorus of ewwws and gross… and some retching was to be heard by all.
“I laugh in the face of Danger.... and old man penis.... then I hide until it goes away.” Xander said with a chuckle.
“Bloody hell Angel. We do NOT need to hear about Ripper's man bits. ‘Sides I am sure that my boy’s bits are more interesting than your Daddy's.”
“He's not called Ripper for nothing Spike... and your boy is just that... a BOY”
“So what he rips a fart while he's pushin' that wrinkled thing in, is that it?“
“At least his farts smell better than you. When was the last time you actually took a shower?”
“Whelp an me showered afore we came and after” Spike said while winking at Xander causing the young man to blush.
“I do NOT need to hear about your sex life Spike. Besides... you're talking about Harris! Just how desperate do you have to be?” Angel said while trying to look disinterested.
“Listen here ya git! I've had about enough of you're uppity bullshit! It's not my fault I got a hot one and you got a... well, not sure what to call im, but mind, I don't need someone to call daddy while I take it up the arse you poof!”
“HA I knew you were a bottom! Wait... you're a bottom? Spike you bottom for a human? I mean THAT human.” Angel asked with an incredulous look.
'Like you don't?! Still remember ya moanin for me...'sides Harris is hung, more than you or granpa there” Spike said with a sneer.
“THAT was a one time thing! And I doubt he is hung as you say.”
'Ooo sneaky, trying to get me to show ‘im off to ya… NOT bloody happinin mate. One, two, three, or did you mean one time a month? When is your 'cycle' anyway?”
“Why would I want to see your boys bits? And I do NOT have a cycle you bleached Billy Idol wannabe!” Angel said with a brooding pout.
“Jealous always was yer color.... Oh, meno-whatzit already? HE stole MY look. How many times does a vamp have to defend his looks? ‘Sides ya might look in ta that hormone replacement therapy, ya seem a bit bitchier than normal.”
“Maybe THAT'S because you are here. You always did get under my skin Spike.”
“Thought ya said that was a one time thing?”
“You can never leave it alone can you Spike. You're like a dog with a bone....”
“Mate, could ya not say bone around me. Don't wanna have images of that in me head with you and yer daddy in the room reakin' of.. huh, not sure I'd call it sex, well maybe.... just smells a lot like liniment ta me.”
“Go to hell Spike.... wait, you've already been there... fine go back to hell. And he doesn't smell like liniment. He smells like a real man should.”
“Bengay?! That’s the smell o a real man?!!! hahaha I'm dying here mate! Again! So what’s his come on line? 'I got my bengay on, now bend over!'
“Covering your insecurities with witty come backs. It's a wonder you have even managed to get someone. I mean everyone has left you before right? Cecily, Me, Dru, hell you even lost Buffy. What in the hell makes you think that Xander will stick around?” Angel replied with his counter attack.
“Oh and you, you leave before they get the chance don't ya, the only way it won't happen again is if he up and croaks on ya first!”
“Ripper is in fine health, believe me I know, and he won't die any time soon. You will die a hell of a lot sooner than he will if you don't keep that trap of yours shut.”
“Already dead genius. How in the bleedin hell did you manage to become a master in the first place? Poor watcher, I'll be prayin for an early 'release' for him anyway. God knows he doesn't deserve to be stuck with you, old wrinkly dick or not… ‘s just not humane to wish you on anyone.”
“This must be tearing you up Spike. I can tell by how often you talk about my Ripper's... parts... that you really had a thing for him. Poor Spike, lost to me again didn't you.”
Spike made a gagging sound before replying; “Gods! You are unbelievable! I can tell ya from personal experience… You are off your rocker. Dru on her worst day wasn't that delusional! Enjoy your old man bits Angel; jus' don't be bandying it about. It’s embarrassin' to see Angelus brought so low by a broodin' little poof like you. You may not have a reputation anymore, but I do!'
“Yes the reputation of being love's bitch... Oh wait I guess you would be more like Harris' bitch now wouldn't you?” The brooding one said with a slight smirk.
“Actually, we switch. Wouldn’t work for you though, know what a greedy little thing you are” Spike said with a leer.
“At least I am sure of what I want. You can't even decide what position you like.” Angel replied with a growl.
“Like most all, 'specially with me boy, he's 'flexible.”
“Umm.. excuse me… since you are talking about me don’t you think I should have some say in this?” Xander finally managed to break in the discussion… fight… whatever it was these two were doing. He wasn’t at all comfortable about them talking about him and his bits like this.
“NO.” came from both vamps before their… talks continued.
“Yeah, and in a few more years he will be stiffer than my Ripper. All achy and in pain... what with how often he gets beat to a pulp he already is!”
“He's stiffer than the watcher now mate, guarantee it. Viagra is your friend isn't it?”
“Viagra is better than the valium you must keep him on if he's actually fucking you.”
“Fuckin, ridin', bein' riddin’... I do dose him every now and then with this or that, so's I can get some bleedin rest, sexual peak and all that ya know.” Spike said with a shrug.
A startled "Hey!" could be heard from Xander's direction, but the two bowled on.
“Well if you can't handle him Spike perhaps you should let him go... maybe he can find a real man to please him.” Angel said with a leer directed toward the nummy treat in question.
“Don’t get no ideas into that fluffy little head of yours poofster, Xander is mine, MINE”
“And you say I am greedy? I would share my Ripper with you, but you won't let me have even a taste of your boy will you? Are you that afraid that once he feels a real man he won't want you anymore William?”
“Ewww, ewwww, ewww and ugh! Why the hell would I want Rupert, An-jeal-ous! And how bloody long 's it been since either of us were 'men'? I'm a greedy blood-sucking vampire and you’re a bloody poof! And Xander Harris is MINE”
“I am NOT jealous!” Angel shouted as he went to the little room that Giles had been ensconced in.
“Bloody git… always knew it.” Spike muttered while moving over to sit with Xander.
“Always knew what?” Xander asked while glaring at his lover.
“That the poof wanted you. Warned you ‘bout that didn’t I?” Spike said with a knowing and satisfied nod.
“Do you always discuss our sex life with your sire?” Willing his vamp to catch a clue.
“Mmm, not always, sometimes… it’s fun to rile him up ya know?”
“And you drug me? Often?” Xander said in a dangerous tone.
“Not often… but a blokes got to sleep ya know… besides you have more stamina than that energizer bunny on the telly.”
“I see… Spike… you know that thing I do with my tongue that you like so much?” Xander asked while standing up.
“Oh yeah mate… feel fantastic when you do it… why? Whatcha have in mind pet?” Spike said while standing to join his boy.
“Well what I have in mind is that I won’t be doing that again for awhile… oh and that you can sleep on the couch for a few nights while you think about how you just pissed me off.” Xander replied while pushing Spike away and leaving.
“Bloody hell… XAN! HEY WAIT FOR ME!” Spike said while trailing behind his lover.
“Well… that was interesting and more than I needed to know.” Buffy said while trying to wash all the images from her brain.
“I don’t know… I think Spike and Xander are hot together.” Willow said while patting her friend on the back.
“I think I need to kill something… then go to the Bronze…”
“Sounds like a plan! Let’s get out of here before noises start coming from that room.” Willow replied while gathering her things and Buffy’s arms to make a quick escape. It would be a long long time before any of them forgot that… errr… fight… and an even longer time before Spike had sucked up enough to get Xander to do that tongue thing again.
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