Disclaimer: It may come as a surprise but I'm not Joss Whedon or Mutant Enemy and therefore I do not own Spike or any of his many shagging and verbal sparring partners. I weep for the injustice of it all and play with these characters in the fiction I write because this is pretty much all the fun I have.

This is for [info]amejisuto's birthday. Hope this is...well, even remotely what you were asking for. I tried.

Beta'd by [info]kitty_poker1

Road Trips That Make You Want to Heave


Xander stared at Spike. Kept staring until the blond vampire snarled and told him to piss off and that he wasn't going to tell him where they were going or why.

Xander sulked.

The ride was silent until Xander's belly began to growl and he started feeling that tearing hunger that never really went away but could control until times like this.


"Shut your gob," Spike hissed, eyes trained on the road through the slightly less painted portion of windscreen in front of him.

Xander pouted and crossed his arms tightly over his chest. "I was only going to tell you that I was hungry, asshole."

Spike snatched his eyes off the road and glared at Xander. "And I told you to shut the hell up! It's not sunset, so we can't stop now anyway. Couple of hours, git. Now leave me in peace till then, all right?"

"Geez," Xander grumbled turning away. "Pms'ing much, Spike?"

Spike growled and turned on the music, or what he thought was music. To Xander it sounded like a bunch of cats in a bag yowling as they were slammed repeatedly into a wall.


"You ate, now what do you want? We've got to get to LA."

"We're going back to California? I thought Mexico was fun, Spike..."

Spike rolled his eyes. "We're going back across the border, whelp, but we're not staying there. Got some business to attend to, don't we? Very important and can't be put off."

Xander glared at Spike and stuck out his tongue.

"I saw that," Spike said without even looking at him.

Xander sighed.

Five minutes later he couldn't keep up his silence and blurted, "Don't you need gas or something? This car isn't exactly fuel efficient."

Spike growled under his breath and glanced at the fuel indicator on the dash. He rolled his shoulders, black-polished fingers tightening on the wheel. "You're not wrong. Guess we could stop for a bit. Stretch our legs, get some petrol. Don't want to run out at an inopportune moment, do we?"

Xander smiled.


At the Kum N' Go, and Xander couldn't stop snickering at the name, Spike filled the car up with gas while Xander was -- inside the Kum N' Go, giggling madly as he perused food shelves -- gathering up snack items for the remainder of the trip.

He was eyeing a bag of Cheetos while carrying a pecan log with cream filling when Spike sauntered in as if he owned the joint -- the way he pretty much walked everywhere he went.

He was still laughing when Spike raised an eyebrow and met him at the back of the store near the alcoholic beverages. "Can you believe the name of this gas station, Spike? How does anyone come in here and not, like, die laughing or something?"

Spike rolled his eyes and grabbed a bag of mini candy bars. "Some people aren't as retarded as you seem to be. They have maturity and...all that rot. Are you done, yet? We need to get gone if we're going to make it before sunrise."

Xander sighed, clutching his Cheetos and another bag of chips. "You really won't tell me where we're going or why? It's so...sudden. I mean, I know I haven't been a vampire for long but since we left Sunnydale you haven't looked back or said anything about going back..."

Spike sighed and tossed his candy back onto the shelf. He grabbed Xander's chips and squashed them underneath one of the shelves too. Grabbing onto the sleeve of Xander's jacket, he tugged him toward the mens' room. "C'mon."

Xander's eyes widened as he was pulled bodily into the restroom.

Spike locked the door behind them, pulled down Xander's jeans, then pulled down his own and shoved himself up Xander's ass.

Xander was too busy getting fucked to complain about anything for the next several minutes and for that Spike was eternally grateful.


Xander happily bounced as he carried a bag of snacks and drinks while Spike sauntered back to the car ahead of him. He tossed it into the back, slammed the door and sighed as he sank into the buttery soft leather seat. There was a delightful twinge in his ass from Spike fucking him; he always loved that feeling.

Spike pulled out all the stolen food he'd shoved into his duster and rolled his eyes at Xander's openly paid for bag of stuff.

Xander felt relaxed and, despite his amusement over the name of the gas station and the irony of what they'd done in the bathroom of said station, he was feeling too good to bother making fun of the situation.

Spike smirked and put the car in gear and headed north west along the freeway.

He amused himself for a while switching back and forth between human and gameface, still marveling at the difference his vampire face made to his senses. It also felt a little strange. A little like someone had poured hot wax over his forehead and nose and it had dried and pulled his skin taut.

It was weird but he imagined he'd get used to it eventually. Spike seemed not to even notice his change anymore. Of course, he'd been enduring it for over a hundred and twenty-five years.

"What the devil are you doing?"

Xander stopped in mid change, blinking yellow eyes from beneath partially morphed forehead. His fangs barely grazed his lip. "What? Nothing. I'm bored."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Well, don't do that. It's annoying."

Xander shook his head and his gameface melted away.

"Fine." He stuck out his lower lip.

Spike sighed and reached into his duster, pulling out a pecan log. "Here. Shove this in your gob. Keep you busy for a bit."

Xander crowed excitedly and snatched it from Spike's hand. He waited for a moment then, stealthily as he could, lengthened his fangs and took a big bite.

He chewed for a while, munching contentedly, then frowned as he wiggled his tongue around inside his mouth and made a face. "Thit."

His face contorted as he tried to release a nut from between a fang and a normal tooth. It was stuck.

"What is it now?"

"Got a nut stuck in my teeth. Between a fang and the next one over."

"How'd you--! Oh, you stupid git. I told you to stop playing with your vampire face, didn't I? Fucking hell. You're one of those plonkers with ADHD, aren't you? Hyperactive and what have?"

"Do you have any dental floss?"

Spike growled.


Xander was quiet for a long time after the nut incident -- he'd finally gotten it out after much effort with a fingernail and his tongue and he'd had to toss the nut log out the window despite how much he'd wanted to finish it; he was afraid of getting another nut lodged because the last one had hurt like a bitch.

They hit the border in an obscure place -- Spike apparently knew of a little known area you could cross without getting stuck with having to mess with passports and what not -- and they were in California four hours before sunrise.

"You still won't tell me what the hell's up your butt about where we're going?"

Spike snorted. "Nothing's up my bum, boy. We're just going for a little...visit."

"You said you had business. Urgent business."

Spike rolled both shoulders in a shrug. "Yeah. A visit involving urgent business. Shut yer trap, already."

Xander's eyes narrowed. "What's this urgent business visit involve, Spike?"

Spike sighed. "Fine. I'll tell you. We're only two hours out anyway and it's not like there's anyplace for you to go. We're going to pay Peaches a visit, all right?"

Xander sat up straight, eyes wide and glued to Spike's serene face. "We're...we're going to what with who?"

"Going to see Angel."

"Oh, crap. Let me out! I don't want to see him! He doesn't like me, he doesn't like you and I really don't like him so, like, let's go back to Mexico, okay? Spicy food and cheap booze, cheaper and spicier people to munch on...it's all good, right? We don't have to pay grandpa Angel a visit. Thought you wanted to keep me on the down low, anyway."

"We really do need to see him, pet. No getting around it this time. Unfortunately."

Xander's hand inched toward the door handle. Despite going over one hundred miles per hour, he contemplated opening the door and pitching himself out into the desert night. Taking his chances with wild animals and the coming sunrise and possibly some very uncomfortable road and sand burn on the landing might be better than going to see Angel.

"Don't even think about it. You're going to sit there like a good boy until we get to Angel's place and then you're going to act good and proper and not fuck things up because this is important. You know I wouldn't be taking you there otherwise."

Xander held onto the door handle a while longer, then slumped back in the seat and crossed his arms. He pouted at the darkened window for a while and ignored Spike as the miles rolled by and they ate up the distance between where they were and Los Angeles.

He eventually dug into his bag of goodies and ate some Cheetos. Noisily. Getting sticky cheese residue all over the place. On purpose. He knew how annoying it would be to his sire and he was just pissed enough to try and upset him without thinking of possible consequences to his own welfare.

He washed his food down with Mountain Dew, snapping the pop top open loudly and slurping even louder.

He wiped his hands off on the front of his shirt since the seats and side panels of the car were leather -- if they'd been fabric he'd have smudged Cheeto leavings all over everything -- and sucked the remainder of the Cheeto dust off his fingers.

Spike's mouth tightened, and so did his hands on the wheel, and it seemed as if every part of him tensed to the point of breaking but he didn't say anything.

Two hours later, they reached Los Angeles City Limits and Xander was a nervous wreck -- the food he'd ingested wasn't sitting well, either. If he could sweat, he'd have been sweating. If his heart could pound and palpitate, it would've been.

Spike sped into the city and soon they were pulling down an extremely busy highway near a large hotel.

Spike drove around the block and parked in an alley, killed the car and sat there with his hands firmly on the wheel for a moment. "Well. Here we are. Let's go. Not too long till sunrise and I want to get this over with."

Xander shook as he opened the passenger door and stepped out. He stumbled as his legs buckled, weak from the long ride. He stretched them out and walked a short distance to get the use back in them.

He doubled over and threw up in someone's garbage can. As he wiped a trembling hand over his mouth, he pleaded to Spike, "Look, umm, why don't you just go see him and I'll stay here? I could...guard the car. You know, 'cause LA's not exactly small town-y or friendly. Car jackers everywhere, Spike..."

He could also hot wire the blond's precious DeSoto -- Spike had taught him how -- and burn rubber right the fuck out of here.

Spike narrowed his eyes at him and lit a cigarette. He stared with distaste at the puke-filled garbage can, then leveled his gaze on Xander again. "I know what you're thinking and no. You have to go. This is the whole point. You have to be there."


"Well, come on then. Don't have all morning, it's three hours to sunrise, git." Spike walked a few paces then dug into his pocket and tossed something back at him. "And use that. Nobody likes puke breath. 'Specially those of us with inhanced senses."

Xander growled, picked up the Orbitz gum package and popped a couple. He stuffed the packet into his pocket and followed Spike sullenly, every few seconds glancing back at the growing distance between him and the car and wondering if it would be worth it to just run back and try to get into it and hot wire it before Spike was on him.

He sighed. He'd never make it. Spike was faster and stronger than him, and also older and more cunning. Mostly.

With resignation, he hurried after Spike.

And Spike, he smoked at least four cigarettes before they got to the hotel entrance. That didn't make Xander feel any better. Spike only smoked that much when he was nervous.

If Spike was nervous...well, he was probably screwed.

He threw up again, in the fountain in front of the massive hotel and hoped no one noticed -- though, the red, orange and yellow-green combination swirling in the water made it obvious something had gone horribly wrong. And there went his refreshing minty gum. He could see it floating around in the sick. He fought the urge to heave once more.

He dug into his pocket and popped a couple more pieces, hoping he could keep his stomach from rebelling again.

He ignored the look Spike sent over his shoulder after him -- amusement and exasperation and disgust.

Yep. So screwed.

His stomach clenched again. He chewed furiously on the gum, then swallowed it accidentally when he stumbled on a jagged piece of concrete on the way up the sidewalk.

He looked down at the pack Spike had given him.

It was empty.


He stared at it sadly for a moment, then crumpled up the package and tossed it into the bushes.

He had no gum and he had to see Angel.

His unlife just...sucked.

Here Endeth the Story

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