Fandom: Pairing: Buffy: Spike/Xander
Concrit: Please. If you spot a typo, please feel free to tell me in comments.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. No harm, no foul, no money made.
Summary: Xander loses job after job but finally gets a clue. And a summons.
Notes: Written for my second day at spring_with_xan, with thanks to outsideth3box for being my cheering squad and for suggesting job #4.
Five Jobs Xander Lost Because of Spike and One He Didn't
Video Store Clerk
"Spike, please stop rearranging the movies into sections labelled 'Worth a look', 'Ripoff' and 'Total Shite', and stop writing on the shelves. It took me forever to clean the permanent marker off yesterday and the manager wasn't impressed by your choices for 'Shaggable', 'Edible' and 'Durggan Meat'. Plus, he had no idea what a Durggan was, and I certainly wasn't going to tell him, so… he might have got the idea you work with endangered species. And I had to pay for the solvent myself.
Just… choose the ones you want and take them home, okay? I'll pick up pizza."
Book Shop Sales Assistant
"Spike, you can't keep hanging around the checkout every night. Not everyone wants to hear 'the best bits' of the newest horrors and serial killer DIY manuals. Most people don't actually share your appreciation of accurate dismemberment scenes or the skill and artistry that's involved in flaying someone alive."
"…a small but well-shaped ass and a prick five inches round and six in length. An idolater of active and passive sodomy, but eminently of the latter, he spent his life having himself buggered, and this-"1
"Dammit, Spike! Okay, go back to the bloodletting. Just stop with the porn and perversions!"
Counter Jockey at 'Zrbnar's All-In Eat Away'
"No, Spike, you can't talk to the manager, or the chef. I take the orders and the money, bring the food out when it's ready, all so they don't have to deal with the customers. They keep to themselves, they pay me well and they give me free food. There's no way I'm letting you bother them."
"They were bloody Zathras demons! Remember in Hannibal, when Lector fed Krendler that special broth before frying his frontal lobes? Last night you came home smelling of their version of that muck and I realised they'd been feeding you up for a reason…"2
"Hello, welcome to Walmart."
"What? He is! Smells recent too, like he's just tossed one off in the parking lot."
"Ew! Hello, welcome to Walmart."
"Hello, welcome to-"
"-Wallyworld, home of overpriced tat and tasteless junk."
"Spike! Shut up! Hello, welcome to Walmart."
"Thanks for shopping at Walmart."
"That lanky git with the green hat had something shoved down the back of his trousers."
"What? Who…? Dammit, Spike, that was five minutes ago! Why didn't you say something then?"
"I don't want to get a bloke in trouble now, do I? Anyway, you told me to shut up."
Sales Assistant at LeatherLeatherLeather
"Yo, Harris! Your boyfriend's here again."
"Who? What? I'm not… Oh, you mean Spike. He's not… We're not…"
"Wow. In denial much?"
"Dude, he comes in every evening just to follow you around for a couple of hours. The way he watches your ass every chance he gets, it's obvious. Huh. You know what? Forget I said anything. If you're not interested, do you mind if I…? Harris? Xander? You can't just walk away from a customer halfway through a sale. Hey! The back room is for employees only! At least make sure you cover the security cameras first!"
Late Night Radio Talk Show Host
"This is Xander 'Xanman' Harris here at FreeTalk FM. It's just gone midnight so it's now officially International Zombie Day and I want to hear your favorite zombie stories, people. Did your uncle Charlie come back from the dead and try to eat your brains? Have you built a shrine in your basement to George Romero? Let us know, on 555-FREETALK."
"That's right, ma'am, cut that sucker's head off and your zombie's toast."
"So… I should use his chainsaw?"
"Are you getting paid for this 'Witness for the Defence' bit, pet, or should I start reading the Classifieds again?"
1 Excerpt from '120 Days of Sodom' by Marquis de Sade.
2 In 'Hannibal', by Thomas Harris, Hannibal Lector has Paul Krendler sip "a parsley and thyme infusion" before removing and frying the front parts of his brain. Extreme seasoning!
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