Fandom: Star Trek (2009)
A Shocking Turn of Events
“That went well.” Jim claps Sulu on the back and smiles the smile of a self-satisfied Captain who can be self-satisfied because the mission went well and they’re all back safe and sound and – “What the fu-hell is that?”
“Oh! Isn’t it fascinating?” Sulu is beaming with such force that Jim suspects that it could power the transporter.
And Jim totally gets the joy that comes from exploring strange new worlds, but he’s not totally on board with the joy that comes from exploring strange new crazy-bloodsucking green things. Not that the thing Sulu’s holding is actually sucking blood right now, but it does have a suspicious amount of red around its mouth.
If sharp fang-like teeth things could be described as a mouth.
Jim takes a small step back. He swears the thing is following his movements.
“Again, I ask,” Jim says, trying out a I’m not freaked by a vampire plant that you feel safe holding look and most likely failing at emoting any Captainly calm and confidence. “What is that freaky thing?”
Oh yeah, he fails at Captainly anything right now.
“It’s the extremely rare Umbraverum Traba, an almost extinct plant which can only –”
“Is it basically extinct because it drinks blood and it’s been a long time since anyone besides you was stupid enough to get close enough to let it feed?” It’s like his mouth is five steps ahead of his brain. Jim likes for them to be running neck-and-neck.
He thinks the plant is scowling at him.
So is Sulu.
This does not make Jim feel better. “It’s not going to harm anyone, is it?”
“What? No.” Sulu clutches the plant closer and continues to shoot Jim horrified looks. “These are just its defense against predators, so unless you try to eat it...”
“Yeah, ’cause that would be my first thought,” Jim mumbles. They step into the turbolift. Jim tries to maintain as much distance as possible without actually looking like a big chicken. He swallows and attempts a more in-control Captain tone: “Why are you bringing it onto the bridge?”
“I want to show her to Commander Spock, I believe he will be most fascinated.”
“Her?” Jim croaks.
Sulu strokes one of the fangs like it’s no big thing.
Damn, Jim thinks, Sulu is a badass. A carnivorous-plant-cuddling badass.
Sulu looks at him funny. “Um, thanks?”
Spock is more than fascinated, he’s the most animated that Jim’s seen him in weeks. Jim rolls his eyes as Spock and Sulu hover and coo over the plant.
Okay, so Spock doesn’t actually coo, but he looks like he may break out into an expression at any moment.
Jim sighs and settles back into his Captain chair.
This is the life.
Add a beer and a blow job and it would be perfect.
Uhura gives him a look. The you’re an moron look – he knows it well – and he realizes that he’s said that out loud.
Chekov spins around and gives him a bewildered puppy look – so he said that out loud too. It’s cute, if you’re into the puppy thing. Jim can’t decide if he is today or not.
Chekov blushes and turns away.
Uhura raises both eyebrows. “Captain, are you just saying whatever comes into your head?”
“Yeah,” his mouth answers. Jim’s brain is still lagging. “But it’s okay because I’m the Captain!”
“Chief Idiot, more like,” Uhura replies. Her eyes widen and she clamps a hand over her mouth.
Jim realizes that he’s never heard the bridge completely silent before. He thinks you actually could hear a pin drop.
See also: stunned silence.
Spock stands up and clears his throat. “Captain, I am certain that the Lieutenant is making a joke.” He glances at Uhura who’s blushing bright red. “I hope.” He clears his throat – again, Jim notes – and glances at Uhura with a guilty look (or the closest to guilty that Spock can look). “I do not approve of the joke nor feel it was appropriate, however.”
“Suck up,” Jim says, not feeling the least bit bothered. He prides himself on his well-honed thick skin. “I’m not mad, I don’t mind the occasional sass. Keeps me honest.”
He winks at Uhura, who visibly relaxes her shoulders but still rolls her eyes.
A kernel of an idea forms in Jim’s brain.
And it’s a brilliant idea because it’s in his brain.
“My brain is brilliant,” he informs the bridge.
His response is silence. But he’s undeterred because James T. Kirk is awesome like that. Awesome at everything. Especially sex.
Uhura groans and puts her head on her console. Chekov squirms in his chair. Spock sighs. Sulu coughs.
“Sulu!” he calls. “How d’you like your tits? Big or small?” He accompanies the question with appropriate hand gestures.
Mutters of “pig” and “disgusting” filter through to him, but Jim’s feeling no pain, especially when Sulu totally answers.
“Actually, sir, I’m more of an ass man.” Sulu’s face is flushed and he’s speaking to the plant – he looks like he would appreciate it if the plant chose that moment to eat him.
“Nice.” Jim nods his approval.
This is the best topic ever. Why do they never talk about this normally?
Out of the corner of his eye Jim sees Chekov sinking in his chair, as if he’s trying to merge with the console
“Chekov! You’re a teenager. Teenagers are horny. Same question.”
There’s a squeak from Chekov’s direction and Spock clears his throat again. “Captain,” Spock says as he crosses the floor to stand beside Jim. “Perhaps you’ve forgotten that we are on the bridge right now and not in the officer’s lounge?” Spock peers down at Jim in concern. “You have not been drinking have you?”
“Please! I never drink when I’m on duty – well, except for that one time.” Jim swats him away. “I’m just using my position of power to ask fun questions about sex because that horrible plant of Sulu’s is forcing everyone to tell the truth.” He leans closer into Spock. “I’m sure it’s some evil pollen the plant sends out before it lulls us into submission and then…”
He pauses for dramatic effect, “…kills us all.”
“Hmm.” Spock tilts his head. “Although much of your theory is wildly speculative, I do believe you may be correct. Some property of the plant may be compelling us to expose our thoughts. However, I must note my disapproval of taking advantage of your rank.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Jim waves him off and Spock does leave, likely to investigate situation. “So, Chekov, you haven’t answered my question.”
“I’m… I’m…” Chekov turns puppy eyes on Jim. But Jim has built up an immunity to puppy eyes – and Bones grumbles that he never prepares ahead. “My answer is… is the same as Sulu’s, sir.”
“Fascinating.” The wheels in Jim’s brain are turning. “Don’t you find it fascinating, Spock?”
Spock looks up from the computer. “Not in the slightest, Captain, and neither should you. Asses are not our concern, however the possible effects of the Umbraverum Traba are.”
“C’mon.” Jim pulls out his own puppy eyes. “Who doesn’t like to think about asses?”
“I would prefer if we focused our attention on the concern at hand,” Spock replies in his calm, even tone.
Jim sighs. “It’s sad that those actually are your uncensored thoughts. Fine, fine. I can think about other things than sex. But you have to answer me this.” Jim leans forward, his fingers indexed. “Does it still bother you that I beat your Kobayashi Maru?”
“Of course it does.” That angry spark flashes in Spock’s eyes just for a moment. “I also continue to contend that you beat it only because you cheated.”
“Aha, so you admit I beat it!” He feels triumphant and comms Bones to get up to the bridge stat so he doesn’t miss any of the fun. This day just gets better and better.
“Technically yes, how –”
“However, shmowever.” Jim waves him off, bored with technicalities. “The yes is all I need.”
Spock turns his back on Jim and focuses on the computer.
Right, research, possible danger.
He is the Captain, he needs to take action.
“Kirk to Scott.”
“Aye Captain,” Scotty replies.
“The poker game last night – did you cheat?”
“Why Captain, how could’ya ask me that? I’da never cheat!” His indignation is pitch perfect.
“Got it, no hard feelings? Kirk out.” He turns to Spock and Sulu (who jumps behind Spock). “Only those in contact with that thing are forced to tell the truth.”
Spock raises an eyebrow. “How can you be sure, Captain?”
“The bastard always cheats.” He shrugs. “But it’s okay, so do I.”
“Captain,” Spock says, the shock clear in his voice.
“Only with Scotty. So we’re on a level playing field,” Jim explains. Sheesh sometimes Spock needs to loosen up.
“You’re doing it again,” Uhura informs him. Jim spins to look at her. “Oh damn,” she sighs.
Uhura! Jim’s mind snaps right back to sex.
“Lieutenant Uhura.” He draws her name out, drawling it really. “Inquiring minds are dying to know: he’s all calm on the bridge, but I bet Spock’s a tiger in bed? Am I right?”
Uhura’s hands are clenched at her side and if looks could kill…
“You’re a bastard!”
“Not literally, but I take your point. You love it, though.”
“You’re not a quarter as charming as you think you are.”
Okay, so she’s a little mad.
“Okay, so you’re a little mad. But you have to answer, I have to know!” It all seems very important, for some reason.
“Fine.” She smoothes her skirt. “He’s amazing. Better than you can even imagine.”
Jim’s not surprised. “Awesome, I knew it. You are a half-man half-Vulcan of many talents.” He nods his respect at Spock.
Spock however is not feeling the respect.
It’s a bummer.
“Captain, this is completely inappropriate, and I’m sure when you’re not under the influence of the Umbraverum Traba you will regret these questions.”
Jim takes a moment, lets his brain catch up.
It’s possible he’s gone too far. Even in the pursuit of awesomeness.
“I don’t do regrets, but yeah, you’re probably right. I did cross the line.” He nods at Uhura who doesn’t seem to be feeling his respect either. “Although if you think about it, it is awfully big of me to admit that I was wrong.”
Uhura’s expression shifts from rage to, well, shit-eating. “Captain, what do you think of Doctor McCoy?”
He catches Spock shaking his head ever so slightly, but Jim’s brain is already processing the question. “I love Bones, you know?” If he could tip his chair back he would. Also, he’s starting to feel a bit like he smoked some of Keenser’s stash. “He’s a little too quick on the draw with the hyposprays, but he’s always there for me. He’s my best friend.”
If Uhura looks a little disappointed, Jim’s feeling too good to notice. He’s just letting his mouth go. It’s easier that way. Resistance is futile. “Of course, sometimes, I really just wish he’d bend me over his desk and fuck me so hard I can’t sit down for a week.”
Stunned silence returns to the bridge, but Jim is wrapped up in the images.
“Door’s closed. Or maybe open. He’s yanking off my pants…”
“Captain,” Spock manages.
“Starting off slow…”
“Er, Kirk,” Sulu attempts.
“Slow, but not gentle – not Bones – and then –”
It’s less his name and more Bones’ voice that finally puts a stop to the words. Bones must have arrived on the bridge some time during their conversation.
Oh fuck, Bones. And he just said that out loud, didn’t he?
“Yeah, you did.” Bones’ face is unreadable. “Heard every word.”
“Even the part about –” his mind replays the visual, it’s a good visual “– bending me over?”
Bones nods, face still blank.
Jim now knows exactly how his crew felt.
“Sorry guys, I was an asshole, wasn’t I?”
Even Spock joins in on the resounding, “Yes”.
“So, Bones…” he starts, but yeah, he’s got nothin’.
“How about I take this asshole off your hands?” Bones grabs him by the arm and pulls him to his feet.
“So, I think I’ll just go with Bones here.” Jim pointlessly points at Bones who is already dragging him out the bridge door.
“You do that,” Uhura calls after him. It kinda sounds like she’s wishing him luck.
“I think she doesn’t hate me anymore,” he informs Bones.
“You’re an idiot.” Bones sighs. “What the hell is going on?”
“Okay, so when we were down on –”
“No wait, let me guess: Sulu’s alien plant makes everyone around it tell the truth and you thought it would be fun to talk about sex?”
“You’re smart,” he informs Bones. He still feels kinda drugged, but in a good way.
Wait, drugged. “We need to go back and help.” He pulls against Bones.
“Leave them it to, they’ll solve it.” Bones yanks him so hard he falls against Bones’s chest.
Bones feels nice, all hard muscles and, oh wow, hard.
“You bet.” Bones presses him against the wall and breathes in Jim’s ear. “Now, let’s see about stripping off these pants and bending you over my desk. I promise not to be gentle.”
He hasn’t even finished nodding before he’s being dragged toward sickbay.
Oh yeah, this mission has gone well.
Bones smirks. “And it’s only gonna get better.”
Prompt: Aliens-made-us-do-it-drug-laser-whatever that makes the whole crew tell everyone the truth. Kirk is entertained on the bridge by making everyone tell him things and then it backfires when someone asks him about McCoy.
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