Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: PG13 for mentions of boys playing with boys
Feedback: Mys has decided that she actually likes FB, soÖ constructive crit is fine, just be prepared for Mys to defend/explain her choices, and try not to do any permanent damage, k.
Disclaimer: Just playing with the pretty kittens. Unfortunately, they are not mine, but I will gladly groom and bathe them before sending them back home to Daddy (aka Joss/Mutant Enemy/et al).
Warnings/Squicks: Angst
Summary: Getting the boys to see whatís right in front of them.



Seeing


by
Cobalt Mystic


Sometimes when weíre together, bodies joined in their intricate dance, I feel it. Itís just a ghost of a thought- my own pathetic longing forÖ anything, so long as itís real.
Probably why I tell myself this works- our little arrangement. I know itís why not a night goes by that we donít share a bed and our bodies; why I keep coming back; why I tell myself this is enough and tell him that itís meaningless.
He thinks thatís why my eyes always clench shut when I cum, and why I wonít kiss him or say his name. He doesnít realize that I canít look at him without some deep primal part of me aching, that lifetimes with my ĎSiresí might Ďave taught me to conceal with my body but my lips always betray me. He doesnít understand that calling his name is tantamount to sacrilege or that my mind screams for him in seemingly endless longing
One day it will end. It has to- he deserves it. One day, someone will see just how special and wonderful he is, more importantly theyíll make him see.

---

I love to watch him when he sleeps- even now, when heís pretending. He thinks I canít tell. He thinks heís fooling me just like he fools the others, but he doesnít. I guess he doesnít realize how often Iíd watch him sleep beforeÖ this.
When heís asleep, truly asleep, his emotions are so open. Thereís so much pain and hurt in him; so different from the perfect front he puts up. Sometimes he actually smiles; not often and not enough for my tastes. I wish I could make him smile like that when heís awake- when heís with me. Hmph, I canít even get him to look at me when weíre together.
It makes me wonder why he comes back night after night. Iíd understand if it was just the sex, but he makes me feel so wonderful like Iím important and cared for and lo- like I matter. But then thereís that look of pained concentration, as if thereís some huge weight being forced upon him and I know itís me.
Thatís when this thing we have hurts most, when I see how deeply it hurts him.

---

Usually, when patrol ran late, heíd be curled in bed by the time I showed up. Tonight, though. Tonight he sat on the sofa, idly rolling an un-opened beer bottle between his large hands.

He didnít look up as he spoke, asking the one question I could never answer, least not truthfully.

ďWhat are we doing?Ē

When I donít reply, he continues.

ďWhy do you come back?Ē

Shocked and confused, all I can do is stare.

ďWhy donít you stop? I know you donĎt want this- me.Ē

I hear him whisper the last word and my demon howls, furious that itís not allowed to take, to make the human understand that he is wanted and OWNED. Wordlessly, I sit next to my boy, reaching out to brush his dark hair.

He flinches away and something inside me breaks. ďIíll go.Ē

As I move to stand, a warm hand touches my arm and lightening chills run through me. And a voice as warm as honey speaks in hushed tones.

ďSpike? Kiss me?Ē

And heís in my arms and Iím not sure what Iím fighting against anymore. Iíve wanted this for so long, so I kiss him. His lips are on mine, real and strong and tender and my gods, I need this- need him
The kiss deepens, our tongues twining together, petting, and tasting. My entire being feeling at home and content for the first time that I can remember. Then my arms wrap around him as if his presence completes me, and maybe it does.





Believing


AN:This changes POV, so Xander, Spike, transition.

Good gods I didnít expect this. Gods know itís what I wanted, but I never expected. I canít let him leave- it was too hard to come this far.
No, no, no, no! No pulling away. Lips, tongue, arms all feel too good.
I follow his lips, unwilling to give them up now that Iíve finally felt them.
Eventually, I notice that although heís pulling his head away, his arms are still tight around me. Heís leading me to the bed weíve been sharing for the last eight months.
Then Iím falling, his slim body turning to cover mine, still guiding me. And there are hands chilled by death, powerful yet tender, loosing my clothing and his, until thereís nothing between us but air and flesh.
This is familiar and so new, I want to understand it but I canít think. Iím being swept along like a leaf on the tide and itís perfect.
I love the feel of his lips on mine and I want to open my eyes to see his face, but Iím afraid. Afraid of what I wonít see, but as his cool lips trace my sweat dappled throat I hear as much as feel the one word I dreamed of hearing.

ďXander.Ē

I feel him tense beneath me at the sound of his name and Iím terrified. I press my face into the crook of his neck soaking up as much of his essence as I can before he fully reacts and kicks me out.
Warm hands pull at my head; reluctantly, I let them move me. The only thing that surprises me more than the look of pure wonderment on his face is the words that he utters.

ďSay it again.Ē

So I do.
ďXander.Ē And itís not a sacrilege, but a blessing. How can a name be so freeing? Like discovering the lost and forgotten pass code to some immense invisible lock.
I canít help myself; Iím kissing him again, drowning in flavours and sensations Iíd only dreamt of. Slowly I pull back, panting needlessly as we break our kiss, and I have to say it again- because I can-

ďXander.Ē

He says it again and I shiver. Iíve never heard anything so beautiful, or spoken with such reverence.
I want him so badly right now, more that I think Iíve ever wanted him.
I want him to take me.
I want to give myself to him.
I want to let him see how much I want this, want him.
If I know my vamp, even a fraction as well as I think I do, heís waiting for me to freak or to bolt at realizing who Iím with and how he feels. What he doesnít know is that Iíve wanted this for months, virtually since this started. Iím NOT going to run; this is right where I want to be. Well, almost.
I pull gently on his neck, silently asking for more contact, more kisses. When he lowers himself flush against me, I make my move- rolling us so our positions are reversed.
He doesnít hide his surprise, but he doesnít let go and I melt into those wonderful lips.
This time, I pull away, and he whimpers. His preternaturally strong hands clutching at me like a child grasping a security blanket or a well-worn teddy bear. And once again, Iím reminded how vulnerable he is and how loving.
I canít wait much longer- I need our primal connection.
Our cocks are slick with a mixture of our juices and I donít care that Iím not properly prepared, I need this. So I rise up, sliding his shaft to my entrance and quickly, before he can protest, I sink down on him.

ďXander!Ē

Was that a moan or a scream? I know it came from me, just as I know the breathy whimper came from him. I scent him, trying to make sure heís okay- what was he thinking? Thereís blood, but only minute amounts- heís fine, thank gods.
Itís only after I convince myself heís truly alright that I notice my eyes are shut. Hesitantly, I open them, not at all certain about the sight Iíll see.
What I see turns out to be the most breathtaking thing I could ever imagine. My Xander, a look of pure bliss spread over his face. His earthy eyes are trained on mine, and I swear they sparkle as he grips me in his channel. I groan and thrust up involuntarily. He makes this erotic noise deep in his chest- if I didnít know better Iíd call it a purr. He squeezes me again and I thrust. Hells maybe it is a purr, itís getting louder and stronger.
Xanderís purring. Sliding himself up and down my cock and purring; his gaze never relinquishing itís hold on mine.
I canít hold out- itís too much. Itís everything Iíve wanted, and heĎs giving it to me.
Then it hits me- he KNOWS.
His smile widens and his pace quickens.

ďYou figured it out.Ē

All I can do is nod and pull him to me. I need him, I think I always have.
Eyes and bodies locked we move together, faster and harder. Then weíre screaming and cumming and I see it, see what I never thought Iíd see in his eyes- my home.




The End



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