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Pairing: S/X
Rating: PG-13 for sexual content
Disclaimer: I own nothing, but enjoy playing.
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What The?



God, what the hell is going on around here? Me? Why me? Why is Spike going after me? I mean, yeah sure, what with the demon magnet and my excellent choices in extracurricular activities. I can see how that might…trigger something? It could just be the patrols. Come on now, everyone knows wailing on something four times your size with ten times the amount of teeth can cause, er, things to stir. So maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s just from working up all that…EEP! But still – why me? He can go do the horizontal limbo with anyone.

Okay, yeah, he’s making with the hotness (and yes, I’ll let that little thought slip out of the no-no box). And let’s just say people actually knew about – you know, the things they don’t know about. And let’s also say Spike is actually interested in, er, things. What then? There’s still the fact he’s a big ole’ eeevil vampire. Yeah, sure a completely harmless one. Actually he’s more like a big fluffy kitty who got their yarn taken away (and I sooooo don’t want him to know I thought that.). Hmm…Spike, and yarn…and – NO! FOCUS!!! Helloooo down there - things are not happening, do not go to stage three, I repeat, do not go to stage three!

Okay, so eeevil vampire inside, er aside, I meant aside! Anyway, besides that, what if people found out? Willow would do some kinda mojo delusting spell and I’ll lose my man parts. And Buffy will play an unarousing rendition of “Poof Goes The Eeevildoer.” And quite frankly, I don’t want Spike to go “poof”. Well…Christ, what the hell is wrong with me?

But – but look at him sitting there watching the TV yelling at the entire cast of Passions because they’re all so “bloody blind they couldn’t find their own arses if someone stapled their hands to ‘em.” He gets so…ironically, passionate. I wonder what else he’s passionate about – and no, no and no! Why am I even thinking about this? Oh yeah, because there’s a short blond man, er, big scary vampire, sitting naked on the end of my bed watching television. Well, he’s not naked. He’s got socks on…and wrapped in a blanket, sort of. Which is actually kind of funny. Big snarky vampire turns into big whiney vampire when his feet are cold. *snicker* wouldn’t have gotten his clothes all gooey if he’d dodged when I said to. But no…

“C’mon, pet, hurry up already! I want m’popcorn!”

And is he crazy to think that I haven’t noticed that? That pet and luv crap. What’s that all about? And creepily, that doesn’t bother me…at all. I actually kind of like it. Wow, a couple of Bud Lights at the Bronze and the no-no box lock seems to crank open its own combination. Wonder what he’d say if I asked him about everything. If he’d even say anything. He might just jump up and run out of the room, screaming. And naked. And maybe that’s worth it.

“Here’s your popcorn Spike. Deliciously buttered and salted by yours truly. You don’t get fired from the Sunnydale Drive-In, Cinemas, and Video store for nothing, you know. Along the way, you learn how to make deliciously health-hazard popcorn. Course, you know, don’t think it’ll do anything to you what with the living-impaired box you check on your income tax. Which doesn’t quite make sense I know, because you don’t pay taxes because you are, you know, not breathing and all. Well even if you weren’t undead you wouldn’t pay them because you’re Spike, the big-bad-and-don’t-you-forget-it snarky vampire who can be evil even without actually being an ass-“

“Something on your mind, luv?”

“Uh, no, why do you ask?” EEP!!! He knows! All hands on deck all hands on deck! And doesn’t that just sound dirty right now?

“Because you’re acting like you’ve been snorting pixi stix. Again. All talking really fast and not breathing. You’re not a vampire, pet, you do need to breathe. And your heart is beating faster that Slutty’s does when Captain Manchurian is around” Oh no! Arch of the eyebrow! And now he’s getting up. Oh please keep the blanket on you, please please please. You lose that and I’m gone. Okay, there ya go. Wait, why are you coming over here? I can’t do this if I have to look you in the eye…Well I could…No! Back in the box, get back in the box!

“Well…uh, *ulp*. I think we need to talk, Spike.” Wait, why’s he getting closer?! Oh no, not the eyes. Anything but the eyes. Can’t look at ‘em. Must look away! Ooops, I dropped the popcorn. Wait a sec, why is the popcorn spilled all over the blanket? Holy Bejeezus, Batman, the Catman is nekkid! Well, ‘cept the socks.

“I think we do, luv. Why don’t we talk about it over on the bed?”


Argh!! “Bed? Why the bed? Why can’t we stand here and talk like two people? Accept you’re not people, I mean, a person. I’m a person. You were a person once. But now you’re not. And I am. A clumsy person. And I dropped the popcorn; I’ll go make some more. Yeah, popcorn. With the butter, and the, the salt. Do we have any Snickers bars left, or did you eat them all?”

RETREAT RETREAT!!! Back away slowly! Do not, I repeat, do not look up from the floor. Leave the bowl where it is, and just turn around and go to the kitchen. And since when did my voice start sounding like Buffy’s pouty voice? Did my man parts just get sucked up into my stomach or did they run away whimpering or something? Geeze, Harris. Real manly. I bet that makes the naked! vampire want you. Next thing you know, you’ll be rambling about when Uncle Rory gave you five bucks to put on a hula skirt and do the Macarena, and we’re soooo not going there. Hey, what do you know, the no-no box is broke. That’s the last time I buy my mental locks at Wally World, that’s for damn sure.

Popcorn, yes, “kitchen” now. And don’t I wish I had a bigger place right about now? S’not like I can go into the bathroom without making a very obvious statement about the matter of things. Stupid basement. Only one thing worth staying here for. Because Spike can’t get out in the day. And it’s funny to watch him pace back and forth in front of the door chain-smoking because he’s got, er, basement fever? Here, Snickers, here yummy tasty chocolate…

“S’matter, pet? You gone ‘round the bend or something? Thought we were gonna talk?”

Huh? That didn’t sound all “come hither”. What the hell? Uh oh, it’s probably some vampire seduction tactic. Well it’s not working, mister. Uh, well, um, okay, things could say differently. Stage 3 has been achieved. Red alert! Red alert! Must bring down pressure before explosion! Must yank the red lever down. Where oh where is that red lever? Hmph, probly in the same place that damn Snickers bar is.

“Looking for this?” Ooo, flying chocolate. Only a few things better than that…Must not turn around. Stage 3 is still in effect. Must not cause excess pressure. Wait, is it really such a good idea to have my back turned to the big dumb drop-dead-gorgeous naked probably horny vampire who’s looking to pull his own kind of lever? And also, where did he get this candy bar? Mental note – BEAT VAMPIRE UNCONCIOUS FOR HORDING CHOCOLATE

“Spike, how can I talk to you on the bed?” Stupid sweaty fingers – way to fumble the prized nectar of the gods. Now I have to turn around and bend over to pick it up. Well, if I just close my eyes and…“Especially if you’re sitting there in nothing but socks and…huh?” Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Boxers? Where in the hell did he get those?

“Hey! Those are mine!!! Why are you wearing them?” Dissapointed, are we, Harris? Jeeze, get a grip, will ya?

“What?! Didn’t think you’d want me sitting around stark naked in your parent’s flat. I’d like to see their faces if they saw that, but I doubt you would. Sides…it’s cold in here, Harris!”

“I, um, uh, what? You know, for someone who’s not supposed to feel heat or cold, you sure are cold a lot.”

“Only one way to warm me up, pet.” He’s getting closer again! What the hell?!

“What, cram your butt into the toaster?” Still closer! RED ALERT RED ALERT!!! He’s gonna blow!!!

“Wrong answer, pet, but close.” Where’s that hand going? ULP


Hummina hummina hummina what? Why is he so close? What does he mean with that? Why is my arm so cold? Oh, his hand…Strooonnng hands. Nice hands. EVIL hands. Gah, I might as well just throw that one completely out. How can someone who looks this good and sound that sexy be evil? Uh, wait, aren’t all the villains always good looking? I think they are. But…Ah hell.

“S-spike, I thought we were gonna talk?” Hello Mr. Voice. Where did you go to? Oh, and now the hand is moving. Up. Up is nice. Kind of like eek! now the other one!

“And talk we will, love. Soon as I get some warmth…”

Uh oh! He’s assuming kiss position. Head-tilt – CHECK, hand behind head – CHECK, socked feet about shoulder width apart – CHECK, eyes half-closed – CHECK. And now he’s going for the dive! Brace yourself!!! Land ho-ooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is nice. And by nice I mean Stage 4 nice. Hershey’s nice. Krispy Kreme double chocolate stuffed drizzled glaze nice. Just…wow. I’m forgetting something. Something’s happening. Oh right, open mouth and CRIPES it’s like I’m on fire, only it’s cold so it can’t be fire, but it’s burning me up and I can’t take it anymore!

“Ssssspike!” Forget talking. Who need’s talk? I could go forever without talking. Well maybe not forever, but a long long time. Okay, so I really can’t not talk but, huh, what was I talking about? Oh right… “Spike!”

“S’matter? Don’t you want it?” Oh yeah…keep…keep doing that. OH MY GOD!!! Breathe Xander!

“Ye-yeah, I want it. But, bu-ooooo. Jesus, Spike! Don’t not do that. OH!” Cripes! It wasn’t like this with – and that thought isn’t getting a chance to see the light of day. Back to…mmmmm.

“Sorry, pet. Did you say something?” Oh, now he’s nibbling the ears. Not the ears, anything but the…yeah, the ears. Oh! Just…wow.

“Uh, just uh…just…umm…Yeah, no! I mean." sigh "Now would be a good…uh, time, for the, you know, bed.”

Hey, what do you know – Spike can pick me up! And that had to be an Olympic record for speed. And suddenly very cold. Huh? How’d he get my jeans off so damn fast? Oh right, vampire ability. Ha. Right. Just a horny guy. A massively hot horny nekkid vampire. Kneeling between my legs. A massively hot horny nekkid vampire between my legs that does not have to breath and *(&!%$@^#!*! Holly gods and even the unholy ones! And JESUS!!!

Ah! He stopped! Where’d he go? Huh? What’s that –

“OHMYGODSPIKEDON’TSTOPWHATYOUREDOING!!!!” Whatever he’s doing he can keep – oh yeah. Uhhhhhhh so that’s what he’s doing…mmm…

“Like that, pet?”

“Uh I mmmn burr..uhhh.”

“Thought so.” Snickering vampire makes for fun – um. Ah, whatever. Just – oh oh oh! “Think you’re ready?” Mmm…yeah ready to die now. Could die happy. But only if it means this is heaven.

“Yeah, I’m ready. Please, Spike. Want you so much.”

“Alright. Just focus on my eyes, Pet. Don’t try to fight it, it’ll just hurt. Just-”

“I know, Spike. I’ve done this before. Just get on with it, okay?” And isn’t that a funny look on Mr. Badass Snarky Vampire? Looks like I’ve got the cat’s tongue. Heh.

“You have?”

And why do his eyes suddenly look gold?

“Then how do you want it, Xander?” Oh his voice is so sexy.

“I want it now” Oh yeah, that’s me whining. Begging for it. And why does it seem like he knows that makes it even hotter? Jeeze, Xander. Is there anything left of the box anymore? Nope, got lost somewhere around the time that Raphael and Michelangelo and the boys disappeared. Surfs up!

“Right. Here goes then, mate.” Holy Crap! It’s like firecrackers and and Christmas and Star Trek Limited Edition Action Figure Collection and everything else that’s ever been even mildly good all rolled in one. It’s…it’s Spike. Spike. In me, a part of me. Kissing me, stroking me, crushing me and loving me. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. It…it just is. Oh god this is the best thing in the world. Hell, the best thing in this dimension! I can’t believe it. And and…oh god… if he doesn’t stop I’ll, I’ll…

“Sssppiiike…I’m going to, Spike, I uh, oh, God, SPIKE!!!” … Whoa. Wow. Damn. And I’m burning freezing inside. Look at his face. His eyes all scrunched up. Gods. Fuck the box, give me this. Everyday. All day. All the time. I want this, and everything else! That was just…that was… “Amazing. Jesus Spike, where did you learn that?”

“’M a vampire, aren’t I? Been around a long time. Kinda comes with the territory, doesn’t it? ‘Sides, not so bad yourself.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. Wait a second…” Oh that’s funny. That’s perfect. Oh my god!

“Oi! Why are you laughing?

Oh my god, it’s hilarious!!! Ouch, it hurts it hurts, but I can’t stop laughing! Oh my god, it’s the best. Simply. The. Funniest. Thing. Ever. Why didn’t I notice that before? That’s just great!

“What’s so funny, whelp?” Awww…wittle iddy bitty whiney vampire throwing a fit. How cute is that?

“Nothing, Spike. It’s just…um…Spike, is that Winnie the Pooh on your socks?”

The End

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